"This is another fine mess you've gotten us into, Jack," snapped Buzz Bronski, arms folded across his chest as he glared down at Jack Napier from the top bunk of their shared cell.
"Will you relax, Buzz?" asked Jack, opening his eyes as he lounged on the bottom bunk. "This is the best result we coulda got at that trial. We're surrounded by shrinks now, not prison guards, and everyone knows that shrinks are all a buncha suckers. They're sympathetic and easy to manipulate, because they think we're all just victims of society. We'll be outta here in no time. Or would you rather be back in Blackgate, or better yet, on death row waiting for the electric chair?"
"He's right, Buzz – it's better than that," spoke up Chuckie Sol, their fellow gang member locked in the neighboring cell. "And we already know the food in here is better than prison food, so I ain't complaining."
"There, y'see?" said Jack, closing his eyes again. "Just eat your lunch and shut up."
"I won't shut up," snapped Buzz, pushing the tray away. "You realize that if the shrinks certify us as sane, we're going back to Blackgate and the chair, don't you?"
"You saying you can't act crazy?" asked Jack. "I find that hard to believe, Buzz."
"I'm just saying that the best case scenario is remaining in this nuthouse for the rest of our lives, which I don't see as a best case scenario!" exclaimed Buzz. "I'd rather face the chair than be stuck in here forever!"
"Listen, genius, I have no intention of staying here forever, or getting the chair," snapped Jack, opening his eyes again. "I'm telling you, we can play these shrinks. Or at least, I can. You'd need a fair amount of charm and acting skills, which frankly I doubt you got, Buzz. But with charm, you can convince 'em that you don't deserve to be locked up in here, or anywhere. You can say society made you the way you are, that you're a victim, and you deserve to be free. And if you're charming enough, you can even persuade 'em into helping you escape."
"You really think so, Jack?" asked Chuckie.
"Yes, I think I'm just that charming," agreed Jack, nodding. "Can't speak for you other freaks, though."
"We're relying on shrinks to help us stage a breakout?" demanded Buzz. "That's insane! Why don't we just try to contact some of the guys on the outside?"
"How are you gonna do that?" demanded Jack. "You got any go-betweens in here that you ain't telling us about? Or maybe, hey, one of the shrinks could help, which was my idea in the first place!"
"Hey, forgive me for not being enthusiastic about another one of your schemes, all right?" demanded Buzz. "Nothing ever works out the way you say it will, Jack. Every plan you've ever made has gone wrong, way wrong most of the time, which is how we ended up in the loony bin in the first place. You said the cops had sent all their guys out into the city, and that the desk monkeys and administrators and top brass wouldn't respond to a robbery around the corner from the station…"
"And if that junior officer hadn't been stopping that mugger across the street, we woulda got away with it too," retorted Jack. "Nobody who arrested us came from the station, you know it and I know it. Anyway, you gotta think big and crazy sometimes if you wanna be successful, and no success ever came without trial and error and taking risks."
"You can do what you want with your own life, Jack, but you shoulda left us outta it," retorted Buzz.
"Well, I didn't hold a gun to your head to make you go along with me," retorted Jack. "Anyway, if you ask me, this is the best place for us right now. It's cleaner than a prison, there's no rival criminals around to try and shank us in here, and the view's a lot better," he added, as Harleen Quinzel strode down the corridor. She glared briefly at him, but tried to ignore the staring as she headed back to the break room.
"She's hot, but clearly not interested," commented Chuckie.
"If there weren't bars between us, I wouldn't care if she was interested or not," said Buzz, grinning unpleasantly. "She can examine me anytime."
"She probably wouldn't find much, in your head or anywhere else," retorted Jack. "Anyway, we'll be spending time with eye candy like that all day, so I'll thank you to tone down your whining a little."
"All right, gentlemen," said a balding man with glasses, approaching the cells. "I'm Dr. Bartholomew, and I'll be administering your therapy today."
"Yeah, gee, thanks a lot, Jack," muttered Buzz, sarcastically. "You're right, some eye candy there."
"If you'd like to follow me first, please," said Dr. Bartholomew, gesturing at Chuckie and unlocking his cell.
"Okay, wish me luck, guys," said Chuckie, following Dr. Bartholomew to his office, leaving Buzz and Jack alone. A few moments later, Harleen exited the break room.
Buzz wolf whistled at her. "Hey, baby, you ever had a patient fall in love with you? Because you're gonna have another one."
"You're not my patient, thankfully," retorted Harleen.
"Thankfully, because I know you probably couldn't keep your hands off me if I was," agreed Buzz, nodding.
"No, thankfully because then I'd have to pretend to care about your feelings," retorted Harleen. "While now I can just tell you to get bent, you disgusting creep."
Jack laughed, while Buzz's smile fell into a glare. "It wouldn't hurt you to be friendly, sweetheart," he said. "You think you're too good for me, is that it?"
"No, I know I'm too good for you," retorted Harleen, which solicited another chuckle from Jack, and only enraged Buzz more.
"I wouldn't act so high and mighty if I were you, toots," growled Buzz. "Because when I'm outta here, I'll make you pay for it."
"If you get outta here, you'll be going straight back to jail," retorted Harleen. "So I ain't too worried about that. Besides, threats from people who are locked behind bars are more pathetic than anything else, although I realize you're too dumb to understand why your brain is reacting in this way. But let me explain why you're doing it, psychologically – you feel emasculated being locked up in there, with your agency taken away from you. You feel powerless and impotent and metaphorically castrated, if you will. So you feel the need to make a big, masculine display, to reassert your dominance to try and gain power over an attractive woman. But when she rebuffs you, it reminds you of how emasculated and impotent you actually are, so you try to reassert your power with threats of violence. You ain't really angry at me for refusing you – you're angry at yourself for losing your manhood, although I'm sure it wasn't anything very impressive to begin with."
Buzz didn't quite know how to respond to the verbal onslaught – he just stared dumbly at her. "You got something to say, slick?" demanded Harleen, turning her attention to Jack, who was chuckling madly.
"No, ma'am," said Jack, smiling at her. "Just that you're clearly a damn good shrink."
"Yes, I am," agreed Harleen, turning and striding away. Jack stared after her, beaming.
"That little bitch," hissed Buzz, glaring after her. "How dare she talk to me like that?"
"She's fantastic," said Jack, chuckling as he lay back down on his bed. "I like her a lot. All sass and fire, and that ass ain't anything to complain about neither."
"You ain't got no chance with her if I don't," growled Buzz, laying back down on his bunk. "Of the two of us, I'm the more attractive guy."
"You keep telling yourself that, Buzz," said Jack. "Whatever helps you sleep at night. I'm not the one she thinks is impotent though."
"Shut up!" snapped Buzz. "God, this day could not get any worse," he muttered, grabbing his lunch tray back and stuffing his face. "Well, at least we know one thing," he said in between mouthfuls. "That shrink ain't gonna be the one to spring us."
"Oh, I dunno, Buzz," said Jack, shutting his eyes. "You never can tell with dames. Let's just wait and see, shall we?"