"I can't believe you actually got me chained up," muttered Buzz Bronski, glaring at Harleen from the therapy couch at their first session. "Do you do this with Jack?"
"Not yet," retorted Harleen, trying to suppress a smile at the idea. "But he's behaved himself so far. You, on the other hand, I don't trust to behave himself around me, and the camera's busted in this room. So better safe than sorry."
"I don't believe this," muttered Buzz. "You make sweet talk with a gal, and she locks you up in chains like you committed some kinda crime. What's this world coming to, I'd like to know?"
"Well, need I remind you that you actually have committed crimes, Mr. Bronski?" asked Harleen. "Let's take a look at your rap sheet, and then you can talk to me about trusting you."
"Jack's got the same rap sheet," retorted Buzz. "But you said you ain't as cagey around him. Why is that?"
"I'll ask the questions here, Mr. Bronski," she replied. "And actually, you don't have the same rap sheet," she said, taking out his file. "You've got a rape accusation on here from a stripper…"
"Hey, she was asking for it!" snapped Buzz. "Teasing me and playing with me and then suddenly saying no! You can't treat a guy like that and expect him not to take what you offered him whether you want it or not!"
"Yes, I wonder why I don't trust you without being chained up," sighed Harleen, sarcastically.
"Look, the only reason Jack doesn't have any rape charges is that he's good at convincing gals that they actually do wanna do it," said Buzz. "He's more charming and persuasive than me, sure, but ultimately he also makes women do stuff that they don't actually want to do."
"The thing that matters is consent, Mr. Bronski," retorted Harleen.
"So he tricks them into consenting – that's still wrong," replied Buzz. "He's more underhanded in his method, and he don't get punished for it. Doesn't seem fair to me. No woman in her right mind would want anything to do with the kinda guy he is, and tricking them into wanting it is worse than forcing them, if you ask me."
"Nobody did ask you," retorted Harleen. She paused. "You've…seen Mr. Napier talk a lot of women into consenting, have you?"
"Yeah, he calls it charm," said Buzz, nodding. "I'm objectively the more attractive guy, but the dames all wanna go home with him. That don't make sense, and it's not fair. Which is why I'm telling you he's also doing something wrong by tricking women into consenting. Lots of women, and a new one every week, that's Jack's method."
"Do you know what sorts of things he says to these women?" asked Harleen, casually.
"I don't eavesdrop on the guy when I'm trying to work on a dame myself," retorted Buzz. "But he tells 'em the usual crap a guy says when he's trying to talk women into sex – I've never met anyone like you, I've never felt like this before, I'm crazy about you, I love you. You know, all that crap that dames fall for."
"He's…said that to a lot of women, has he?" asked Harleen, slowly.
"Oh no, he hasn't tried it on you, has he?" asked Buzz, staring at her. "At least you ain't dumb enough to fall for it, though – you're a smart doctor, not some dumb blonde stripper who would buy that crap from him. I've known Jack a lotta years, Doc, and trust me when I tell you that he doesn't feel real, genuine emotions for anyone. Everything's a game to him, everything. He's a pretty good actor, I'll admit that, but what he actually is is an unfeeling psychopath who says whatever he needs to get what he wants. But I don't need to tell you that – you've probably got him all figured out, huh?"
"Yes, I think so," murmured Harleen, feeling her heart sink a little in disappointment. "But we're not here to talk about Jack, Mr. Bronski – we're here to talk about you."
"Aw, what about me?" demanded Buzz. "Look, there's no traumatic incident from my childhood that made me into a criminal. I like money, and this is the easiest way to make lots of it. I ain't a headcase, and I don't need you poking around in my business trying to analyze me."
"Why are you so afraid of that?" asked Harleen. "Are you afraid I'll discover something you don't like about yourself?"
"There's nothing you can tell me about myself, lady," he snapped. "I know who I am, and I know why I do the things I do. I don't want you making up a buncha crap about how I'm repressed or nothing, which is what shrinks always do. They think they know you better than you know yourself."
"I think they're just trying to help you, Mr. Bronski," she said. "And sometimes if people can't help themselves, they need outside help to accomplish that. Are you happy with your life?"
"I was until I got banged up in here," he retorted. "Thanks to Jack and his stupid scheme."
"Why do you follow Jack?" she asked. "You don't think you're stupid like Chuckie does, do you?"
"Because Jack's schemes have never failed this badly before," retorted Buzz. "Sure, they never work out the way he says they will, but we usually end up with some loot. But this time he's fixed us all good, and even though he promised us a way outta here, his stupid plan to charm a shrink ain't working either. You're not dumb enough to buy his act anyway."
"No, I'm not," agreed Harleen.
"So tell me what the point of all this is," said Buzz. "If you somehow magically find the root of all my problems and cure me, I'll still be sent to Blackgate to pay for my crimes. And that's hell, but this is limbo, which is even worse because the only thing I got to look forward to is going to hell. So you tell me what I've got to be so happy about."
"Well, nothing that I can see," agreed Harleen. "The only thing you could look forward to is maybe making some psychological progress, to try and resolve some mental issues you have that might make you into a better person. You seem to have problems with women, for instance – did you have a good relationship with your mother?"
"No, I'm not playing this game," said Buzz, folding his chained arms across his chest as best he could. "I ain't answering any questions you ask me about my life or my business. That's private."
"So you have issues about opening up emotionally and making yourself vulnerable," said Harleen, writing something down. "So does Jack. I guess that's hardly unusual in a criminal – you become so angry about not being able to deal with your emotions that you feel the need to take it out on innocent people."
"Or maybe the innocent people are asking for it," said Buzz, nodding.
"Yeah, people are always asking to be killed going about their lives and minding their own business," said Harleen, rolling her eyes. "I don't know how you restrain yourself every day."
"You don't know anything about me, sweetheart," he snapped.
"Well, why don't you tell me about yourself?" she asked. "I might be able to help you."
"Have you helped Jack?" he demanded.
"Why don't you ask him?" she retorted.
"Oh, c'mon, you can't reform a guy like that!" he snapped. "I don't know what effect you think you've had on him, but he's playing you for a fool! Everything he's said to you has been a lie, because he doesn't take anything seriously! He's a complete joker!"
"Maybe you're right," murmured Harleen. "But my job is to try, otherwise we're just going to sit here in silence for an hour."
"Suits me," retorted Buzz.
"You won't get bored?" asked Harleen.
"I'm always bored in here – won't be anything new," he retorted.
Harleen thought for a moment. "I'll get you something to read," she said, reaching into her briefcase and pulling out today's newspaper. "You seem to like to give your opinion on things that don't relate to you – tell me if there's anything in there you'd like to talk about."
Buzz shrugged. "Better than being bored, I guess," he muttered, taking it from her and glancing at the headline. "Oh great, this Batman guy's back," he growled. "Maybe I'm better off locked up in here after all. But if you're looking for a headcase, Doc, there's your guy."
"Yes, he's clearly a disturbed individual," agreed Harleen. "And I don't support vigilante justice."
"We agree on that then," muttered Buzz. "People should mind their own business and leave law enforcement to the cops. If you ask me, he's just as bad as any criminal, taking the law into his own hands like that."
"I agree," said Harleen, nodding. "What do you think makes a guy do something like that?"
"Simple – he's nuts," retorted Buzz.
"And that explains him away, does it?" asked Harleen.
"It's a good enough explanation for me," replied Buzz, shrugging. "But I ain't a complex guy. People are good or bad, sane or insane. And that guy's insane."
"But you don't have any theories on what drives him to do something like that?" pressed Harleen.
Buzz shrugged. "I guess he got hurt by criminals once. Something bad happened to him, or somebody close to him, so he wants revenge. But he doesn't want anyone to know who he is, so he dresses up in a costume and beats up criminals."
"Those are my conclusions as well," said Harleen, nodding. "You should be a shrink, Mr. Bronski."
"I guess you could say I can figure people pretty well," agreed Buzz.
"How about I give you some sample cases, and you tell me what you think the problem with them is?" said Harleen, standing up and heading over to her files. "Obviously I'm gonna change the names, but I'd like to see what conclusions you come to. I'll give you a list to study for our next session, how about that?"
Buzz glared at her. "Really? You're giving me homework? I dropped outta school for just that reason."
"I think you might have fun with this," said Harleen, shuffling through her files. "Let me just type up a list – you sit and read that paper while you wait."
Harleen had finished compiling the list of cases just in time for the session to be over. She handed the list to Buzz as the guard came to collect him, saying, "Now you come see me if you have any questions, Mr. Bronski, and I'd be happy to answer them anytime."
"I've got Napier here – do you want me to send him in or are you gonna take a break?" asked the guard.
"You can send him in," said Harleen, holding open the door as the guard brought in Jack. "He's my last session of the day, and I might as well get it over with."
The door shut, and Jack beamed at her. "I hear congratulations are in order. My sexy shrink is an intern no more."
"Are you happy about that?" asked Harleen.
"Of course I am," he said, puzzled. "Why wouldn't I be?"
"Well, your theory about me wasting years of my life interning was wrong," retorted Harleen. "My life is looking up in terms of my career, which makes me even less inclined to throw in the towel and join you in a life of crime. You must be a little disappointed."
"No, I'm happy that you're happy," he said.
"Are you?" she asked. "Because you love me?"
"That's right," he murmured, leaning forward to kiss her, but she turned away from him suddenly. He stared at her in confusion. "Why are you being so cold and distant all of a sudden?" he asked. "Have I done something wrong?"
"I've been talking to Buzz," she said. "He said you say 'I love you' to lots of women, which is how you seduce them."
"Well, sometimes," agreed Jack, nodding. "But it's different with you…"
"Because I'm special, and you've never felt anything like this before," finished Harleen. "Buzz told me about those lines too."
"You think I'm lying to you?" asked Jack.
"I think you're the Joker," she said. "And you've been playing a game with me from the start."
He looked surprised and hurt for an instant, but that faded away into his usual, charming smile. "Well, why would you care if I have?" he asked. "You said this is all just casual, right? And you certainly don't love me, so why would you care if I lied when I said I loved you? Aren't we just using each other? It's probably better that there's no real emotion on either side."
"Probably," agreed Harleen. "But I just wanted to clarify that before we go any further. Buzz agreed with my conclusions, that a guy like you can't love because you're incapable of feeling anything for anyone."
"Well, Buzz would know," retorted Jack, his smile looking a little forced. "Maybe you should start doing him if you two get along so well."
She sighed. "Look, I didn't mean to upset you," she said. "I just want us to be honest with each other. I'm already sleeping with you, so you don't need to lie to me by saying you love me if it's not true. Now is it true?"
He shrugged. "You're the shrink, and you know best. If you think I'm not capable of love, then you're probably right."
She nodded slowly. "Ok. Do you still wanna do this?"
"Do you?" he asked.
She grinned. "Well, I do want to celebrate getting the job. And Dr. Leland did recommend celebrating with someone special. And you certainly make a gal feel special. Why don't you congratulate me properly?" she murmured, pulling her hair out of its bun.
"Mmm, I can do that," he said, grinning back. "You are in for a treat, Harley Quinn. The Joker is gonna rev up his Harley."
"Oh my God, seriously?" demanded Harleen. "You think that's sexy talk?"
"I spent all last night thinking it up," said Jack, offended. "Don't tell me you don't like it. I think it works great - I know how to get your engine revving and your motor humming, don't I?"
She sighed, but smiled. "You better take me for a nice, long, hard ride then," she purred, settling herself on his lap.
"I will, but you gotta vroom for me," he said, grinning.
"No, you gotta shut up and drive," she whispered, pressing her mouth into his.
…
"Hey, guard, I need to see Dr. Quinzel," said Buzz, banging on the bars of his cell.
"Dr. Quinzel is with a patient," retorted the guard, not looking up from his magazine. "You saw me bring him in."
"Yeah, but she said I could come see her if I had any questions," said Buzz. "And I dunno what this word means – kleptomania. Do you?"
"What do I look like, a shrink?" demanded the guard, looking up.
"I know Chuckie doesn't know," said Buzz. "And I doubt Jack will when he gets back. Anyway, I can't finish my homework that she gave me if I don't find out what this word means, and you heard her say she'd be happy to answer any questions."
"I'm sure she doesn't want you interrupting her session," retorted the guard. "And I'm certainly not gonna do that."
"And I'm sure she wants me to do this homework," retorted Buzz. "And she did say to come see her anytime. Why don't you let me do that? You don't have to come – I'll take all the blame if she gets mad at being interrupted."
The guard sighed, heading over to the cell and unlocking it. "Don't try anything funny," he muttered. "You go to her office and back and that's all. If you're not back here in two minutes, I'm coming to find you with a taser."
"Fine," muttered Buzz, as the door unlocked. "Geez, people are so suspicious," he sighed, heading down the hall and around the corner to Dr. Quinzel's office. "What did I ever do to get people not to trust me?"
He raised his hand to knock on the door, when he suddenly heard familiar noises coming from behind it. Buzz stared at the door in astonishment, not believing what he was hearing, but then he leaned forward and put his ear to the door to confirm that the noises were exactly what he thought they were – a man and a woman, moaning in passion. "It's not possible," he whispered, but then a slow, horrible smile lit up his face. "Jack, you dog!" he chuckled. "You managed to play the shrink after all!"
He laughed, heading back to his cell with a grin on his face. "Oh yes, we're getting outta here," he murmured to himself. "It's just gonna take a little blackmail."