Author's Note: I've been playing Mario games since he was "Jumpman" in Donkey Kong, so there's a lot of info from the games, books, toys, and anything else Nintendo makes with him. I understand the Super Mario Movie and cartoons are not canon, but I do use some of the cartoon lore in here for filler info. Also, according to Shigeru Miyamoto, Mario's creator, Mario is 5'1'' and 25 years old, such info I have used to make more sense of less profiled characters. So knowing this, please don't freak out about certain characters being so-so feet tall and so-so years old. I mean, if that stuff freaks you out then, spoiler alert, Mario is not a plumber anymore and I will make note of it in the story. Timeline wise, I'm placing this before the Mario + Rabbids: Kingdom Battle, Mario & Luigi: Superstar Saga + Bowser's Minions, Super Mario Odyssey, and Mario Party: The Top 100 games, those I have yet to properly think of ways to intergrade into this story, plus most of those games haven't even been released yet. But enough of me rambling, you want to lose yourself in a story, so here it is. Enjoy. ^_^
I hold my hands behind me and hum to myself as I stroll pleasantly through the halls of this wonderfully toasty castle. The floor is stone cold but heated perfectly thanks to lava flow insulation. Almost makes me want to go barefoot.
Passing work staff smile at my tune, adding to their already chipper moods. I even get to share passing gestures of goodwill to my buddies, the yin-yang boys, it's my nickname for the black and white Minikoopas' I met a while back. Those guys are cool.
After a while though, I do arrive where I recall Peach's room to be, only it's different now. The door has been triple locked. There's a small slot to pass a tray of food through. And two tough guards posted around it. Seems Bowser wasn't kidding about his "not taking any chances" vow with this plan of his.
"Lady Lynsie..."
Part of me flinches thinking it's Morton till I remember he's with Bowser and the others. My attention goes to the Boom Boom and Pom Pom guarding the door.
Boom Booms are Koopas that bear some resemblance to the Koopalings, in that they too have rounded snouts with protruding teeth, padded feet, and thick limbs. However, they differ in that their lower shell covers their entire body, like Koopa Troopas, Lakitus, and other species, unlike Bowser and the Koopalings, whose ribbed bellies are separated from their carapaces by bare scales. Boom Booms usually have spikes on their shells, however, some Boom Booms have smooth, Koopa Troopa-like shells matching Pom Pom's spotted, ladybug-like shell.
Boom Booms had slightly darker coloration than the Koopalings, with yellow, tan and brown scales, and a rare Desert Land Boom Boom was grey. Boom Boom is a Koopa with tan or brown skin, sometimes even yellow. He has long flailing arms and is built like Roy or Morton. He has a rounded snout with two protruding teeth, large legs and padded feet like the Koopalings, and is roughly their height as well, the main difference being the belly being fully covered by the front part of the shell, which is connected with the rear part of the shell. He is also larger than Mario and his hands have visible claws, like the rest of his species. Boom Boom is Bowser's faithful servant. He is a powerhouse with a short-temper, although he can be easily defeated by taking three stomps to the head. Boom Boom can give orders to the Koopa Troop if needed like Bowser can.
Pom Pom is the female counterpart of Boom Boom, though she has a blonde ponytail and a hair tie with a pair of green beads on her head, shorter arms than Boom Boom's, and a smoother and smaller shell with dots similar to that of Buzzy Beetles, while other Koopas have shells with plates and grooves. She has shaped cheeks, a high nose, a low jaw, and deeply curved lips, similar to that of the Koopalings, two large teeth, padded feet and claws like her male counterpart. Unlike the latter, Pom Pom has magenta skin, tan head with red eyes instead of black and pink foot pads instead of light yellow. Her closest resemblance, apart from Boom Boom, is Wendy O. Koopa. This Pom Pom is this Boom Boom's sister and Pom Pom wants to be refined and elegant but is actually prone to losing her temper.
"What brings you over?"
"Lord Bowser didn't mention you'd be stopping by."
This level of respect I have with the people here...I like it.
"That's because he doesn't know. I just had a spur of the moment thought and figured why not see how the royal pain in pink is doing."
"*muffled* I heard that!"
Glad you did, you bitch.
"I'm going to take a guess and say you can't let me inside, right?"
They nod in unison.
"As much as we'd like to..."
"Because we've heard what happened at the party and would love to see that in person!"
"Boom! *cough* What he means is, we'd like to let you in, but everyone has strict orders to not open this door unless Bowser himself says so in person. Sorry."
Smart move.
"No need to be sorry, I get it. Rules are rules. Heh...So...Does everyone know what happened at the party?"
Pom looks away nonchalantly and Boom nods, making me smirk.
"Nice. But just to be clear, I didn't hit her right away...Not that I didn't want to. She hit me before the King gave me the green light to hit back."
"Still, it's a thing in itself that you actually hit her and got away with it."
I rub the back of my head and grin.
"Yeah, I guess you're right."
Why do I feel so proud about this? It's not that big of a deal. ... Oh who am I kidding, it's awesome!
"Alright, I know I can't go in there. But is there any rule saying I can't lean on it or chat?"
They look at each other and then me.
"I guess that's fine."
"I don't wish to bother you..."
"N-No, you're fine. This job can get boring. So the company is welcomed."
"Cool."
I move to stand between them and lean on the door.
"How are you two doing today? All good?"
"So far, yes."
"Pretty normal day really. How about you? Don't you stay with the Prince?"
"The children are with the King. He requested them for some reason, so I've got some free time for now."
"And you use it chatting with us?"
"Boom! Be nice."
"What? I didn't say anything bad...Did I?"
"Nah, man. You're fine. It's not often I get time from the kids, so I don't really know what to do with myself."
"*muffled* Why not jump out of a window?"
Peach chimes in, apparently been listening in this whole time. I chuckle and back kick the door, the sudden noise seemed to had spooked her as we hear a thud, likely her or something else falling to the floor.
"Princesses should be seen and not heard. Or in your case, just shut up."
The two siblings just look at me like this is something only done in movies. Talking back to a Princess, let alone Peach, it's unheard of. Yet I do it so boldly and without hesitation or remorse. I am a typically respectful soul, but I have a bad side and once you're on it, you will be seared by my fire of loathing.
"*muffled* You wouldn't be so tough if weren't surrounded by all these Koopas. Do you really believe your own hype that much?"
"I am the hype!"
Boom snickers and Pom fights the giggles coming to her as Peach groans. I will admit I do have more confidence in myself since being here. Dare I say, I'm developing my own form of Koopa pride. I like it.
"*muffled* My stars...As if these kidnappings weren't bad enough, you add a new level of annoyance to it all."
"Princess, you're just jealous of my super Koopa swagger."
"*muffled* Oh, you think you're being cute?!"
"Peach, I'm adorable."
She angrily groans and bangs on the door.
"*muffled* Just go away already!"
"And miss out on this? *chuckles* I think not. This is just too darn funny."
"*muffled angry screaming*"
"Oh yes, keep it up. Your anguish sustains me."
I can hear her stomp away from the door and my smile is starting to hurt with how big it's gotten.
"Lady Lynn..."
I look a Boom and his eyes are sparkling.
"If things don't work out with Master Roy, can I give you my phone number?"
Pom berates her sibling and I snicker. I don't know what's worse, how deep my blush is to the point it burns or that I'm beginning to like all this male attention. But it does make me think. How is Roy and the others doing? What is Bowser discussing with them? Why was Kamek there? So many questions.
[Meanwhile: In Bowser's study]
Bowser looked at the eight small faces before him, all of them looking up at him and staring in waiting to find out why they were summoned here. This, however, was not something so easily done. This was a father to child moment he had been dreading. This was...The Talk. Thank god Kamek was here with him or he'd just sit in his chair completely silent, and so Kamek speaks up to get it started.
"You all are probably wondering why you were called here."
"Nah, what was your first clue?"
Roy was not in the mood to just sit around and be talked to. Not when he could be with his girl. Kamek merely sneered and continued.
"Look, it has come to our attention that some of you, not naming names here, have demonstrated certain behavior towards a certain girl that shall also remain nameless."
All eyes glare at Roy instantly and he growls.
"Ah heck no! Y'all can't pin jack on me!"
"Clearly this is about your unhealthy obsession with our dear maiden, brother."
"My unhealthy obsession?! Ya can't lay all blame on me. You too came out and openly admitted to all of us you were gonna try to go after her!"
"At least I'm a gentleman about it. You, on the other hand, are far from subtle in what you want of her."
"Yeah! You're too creepy with Mama."
"I am not a creep!"
"Morton like her too. The Lynn lady is very cuddly and warm."
"And y'all call me the creep."
"Morton not creepy!"
"All of you boys are creepy! She's not even a Koopa, back off already."
Wendy speaks up and now Bowser is less embarrassed but more annoyed.
"Hey!"
He snaps and they all look at their father.
"This isn't about Lynsie. This is about the lot of you. You are all developing and things are changing. *sigh* I've not been looking forward to this, but like it or not, I'm your dad and I have to do my duty."
There is snickering at the uttering of the word 'duty'. This makes Bowser groan and regret doing this. He slaps his hand on the book to get their attention before opening said book and flipping pages till he finds what he needs then looks at them.
"Kids...You know that slit we have that we go to the bathroom from?"
A wave a "Yeah"s sound.
"Well...The thing is...It's...*nervous* Kamek, help me out here?"
"If I can...*ahem* When you get to a certain age, your bodies will begin to act differently."
Iggy raises his hand.
"Are you about to give us 'the talk'?"
Kamek nods and Bowser nervously looks at the floor.
"You're not going to use that whole 'Birds and Bees' talk, are you?"
"No. You're old enough to know the truth."
"So no 'stork talk' either?"
"Oh, the stork is a real thing. It just doesn't happen for us Koopas. We hatch from eggs. It's the Humans that get delivered from storks."
The children "Oooh" in realization but then a new question pops up.
"Wait, if the stork delivers the human babies, where do they come from?"
"The mother gives birth to them. The child is then in the care of doctors to make sure it's healthy while the parents go home and get things ready. Then when the child is determined to be healthy enough, it's then the stork's job to take the child to it's home."
"That...Makes sense?"
"But where do the eggs come from?"
"From females."
Wendy's face reddens and she stands up insulted.
"I do not lay eggs!"
Kamek rolls his eyes.
"No one is saying you do. I'm simply stating that eggs come from females. You don't right now, but when your body reaches a point of adult maturity, you'll be capable of egg making. Still, you won't pop out eggs like some common Birdo. You'll only make eggs if you ever copulate with a male."
She and the others a very confused.
"Copulate?"
"What's that mean?"
Bowser, his face a mixer of embarrassment for this talk and rage for the thought of any guy touching his only daughter, speaks up.
"It means...When a guy and girl really love each other very much..."
"Are they married?"
"Um, they should be. Just let me finish."
"What do you mean 'they should be'?"
"So people can make babies when not married?"
"Yes, but it's not a good thing."
"Why?"
"Because if you're not married and you have a kid, nothing is stopping the person with the least feelings from just leaving and taking responsibility."
"So marriage equals okay with kids?"
"Not always. It all depends on the people involved in the relationship. If there's no love or the love isn't there like it was at the start, then a child isn't going to help things."
"Is that what happened to you?"
The room goes silent. Lemmy's innocence is a real pain sometimes. Bowser's grip on the book tightens, his claws shredding into the cover as he bites his tongue to hold himself back. Thank goodness he managed to get Kamek to be here for this. The old Magikoopa put a hand on Bowser's knee before approaching Lemmy and whacking him on the back of his head.
"Ow! What was that for?"
"You should know better than to say things like that. We don't talk about her. Nor is she part of this talk. This is about you lot. Now zip your lip, or there will be more where that came from."
Lemmy pouts and folds his arms, but does as told.
"Good. My lord, I do believe you were at the part of our *awkward cough*...reproductive system."
Most of the older kids look at their father with disturbed faces, while the younger bunch are confused.
"Father please, I believe I speak on everyone's behalf when I say...For the love of all that's pure, don't!"
"Wow. Somethin' that actually makes even your skin."
"Shut it, Roy. Now's not the time to be funny."
"Who's bein' funny? Ya think I wanna hear any of this?"
"Silence!"
Bowser yells to regain control of the room.
"You're all getting older. Your bodies are changing. You feel weird sometimes and not sure why. You get weird dreams that make you feel even weirder. It all sucks. Puberty sucks when you have no clue it's happening or why. All it really means is that you're getting closer to becoming an adult. Now me telling all of you this doesn't mean you're all going through this. I'm just telling you all this stuff so that you understand things that are going to happen or might happen because of the changes going on inside of you. So let me just explain a few things and hopefully, we can all leave this room knowing we'll never have to go through this again."
He reopens the now slightly messed up book.
"We reptiles generally reproduce normally, a guy and girl make a baby, you get that part. Though some are capable of asexual reproduction, and that means they don't need someone else to make kids."
"Like a Yoshi?"
"Exactly. Now, remember that slit I talked about earlier?"
They nod.
"Well...All reproductive activity occurs through that slit. It's called the cloaca, the single exit/entrance at the base of the tail where waste is also eliminated."
"Wait, wait, hold the phone! Are you sayin' what I think you're sayin'?"
"Yes."
"No way!"
"Does that mean we pee and poop out babies?"
"This is really confusing, Papa."
"Will you just let me explain?! When in moments of passion, the deepest of love, that's when males...*grumble* Guys will...*flustered* Kamek, you say it. I just can't."
"*groan* To make children, a male has to engage a female in physical intimacy. In other words, he puts his..."
[Meanwhile: At Princess Peach's door]
"Okay, I think I got a good one. A Troopa walks into a bar with a cheese sandwich in his hands. 'Bartender, a pint for me and the cheese sandwich', he says to the barman. 'I'm sorry, sir', replies the barman, 'we don't serve food in here."
Boom laughs and Pom groans.
"Really? You tell that story all the time. These are supposed to be funny."
"Oh! I've got a good one!"
I clear my throat.
"A Toad walks into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender asks, 'dang, why are you drinking so fast?'. The Toad says, 'you would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had.'. The bartender asks, 'what do you have?'. The Toad replies as he stands up and makes a dash towards the door, 'empty pockets!'."
I snicker, Boom laughs, and Pom giggles a bit.
"My turn...A Goomba walks into a bar and orders three beers. The bartender brings him the three beers, and the Goomba proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone. He then orders three more and the bartender says, 'Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low.'. The Goomba says, 'you don't understand. I have two brothers, one in a different Kingdom. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we're drinking together.'. The bartender thinks it's a wonderfully sweet tradition, and every week he sets up the Goomba's three beers. Then one week, the Goomba comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more. The bartender says sadly, 'knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry you've lost a brother.'. The Goomba replies, 'Oh, my brothers are fine. I just quit drinking.'."
The three of us laugh out loud. Telling jokes has been our way of passing the time and it's been a heck of rib tickler if I do say so myself. Suddenly, our laughter dies at the soft sound on the other side of the door.
"*muffled* Um...I have a joke. If it's okay to join in with you?"
We share looks. Personally, if she's willing to behave and not act like a bitch, then I'm willing to give her a chance at being social with us. Who knows, maybe it'll be good for her to interact with people that aren't trying to kiss her ass. That's my hope at least.
"Sure. Give it a try."
There's silence for a little bit, followed by a calming breath.
"*muffled* A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. He gulps it down, looks into his pocket, and asks for another beer. He chugs that beer looks into his pocket, and asks for another. The man does this a few more times until the bartender asks, 'how come you look in your pocket before asking for more beer?'. The man says, 'because there is a picture of my wife in my pocket and I'm going to keep drinking till she looks good enough for me to go home to.'."
Again, there's silence as the joke sets in. Boom is the first to crack and I soon follow, Pom tries to hold back since the joke isn't exactly in good taste for girls.
"*muffled* Really? It was funny?"
"Hehehe...And here I was thinking you didn't have a sense of humor. I've misjudged you there, Peach."
"*muffled* I'll...I thank you."
*distant screaming*
That has my spine chill.
"What was that?"
"I don't know, but I'm sure as heck going to find out. You two stay at your posts."
"Yes, sir!"
I ignore that as they salute and I take off in the direction of the screaming. I hope everything's okay.
[Meanwhile: In Bowser's study]
"Koopas can take many years to reach breeding age, and in many cases, breed every few years rather than annually, or whenever your partner is feeling okay to do so. The gestation period can range from six to ten weeks depending on the type of Koopa. But the incubation period is easier to observe, this typically lasts sometimes as low as forty to as high as one hundred and twenty days. Once that range of time is up, the eggs will either hatch or prove to be duds. The temperature inside the egg can also affect this process. Warmer temperatures speed up development and cooler temperatures slow it down. In some species, temperature determines whether an egg develops into a male or a female. A higher temperature causes a female, a lower temperature causes a male. This is not the case with us, as we have places made for such times and are set to an even temperature to allow the hatchlings to develop as normal as possible."
Bowser shuts the book and looks at the eight youths before him.
"Now then...Any questions?"
He is lost in a sea of mortified faces.
"I thought you did very well, my lord."
Kamek tries to be assuring.
"It had to be done. They needed to understand."
"I don't know. I haven't seen them blink in over ten minutes."
A small hand is suddenly raised up.
"Oh! I have a question!"
Iggy is a curious soul, of course, he has questions about things.
"Yes, Iggy?"
"If humans are mammals and we are reptiles, then doesn't that make our attraction to each other's species doomed from the start?"
This got attention.
"Explain."
"Well, we're dealing with two very different biological bodies here. Mammals are warm-blooded and give birth to live offspring. But reptiles are cold-blooded and our offspring are born in eggs. Two species can only interbreed if they are closely related, usually within the same genus, and at least within the same genetic family. This basically means that they shared an ancestor with each other more recently than with other animals, and thus share much of the same genetic material. Beyond family level, two species cease to share enough genetic material for the egg and sperm to 'recognize' each other, which is why you can't breed animals from different families, let alone different classes. For example, if you tried to breed a dog and a cat, the dog sperm simply wouldn't be able to fertilize the cat egg, and vice-versa. Incidentally, some animals do not need to have the same number of chromosomes to be able to interbreed. For example, horses and donkeys have different numbers of chromosomes and can interbreed to produce mules and hinnies. The difference in chromosome number between the parent species is the reason many hybrids are sterile, as it prevents the animal producing functional reproduction cells, but it does not prevent the existence of the hybrid itself."
"Huh...So what you're saying is, hypothetically speaking, if a Koopa somehow got involved with a human, nothing would happen? Making children wise."
"Yes. Even if there was the tiniest microscopic of chances that the union would work on a genetic level, the odds are so stacked against it that it wouldn't result in anything or by some miracle, an amalgamation hybrid baby might happen but have a short lifespan, as all hybrids tend to have."
"So if Papa tried for a baby with Mama Peach or Mama Lynn..."
"Squirt, don't tick me off right now!"
"Then they can't make babies?"
"In an eggshell, yes, that's correct. Well..."
"Well, what?"
"That's merely stating the basic science of it. I haven't factored in magic."
"So it's possible with magic to crossbreed?"
"Not sure, but the odds get better with it. I mean, if there's a spell to reverse a Dry to come back into living flesh, then there is probably a spell somewhere to ensure genetic fertility among two opposing species types."
The children keep talking amongst themselves as Bowser and Kamek listen in with curious fascination.
"Did you know they were this smart?"
"No, sire. But I'll admit, it's rather impressive that they're figuring this out."
"So...Is there really such a spell?"
"...You're not really thinking what I think you're thinking of doing are you?"
"W-What?! No! I'm just curious. You are my all-knowing mage. It would be a little funny to find out that you don't know something that involves magic."
Kamek knows he's being baited. His pride in his work is his big thing. But darn it if he didn't want to show off. He folded his arms in a cocky fashion and adjusted his glasses.
"Well, my lord, it just so happens that I might know of a spell or two that fit the description Iggy gave."
Kamek smirks to himself when Bowser's eyes widen. Oh yeah, the great mage of the Koopa Kingdom would not be known as one that couldn't pull off any spell no matter how bizarre it sounded. Kamek has powers commonly associated with Magikoopas, including teleportation, creating beings from inanimate objects, pyrokinesis, firing magical blasts from his scepter, summoning enemies and the ability to create multiple copies of himself. However, these are much more powerful than those of a regular Magikoopa, because of his top rank. The evidence of this was best shown the Dream Stone Nightmare where Kamek created an army of Dry Bones surrounding Mario, creates different colored clones of himself with unique properties, and being able to fire a gigantic magic blast with other Magikoopas at a Giant Dreamy Luigi during the battle against Giant Bowser, despite being fatigued from previous battles with Mario and Dreamy Luigi. Kamek is also capable of flying on a broomstick, being the first ever male Magikoopa to display such an ability, since Kammy and other female Magikoopa has been able to do so for far longer. Aside from the aforementioned powers inherent to all Magikoopas, Kamek has powers unique to himself, the most prominent of which is his ability to shrink and grow other beings, including himself, to extreme proportions. Kamek is also capable of psychic powers, such as divination, brainwashing, foreseeing events in the future, and manipulating objects with his mind. These he does without using his scepter, although he does utilize a crystal ball for precognition and divination. He also has the ability to Paperize. Kamek also has some expertise at mechanics, supposedly building the apparent time travel device he and Bowser utilized to go back to kidnap the Seven Star Children; Kamek's ingenuity at mechanics remains as in one story even having him create a vacuum cleaner-like device which can absorb color and emotions. Kamek is also a master at various types of games, pertaining such skills at them that he has been given the coveted title of Game Mage. Although not usually shown, Kamek has superhuman strength. This is revealed many times throughout the story of called Yoshi's Island, Kamek has been able to lift and use a giant magical hammer many times his size to power the bosses with little to no effort. He also has been shown to have significant levels of durability and is capable of enduring lethal situations as he survived being knocked into lava by Giant Bowser and even after being weakened plus being dissolved into ashes. Rumor has it he has used unknown magic to make himself immortal and revitalizes to look younger than he actually is. In summation, he is a man with a very particular set of skills, skills that he has acquired over a very long career. Skills that make him a nightmare for people like Mario and friends.
"You're not just messing with me so you can sound super cool, right? You really know magic like that?"
"My lord, would I lie to you about my own abilities?"
"I suppose you wouldn't. But still..."
"Still what?"
"Why would you even know such spells in the first place?"
To that, Kamek had no answer for. At least, no real answer.
"When you live as long as I have, dear Bowser, you learn truly the oddest of things."
"In any case, it's an interesting thing to know that you know such odd yet intriguing things, Kamek."
Bowser gets up from his chair and the children cease their talking, not knowing if there is more to be heard from their father. After all, this was both a very awkward talk and yet most fascinating one too.
"Well kids, I hope you're all now better informed about your bodies and all that other stuff."
Jr. stands up.
"Papa..."
"Yes, son?"
"This has been very gross and weird."
"Heh...I know. But it's true. Growing up is a confusing and often gross time. But it happens to everyone and there's no avoiding it. You just have to be strong, deal with it till, then after some time, you'll become the fully adult Koopas that will one day rule over this land and world."
They cheer in excitement, looking forward to the future of coming power and pride that will come from their father when he looks on them as the strong adults they know they shall become.
"Now with all this out of the way, who feels like lounging in front of the TV and munching on a jumbo-sized bowel of popcorn?"
"Me!"
"I call center seat!"
"No fair!"
"First one there gets it!"
There's a rush to the door but it doesn't go past it. Once the door is opened, they run straight into the stumbling human that was only seconds late in opening the door herself, resulting in a small crash.
"Ow..."
"Mama!"
I chuckle embarrassed under the pile of children.
"Hi everybody."
We unscramble from the floor to stand up once more.
"So...How was family time?"
"Highly enlightening."
Iggy snickers and it tickles my curiosity.
"Oh? Am I allowed to know what was spoken?"
I see blushes come to several faces and Lemmy laughs giddily.
"We talked about..."
"NO!"
Bowser shouts as he makes it to the doorway. A deep shade of crimson lights his face and now I'm so very confused plus super curious.
"I-I mean...Uh...It's a Koopa related thing. N-No offense to you personally. It's not like we can't trust you with such knowledge because if ever there was a human we'd trust with such information it would be you. But..."
I hold up my hand and smile to end his rambling.
"But...It's a need to know bases and is personal. I get it. No need to panic, my King. I completely understand. So, please...Don't feel so bad about it. Okay?"
My words appear to give the Koopa King some relief, the red of his cheeks dims and a pleasant shine comes to his eyes.
"Anyway..."
Kamek flies over Bowser and the bunch of us to enter the hall.
"All pleasantries aside, this part of the day is over. Now onto other things. And by that I mean, we've got more important things to do. So be a good girl and take care of the young lords."
I just stare at him.
"I don't know whether you're being nice when you say that or just being a jerk. So, I'm going to assume the former and not the latter."
"...Take care, girl."
He floats away and I pick up Jr. as Bowser strolls off with the Koopalings following close behind, except for Roy. That silly boy managed to sneak up behind me and nearly scare me half to death when he creeps up under me to prop me up to straddle his neck while resting on his shoulders, all while Jr. is still in my arms.
"Holy Cractus, Roy! A little warning too much to ask for?!"
He just snickers and holds my legs to his chest before following the others that have looked back at us because of the sheer volume my voice peaked from the surprise.
"Relax, sweet cheeks. I'm just bein' a nice guy and lettin' my girl take a break from bein' on her feet. Besides, it's the best seat in the whole castle."
I roll my eyes at his bold cockiness but let him play the part of a gentleman if that is indeed his wish. Jr. makes a point to annoy him by constantly dropping his tail in Roy's face. And Bowser seems to view the whole thing vexing.
The Koopa King knew his brutish son had a thing for the girl, but only now after going over "The Talk" with his children, did he feel a weight in the pit of his stomach. Was Roy really going to try something with her? If Roy did, would she go along with it? How could he, Bowser, convey his own interest in her while not telling her bluntly or do so in a way that won't hurt Roy? For that matter, even if he did express his interest to her, how can he explain himself for seeking her while marrying Peach?
Argh! Why is it like this?! It shouldn't be this hard, shouldn't be this dark, love should flow easily with no holding back. He has seen others find their match and build something great together, of each other, like two halves fitting perfectly. They achieve great things one by one, always together, and it seems grand. But for him? Love to him is like a stone in his chest that makes his heart hurt. He had known and danced in fires of love before, but they have burned him, leaving him scarred from the flames. Even the idea of letting himself get that vulnerable again makes his chest tighten up painfully. He wanted what a fairytale always made love out to be like. Like nothing can go wrong, the sun always shined bright, a beautiful neverending blooming garden, and a peaceful joy that coats your very soul in bliss...but that's not what he ever got. This was how it always was. The cracks, the faults, the ugly words said when alone with the one he believed he cared for, being angry but falling asleep thinking he loves them, and the thought that if he just tried hard enough then maybe they wouldn't push him away.
But then...This girl came into his castle. This odd but nice girl, she was doing things for him that others didn't. This was his new shot at that fairytale dream. The quiet in the hallway, hoping for her to speak just to hear her voice, even if it's silly small talk. Wishing she'd brush up against him to feel that soft touch and to catch a whiff of her scent that made his heart beat flutter. The smallest things about her that were inconsequential to most now held so much more value to him now that he had these feelings. Kamek told him to keep his mouth shut and let her come to him so long as she feels the same way, but at this rate, he wasn't sure how much time he really had before one of his boys tried to make a move.
Even as they came to rest in the rec-room, Bowser made the popcorn and watched them all flock to her. It made him think of them like cats all crazy for catnip. Heh...Now that's something to picture. All of them as cats. Oh! Maybe he still had some Super Bells or Lucky Bells around here somewhere. He'd bet a ton of coin she'd think he'd be cute if she saw him as Meowser. In his Cat form, he has white and orange fur with brown stripes, similar to a tiger's, a ringed tail, cat ears instead of horns, whiskers, and his button nose is black. Also, his hair is colored red, white, and brown, and his shell appears to become more gray-blue, looking similar to Dry Bowser's but without red gaps. Even his trademark roar becomes different, giving off more of a meow-like sound, and he gets even bigger. Yeah, heh, she'd so like that.
"Something must be funny."
His thoughts are broken by her voice.
"Huh?"
"You're giggling to yourself. Must be something pretty funny you're thinking about."
He blushes faintly and places the food filled bowel down beside the bunch of them.
"Just thinking of what to do later. If it's not too much trouble, I'd like to show it to you."
She eyed him a bit, probably thinking about the way he said that; it's a trait he'd come to notice she'd do if she heard something in an odd way. It made her brow scrunch and her eyes appeared larger yet vacant as if looking at something in her mind. In his opinion, it was adorable. But then she comes back and smiles.
"Sure. I'd be delighted."
It was happening again. That lighter than air feeling that made the painful stone in his heart seem to vanish. Would it be weird to grab her and hug her out of the blue? To tell her to please don't go, I need you like you need me? That this is his castle and his family but he'd offer anything for her to be part of it forever? Okay, wow! Now that was too much too soon. No need to scare the poor girl, geez. Man, it's been too long since he'd had these feelings. He really needed to get these feelings in check before his heart bypassed his brain to make his mouth say something so crazy that it would destroy all his plans.
[Meanwhile: In Castle Two]
The exit to the back of the castle opens, fuzzy creatures flee into the surrounding area doing what they can to avoid the balls of fire and ice that are being shot at them. Once the sandy smoke clears, out of the castle steps the Mario Brothers, having claimed victory to yet another obstacle in their path to rescue Princess Peach. They are a bit worse for wear, but in much better shape than they were when dealing with the boss at the first castle. Thank the stars for having those items.
"Yeah, you-a better run! No overgrown dust-bunnies are gonna get the best of Mario!"
To further make it more abundantly clear, Mario uses his fire to char "MARIO WAS HERE" into the castle wall.
"Don't you-a think that's a bit much?"
"So? They tried to kill us. If you-a think I'm-a not gonna tag their stuff..."
"All I'm-a saying is that it's tacky. You're better than that."
Mario rolls his eyes and sighs.
"Fine. I won't tag any more things. Happy?"
Luigi pouts weakly.
"Thanks, bro."
Suddenly, there's rustling in a nearby bush and it gets them on edge. Could it be the Fuzzies and Smorgs again? Did they reassemble? Did they call for backup? Only when a pair of familiar ears pop out of the bush did they relax. Nabbit pops out and waves at them. He is a mysterious purple rabbit with round eyes, long ears, and black limbs. He also wears a white handkerchief with a drawing of a large mouth with sharpened teeth, similar to Bowser Jr.'s mask, as well as orange shoes and white gloves. And behind him is his large bag of stolen goods.
"Geez, Nabbit...Way to give a guy a heart attack."
Nabbit snickers at Luigi.
"Sorry. But when in my line of work, well, you'd understand why I don't like being out in the open."
"Fair enough."
He approaches the brothers and then looks behind them.
"Seems you both got through there in one piece. Good job. Word is, Bowser went the extra mile in loading the castles with the worst of the worst just for you. Kind of flattering if you ask me."
That made Luigi gulp with dread, but Mario didn't seem phased in the slightest.
"Any word as to 'who' these worst of the worst are?"
"No. I don't know anything. At least...Not yet."
"What do you-a mean?"
"Heh...I have a reputation to protect, you know. Doing you this favor with my stuff is one deal. Getting you info is a whole different thing. And I don't work for free if you know what I mean."
They shoot the rabbit thief shifty looks.
"Are you-a..."
"Are you-a really blackmailing us?"
Nabbit puts one arm up in defense, the other keeps its vice grip on the bag.
"Of course not. I'm extorting you. There's a difference."
Mario glares and Luigi groans, but Nabbit just smiles, not that it can be seen that is.
"Look...The way I see it, you both still have six more castles to get through and that's counting Bowser's. You're gonna need to know what you're dealing with if you want to get to the Princess in time."
That got their attention.
"What do you, get there in time?"
"You don't know? Well, to be fair, it's not like you would. Too busy being lost in fights in dangerous castles..."
"Cut the chit-chat, Nabbit. Get to the point already."
Nabbit rolls his eyes at Mario. Then again, he expected nothing less from the hero in red. Nabbit lives somewhere called Secret Island and spends all his time studying Mario, which is just...weird...but it does give him an advantage when dealing with the man. He knows when and how to string him along.
"Fine...Talk in the shadows is that Bowser is planning on marrying Princess Peach."
Luigi pales but Mario sighs.
"Again? This is like, the sixth or seventh time she's been forced to the altar."
"Are we counting that time when Booster tried to marry her?"
"Yes."
"And that time with Count Bleck marrying her to Bowser to make the Chaos Heart?"
"Yes! And that wasn't real. He's not a priest."
"But...Then why did the Chaos Heart form?"
"It wasn't real! And just to be safe, she had it annulled!"
"Oh...Then this is the sixth time."
Mario slaps his face with his palm.
"Nice of you-a to be keeping score, bro."
"Thanks!"
Luigi, being immune to sarcasm since forever.
"Anyway..."
Nabbit gets their attention again.
"While there's no news of a set date, you know how Bowser is. He'll do it as soon as the mood strikes him. So with that in mind...Are you really sure you have the time to waste just blindly heading into castle after castle?"
As much as they hated to admit it, Nabbit had a point. Bowser, from their perspective, was prone to acting first before doing any real thinking. Sure, he'd have a basic plan made, but nothing so elaborate or with contingencies like this current plot had been. If this was really him taking them seriously, then they'd have to do the same before the worst thing to happen happened again...even if Mario denies it.
"Fine. How much do you-a want?"
"Not much. Just enough to make up for this venture. Seeing as I'm losing the most by helping you guys."
"What do you-a...?"
"You said I could loot the castles in exchange for supplying you with the things you need. But do you know just how many things I found in Castle One? Go one. Take a wild guess."
Luigi began to sweat yet Mario only folded his arms in building annoyance.
"None."
"Exactly! I found none! Zilch, zip, zero, nada! You knew I'd find nothing and lied to my face!"
"How did you-a find out so quickly?"
"I'm Nabbit. I'm fast. Faster than you. That's all you need to know."
"How much do you-a want, Nabbit?"
Mario's attitude only made Nabbit's eye twitch before pointing his finger at them angrily.
"Half! I want half!"
"H-Half? Half of what?"
"You get coin while doing these rescues, yes? And you split it between the two of you? I want half of each of your halves!"
"That's garbage!"
"And using me to save your dumb girlfriend isn't it?"
"She is not..."
"I don't freaking care! I don't care who gets the girl, who she is, why any of you care, none of it! I do what I do because it's simple and it helps me. This? All this crud right here? No, I ain't dealing with stuff like this for free. I'm not a charity! So you either pay the bunny or lose the girl. Your move."
Mario glares.
"I'll pay."
Luigi agrees without hesitation and Mario isn't happy.
"What are you-a doing?"
"I'm-a doing what is right. It wasn't nice to trick him and we shouldn't waste time getting to Peach."
"Unbelievable...Do you-a know how much our bills are? Not to mention taxes..."
"Yeah, I do. Because I'm-a the one that pays them. You're the one that waits till we get 'final notices' before paying for anything. That's how you-a lost your castle."
"I didn't like it anyway. Once Wario put his stink in it, it was never the same."
"I put out a second mortgage on our house to get-a that thing!"
"Why are you-a so bitter? We still have the house. And you-a have how many mansions now?"
"That's not the point! I didn't pay for those, they were given to me, and I had to rescue you-a from them!"
"You-a didn't rescue me. I was just waiting for the perfect time to escape."
"You-a were trapped in paintings by King Boo! You-a couldn't escape!"
"So says you-a. And now we'll never know, will we?"
Luigi glares and goes over to a now very awkward feeling Nabbit.
"I'm-a going to pay you-a. Can you-a at least help me?"
"Uh...Yeah. As long as you really mean it, then we're good."
Luigi nods and offers his hand to Nabbit who nervously shakes it.
"*hushed* There's a village not too far from here. If you keep following the trail, you'll find it. I'll meet you in the back of the cantina."
Nabbit looks back at Mario.
"*hushed* Bring him once he agrees to pay. Otherwise, come alone."
They let their hands go and Nabbit takes off in a flash, leaving the brothers amongst themselves...Till Luigi begins walking away.
"Where do you-a think you're going?"
"I'm-a gonna save Peach."
"By yourself?"
"If I have to."
Mario scoffs but Luigi just keeps going, ignoring his brother's spitefulness. Mario remained where he stood. Luigi can't do jack without him. That wuss won't last in these difficult castles without him. Damn it...Why is he always covering for him? One of these days, Luigi needs to freaking grow up. Mario mentally kicks himself and slowly trudges after him. He's not in the mood to catch up just yet. Nah, he'll let the big baby take lead and see just how messed up being the "Hero" really is.
Luigi felt good. He had stood up to Mario, all be it not in a way he was hoping to ever do it for, but he had done so none the less. And it felt amazing! That Lynsie girl was right. Why did he ever think he couldn't be as good as Mario? If he wasn't around, then Mario would be lost. He'd have nowhere to live, no food on the table, none of it. His butt would still be stuck in a painting if it weren't for him and he has the nerve to dismiss it like it was nothing? Well, forget him. It's time to shine Green Thunder!
Just in case there is still some questions to my logic, I'll help clear up a few things. Using the Official Nintendo chart (google super mario bros size chart and it's the first image you see) we can see how tall a lot of them are, though I had to guess height for the Koopalings based on screen images of them next to each other, plus Mario and Luigi. Now the Nintendo-approved statue poster claims it to be "life-sized", thus putting Mario's height at 155 cm (5'1"). Using that information along with this universal size chart, it's possible to estimate the height of all of the mainstays of the franchise. From shortest to tallest: a Goomba is 72 cm (2'4"); a Boo is 79 cm (2'7"); Baby Mario is 89 cm (2'11"); Baby Luigi is 90 cm (2'11"); a Shy Guy is 100 cm (3'3"); Toad, Toadette, and Toadsworth are 103 cm (3'5"); Diddy and Dixie Kong (on their knuckles) are 113 cm (3'8"); a Koopa Troopa is 120 cm (3'11"); a Dry Bones is 124 cm (4'1"); Bowser Jr. is 131 cm (4'4"); a Hammer Bro. is 142 cm (4'8"); a Bullet Bill is 148 cm (4'10") long and 96 cm (3'2") in diameter; a Wiggler is 159 cm (5'3") tall (not including the flower) and who knows how long; Wario and Birdo are 170 cm (5'7") (Birdo is 196 cm [6'5"] if you include her bow); Luigi and Yoshi are 175 cm (5'9"); Lakitu (including cloud) is 179 cm (5'10"); Daisy is 180 cm (5'11"); Donkey Kong (on his knuckles) and Peach (!) are 186 cm (6'1"); Waluigi (with his knees bent a bit) is 216 cm (7'1"); Bowser is 262 cm (8'7"); and Petey Piranha is a whopping 389 cm (12'9"). Normal Piranha Plants seem to vary in height depending on how long their bodies are, but the diameter of their heads is about 111 cm (3'8"). Now for the even harder part, character ages. When it comes to Jr.'s age and that of the Koopalings, I used their first game appearance as their birth year and added till now, this is why Jr. is 15 as Super Mario Sunshine came out 15 years ago and it's his first game. I'll explain why his age and his appearance don't seem to match later on, but after words I hope it'll make sense to you like it does to me.
If there are any questions, feel free to ask.