Rated M

New Beginning: The Same Refrain

Chapter 2

Severus's apprenticeship had been over for six months before he even thought to take his exams. At his age, he knew no one considered him a serious scholar. A twenty- two-year-old Potions Master was not a thing to tolerate in this society based on social norms, at twenty- one they would have laughed.

The Ministry clerk that accepted his application had scoffed when he asked for the paper work. Raising her perfectly tweezed eyebrow, she had tapped the top of the form with a perfectly manicured nail and shown him the perfectly horrendous fee. Severus had pawned his mother's perfectly fine wedding ring to come up with money.

Severus let in the owl that he knew must be carrying his exam scores, now a full year since his apprenticeship ended. This was the only owl to make a delivery in the years since he had holed up in the forsaken place of Spinners End. The stench alone made it intolerable to be outside, forcing him to either stay inside or walk aimlessly though the friendless streets for Hogsmeade or Diagon Alley.

Severus had worked hard in the small-enclosed yard behind the house. Once used to hold refuge it now held pots of herbs and plants that all struggled toward the single shaft of light that shown down for two hours at noon. The surrounding track houses and walls, blocking out the rest of the sun in only defused and dirty light.

He sent the owl off and threw his scores unopened on the mantel. He did not rejoice his scores, or even care what they were. He did not feel this a victory to celebrate. He scowled and wondered why he tried, a Master in front of his name meant nothing, if the name meant the same.

He saw Lily behind his eyelids at night, and in the reflections of light during the day she would visit him. Her echoing laughter announcing her arrival as she spied around corners, and behind the furniture. Green eyes would peer in his kitchen window to hide too quickly for him to see. He would spin around searching the window frame only to find her gone. He could smell lavender at times, and think it was her, and a breeze from an open window became her hand and caressed his face.

Her son still lived and it ate at him like Narcissa's empty womb. The knowledge left a space in him that would not fill with time. The child should have been his, he should have laid with her and had her as a wife.

Lucius and Narcissa were the only reason he had that made him leave Spinners End. He even came to see them less and less, preferring the silence of his house and the quiet of his personal ghosts.

"Well my dear," he said, looking down at Narcissa , two months after repairing her broken cheek. "These are the last four weeks of potion."

"Then I can conceive?" She looked at the vial with a grimace.

"I do not know." He crossed his arms and looked at her sternly. "When these vials are gone you will then see a healer. Find out before you conceive if you should do this, and do not risk another disappointment."

"So tell me Severus," she said, as she patted the cushion next to her on the sofa. "What have you been up to?"

"Not much." He took up the seat across the coffee table from her. "I have my licence behind me now. I guess it is time to find work."

"Where will you start? The thought of working would scare me." She laughed at the look on his face. "Now Severus, you know how I am."

"The thought of doing anything new has always scared you my dear. I have thought of trying to open my own shop."

"I would hardly think that Spinners End would be affluent enough to properly support a business," Narcissa said with her typical snobbery.

"I have simple tastes Narcissa." He chided her and leaned back in a chair that cost more than the furniture in his entire house.

"Then don't work Severus. After all, if you are busy all day who will visit me?"

"You do have a husband. You can always talk to him."

"You have changed Severus." Narcissa looked hard at him. "These past months you have changed some how."

"Perhaps it is you that have changed, my dear," he said to her somewhat coldly.

"No, Severus. You are harder. I have not heard you laugh for months," she pouted at him and wrinkled her brow. "What has happened to you? Has a lover sent you packing?"

"Nothing as dramatic as that." He tried to smile but he could not with Lily's memories calling him home.

"I am afraid Narcissa that I find it time to leave." He started to rise. "I am meeting a friend tonight."

"Ah, I knew it! When do I meet her? Is she pretty? What of her family?"

"Not tonight my dear," he said as he turned to walk to the door. "Tell Lucius I was here."

"Saturday night, dinner," she called after him. "Do remember, and wear something new."

He did not answer her so she could assume he had not heard. Returning to Spinners End Severus reached for his whiskey before taking off his robes. Narcissa wanted to meet his lover. He could not breathe for the want of a lover. He grinned as he picked up the bottle thinking that all problems should be so easily solved.

He tipped the bottle to his mouth and took his first swallow without a glass. He always used a glass because his father had not and he would not be his father. He had lived too long with the drunken man, and seen too much to ever be like him.

He saw his father's shaking hand reaching for the bottle. It was his father's hand that tipped it up, and his father's throat that drained it down. He would not be his father he thought as his shaking hand poured a glass of amber fluid. His father drank only to get drunk. Severus held the liquid to the sun and watched the swirl of colour enjoying the rich colour and heady ambiance that it conjured up.

He was better than his father. He would not become that man, he would use a glass and enjoyed the flavour.

Severus took his glass and bottle to his old bedroom. Empty of furniture, he only had the closets and boxes to sort out before he could set up his lab. He sat on the floor and opened a box full of a boy's foolish dreams. Taking a swallow of his drink, he peered inside the box. He picked up the first scrape of paper and wondered where was the pride he had felt when he first wrote this essay. Flicking his wand, he reduced it to flame and watched the flame turn to ash. It was time to put away the foolish things.

By the time he reached the bottom of the box the pile of ash had grown. He opened an envelope, almost hidden, tucked under a flap on the bottom to the box. Pulling it out carefully, as carefully as he could with half a bottle of whiskey running in his veins, he opened it and found his letter to Hogwarts. He thought back to day he had received this letter. Stuffing the letter in his pocket, he reached for the next box.

The sky was almost pink when he at last stood up, crossed into the hallway and made it unsteadily to his bed. He lay on his back and stared at the ceiling, picking one hairline plaster crack and following it to its completion. Sitting up on the side of the bed after an hour, he knew that sleep had eluded him once again. He did not know if it was the sleep he sought, or the ability to stop thinking.

He showered, and dressed for another day. Opening up the fridge, he saw one hardening piece of bread in a twisted plastic bag, a jar of pickles and half a jug of milk. He turned on the stove and tossed the bread directly on the burner, reaching it with a fork he flipped it and declared it toast. Crushing the now crisp hard bread in a bowl, he covered it with milk and had a meal of it. He thought of milk toast, with warm milk and cinnamon, and suddenly felt ill.

Throwing the still full bowl into the sink, he thought of dinner at Malfoy's and looked up at the calendar that hung on the back of the door.

Shite, he thought, I guess it is pickles and milk tomorrow. Dinner was still two days off.

He was startled at the knock on his door, quickly going into the sitting room, pulling back the piece of lace that covered the glass of the door and looked at a young Muggle woman peering at him.

"Yes?" he said opening the door to peer down on her, thinking to scare her away.

"It is. It is Severus, Severus Snape." She beamed up at him. "I am Hannah, remember? From across the road? That one," she turned and pointed across the road and up four doors.

"No, I do not." He meant to say remember you.

"I am Jack's sister. Jack Haywood's little sister." She smiled as if that should do it. He did not see the disappointment on her face, or the frown she had quickly covered.

"Jack?" He said seeing a roller coaster's spine on the ground. "Yes, I think I do. I mean to say I remember your brother, Jack."

"Jack is up in Liverpool, he works the docks," she offered. "We lost Mum last year and this is the first chance I have had to clean out the old house. Don't know why I bother. No one wants to live down here no more. I will never be able to sell the place with no work anywhere close."

Severus only stood and looked at her. He had nothing to say, and had never talked just to talk. He was at a loss with this slip of a woman on his top step.

"I saw your lot cleaned up a bit and thought maybe someone was here. Then I saw an owl fly round back and I remember you used to train them didn't you? Sort of like some raise pigeons I imagine. So I figured it must be you." She said all in a rush then raised an eyebrow waiting for a response.

"When did you see the owl?" He stuck his head out of the door and peered around the corner.

"Just now, just before I came," she said following his eyes, as she looked for the bird as well. "I have some old bookcases headed for the bin. If you want them come over and collect them. I will be here for about two hours. I remember you always loved your books. I will put some tea on. I am afraid all Mum had is tins of soup but I don't want to waste them. How about tea and soup for lunch Severus?" She finally rolled her tongue up to the curb and stopped.

He stood straight and folded his arms. His mouth opened to say no, but his mind saw the pickles and the broken bowl in the sink.

"I think that may be enjoyable Hannah." He smirked thinking to eat today. "Let me check on my owl and I shall join you."

"Fine. Just knock and come in. I may not hear you if I am out back. Just give me a yell." She started down the steps and then stopped and waved. "You know, you are the only one still here from when we grew up. Every one else has moved on. "

"Yes," he said, "So it would seem."

Severus walked through the sitting room and kitchen and into the yard wondering if she talked so much all the time. The large white snowy owl pecked on his hand and looked around for a treat as he untied the missive from its leg.

"Get over it owl," he sneered at the creature, "if I had treats I would have eaten them for breakfast."

He shooed the bird off as he looked at the parchment and saw the Hogwarts seal. He sat down on one of the kitchen chairs heavily, resting his elbows on the table and cupping his hands together, he held his face as sudden guilt and anger washed over him in waves, leaving him flushed and nauseated.

He jumped up and ran to the sink to splash cold water on his face, grabbed a flannel and rubbed the droplets of water off then looked back to the kitchen table. Wanting to open the parchment, to know if it smelled of Hogwarts , to know if a piece of folded and slightly tattered parchment could keep the scent of the place it had been and not only smell of bird shite and feathers. He left to see Hannah deciding to open it later.