A/N: Seriously. I reread the previous chapters of my fanfics to get the feeeel of them, and, well, I noticed something which I totally have to point out to you guys-

What did you guys ever see in them? They seriously suck.

Big time.

I'm so totally gonna revamp them… when I have time. And delete some. Also, when I have time… They've got to go.

I mean it.

Gah.

And on with the story.

(One more thing. Kisafan was kind enough to point out to me that gizzards were parts of chickens –O.o- and, as such, would not have tongues. It was about then when I realise I'd messed up- I had totally read Gaara liking lizard tongue and gizzards, not gizzard tongues. I seriously ought to have done my research properly.

Whatev. I'll correct it… sometime.)

Sakura knocked.

"Naruto?" she called.

Through the door, she distinctly heard someone on the other side utter a few choice swearwords, hiss, "Oh no, she's here!", trip and fall over, and scuffle around hastily in an attempt to hide something that particular someone knew she would probably disapprove of.

She turned her eyes heavenward and prayed to any deity who might be listening that the particular something did not involve underwear of any sort.

"Uh… come on in, Sakura-chan!"

She turned the handle and entered. And, as a gag reflex, choked on the smell that came wafting past her sinuses, which basically consisteted of old ramen, sweat and the odour of clothes that had forgotten how the insides of a washing machine looked like- which, of course, pretty much told her all she needed to know- she was on Naruto's territory.

Out of the corner of her eye, she thought she saw him tuck something rather hastily away underneath the sofa.

Something that looked very familiar.

Oh no he didn't…

But the sight of the person standing next tosaid sofa drove away every single thought in her head. He probably stopped her thinking, period.

Oh. My. God.

"Heey, Sakura!" Naruto said in the rather loud tone he generally used when he wanted to wheedle his way into a free ramen dinner, out of a particularly difficult situation, when he wanted to hide something, or just plain wheedle. "Nice of you to drop by! It so happens I have a good friend of mine here-"

No. No. NOO.

"-who dropped by to see me just now-"

God. No. Of all creatures great and small-

"-he's rarely in Konoha, seeing how he spends all his time in Suna-"

No. Please. This can't be happening. God, please.

"But you guys have probably met a couple of times-"

I'm begging you. Seriously. In the name of the Father-

"What with the Chuunin exams and the Shittenshounin, and all-"

-the Son-

"-but I'm sure you've never been properly introduced. This, Sakura, is-"

-and the Holy Spirit.

"Sabaku no Gaara!" Naruto grinned.

Amen.

Sakura swallowed.

"He's a boy," he added helpfully.

Cool eyes observed her while she struggled uncomfortably. God, how should she act in such a situation? Fuck, she called him a perv! To his face! And it wasn't like he didn't deserve it, either…

Well. She could, a) Pretend it never happened, and prayed that he played along. b) Hate him because he was a perv, and tried to stare up her dress, and avoid him like the plague. c) Apologise for the previous incident, and hoped he didn't kill her.

Sakura gave all her options consideration. None of them appealed to her.

There was, however, always a d)…

"Oh, hi, Gaara-who-is-a-boy!" she said brightly. "It's really nice to meet you! I'm, umm, Ino, by the way," she said, leaning over and offering her hand. She thought for a while. "Yamanaka Ino. I'm a girl." She punctuate this with a very bright, cheerful smile.

He watched her, mildly nonplussed. "I know," he said. "We've met. But strangely enough, you were called Haruno Sakura then."

Damn…

"Huh?" Naruto's expression turned into one of confusion. "What are you getting at, Sakura?"

Sakura, who's smile was getting a tad bit desperate, went, "Oh, what he meant was, umm, what Naruto meant was, sometimes they call me Sakura. It's my nickname! And, err, no, we haven't met! Of course we don't know each other, haha." She paused slightly as to think, and the fake smile plastered on her face grew a little bigger. And a little more strained. "I think you must have meant, the, umm, other Haruno Sakura. She's a medic, too, like me-"

Naruto, who had been watching the exchange with growing confusion, interrupted. "What do you mean, the other Haruno Sakura? As far as I know, there's always been only one-"

Sakura elbowed him, hard, and shot him a death glare that said something along the lines of 'If you don't shut up right now, dumbass, you shall die. A horrible, long, drawn-out death.'

Naruto had not spent all those years with Sakura without learning anything. He shut up.

She grinned horribly at Gaara, who was watching with mild amusement. "What he means is, of course, we're identical twins! Me, and, err, the other Sakura. Umm. Yeah. Everyone gets us mixed up! But you shouldn't, because she happens to be my evil twin! No relation at all!"

"But if you were twins, why would you have different surnames?" Gaara looked politely blank, and, she noted rather desperately, amused.

She began to despair. And that was where complete and utter lunacy began.

She spun a tale worthy of Scheherezad herself, telling of a clandestine affair between her mother and her forbidden lover-

"- she loved him, and he really loved her back, yet they despaired, for they were never destined to be-"

-wherein she got pregnant with, umm, Yamanaka Ino and Haruno Sakura. And, err, her father found out, of course, and filed for divorce-

"- he was horrified beyond belief, his heart felt like it was being ripped apart in his chest-"

-but he wanted the children, and when the twins were born, each side agreed to take one, and, umm, raise it as their own. And, oh, her other twin grew up to be evil and mentally deranged person…

"…so you really shouldn't take her words by heart, because she honestly doesn't mean them. And they honestly aren't true. So…" she trailed off, and looked up at him. "You wouldn't kill her, would you? Because, you know, evil though she may be, she really doesn't mean it." Sakura thought for a while, and to make it sound more plausible, added, "Speaking on her behalf, strictly as her twin, of course. I mean, haha, I wouldn't want her killed of course!"

Her expression had begun the slide from desperate to hysterical.

Gaara gave her a long, searching look. "…Hn."

Sakura began to sound a little frantic. "You don't believe me? Why wouldn't you believe me? I mean, everything I've said is true. Right, Naruto?"

She elbowed him another time, and Naruto, who'd been goggling at her curiously, went, "-what? Oh. Yeah. Of course. What you said."

Gaara gave her look that- was it just her imagination?- was tinged, ever so slightly, with amusement. The corners of his lips tilted upwards in what she thought looked like a smirk.

"If you insist, Yamanaka-san."

Sakura felt her face going red.

Oh God! He doesn't believe me! And I can't believe I've just gone and made a complete and utter fool of myself just now!!

God. Someone kill me now.

In the span of the week, she was about to give up on the whole thing, and let nature take its course.

But of course, it was just human nature to struggle for survival. After all, who wants to die when you're just sixteen?

But surely survival shouldn't be so hard. She had, for that week, begged, cajoled, pleaded, threatened, bribed, forced and blackmailed people into calling her Ino. For, oh, just three weeks while he was here for some stupid Suna-Konoha Treaty of Friendship and Commerce Conference thingy.

Her friends' reactions, were, unsurprisingly, largely varied. And also wholy incredulous.

Take Naruto's reaction, for example.

"What was all of that about, Sakura-chan?"

"Nothing! I mean, when I say nothing, obviously there's something very important, but I really can't tell you about it. But would you please, please, please play along and call me Ino? Please? Just for three weeks?"

"Three weeks? That's kinda a long time… and it's kinda hard thing to remember…"

"Oh, God, dumbass. Would you just say yes already?"

"You know, calling me dumbass really isn't helping matters. Hey, if I do that, will you treat me to ramen every night for the, say, month? And, umm, will you be my girlfriend?"

"NARUTO!!"

"All right, all right! Just a suggestion. Say, how about one week?"

Or, of course, you could try Ino.

"You want me to what?!"

"Ino, I swear, it's only temporary. For three weeks. Please?"

"You want me to- to create another alias for three whole fucking weeks? And let you be me?"

"Well… yeah."

"No way. No fucking way."

"Aww, c'mon, Ino, he might kill me. He just might! Surely my life would mean more to you than your pride?"

"Serves you right for calling him a perv. Even I wouldn't have been stupid enough to insult a ninja who is not only higher than you in rank, but also capable of squishing you to a pulp, too."

"God, Ino…"

"All right, all right, I will! But mind you, it would be nice if I got that really pretty dress we saw when we went window-shopping last Saturday for Christmas…"

Or Kiba.

"Dude. Why the fuck would I bother?"

Seriously. If this kept up, she was going to be dead broke.

As in, dead broke.

Sabaku no Gaara would so totally see through her oh-so transparent disguise, and Sabakau Sousou her to her imminent- and very painful- death. He wasn't going to get fooled by some stupid crap story she made up due to temporary mental failure caused by inhaling the disgusting fumes of Naruto's apartment.

On the other hand…

Well, it had been almost a week now, and she'd managed to survive without too many people going up to her and saying, "Hey, Ino," right to his face- because, yes, dammit, that son-of-a-sex-god was definitely sticking around. He came over to Naruto's whenever he wasn't tied up in some stupid meeting, and guess who got stuck with babysitting the two? – in a really meaningful way.

Oh, god. She was so fucked.

As Shikamaru had been nice enough- and asshole-y enough- to point out, "Why are you going through all that trouble? It's only a matter of time before he finds out, anyway…"

Which she, of course, punctuated with a death glare.

Because he wouldn't find out.

Not if she was very, very careful…

She had fully intended on keeping away from the notorious two for the whole of the time when he would be around, but she was not given the chance. Not especially, of course, after the Incident, where Naruto had, in an effort to make Gaara more "manly", persuaded him to indulge in one of his favourite pastimes which just had to be picked up from hanging out with Jiraiya…

… which just happened to be spying on young women in the bathhouse.

Uhhuh, you read that right.

It was not until after young, semi-naked women burst out screaming from the Konoha bathhouse, leaving behind a drooling, horny Naruto and a somewhat nonplussed Gaara that Tsunade foresaw the potentially disastrous outcome of their getting together, and charged a horrified Sakura to keep an eye on them for the next few weeks.

"Y-you can't be serious, shishou!"

The Fifth Hokage watched grimly while scantily-clad girls in towels erupted screaming in all directions, while some attempted to mutilate a somewhat unfocused Naruto. "Yes, I'm afraid so." She turned to face Sakura. "Forgive me for throwing you into this, but-" She gave an exasperated sigh. "One can just imagine the antics those two will get up to, especially when Gaara sees Naruto as something like a role model…" She shot Sakura a crooked smile. "We won't want him to turn into a pervert, would we?"

Sakura muttered her agreement reluctantly. If you only knew.

Of course, this would mean that Sakura was forced- completely, totally against her will- to follow them about. She was also charged to check on them regularly- in case they were up to something that they were not, strictly speaking, supposed to be up to.

Such as reading dirty porn magazines with titles such as "Icha Icha Paradise".

Well, she'd sorta known it, when she saw Naruto slip it underneath the sofa. But the shock of seeing Gaara had completely driven it out of her mind- until now.

She'd come across the two of them in the park, Naruto sniggering while showing Gaara something. Instantly, all her lady sensors were abuzz.

This was not good.

"What," she said sharply, "are you two doing?"

Naruto jumped, turning, and said, "S-Sa- I mean, Ino! H-hey!" She caught sight of him trying to hide something behind his back. "How nice to meet you here!"

She frowned. "Not funny, Naruto. What are you up to?"

Naruto looked panicky, his eyes darting left and right. "N-nothing," he said in a shifty tone that practically shouted that he guilty as charged.

Sakura snorted. "Right. What's that behind your back?"

Naruto reddened visibly. "Oh, what, this? It's nothing, just some old thing tha-"

Before he could finished, she'd snatched it from him. She stared at the cover, her eyes growing large with horror and disbelief.

"Icha Icha…" she read to herself. Then she looked up at Naruto, her expression livid. "Naruto…"

He looked terrified. "It was nothing to do with me, I swear! I mean, well, Gaara can be kinda clueless about some stuff, y'know, so I thought that maybe I could help him and stuff like that…"

Gaara, who'd been watching the exchange with interest, turned his attention to Sakura. "It's true," he said.

"Uhh…" Sakura felt her knees going weak. Damn… "Well," she faltered, "fine. As long as you guys don't get into trouble, or anything."

Naruto brightened considerably. "No worries, Sa- I mean, Ino-chan! I'm a man of my word!" He grinned cheerfully. Then an idea struck him. "Hey," he said, inspired. "You couldn't… well, help me with something, could you?"

Sakura stared at him suspiciously. "What is it?"

"Well… what exactly are 'genitals'?"

Sakura gave him a long, careful look, while Naruto bounced eagerly.

"Why do you want to know?"

Naruto, also, had not spent all that time with Sakura without knowing, no matter how little, how to worm information out of her.

"For the love of knowledge, Sa- Ino-chan!"

"Well," said Sakura, relaxing a little, "I supposed in scientific terms they would be the pubic parts of the body, reproduction being their main purpose."

Gaara listen interestedly, while Naruto's eyes widened.

"You mean… like, balls?" he asked curiously. "And, umm, penises?"

Sakura gave a resigned sigh. "Yes, Naruto. Like balls and penises."

Gaara coughed politely.

"And, umm…"

"What, Naruto?"

"What would the term 'stimulate' mean?"

"Well, duh, it would mean to cause the occurrence of something, or to excite…" Sakura trailed off, eying Naruto suspiciously. "Why do you want to know?"

"Like I said, Ino-chan! For the love of knowledge!" Naruto grinned happily, and Sakura could not shake off the feeling that she'd done something terribly, terribly stupid…

Naruto then gave an ungainly snigger, flicked the book in his hands open, and read, his voice wobbly with laughter, "C-could you stimulate my genitals for me…"

Gaara's expression at that moment was that of careful curiousity, while Sakura's was growing more and more horrified.

"…stimulate…haha… my genitals…hahaha… for me…"

And Naruto burst out laughing.

Inwardly, Sakura groaned. It was going to be a long day…

Lightning Blade: Yep, you guessed right. Currently living in Brunei, though. Laksa rocks!

A/N: This actually happened to me- the boys in my class being somewhat English-impaired. I suspect that they've been watching Love Guru, or something. And then, when a couple of them asked me, I answered – for the love of knowledge, right?- and they made their other unsuspecting friend quote what they said to me. Was I ever so mortified.

I wondered if it was a bit too OOC of Sakura to go all blah on the evil twin front. But oh well.

Probable sequel. Reviews will be delightful.