Rated M

New Beginning: The Same Refrain

Chapter 4

Severus looked up at the castle and tried to see it again though the eyes of the child he had been when he first came here. Failing miserably he pulled his travelling cape tightly around himself and began trudging up the hill against the cold mountain wind and moist ocean air.

He tried to remember her liquid brown eyes and his name on her lips. He wanted to remember her and hold on to her world, and what was left of his, in this world that pushed him out and then allowed him to slip back in. Her eyes did not belong here. He had left her at Spinners End with his old life, with her belonging at the seaside park with her friends heading for the coaster.

He felt the same transformation he always felt as he transitioned from one world to the next. His change was utterly complete. Try as he might to hold on to her, his memories became muddled and dark as he approached the castle.

Lily was here, it was her eyes he saw and her smile that was on the back of his eyelids. She was more than what he had lost, more than a wife and the mother she had been. She was this world, she was his youth, she was the connecting thread between this and Spinners End, and she should have been his salvation by surviving this war, his only testament to kindness.

He walked into the gates and stood still looking up at the turrets watching as owls circled the peaks. He smirked knowing that First Years would be getting their letters soon. He reached in his pocket, comforted by the fact that he still had his letter, his invitation to join, his first ticket of passage given freely, and with no strings attached.

He walked up the path and to the main doors as the time slipped away leaving him once again a first year student feeling important and welcomed. He madly wanted to be that first year again and closing his eyes he pulled open the doors and let the smells and sounds of the echoing hallways greet him and for just a moment to allow him to be what he needed.

He hesitated, and almost turned back to return to Spinners End and to the life he was born into. He could forget all this, pretend it a dream, and not see the wreckage and the havoc he had helped create. He could close his mind, ignore the metal and splintered wood, and shut out the sound of the twisted screams that he heard as the monster had climbed higher.

Again, he closed his eyes to take a breath and calm his nerves and saw the Dard Mark float over the twisted body of a dragon.

Opening his eyes with a sudden gasp, he walked to the stairs between the gargoyles, which looked down at him. They lifted their heads, allowed him entry and carried him up silently, without metal gears and chains to warn him of how high he climbed. He entered the Headmaster's office to find him standing at the window, hands clasped behind his back, not looking at the boy now man who walked in, not wanting this confrontation anymore than he.

"Mr Snape," Albus said letting the name and title hang in the air.

"Headmaster," Snape returned with a nod knowing that he was not Severus here.

"To what do I owe the honour of your presence?" Headmaster Dumbledore asked sternly.

"I have questions," Snape sneered, at once unable to put forth the true reason.

"You think to find your answers here? Perhaps you are in the wrong place if it is answers to your actions that you seek."

Severus reached in his pocket, brought out his First Year letter, and threw it on the Headmaster's desk.

"I want to know why that was sent," he said to the Headmaster at a sudden loss of words.

"You know all magical children receive such a letter." The Headmaster frowned at him.

"No." Severus leaned over, smoothed out the letter, and pointed to the salutation. "Here, see what it says."

"I fail to see a problem." The Headmaster was looking at the same anger he had seen in the Seventh Year Mr. Snape and something else he had yet to identify.

"It is addressed to her, to Eileen Prince for her son." He looked up with the eyes of a child. "Why was it not sent to me?"

"Your mother was married in the Muggle World. Her new name was not recorded in this one, nor was her son's." The Headmaster looked at him evenly.

"How much was it? How much did it cost, to come here I mean." Severus ran his hand through his hair. "What did she have to give up for this?"

"Her life," was Dumbledore's simple answer. "You know your father never forgave her for this."

"Her life?" Severus echoed the words.

"Yes, she gave up her life for you." Dumbledore walked over to his desk and sat down. "Hers was not as quick a death as some who die for their child. Hers was a much slower death, and to some a much sadder one."

Lily's name hung in the air unspoken, thick and heavy as if her heart were still beating. Severus bit the inside of his cheek to still his rage or his tears, he could no longer tell the difference. He could not recognize what he felt. He knew he was spinning out of control. He heard the sound of gears cranking up a small cart and spun around to find where the sound came from.

"You knew, you knew what he would do yet you sent this anyway." Severus turned back to the desk and pointed at the old letter with his hand shaking.

"I am sure you did not make this long journey just to discuss an old letter and your mother's needless death." Dumbledore leaned back and looked at him coldly.

"You sent this." Severus shoved his shaking hands in his pockets and searched for the second letter. Not finding it, he appeared to panic.

"You are referring to the letter sent out upon completion of you requirements of Potion Master?" Dumbledore asked coldly.

"Yes, I thought I had it with me." He looked up and realized what he must look like the Headmaster.

"I wanted to know how it was paid for. I never questioned how it was paid."

"Perhaps when you see Tom again you can pose the same question to him. It is rather late to be inquiring about how that past debt was paid."

"Why would he do that?" Severus began pacing. "Why would he pay for my training?"

"He already held your life, was not your soul worth so much more?" Dumbledore watched him closely.

"I asked him for nothing," Severus spat.

"Did you not?" Dumbledore stood and glared at him. "Did you not ask him to spare a life?"

"I am not here to discuss that," Severus said angrily.

"Tell me then, answer but one question." Dumbledore stood in front of him to stop his pacing. "Why are you here?"

"I told you, the letters," he said.

"No Mr Snape, here, to this world." Dumbledore peered over his glasses. "You had a choice, the same choice all those raised in the other world have. Tell me why you are here."

"You sent a letter." Severus walked over, picked up his First Year letter, and thrust it to the old man.

"Did you once in your seven years here ask to go back?" Dumbledore demanded an answer. "In seven years did you once save your mother a beating and return to your father's world?"

"You sent the letter," Severus said, "I was a child."

"Was it a child that took the mark?" Dumbledore thundered. "Answer me boy, tell me why you or all the others like you stay?"

"Like me?" Severus glowered, "You mean half blood?"

"Why did you stay, why do you stay still?" Dumbledore stepped closer.

"This is my home, this is…" Severus looked at him.

"This is your home Mr Snape?" Dumbledore cocked his head. "How is this home?"

"My friends are here." Severus defended his choice of words.

"Narcissa Malfoy?" Dumbledore shook his head. "For one friend you stay? For one person you make your life here?"

"I have other friends," Severus raged at him. "My classmates, the other…"

"Enough!" Dumbledore silenced him. "They are dead, gone to your cause."

"It was not my cause." He raked his trembling hand through his unkempt hair. "They were my friends."

"They were never your friends." Dumbledore's voice had returned to normal. "They were only there to take advantage."

Severus started for the door as Dumbledore waved his arm and warded the door closed against Severus.

Severus turned toward him in a rage. His hand clenched wanting to reach for his wand.

"Answer my question," Dumbledore said slowly, in his now controlled rage. "Why are you here?"

"I am a wizard," Severus seethed. "I belong here."

"You are what you are here or there, but you chose to stay here." Dumbledore turned back to the desk.

"I belong here," Severus said wanting to believe it.

"You belonged at Spinners End, yet you came," the Headmaster replied

"Tell me old man, why don't you tell me." Severus had his hand on his wand ready to fight.

"Power." was all Albus said.

"I never asked for power," Severus laughed. "Not once did I ask for it."

"No, you took it. We offered you a home, and you sought out power instead." Dumbledore made a steeple with his fingers and put them under his chin.

"Magic is power Mr Snape. You will never go back to the other world as it would mean giving up that power, and that you are not willing to do," he said thoughtfully. "You sought out even more, in too much of a hurry to gain it honestly, you went to Tom for it."

"Lily wanted power, you knew her before you came here," Dumbledore dropped her name as if it meant nothing. "She found a home here, and gained her magic honestly, and used it wisely."

"You have no business bringing her into this," he stormed. "She would never want power."

"Of course she did Mr Snape," Dumbledore chuckled. "What did you think this was all about? Magic? Tricks for children?"

"No, I never thought it just for children," Severus sat down; he found his legs shook to hard to hold him.

"Dark Arts are the most powerful Mr Snape," Dumbledore said in a voice so quiet that Severus had to look up to his face in hopes of hearing him. "This was the type of power that you sought."

"You thought Tom would give you the knowledge to gain that power but he would not. He would not give you what you sought until he owned you." Dumbledore leaned back in his chair. "Tell me Mr Snape, how does it feel to be owned?"

"He does not own me!" Severus stood and glared at the old man. "He is dead, and just as well."

"We both know that is not true. Many died that night, more then you know, but we both know Tom did not." The Headmaster stood. It was his turn to pace.

"Tell me about Lily and James." He stood as he had stood before; hands clasped behind his back as he looked out the window, and saw the sweeping lawns.

"He said he would not harm her," Severus lowered his head at his own admission.

"The one that gave you no power, then promised not to harm your class mates?" Dumbledore turned back to look at the younger wizard with disgust.

"No, only her. He broke his promise." Severus was confused.

"Do you know she was killed saving her son?" Dumbledore said. "Did you not ask for his life?"

"No, he belonged to Potter," Severus spat the name. "I thought Potter would take him and leave."

"Yet, if you had saved the child, the mother would still be here." Headmaster Dumbledore turned back to the window.

"I was not there." He walked toward Dumbledore, and then stopped half way. "I was not there."

"To see her die?" The headmaster shot back. "You were not needed for her final demise, he found the information he needed else where. You only helped set the murder in motion."

Severus sucked in his breath not believing the Headmaster would say this, that he should be accused aloud.

"He did need me. He said I was important to him that is why he wanted me near," Severus shouted. "I didn't know what he planned. I didn't understand."

"Why did you ask me how your schooling was paid?" Dumbledore turned to face him. "Does your admission that he had need of you show your lie? You stand there and say you did not know how your bills were paid. When you left here until he supposedly died, how did you survive? Who paid your way?"

"Why did he not go after the other seventh month child?" Dumbledore spat out without waiting for Severus to respond. "Had it anything to do with you?"

"No, I don't understand what you are talking about." Severus ran his fingers through his hair again, glancing at the door, needing to shed this conversation.

"No? Did you not keep her name in front of him?" Dumbledore pushed. "But let us move on to other more personal things. Let us talk of the Prewett boys, Gideon and Fabian. Where were you when they happened to be out late one night?"

"Happened to be out, you make it sound like a late night stroll, visiting someone down the road." Severus shook his head while he talked. "No, it was not like that. They came looking for us."

"Do you remember why?" Dumbledore stood leaning on his desk with both arms, leaning toward Severus as in challenge. "Do you not remember who else was on the land? What else he planed to do?"

"Many were there, I don't remember them all." He looked up and swallowed hard.

"Yet you remember Sirius?" Dumbledore said quite a low. "When you saw him there, how did you feel?"

"I have no memory of it." He waved off his hand, and then suddenly saw the field. "Sirius was not there."

"You do have the memory of you and Lucius do you not?" Dumbledore leaned back in his chair again. "That first night you took your oath and a young girl from your very own Slytherin house?"

Severus felt the balloon in his chest all ready expanding, threaten to explode.

"How did it feel when you finally snapped her neck?" Dumbledore said.

"Let us recap our conversation so far." The older wizard said calmly as Severus's mind spun out of control. "You joined a cause that we do not even know if you believe in, for the power you could gain. In return, you gave him you soul. Your have raped and you have killed. One poor girl I have identified, although there is no proof. You have aided in the killing of the Prewett brothers and no doubt, others, although you will claim, it is in self-defence. You orchestrated the death of James Potter and his son in hopes of Lily returning to you. Have I missed anything?"

Hearing only silence he watched as Severus tried to pour himself a glass of water. He saw the young wizards hand shake so badly he could not and slammed the glass back on the table. Dumbledore reached into his desk drawer pulled out a bottle of fire whiskey and pushed it across the desk.

"Now it would seem you have brought your father to me." Dumbledore said as he un-warded the door. "If you want to leave, go. Go and be your father with his whiskey and whores, throwing his life away with hers"

"She is not a whore." Severus stood up confused as to who Albus was talking about, or to, and stared toward the door. "Her name in Hannah, she is from Spinners End and she is not a whore."

"Severus." The headmasters calling him by his given name was more chilling than that had gone before. "Why did you come?"

"Because," he said not turning around. "I feel I am dying, Headmaster. I thought death would be quicker than this."

"Do you want it to stop?" Dumbledore said softly. "Is that why you came?"

"No, I don't deserve that." Severus said for the first time honest. "I wanted someone to know, I wanted you to know I am dead."

Severus walked down the circular staircase slowly at first, and then broke into a run. He ran outside the main gates and spun around returning to this home at Spinners End.

"Albus?" Minerva stepped out of his inner office. "What are you going to do?"

"Minerva, I quite forgot you were still in there." Dumbledore chuckled at the pile of parchments she carried.

"You ca' not leave it like that," she said scowling at him. "That child is hurting."

"Minerva, he is no longer a child." Albus turned on her with a cold stern voice. "Look what he has become."

"I know Albus. I did see what he has become." She reached over and patted his arm. "It breaks my heart."

"I knew his mother. She was I believe a Third Year, when I started teaching here," Minerva said as she stepped to the window to watch Severus run across the grounds. "I see her in him at times. A sad little thing she was."

"You have always been partial to the boy," Albus sighed. "What of the man Minerva, the full grown and cruel Wizard he has become, are you partial to him as well?"

"Is that what you see Albus?" Minerva shook her head. "I have not seen a full grown Wizard in him as of yet, only the boy he has always been. Right now he is a sad and broken boy. We asked too much of them you know, us and Tom both. It is a wonder that more did not go with him."

"Ask Molly if he is worthy of your forgiveness," Albus threw this out as if in challenge. "Ask if she still misses her brothers."

"I will, and then you will talk to him again," Minerva said and frowned at him, and then turning started from the room.

"Suffer the childless mother and beware the motherless child." He muttered and shook his head.

"I heard that Albus." She called back over the shoulder. "I heard you old man. Now fix this."

I have been reworking this since the original posting. I hope some of the original errors are now corrected, and that it reads smoother.... drop a review and let me know.