Rated M

New Beginning: The Same Refrain

Chapter 14

The next morning Severus woke and readied for his first lesson. He dressed carefully knowing that the first day would set the tone for the rest of the year. He stood in front of the mirror and stared at his reflection. There was no way to hide the fact of his age. He closed his eyes and thought of Lily, and what could have been if he was a different person. Her face looked back at him and then dissolved into the brown-eyed girl he had left alone wearing an amulet of protection.

He turned and walked to his classroom wondering if he would ever have anything, or anyone he could call his own. He envied Lucius, who took every thing he had so casually, and was so willing to throw it all away.

As he entered the classroom from the hallway, slamming open the door and stalking down to his desk, in a flourish of robes, he sneered down at the students, all Sixth and Seventh Years. Waving at the black board, he flicked his wand as the days assignment appeared.

"I trust you know what to do." He crossed his arms and looked down his nose at them. "If you have questions on this simple potion I would suggest you remove yourself from this classroom."

One hand shot up from the back of the room.

"Yes," he drawled out slowly.

"Professor Snape?" The voice sounded unsure how to proceed. "May we leave when the potion is done or must we be here the full two hours?"

"Since the brewing time on this potion is one hour and 28 minutes I fail to see how you can complete it in less then two hours," he smirked. "Obviously you are incapable of reading simple directions or you would have already surmised that. 100 points from Gryffindor of blatant stupidity."

A collective gasp went up through the room. 100 points been taken for a classroom infraction? The normal amount of an infraction was 10 points, 20 for missed homework and the most at 50 points for talking back or being impolite to a teacher. At 100 points, Gryffindor fell to last place and compromised their bid for the year's cup.

"Your supplies have been set out, you may begin," he intoned in a bored voice. "I do not tolerate talk in my presence. Potions are a subject that demands concentration not conversation."

He walked up and down between the rows of cauldrons and worktables watching the students as they prepared their ingredients. He raised his wand and started at the first table with a loud "Enventerate" spell until each table was empty.

"Tomorrow you will bring your First Years Text," he sneered. "It is obvious that no one at this advance potions level knows the difference between the different chopping and cutting methods. You will learn them correctly."

"Sir," a voice came out of the middle of the room. "If we go back that far, we will not be ready for our N.E.W.T exams."

"Another 100 points from Gryffindor for questioning me," he snarled. "You may spend the rest of the time reading page 103 through 134. Begin."

Severus walked between the tables and peered over the shoulders of the students. He could feel their eyes on his back and thought he could hear a snickering as he passed the areas the Slytherins sat in. He returned to his desk and watched them, scowling. He thought of Albus's forced sentence to make him teach this class. He felt his control over his life slipping away and wanted to run from the room. He thought of Hannah and sat still determined to save her, to save at least this one.

At last, the two hours were up and the released the class, hurrying back to his rooms he reached for the whiskey and uncapping it poured some down his throat. He closed his eyes as the burn soothed his stomach and eased his mind.

"I do not think that drinking between classes a good idea." Albus' voice came to him.

Turning around he found the Headmaster sitting in an armchair in front of his fireplace.

"I thought these were my private chambers," Severus snarled.

"When I can trust you more perhaps they will be." Albus said flatly. "How was your first lesson?"

"They remembered me." Severus sat down watching the older wizard. "I don't know if they purposely prepared their ingredients wrong to test me or if they are truly as stupid as they appeared."

"I would suspect the first assessment to be true" Albus nodded his agreement. "They did pass their O.W.L. exam to gain entrance into your advanced lessons. You will need to be firm with them."

"You are talking to a Death Eater," he smirked. "Do you not think I am firm?"

"There is a difference between cruel and firm," Albus said softly. "You need to find a balance between the two."

"Is this what you came to talk to me about?" Severus raised an eyebrow at him. "I would just as soon not do this, so if you want to remove me from the classrooms do not hesitate."

"I have come to talk to you about your meeting with Lucius last night." Albus said peering over his spectacles. "That is where you went is it not?"

"I went to visit Narcissa, he happened to come home while I was there."

Albus and Severus discussed the information he had gathered until lunchtime was upon them. Looking up at the clock Albus stood and looked down at Severus with a frown.

"Next time you visit the Malfoys you will tell me you are going." Albus held up his hand seeing Severus ready to protest. "You will also come and see me immediately upon your return."

"Yes Headmaster." Severus said. "I see I am to check in as a schoolboy."

Albus glared at him, turned in a swirl of satin, and left by the door. Severus lifted his glass in a mock salute and then headed down to the Great Hall for Lunch. He thought that pickles and hard bread might be a better fare today.

He finished his lessons and returned to his rooms with an arm full of parchments to grade, he knew the next day would be worse. He has assigned the First and Third Years essays, which he threw down on his dresser and lay down on the bed. He knew he could sleep now, he was tired and his eyes burned. The dreams would wake him, and then he could pass the night grading the papers. Now, he needed to sleep.

His dreams did not come for five full hours, and then they propelled him out of his bed and forced him to light every candle in his quarters. These were the dreams he dreaded the most. Dreams of the mark floating the sky overhead and the screams of Muggles as their blood ran from their bodies, or from between her legs. He called Millie to bring him some tea, looking at the whiskey bottle but refusing to pick it up. She brought a tray laden with sandwiches, tea, biscuits and cakes.

"Millie, I asked for tea," he said shaking his head at the amount of food before him.

"Sir Master," she bowed shyly, "yours always eat at night."

Severus looked at the elf and then reached to the tray and took up a sandwich. He was hungry, and breakfast still several hours off. He grabbed a cup of tea, put a second sandwich on a plate along with a cake and walked over to his desk to begin the grading. He found the task soothing, something he could loose himself in and not watch the passing of time.

He graded all the papers and looked at the clock, only an hour more to breakfast. He grabbed his cloak needing to be outside before the day began. He would not go out while the students were out; this would be his last chance until tomorrow.

The week passed quickly. He was surprised to find the weekend upon him and found himself at a loss as to what to do. He spent Saturday afternoon in the Alley, scouring bookshops, new and resale, to rebuild his library and to find new tomes he had not read. At the end of the day, he had filled two whole shelves of his bookcase and happily sat by the fire to read.

Only twice had he thought of Hannah today, once in the Alley as he walked the pavement seeing the other shoppers walking in pairs, and once as he sat in front of the bookcase remembering the one he had gone to see in her room at Spinners End. Each time he had simply pushed her memory away and went on with what he was doing, rather then dwelling on what he had lost. By the time the Holidays came he assigned so many essays he could keep her out of his mind all night, until he feel asleep then she would come to him in dreams and gently shake him, and turn to Lily and scowl. He would wake up and start grading again until they were both gone from his mind.

When the weather turned to spring again he was so ingrained in his blocking of memories that he no longer sought his morning walks. He graded papers up to breakfast time, and if he finished early, he would merely turn the stack back over and check them again.

His lessons found their own rhythm and meter, the students learning his moods by the sound of his footsteps as he entered the room. His voice turned caustic and as cold as the winter, not warming as the outside snow melted. By the end of term the Sixth and Seventh years no longer saw him as a four year older student. He had become the feared and hated Potions Professor. He smirked at the knowledge that he had reclaimed a place and damned Albus for making it possible.

He watched at the train station as the students climbed aboard the Hogwarts Express seeing the Seventh Year girls in their tight Muggle jeans and skimpy shirts. He was four years older, four years and a lifetime away from their smiles and gentle hands. He had never noticed how they moved, how their hips swayed, how he missed touching the soft skin he knew was there. They looked at him in disgust, the ugly, cruel Professor of Potions.

He turned and walked back up to Hogwarts, to his Dungeons and books. He had the summer to himself, no students underfoot. Albus had given his from Friday after dinner until Sunday night to leave the castle, as if he was a trusted teenager. Narcissa had not sent and owl, nor had Lucius called him to 'work'. He began taking his meals alone in his chambers, sleeping by day and prowling the halls at night.

Lily only visited on occasion now, he could time her visits to the number of fire whiskeys he had. He no longer felt her hand, nor heard her scream as a baby was ripped from her arms. It was the brown eyes that he would still see in that time between wake and sleep, that moment before the mind stops and surrenders it self up to a kind of death. He heard the gasp, and saw her face at the time he told her he wanted to remember.

His other dreams, the ones with Muggle blood and dark meetings in open fields filled his nights, caused his night sweats, and twisted sheets. He saw the bodies and the Lords smiling face and Albus standing on a hill shaking his head and pointing at him.

While the students were in the castle, it was easy to play his role, to step onto the stage in his classroom and act out his part. In the summer, he found it was harder to hide from himself, and as the staff left for their homes, and the summer staff dwindled to just three he felt exposed and restless.

He no longer felt free to visit Narcissa and Lucius, knowing every word spoken would be reported to Albus. He still sent Narcissa calming draughts and dreamless sleep to ease the nights Lucius was gone. He brewed his own as well.

He thought then, one night as he sat in front of this fireplace that just to see her would be enough. Just to know that she was well, and to know if she still wore her hair pulled back at the temples, and if she still worried her bottom lip. He looked at the clock and hurried to dress in this Muggle clothes.

Severus hesitated to enter the pub where she worked. He wanted only to see her. Slipping in to the shadows across the road, where he could see both the front door and the alleyway from the side entrance he stood and waited. It was almost closing time, and even if she had to help clean up after the customers were gone, he knew she would not be long.

He watched as the patrons left, some walking arm in arm, other exiting with boisterous laugher and jokes. He saw the lights begin to extinguish and readied for her to walk out. He stilled his nerves and convinced himself he was being foolish to stand here like a love sick Fifth Year, he pulled away from the wall and stepped into the light as the door opened and he saw her walk out.

She still wore her hair pulled up at the temples, and the same hair combs she had worn at the Inn. She turned back to the door as a tall man stepped out and put his arm around her waist. He reached down and kissed her cheek then took her by the hand and walked with him toward the road.

Severus clenched his fists and watched as they approached him, not knowing he was there. He could not take his eyes off their joined hands, and could not stop their laughter from coming to his ears. He stepped farther out of the shadows and stood in front of them, seeing her face as recognition came, then turning he walked away. Turning a corner quickly he apparated out of her sight and back to Hogwarts, ignoring her as she called his name.

He was empty, and cold. He walked steadily back up to the castle and into the Dungeons. He closed his mind, and built walls in his mind, and reaching his quarters took down his bottle, and a crystal glass. His father would not come here tonight; he would use fine crystal and admire the aroma of the drink.

He drank until Lily called his name and stroked his hair, and welcomed him home, and then he slept.