Rated M
New Beginning: The Same Refrain
Chapter 18
Hannah was sitting up on one of the windowsill when he walked into the infirmary. Her back and head rested on the cold stone, her eyes turned outward towards the grounds. He could see the reflection of her face in the glass. She did not turn when he walked in, did not acknowledge his footsteps as he approached her, and did not respond to his touch as he rested his hand on her shoulder.
"Hannah," he started, "please, look at me."
"It is beautiful here," she said, not turning. "It's no wonder you don't want to leave."
"There is more to it than that." He sighed, removing his hand from her shoulder. "Yes, it is beautiful, and a long way from Spinners End."
"Is that why you want to be here?"
"I think at the beginning it was." He looked out on the grounds with her. "And then it became more."
"I couldn't tell you. About the baby, I couldn't tell you and you never came."
"Was it mine?" he asked, closing his eyes against what he did not want to hear.
"I was almost five months along." She wiped tears from her eyes, not answering his question. "Jack was driving. I guess it was my fault. I shouldn't have gotten in the car with him. He found a woman to help me, but it was too early, he never took a breath."
"You didn't go to a doctor?" Severus questioned imagining what she had gone through to give birth to a dead five-month foetus.
"No." She leaned her face against the cool glass of the window. "Jack said not to, he said that they would know he had been the one driving and he would be in trouble so he just never reported it."
"It was a boy than." He spoke without meaning to.
"Yes, a boy, I just found out that morning. It was a boy."
"If I had known I would have….."
"Stop," Hannah cut him off. "No more lies Severus, no more promises. I had it all planned out, how I would take care of him, and what I would do, I didn't need you then and I don't need you now."
He reached around her and slipped his hand over her stomach. "If I had known, if it was mine, I never would have walked away."
"I wouldn't want you to stay just because of the baby. If I learned anything from Spinner's End it was that."
"Hannah." He grabbed her shoulders and turned her to him.
"Was it yours? Is that all you need to know?" She turned up her face to look at him. "No, Severus. He was mine, only mine."
"Who was the father?" he hissed, feeling his anger building.
"He had no father." She pushed him away as she stood up. "A father loves his son, and the mother that bares him."
"Hannah." He pulled her to him, "I need to know. The truth, was he mine?"
Her hand connected with his face before he had the chance to pull away. He released her as if the sting of her hand was a fisted blow.
"I am sorry, Miss Haywood." He nodded at her and stepped back. "I was not aware that I was your only bed partner. I seem to remember a rather common boyfriend of yours that you enjoyed enough to forgive the beatings he gave you."
"Of course he was yours, you bastard," she growled at him. "He may of hit me, but at least he always came back which is more then you did."
"Is that what you want?" He glared at her, and then grabbed her upper arms. "Do you want someone who treats you like that?"
"I don't want to do this Severus, please." She pulled away and turned back to the window. "I don't want to do this."
He stepped behind her, wrapped his arms around her, and lowered his head to her hair.
He closed his eyes and breathed evenly so as not to let his voice crack "When I saw you, that night, you were with Jack. I didn't recognize him, I thought he was you lover."
"I have waited for you." She laid her head back against him. "It feels like an entire life time I have waited for you. That's long enough. I can't do this any more."
"Stay," he said aloud, only having dreamed it before. "I want you to stay. I have chambers in the dungeons, or I can find a place in town."
"Well," Albus said, seeing the couple by the window. "I see you are finally talking."
"Trying to," Severus sneered releasing her as he faced the Headmaster.
"Headmaster." Hannah had the grace to blush. "I did not hear you come in."
"Did I hear correctly that you plan on staying with us?"
"I, I don't know." She looked at Severus then saw the scowl that had covered the Headmasters face. "No, I have to get back. I have a job, and rent to pay."
"I can arrange to have someone take you this evening." Albus peered over his glasses at her, "Unless the Professor has the time."
"That would be fine Headmaster. It does not matter who it is."
"Then I shall leave you two." Albus looked at Severus and then clasping his hands behind his back he left.
"I take it that was my answer," Severus said stiffly.
"I imagine it is."
"If I remember correctly, you had nothing when you came. I assume then you are ready at leave now?"
"Yes," she said turning away.
"We must walk to the main gates," he turned and walked to the door, and opening it, he stepped back to wait for her.
They walked in silence until he reached out to pull her close to apparate her home. Then holding her, she looked up.
"I am sorry I am not what you want," she said as they spun away.
As they landed on the hill overlooking her village, he leaned down and captured her mouth in his, and tasted her once more, then pushed her away when he felt her struggle against him and watched as she started to walk into town.
"Hannah." He called her name quietly, hoping she would stop and turn back, and when she did his heart almost stopped.
"I will try Hannah, I will try to come back. Give me this, just this one last time."
"I'll not wait for you," she said evenly. "If you come you come. Don't expect me to wait anymore."
"Hannah," he said her name as she turned and walked away and he knew this time she would not turn back to him.
He returned to Hogwarts and walked down to his rooms seeing Albus ahead of him he slowed, not wanting to talk to the old wizard, but knowing there was no way to avoid him.
"Headmaster," he said in greeting.
"Professor, I came for a visit and imagine my surprise to find you gone."
"You didn't want her to stay," he said in measured tones. "She is gone, so you may be pleased."
"This is not her world. She seemed not to belong."
Severus walked past Albus without commenting on his statement. He was angry, and could not form the words he wanted to say. He could not draw his wand and throw curses, he was under an oath, and he thought it wise of Albus to make the oath as he had.
That night Lily came back without the whiskey to keep him company. She looked sadly at him, and kissed the head of a dark haired child and then stepped in to the queue for a ride. The attendant shook his head and held out his arms, taking the child and pointing to the restriction posted that said "No Earth Bounds" could ride, then picking up a red soaked bundle handed that to her instead. Narcissa and Hannah stood smiling and waved good bye while Lucius laughed and cranked the gears to lift them higher on spines of wood.
Severus jerked up from his sleep sweating and fighting for breath. He dressed quickly in his Muggle shirt and trousers, grabbing his wand and sliding it up his sleeve he ran down the hallway desperate to reach the apparation point before he fully woke. He needed to keep something with him, and if fear was all that he had, he would keep it safe.
He was almost to the Great Hall, only steps from the outside when Albus stepped in front of him, halting his escape.
"Professor, I am surprised to see you thinking to leave in this state."
Severus looked down at his attire and then ran a hand over his face to make sure hours of sleep had passed and not days.
"I have need to leave." He responded when he as satisfied this was the same day.
"I am afraid I must forbid your request this evening." Albus said sternly. "You are not to go to her like this."
"Like what?" he demanded sneering. "I am dressed this way to blend in."
"It is not the attire I am talking of, rather the state of your mind."
"I am fine," Severus said, looking around on the floor. "I must know."
"Know?" Albus repeated in question.
"Did the child have a soul?" Again, the question of a Seventh Year boy's confusion was heard.
"Severus," Albus walked forward to the youth calling him by his name. "She had an accident. The fault was not in you."
"Narcissa still tries," he said wanting an explanation.
"Narcissa is barren now, more a chance of nature."
"She had Draco," he muttered still looking around.
"Severus," Albus shook his head and walked up to the boy in front of him. "There are things we can control, and things we cannot. I would suggest that until you know the difference you stay away from your Muggle, you do not want to harm her more."
"More? I will not hurt her," he said honestly, looking into the older wizards eyes.
"It is not always by our actions that we hurt others. It is by what we do not do. Now, return to your chambers, if you still have a need, see her in the morning, but not like this."
Severus returned to his chambers and picked up the bottle of whiskey. He looked at it oddly and set it back down, and then walking to his floo, he knelt down and called Narcissa.
"Severus!" she almost squealed in her delight. "Lucius and I are sitting here bored out of our minds, do come through, we could use some entertainment."
Severus grinned at her girlish antics and stepped though to the Malfoy Manor. Albus had refused him to go to the Muggle world; he would go to the Malfoys. Arriving in the sitting room, he looked around to see Lucius grinning at him.
"You will be sorry," he said tossing his hair back over his shoulder. "Narcissa has guests."
Severus turned and raised an eyebrow at Narcissa.
"Now Severus," she pouted. "Don't be angry with me. I just wanted you to meet someone nice. She is upstairs changing. Do give her a chance."
"And?" Severus scowled at her.
"Oh, all right," Narcissa huffed. "Her name is Olivia Huskster. She is 19 years old and from a very old family."
"Narcissa," Severus said folding his arms and sneering down at her. "She was a student of mine last term. I can consider her in no other capacity."
"I told her it was you she was meeting," Narcissa said. "She had no objections."
"Who is her father?" Severus looked pointedly at Narcissa. "Was he not one of those we lost in the last battle? Are you sure this is not her family's way of keeping in close to the Dark Lord? Do you think I am so foolish as to think that the name Huskster would not endanger the position I am establishing at Hogwarts?"
"Oh Severus," she said, looking to her husband. "Lucius, talk to him."
"I have tried my dear," Lucius smirked. "He is quite right you know. If Dumbledore heard he was sleeping with a Huskster I am afraid our plans would be lost."
"So," Narcissa said crossing her arms. "Am I right in assuming that we have to find a witch with no allegiances to either side?"
Severus crossed over to the liquor cabinet and poured himself a drink wanting this conversation done.
"Yes, Cissy," Lucius said, watching Severus. "That leaves out just about the entire Wizarding World. Perhaps that is why our friend prefers his Muggle whores."
"Lucius!" Narcissa rose to her feet. "How can you say such a thing about my Severus? I am sure he only uses the Muggles for entertainment, he could never prefer her over a true witch."
"Her?" Severus repeated as he slowly poured himself a second drink, keeping his face and voice schooled and even.
"Yes, her." Narcissa said becoming angry. "Don't think we don't know who she is. I was concerned for you, I asked Lucius to look into it."
"Did you now?" he said tipping up the glass and draining it down carefully, wanting to smash it into the wall.
"Did you know she was living with a man before you started up with her?" Narcissa lifted her chin. "Did you know she carried his child and then bled it out with out so much a getting a healer to try to save it?"
"Do tell," Severus said in a bored tone, as ice settled on his back. He turned around slowly to look at Narcissa.
"Do you know what type of family she comes from? Really Severus, you can tell a lot from family," she said, not slowing down. "Her father was a drunk, he beat her and her mother, and they say he even tried to rape her before he was thrown in prison. Her brother is no better. What kind of family is that?"
"Why Narcissa," Severus purred, "you have just described my family as well. Perhaps you forget where I come from."
"No Severus," Narcissa came to him and laid her hand on his arm. "When you first came to Hogwarts and I was told to watch over you, the Lord knew you could be great. The Prince blood flows in your veins. Lucius and I were told to save you from the Muggles."
Severus' mind reeled. He fought not to turn and look at Lucius. He fought not to push away the witch that stood in front of him.
"Well my dear Cissy," he said controlled and even, "since I am not interested in your friend, I shall leave until you have another in the offering."
"What of that filthy Muggle?" She crossed her arms and looked up to him.
"I have no designs on a Muggle other than a quick shag," he smirked and placed two fingers under her chin, turning her face for the obligatory kiss on the cheek. "I do however have to return to Hogwarts. I am sorry I cannot stay longer."
He crossed over to the floo and reached up to grab the power when Lucius's voice spoke to his back.
"I am glad to see you back in the fold my friend," Lucius said coldly.
"As always Lucius," he turned and threw down the powder and as the flash of green took him away, he grinned.