CHAPTER 5

A/N:
Someone asked me (in the previous story, though) if I have a beta reader: no, I don't have one; I proofread my own stuff, especially because I am always changing stuff and re-editing what I have written. Since I proofread rather quickly, I don't catch all the errors and usually have to take a small break (which I do after posting the chapter) and then get back to it in order to correct the mistakes or modify stylistic elements (so I replace the chapter document).

Finally, I have introduced separators (---) in order to separate abrupt changes of settings. I have seen this in other stories and some of you told me that it is confusing when the paragraphs switch settings/scenes without warning.

---

"If your mind is overflowing with things which are weighing you down, then maybe you should write all of it down in a diary," Hermione suggested.

"Hermione, the last time I fiddled around with a diary was a rather disagreeable experience," Harry reminded her, referring to Tom Riddle's diary in his second year at Hogwarts.

"To say nothing of Trelawney's dream diaries," Ron added with a snicker.

"Harry, I think it would really help. This would be your diary, after all," Hermione pointed out logically, "set five or ten minutes aside to filter your mind, sort of. If you go for Occlumency lessons boiling over with emotions, then you're never…I mean, then it will be far more difficult for you to master Occlumency."

"Diary…that sounds so…kitschy, like in novels or something," Ron observed.

"I wouldn't expect someone as thoughtless and tactless as you to understand," Hermione silenced him frigidly, "both Muggles and magical people have got their own famous diarists."

Ron reddened and studied his feet.

"I'm not much of a, you know, writer," Harry said.

"Are you trying to be silly?" Hermione asked exasperatedly. "No one has to be an author or writer to use a diary. You're simply searching for lame excuses to avoid writing a diary. It's just a suggestion, Harry. No one is forcing you. It's just…it would be more efficient than meditation – you'd need a quiet place and a teacher to learn how to meditate, and that's rather difficult at the moment. Just try and empty your mind when you're in bed. That's the best thing."

"Wonder if Snape meditates. I doubt very much. Can't imagine that git meditating," Ron speculated.

"There is not much you can imagine," Hermione said scathingly.

"Do you always have to nag at people just because you know everything better?" Ron sniped.

Harry sighed and rose as his friends began to bicker, heading towards his dormitory. He did not bother with trying to empty his mind; instead, he wondered about his duelling lesson on coming Friday. And there was still the usual Potions class before that.

---

Potions was bad, with Severus prowling around Harry's cauldron and successfully distracting him, resulting in a substance smelling strongly of tar and then of old socks. Severus deducted fifteen points for the stench and for Harry's "idiocy", as he put it, and Harry was left without a potion to hand in when the lesson had finished, earning himself zero marks. Hermione said to him afterwards:

"That's what I mean, Harry! You've got to filter your feelings somehow! You need it because you're taking Occlumency lessons and because you've gone through much more than others have-"

"Oh, stop telling me what I need and don't need!" Harry snapped angrily, "I am expected to make all the effort while that stupid git doesn't have to work his ass off trying to be at least remotely civil!" He walked away from Ron and her quickly.

"Give him a break, 'Mione, otherwise he'll flip out like in our fifth year."

"I'm sure it's still the after-effects of the Sleeping Potion addiction. Two weeks were enough to get rid of the physical symptoms, but it's going to take a lot longer than that where psychology is concerned. He was ingesting the stuff for two months, after all!" Hermione said.

"I know what you mean, and I'm keeping an eye on him in case he tries to get his hands on that Sleeping Potion again…"

"It was really rather sly of him to buy a whole stock of the stuff in Hogsmeade without us knowing…"

"He was desperate," Ron said.

"Well, I'm getting desperate, too! I hate seeing him like this. He's just got to handle his emotions somehow! What did you feel like when Harry chose a Potion over telling his friends about his nightmares, Ron?"

"He didn't want to bother us, Hermione. You know what he's like. We've often had to pull things out of him."

"If anything's ever bothering you, Ron, then you mustn't hide it from me," Hermione said earnestly, looking into Ron's blue eyes. Ron's ears became a bit red as he nodded and patted her on the arm a little awkwardly. Hermione's face cleared and she smiled at him.

Ron cleared his throat.

"Want to have a coffee with me the next time we're in Hogsmeade?"

"You mean, with Harry? He'll be coming with us."

"No. Just the two of us," Ron said, becoming interestingly crimson.

Hermione beamed.

"Certainly. Harry won't mind."

"I don't think he'll mind at all," Ron agreed.

---

"I was wondering when you'd ask her," Harry smiled when Ron told him the news in their dormitory, "of course I don't mind."

He gave Ron a brotherly hug. Ron returned the hug, and his eyes darted over to Harry's drawer. Harry caught the glance.

"It's okay, Ron. It's just…these nightmares…they're back again without the potion…"

"'Mione's right, Harry. You've got to pull the brake whenever your emotions threaten to overflow. I suppose Snape wants you to do your own bit outside the lessons as well."

Harry pulled up his knees and embraced them.

"Yeah. Guess so. I'll get a diary the next time I'm in Hogsmeade. I know what the first entry will be. Ron finally asked Hermione out…"

"Ah, shut up," Ron laughed.

---

Harry was greeted by a sneer of disdain as he stepped into Severus's office for his duelling lesson.

"Stop gawping at me like a fish," Severus barked as Harry replayed the conversations with his friends in his mind, trying to remember something encouraging.

"Sorry, sir. I was just thinking."

"Ah. Thinking. I was not aware of the fact that you could think, Potter." The Head of Slytherin cast a protective spell on their surrounding, probably to avoid any damage during their imminent duel.

"Cogito, ergo sum," Harry said, remembering Hermione quoting Descartes not so long ago.

"I see that Miss Granger has been coaching you," Severus observed acidly, "there will be no need of sitting down for this lesson, Potter. Draw out your wand. Let's see what you are capable – or incapable – of doing. This time, it is one to one, not two or more to one. Your father believed in the latter strategy, didn't he?" He smirked.

Harry drew out his wand, swallowing down his anger.

"Now, as you probably know, you have to bow to the other person. This is most unfortunate in our case, especially for me, Potter, but we have to follow duelling etiquette."

When do you ever follow any etiquette? Harry thought contemptuously. He bowed stiffly.

"No. You do not bow like a scarecrow on a pole, Potter," Severus drawled. He himself bowed, his body flexing gracefully.

"Repeat the bow."

Harry repeated it reluctantly. Severus's lip curled.

"It will have to do for now," he commented disapprovingly. "We will begin with verbal spells."

He turned his back on Harry and walked a few paces before suddenly rounding on his opponent, uttering:

"Expelliarmus!"

"Protego!" Harry bellowed, and his Shield Charm absorbed the spell just before it could reach him. He thought of Dumbledore's Army with relief and also thanked the fact that the real Alastor Moody had accepted to take the DADA post during his sixth year while Kingsley Shacklebolt was in charge of the class this year.

Severus retaliated without delay by aiming another spell at him, which Harry avoided by ducking.

"Where is your attacking spirit, Potter? Defense and avoidance are insufficient protection," Severus said.

Harry did not respond, watching Severus carefully out of narrowed green eyes, on the qui vive for another unexpected attack.

"Worried about your famous little backside, Potter? Afraid of being late for your next interview?" Severus mocked him.

"Stop insulting me!" Harry shouted.

"Lower your voice, Potter. Do you expect a flow of polite small talk during a duel?"

He moved forwards and placed the tip of his wand underneath Harry's chin.

"Have you mistaken your wand for a quill so you can sign autographs?" Severus asked in a silky whisper.

"Stop it!" Harry said, thrusting Severus's wand aside, "stop being such an…"

"Such an…?"

Harry was silent.

"I am waiting, Potter. Such an…? Come now, I am sure I can help you narrow down your range of insults, since, to judge from the use of your indefinite article, the insult starts with a vowel."

"Look, can we just continue-" Harry broke off and gasped as he suddenly found himself hoisted upside down in the air.

"Now, my dear Potter, what does it feel like to be at the receiving end of such a pleasant spell?" Severus hissed. There was a thud, and Harry fell onto the stone floor. Harry scrambled to his feet.

"I didn't use that curse! It was my father, not me!" he yelled.

"He stole it from me, Potter. It was my spell. I invented it. Your father…" he approached Harry, "was nothing more than a…thief."

Harry tried to use a non-verbal curse on Severus, but the Slytherin laughed and used a Shield Charm.

"Oh, how easily you are provoked, Potter! You will never win a duel like this! If it hadn't been for your wand and the Dark Lord's wand sharing the same core, then you would never have escaped from that battle alive!"

The mocking laughter stabbed at Harry, and he turned towards the door to leave the office. The door clicked as Severus locked it with a spell.

"Your lesson is not yet over, Potter."

He caught Harry with a perfectly aimed Jelly-Legs Jinx.

"One good hex will finish you off. Interesting," Severus said lazily.

"Please stop it, sir," Harry said, leaning against the wall as his legs went out of control.

"Asking or begging your opponent to stop the duel will definitely not work," Severus remarked coldly.

"You are not teaching me, you're just trying to humiliate me because you've transferred all your hate from my father to me, because you're so stuck in the past that-"

"Silencio."

Harry was silenced in mid-sentence. Severus strolled towards him, sneering.

"One of the golden rules of defensive spellwork is: control your emotions. You cannot do it when it comes to Occlumency. Obviously, you are a failure when it comes to duelling as well. Now why don't you, ah, potter off to your dormitory? Finite Incantatem. Remove your intolerable presence from my sight."

Harry got out of Severus's office as quickly as he could, but not before catching the look of gloating triumph on his teacher's thin face. He ran all the way up to the seventh floor and burst into the common room. Hermione and Ron were waiting for him.

"Harry! What happened?"

Harry shook his head wordlessly, suddenly aware of the tears on his face.

---