Rated M

New Beginning: The Same Refrain

Chapter 19

Severus stood at the gates looking up at the castle replaying Narcissa's words over in his mind.

When I was told to watch over you, replayed in his mind and whispered on the wind. When I was told to watch over you."

The Dark Lord had told her to watch over him, to be kind, to lead the way, to bring him over from the Muggle world, to fully ingrain him in her's. She had not done it from kindness, or some foolish regard for the young Slytherin who was so alone, she had done it for the Dark Lord.

Severus raked his hand through his hair and took deep breaths, feeling unsteady, and not able to walk. He leaned his hands against the wall and tried to put the images that came to flashing through his head in order, but her words kept echoing back. When I was told to watch over you.

He remembered the first time she had come to help him. He had been alone, sitting in the corridor after curfew, sitting with his books on the floor, finding more comfort on the cold stones than in his own common room. She had sat next to him, talked softly, took him by the hand, and led the small, too thin, First Year back into his dormitory. He remembered Lucius had opened the door and grinned as he waved them in, and whispered something in her ear.

He remembered sitting next to her in the Great Hall, and the sweets she brought him, and her smiles and they way she would look up and wink at Lucius. He remembered she hated Muggles. He remembered how hard he had tried to forget his home and Spinners End to please her. He remembered now how she and Lucius would always be at hand to take him from games of chess, or Hogsmeade days with others his age, to spend time with them, to keep him apart. He had gone with her willingly, and happily, sealing his loneliness with Narcissa's sisterly smiles and pats on the shoulder from Lucius.

In Fifth Year, they would come back to Hogwarts to collect him on weekends. They would take him to parties, and to Lucius's Manor. They would regale him with the honours and the status that awaited a brilliant wizard who gained favour with their Lord. A Lord that was so kind, so just, so willing to help a young wizard with no family that he would do anything to help him with his boyish dreams.

Severus made a fist and drove his hand into the stone hearing the bones snap before he felt the pain.

"Fuck," he spat aloud, hitting the wall again not feeling the pain.

He remembered the grassy field and kneeling before the monster. It was Lucius that firmly set a hand on his shoulder once again, to push him down to his knees and hold out his arm to accept the ticket for his ride.

He had witnessed their wedding and was Godfather to their son, and all the time it had been but a ruse to take him to that grassy field to have the Mark burnt into his flesh. Then he saw Hannah's liquid brown eyes and heard her gasp of pleasure, and knew that Narcissa had taken this away as surly as the Mark rested on her husband's arm.

His feet pounded on the pavement as he ran to the castle and though the halls and up to the Headmasters office. He needed to reach the old man, and was not sure why.

"Headmaster," he said out of breath. "I have come from the Malfoys."

"Ah," the Headmaster said leaning back in his chair. "I assume from your state that you learned something?"

"Narcissa, it is she as much as Lucius," he said, raking his bloody hand through his hair and wildly looked around.

"So, the memories are returning?" Albus said softly.

"No, I mean I thought I understood, but things were different." Severus began pacing not willing to admit all he remembered, as the admission would tell all he had forgotten.

"Did you find it was Narcissa that had the job to take you to Tom?" Albus looked at him steadily.

"Yes," Severus said flopping into a chair, leaning forward and putting his head in his hands, then winced at the pain in his hand and sat back up. "You knew."

"We sat in this very office and discussed this," Albus said steadily.

"You said she was not as she seemed." Severus looked up at Albus. "That was all you said, you said I was to be cautious."

Flashes of memories filled him; he looked up and saw Albus as he had seen him then, and knew they now both remembered the same.

"What will you do now, with this information?" Albus steepled his fingers and brought them to his lips waiting for the answer.

"I wanted to kill her." Severus looked up to see Albus frowning, "I wanted to cast the curse at both her and Lucius."

"Yet you did not," Albus said still frowning.

"She is still Narcissa. I can not separate what she has done from what she has been." Severus looked to Albus for an answer pleading to understand.

"Narcissa is not in herself an evil person Severus. She is still so enamoured with Lucius she does not yet see the truth herself." Albus stood to walk over to Severus. "We still may hope she finds it, as you have, and come home."

"She was behind the attack on Hannah," Severus said quietly, as if his admission was an admission of his own fault in the injuries that she had received. .

"She wants me out of the Muggle world completely." Severus looked up to the Headmaster.

"Yes, I imagine she would see a Muggle as a distraction and beneath you. Do not confuse the two Narcissas. She has always been overly proud of her heritage. She would normally find one such as Hannah beneath her status. I am sure it was this heritage and pride that allows her to follow Lucius and not see the fault in his thinking."

"She pretends to be my friend," Severus spat.

"I do not think it pretence," Albus said slowly rubbing his chin. "It may have started that way, however over the years she has championed you, and grew fond of you. I saw it at your leave taking, as you accepted your certificate of completion. She was genuinely proud."

"How do I do this now old man?" Severus said standing. "How do I put on a show knowing what I do?"

"Knowing that she is your friend now but was not then?" Albus's small smile caught Severus unaware.

"Friend?"

"Yes, I imagine that some place along the line she must have counted you among her friends. Minerva and I have talked of her often. We believe you and she are not so different."

"I think it was her friendship of you that first brought you to my attention," Albus looked at Severus evenly. "Her interest in you alerted me to the Lord's own interest in my small First Year. As Eileen's son, you were sought. If I had realized where it was all heading I would have had you sorted to Ravenclaw, and kept you more distant."

"So," Albus said more loudly signalling an end to their talk. "You now know how you came to Tom's attention. However painful this may be it changes nothing. Do you know why you are here? Have you learned this yet?"

"No," Severus sulked, and then turned his childish sulk to a sneer. "I am tired, and I have need of a potion."

"Did you win the fight with the gate?" Albus laughed as Severus sneered and walked to the stairwell and back to his chambers. "Make sure you stop in the infirmary and have that taken care of."

Severus stormed out of the Headmaster's office, and after listening to Poppy cluck her tongue while healing his hand, he headed to his chambers. He missed dinner again that night, taking a meal of sandwiches and coffee in his chambers to the delight of Millie who waited on him and refilled his coffee after every sip.

At the end of the meal, Millie winked out of the room and returned with a large plate of chocolate cake, topped with clotted cream and berries. She proudly set it on the table and slid it over to Severus.

Severus's eyebrow rose as he looked from the mess of a cake, to Millie, and back to the cake.

"What do you call that?" Severus snipped poking at the buttery cream with a fork. "Why is it on my cake?"

"Taste it Master," Millie hopped from foot to foot. "It is like you will remember."

Severus lifted a small bite on his fork, looking sceptically at Millie as he placed it on his tongue, and began to chew slowly. He ate the whole piece, and all the cream, and then sitting back almost smiled at Millie.

"Yes," he spoke softly to the elf. "It is as I remember. You would bring it to me, at night, in the dark."

"Yes Master," Millie smiled. "It makes the healing go faster."

He looked at Millie puzzled. "Cake with clotted cream does not speed healing Millie."

"Professor's mother would say I was to give you a treat for not crying." Millie looked up hopefully. "This is what I bring."

Severus frowned and began to pace thinking of clotted cream and cake. He remembered the cake, and eating, and sitting quietly while a wand was waved and his mother crying. His mother sat and cried and wrung her hands while the wand waved. The wand was waved by other hands that he now remembered.

He frowned and looked at the empty plate that held the cake, and then his eyes travelled to the elf.

"I have no time for this." He sneered at the elf, afraid of the feeling of familiarity that was coming over him.

He hurried to the shower and prepared for bed, hoping for more then two hours of peace. In the morning Severus sought out Minerva, finding her walking the gardens before breakfast was served.

"Minerva," he said walking up and standing in front of her intent on asking his questions.

"Severus," she said, dropping his title as he had dropped hers.

"You were there." He started to put his still mending hand thru his hair, as was his habit, then dropped it back to his side.

"Severus, what are you on about now?" she looked at him quizzically.

"You were always there, from the beginning I remember you." He looked into her face and saw her worry lines erase, and saw her as the younger woman she had been. "You used to come to me, to visit, I remember you healing me."

"Aye Lad," she said with a gentle smile.

"My mother would bring me here, to see you when my father was away." He knitted his brow together and remembered.

"I see once again you come to me with broken bones." She reached for his hand and took out her wand. "I would not mention this to Albus, he is much to stern to understand now, and was much sterner then."

"I'm afraid that's too late. He did not know what?" Severus stood still as Minerva whisked her wand over his hand. "Or, is it that he would not have approved of your helping?"

"Albus offered your mother a place here. She refused, choosing instead to live with that man. Albus will only offer once."

"Minerva?" He looked up to her eyes, a Seventh Year looking for acceptance. "I don't, I mean to say I should have…"

"No need Lad." She lay her hand on his cheek, "regrets are something we have no time for. Now, I want my breakfast and I want my favourite student to take me."

Severus smirked and gave a grand bow, then holding up his arm he allowed his favourite witch to take his elbow as he walked her though the hallways to the Great Hall.