Rated M

New Beginning: The Same Refrain

Chapter 22

Severus did not make it back to Hogwarts until the sky was light. Aberforth had poured three vials of sober up potion down his throat to get him up and out of the pub, and then one more to make sure he made it home. He was quite sober by the time he walked up the hill in the crisp moist morning air, but quite hung over.

He still felt anger boiling just under his skin, and occasionally looked around to see who was following him in the shadows, or lurking in the bushes that lined the pathway. He knew he was being foolish when he felt his chin and knew it was only the next day. Severus felt darkness around the next corner, and did not know if he should run to it, or from it.

Narcissa had welcomed him and he knew she would still take him back again. He had wanted to hurt her, humiliate her for all the years she had held onto her lie but she had turned it on him, her need for acceptance eclipsing his. She would have to take him again, like the whores of Knockturn Alley. She would take him and smile to the Dark Lord of how she saved the prize. He wondered if she also sought salvation, looking for escape from the live she had chosen and cursed what he had done.

He stood still and looked up to the castle, and then looked back down the hill towards Hogsmeade. He saw Lily and shut his eyes, taking a deep breath he longed for her scent, a touch of her hand, or the sound of her voice. She was leaving him. He felt it as surely today as he had felt it when he had taken Narcissa in her husband's home. He felt he was going mad and welcomed the promise that it held.

Hannah did not come to his mind, for him she had ceased to exist. He had felt pain he had never felt before when he saw her memory, he pushed it away and refused to acknowledge it was there. If he lost Lily, he would now be truly alone.

He drew his robes around him to keep in his warmth and continued up to the castle. He would shower, and dress before returning to the Malfoys. He smirked knowing Lucius still would be gone and Narcissa would be alone and waiting for him.

He pushed his door open, expecting to lift the wards but not finding any set. Then remembering he had left in a rush to Albus's office, he frowned trying to remember what had happened. Thinking it the whiskey that made him forget, he tossed his robes on the floor and headed to the shower.

"Severus?" Hannah's voice came softly from the sofa, a question and a gentle warning that she was here.

He spun around and glared at her, and curled his lip in disgust.

"Leave," he hissed at her, stepping close. "Leave at once."

"Severus," she stood uncertainly looking at him, but edging toward the door. "The Headmaster, he told me what you did. That you were working and fell asleep."

"Fine," he simpered, mocking her gentle tone. "Then you can leave with that knowledge."

"I just don't know why you are angry with me," she looked at the door ready to flee. "I just, I don't know Severus, I know you never remembered me."

"Why would I remember a whore?" he spat at her. "Do you think you are such a good fuck that I would remember you after all this time? Bloody hell witch, I hardly remember you now."

Hannah's bottom lip trembled, until she bit down to still it, and turning on her heel, she walked toward the door, not understanding his anger. She stopped to talk to him from the hallway, watching his back as he searched his cabinet for a bottle.

"You are the one that forgot," she said with her voice shaking. "I thought… I thought you cared for me or I never would have let you touch me."

"Care?" He spun to look at her, his face a mask of rage. "Before the day was out you had another, I saw how deeply you cared."

Hannah stepped backwards, shaking her head and staring at him in horror. She opened her mouth to say something and then closed it again, all the while shaking her head. She backed up until a wall stopped her, and then looking at him, she turned and fled. He could hear her feet retreating down the hall and smirked when he heard her stumble. He would be damned if she was going to make him feel guilty for this. Not this time, not remembering what happened, only the words that flew to his mind.

He walked into the lab and looked at the finished potion on his desk. Picking up one vial of potion and one of salve, he walked to the bench and removed his shirt. Looking at the Dark Mark that he would carry to the day he died, he grinned and turning on the Bunsen burner. He held his left arm over the flame. He watched as his flesh blistered with a raised eyebrow, wondering why the Mark did not move.

Sweat appeared on his brow, and his legs began to give out, he took a steadying breath and let it out. Then with just a shrug of his shoulders, he removed his arm and poked at the burn with his wand.

Uncapping the first potion, he drank it down, making a notation of the exact time, and then applied the salve. Sitting down to wait for the healing process, he took a dark look at his arm. The pain kept him focused, and did not allow his mind to wander. He looked at the salve and was tempted to wipe it off to hold on to this perfect moment of forgetfulness. Instead, he took up a quill and recorded the results, coldly, clinically, and detailed.

When his arm healed, he merely put away his notebook and returned to his chambers where he showered and changed his clothes, paying special attention to the detail. He sent his trousers to the laundry for pressing, not liking the way the crease fell. He examined the buttons on his waistcoat, to make sure no lose threads hung astray, and smoothing his hands over his robes, made sure no wrinkles and set in. Holding his head up, and his chin high he picked up the vials of the finished potion and left for the Great Hall.

"Headmaster," he said in way of greeting, setting the vial and jar of salve in front of Albus. "I am sure St Mungo's will be pleased with the results."

He walked down to his place at the table and keeping his eyes on his plate began to eat.

"Have you scheduled the tests?" Albus asked holding the vial up to the light.

"The test has been completed," Severus said flatly. "It exceeds expectations."

"You tested it on your self?" Minerva gasped.

"I completed the clinical trial, I find the potions satisfactory," he said with a sneer.

"I will deliver it later this afternoon," Albus said slowly. "I am sure they will make a generous payment."

Severus made no further comment to the two staff members, or the Muggle that had seemed fit to join them. He ignored her completely, and finishing his lunch pushed his chair back, and left.

He spent the rest of the afternoon in Hogsmeade buying ingredients for the next potion he would be working on. It had come to him to try a cure for the Cruciatus curse. He thought a two-part potion might be of used in this healing as well.

He knew there were many victims he could use to test the potion. The longest living was the Longbottoms, but he thought they might have gone too long with out the benefit of a cure.

He would propose a two-step cure. The first potion would set up a reversal in the method pain was processed in the body. Allowing magic to reverse the pain and send it back into the body, cleansing the pain centre of the brain and allowing it to heal while blocking the pain to be felt by the sensors. The second potion could then allow a small amount of the pain to flow at a time. Flowing naturally, to be handled with normal pain relievers and the body's innate magic. It would depend on how long the patient was held under the curse, but he was sure it could be done.

He gathered the ingredients and locked himself in his lab, determined he would find the cure before the beginning of term. As one vial after another landed against the wall, he grew frustrated with his failed attempts. He paced at night and brewed during the day, finding cups of tea at his elbow, and sandwiches left on trays. He would bring his hand to his chin and frown at the passage of time again not trusting the clock.

Severus no longer used his bed, sleeping instead in the chair in front of the fire. He thought to limit himself to two drinks a night. More than two drinks and Lily would come, call his name, and point to the girl in the cart, pulled to the top of the summit, and as he watched in horror, she would fall with the cart and then picked up by a wizard that did not wear a cloak. She would turn to him, and press her hand between her thighs she would bring up bloodied hands and smile. Her voice would come, but the words jumbled and lost. Lucius's voice said she flushed one away and then laughed and said a father knows.

Severus sat up and put his head in his hands, checking again for the passage of time. He walked to the shower stopping in front of the mirror and saw his father. Smashing the mirror with his fist, he left the shards on the floor rather than doing a simple 'Reparo' spell. He took a deep breath, and after a few moments went to his lab to brew.

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"Minerva?" Hannah poked her head though the open door and looked for permission in enter.

"Yes, Hannah," Minerva said standing up for behind her desk. "Do come in, I have spent far too long on these lesson plans. I need a break and this is a perfect time to take one."

"I don't want to keep you from your work," Hannah looked around hesitantly.

"Not at all my dear, sit." Minerva waved her wand and transfigured a comfortable armchair from one of the student desks for Hannah, and then smiled and made one for herself as well.

"Now, tell me why you are not outside on such a beautiful day," Minerva said settling into her chair and smoothing the robes.

"I really need to be moving on Minerva. I have been here for a month now, I am sure you don't need me under foot any longer."

"Where will you go? You have no job, and I am sure your belongings have been kicked to the street by now."

"I will find something Minerva. I do love this place. All this is just so fantastic, but I know I can't stay."

"Has he even spoken to you since the night you were brought here?" Minerva asked boldly. "He can be such a cold selfish wizard."

"Minerva, I will not talk badly of him." She worried her lip. "I have known Severus most of my life and if you are going to speak ill of him I'll just leave now."

"Dear, I meant nothing by it," Minerva said hastily.

"I thought to go back to Spinners End," Hannah said. "I still own the place, and maybe I can find something close by. I don't have much to pack. I can be ready this afternoon."

"If this is what you want," Minerva frowned.

"It is, I just need to get my courage up to tell Severus I am leaving," she sighed. "I will not leave it like this."

"He is still in his lab. He can be single minded when he is working on a portion." Minerva snipped.

"Well," Hannah stood, "then I should get this over with."

Hannah walked down to the dungeons slowly. She stopped to look at the pictures and talk to some of the inhabitants of the frames. She found this the most fascinating aspect of the wizarding world and had spent many hours learning of this world from the conversations she had with the many characters she met trapped for all eternity in a wonderland of paints and oils.

She did not know what to say when she reached the door of the lab, but lifted her hand and timidly knocked. Hearing a voice inside bidding her to enter, she took a deep breath and pushed the door open.