CHAPTER 10
A/N:
Fmh: Harry was not thinking of Snape at all when he was carving the falcon. However, the falcon motive is a playful reference to my previous story Union of Doom, where Harry's Patronus changes into a falcon after he falls in love with Severus. Harry also ends up with a falcon-shaped scar on his chest when he leaps in front of Severus to protect him from Voldemort's curse.
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During the next Occlumency lesson, Severus was ready to recompense his lapse in his disagreeable behaviour towards Harry. He asked him a few questions, which Harry answered cautiously.
"You may not have Miss Granger's intellect, Potter, but I expect you to answer more quickly and readily," Severus drawled.
"I'm glad to see that you acknowledge Hermione's cleverness after so many years. Sir," Harry replied boldly, adding the last word after an intentional pause. Severus's mouth thinned.
"You said that you would teach me to duel with style," Harry added quickly.
Severus raised an eyebrow.
"I did. During our duelling lesson."
"Well, striving against external penetration is also a duel," Harry pointed out.
"True. But of a mental type," Severus replied instead of, as Harry had been expecting, unleashing his sarcasm or insulting him or rebuking him for being impudent.
Severus continued:
"Mental duels have to be fought during physical duelling as well, Potter. You have to decide in less than a second which spell you are going to use. Duelling is a delicate combination of intuition and logic; and if you manage not to behave like a complete fool, then there may be a faint spark of hope that you will be able to master this craft. You have to learn to be subtle, Potter. You are not at all subtle. You are like your father and Black – completely unsubtle."
"And my mother – what was she like, sir?" Harry asked coolly; he had noticed that Severus never referred to Lily Potter, the only exception being the memory which he had breached in the Pensieve.
"Enough," Severus said sharply, a slight flush rising to his thin cheeks. "I have wasted enough time and words on you, Potter. Practical Occlumency."
Severus turned his back on Harry and picked up his wand slowly. He turned on his heel with the grace of a dancer, pointing his wand at Harry.
"Legilimens!"
Harry had tried to set up his Occlumentic shield even as Severus was walking towards the desk to retrieve his wand; now he felt the shield quiver; it was not strong enough to resist such an invasion, to resist the piercing black eyes drilling into his green ones…the same dark memories and fears were emerging…if only he could find a happy memory, like when producing a Patronus…Occlumency, like Dementors, seemed to focus on dredging up all the unhappy things…
"EXPECTO PATRONUM!" A corporeal stag – the strongest form of the Patronus possible – flashed out of his wand-tip, blinding in its silver glory; and at the same time, a sudden image invaded his mind…Teenage Severus Snape sobbing in a corner of his room…Harry, shaken, managed to produce another spell right after the Patronus Charm:
"Protego!"
A Shield Charm separated him from Severus Snape, who was staring at him, his wand lowered; then both stag and protective magic faded as Harry, too, lowered his wand. The two wizards were silent for a few moments.
"You tried to think of positive memories, Potter, which is why you used the Patronus Charm, since it obvously requires a happy memory. While positive memories prevent you from succumbing to the suffocation and loss of control generated by fear, they, too, are not the correct way. You have to let go of all emotions, Potter. All of them. Happy thoughts will expose you as much as unhappy ones. They will be fodder for a Legilimens to twist and distort; and remember, Potter, that an experienced Legilimens does not require a wand and will try reading your mind without your knowledge while maintaining eye contact with you."
Harry felt lost. How could he possibly empty himself of all emotions?
"I…feel too much, I don't know how to let go…what about meditating beforehand?"
He expected Severus to mock him or tell him how stupid he was.
"Meditation…" Severus traced his mouth with his finger. "What do you know about meditation, Potter?"
"Uhm, Hermione told me that if one concentrates on nothing, then emotions leave, your mind becomes empty…"
"If you concentrate on not wanting to think of anything, Potter, then that already is a thought in itself," Severus said coldly, studying Harry, "and there is not enough time for you to learn meditation, although it is something you could definitely use – not only for your lessons with me."
Harry felt strongly tempted to ask whether Severus himself meditated. The Potions Master scrutinised him contemptuously and walked over to the mantelpiece. He took Harry's carved bird and strode back impatiently.
"When you carved this, Potter, what was your state of mind?"
Harry looked confused. Severus sighed.
"Your mood, Potter. Angry? Happy? Sad? Tense?"
"After carving for a few minutes, I would feel…relaxed. Absorbed in what I was doing, but not thinking of anything specific, especially if I had thought beforehand about what kind of details I was going to carve into the wood."
"If you can reach a similar state during Occlumency, Potter, then you should be able to get the infernal hang of mental magic. Another round." Severus placed the bird on his desk and grabbed his wand.
"Legilimens!"
And like in his previous sessions, Harry fell on the floor, groaning and gasping. A vein throbbed in Severus's temple.
"OUT!" he bellowed. "NOTHING SEEMS TO WANT TO GO INTO THAT HOLLOW HEAD OF YOURS! OUT! AND TAKE THIS WASTE OF WOOD WITH YOU!"
He flung the bird at Harry, who, thanks to his Quidditch reflexes, managed to catch it against his chest. The young wizard rushed out of Severus's office, slamming the door behind him. Severus collapsed into his chair. He had a horrible headache.
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"Harry! What happened?" Ginny exclaimed. She was kissing Dean on the sofa near the hearth of the common room when Harry stumbled inside, breathing hard. Hermione and Ron, who were doing their homework, looked up in alarm.
"Snape – threw – me – out," Harry gasped.
"Again?" Hermione exclaimed.
"I…I didn't do anything! It's just…I'm not getting the hang of it and Snape got so fed up that he yelled at me to leave…I'm so…"
His voice suddenly broke, as did his self-control. Ginny and Dean got up and left discreetly, both of them patting Harry on the back as they did so; it was only Ron and Hermione who could help him now.
"That idiot is way too hard on him," Dean muttered, and Ginny nodded sadly; the portrait closed behind them.
Harry simply cried into his hands.
"I don't know what to do, I wish I could get that Sleeping Potion again, the nightmares are back, and Occlumency is beyond me, Voldemort is after us all, and the NEWTS, and…and…"
Ron and Hermione each took his hand and guided him to the sofa, where they sat on either side of him and held him together.
"Harry," Ron said softly, "we're here with you."
"Yes, we're here," Hermione repeated, stroking his hair and encountering Ron's hand. She and Ron both flushed a little in spite of Harry's condition. They continued holding and hugging Harry, waiting until he was more composed.
"Harry, do you remember Dumbledore's Army? The Room of Requirement?" Hermione said at last, her eyes gleaming as an idea occurred to her.
Harry sniffed.
"Yeah, but what-"
"What if we ask the Room of Requirement to turn into a place where we can learn Occlumency and mental magic in general?"
"We?" Harry's head snapped up.
"Of course, mate," Ron said, patting his back.
"But – but – you've got so much to do, both of you-"
"It will be an excellent opportunity for us to practise, too," Hermione said briskly, "and just imagine if Voldemort tried using Occlumency on us, Harry. We're your friends, so he would target us-"
"That's why I don't want you to-"
"Shut up, mate," Ron said gently.
"We'll study with you. I've done plenty of reading on Occlumency during the last weeks, Harry."
Ron shot Hermione an incredulous look.
"How do you find the time, with all the subjects you have?"
"Because I make time for my friends," Hermione said succinctly, "and sometimes, you have to be your own teacher."
Ron handed Harry a paper handkerchief.
"Honk all your frustrations into that like a demented goose," he suggested. Harry laughed; he sounded and felt far more cheerful.
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"Ron, you're breathing so loudly!"
"I've got to breathe, Hermione."
"Pssst, you two!" Harry hissed from underneath the Invisibility Cloak, the Marauder's Map in his hand to make sure the coast was clear. The trio reached the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy.
"Okay…here we go, then," Ron said. They walked past the blank wall three times, concentrating on a place where they could learn Occlumency and find adequate material…
"Excellent!" Hermione said.
A door had appeared in the wall. The time had come to get even with Severus Snape – in a subtle manner; and yet, when Harry thought of the images of Severus's childhood and adolescence, he felt that he could nearly understand why the man was so cynical.
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