Rated M

New Beginning: The Same Refrain

Chapter 25

Severus stood on the pavement and looked up at the plain row houses that were Spinners End. Most of the houses were dark, only one other with any light coming from the windows to reflect off the wet cobblestone under his feet.

He had not been here for over nine years and felt at once comfortable and foreign. He felt comfortable knowing that at last he did not feel he belonged here. He was no longer part of Spinners End. He looked down at the corner house, dark an abandoned, and found no fear in it or the memories it held.

His long legged stride took him to the door quickly, and as his knuckles beat out a knock, he looked up and down the road, an old habit of to see if he was followed. He heard the latches inside as she threw them open, and smirked at the stupidity of Muggles, thinking a piece of metal driven into a two inch thick piece of wood could make them safe.

Hannah opened the door wide, looked up at him and smiled as he fought to breathe. She wore her hair pulled back at the temples and caught in combs near the crown of her head. Her eyes were as he remembered them. The line of her jaw and the set of her chin assured in way he had not seen before. She wore a plain pair of sleeping pants, tied at the waist and a loose tee that reached down over her hips.

"Miss Haywood," he said stiffly. "Forgive me for not advising you as to the time of my call."

"Severus," she frowned at him. "Must we be so formal? Has it been that long?"

"Forgive me, Miss Haywood, however I feel our time spent in the past has no relevance on the future." His voice was cold and practiced.

Hannah paused, glancing back into the house over her shoulder thinking this was a bad idea. She had not expected him to be warm and kind to her, but this greeting was colder than she had hoped.

"Professor Snap, where are my manners?" She smiled thinly and opened the door wider as she stepped aside. "Come in, please."

"What is this about?" Severus said standing just inside the door and looking at the small cramped space.

"Right to the point I see." She followed his eyes and saw her sitting room though his eyes. "Not much to look at I guess."

"I received your missive." He watched as she twisted her hands in the front of her shirt and looked up the stairs.

"Severus, please," she said her eyes filling with tears. "I have a son. He is almost three years old."

"Then I apologise as you are no longer a Miss Haywood. " Severus held his expression flat. "Congratulations are in order."

She looked steadily at him. "It is still Miss Haywood."

"It seems you still have the ability to find many a bed," he sneered before he could stop the words from falling out.

"This was a bad idea." She breathed quickly and pushed past him to reopen the door. "I know you don't want to be here."

She stood with the door open, looking away from him. "I needed help. I am sorry I bothered you."

"What is your urgent problem?" He raised his sleeve to pick of an imaginary piece of lint.

"He's dieing." She swallowed down the tears that were threatening to spill and fought to keep her voice even.

Severus looked at her and wanted to reach out and comfort her. Instead, he clasped his hands behind his back and looked down at her. He saw her hand that held the doorknob begin to tremble, only for her to hold on tighter.

"I would suggest you seek medical attention at one of the Muggle facilities, unless you wanted me here to transport you to St. Mungo's. Without knowing his parentage it is only a guess." He wanted to question her and know who she had been with, but knew he had lost that right eight years ago.

"I have already been to the doctors, and the hospitals, and every clinic between here and Dover." She looked up at him as tears began to fall. "They all say the same thing, but they have to be wrong. They have to be."

He reached over and took her hand from the door, closing it and looking at her. She stood with her back to the wall and her head lowered, scrubbing her eyes with the heel of her hands.

"I told my self I wouldn't do this when you came."

"What does he have?"

"Leukaemia. At least that's what they say, but maybe they're wrong, maybe they missed something."

"How long?"

"They said he had it little over a year ago." She walked into the sitting room and turned back to watch him. "He's upstairs. Please Sev… Professor. Would you just look at him and see if there is anything you can do? Remember when you healed my lip?"

"I am afraid this is more than an injured lip," he spoke calmly although his mind was reeling.

"I know, but you just did it with your wand, and I thought maybe you could just do something like that." She quickly crossed to him and laid her hands on his chest. "He is so little, he is just a baby."

"I can give you potions to manage his pain, and to help him keep his food down." He looked at her coldly, and turned back to the door.

"No, I don't want potions, I want my son."

"I am sorry, I must be leaving now." He knew there was nothing he could do, and by being here, he gave her false hope, hope she should not have.

"Is that all?" Her voice cracked as she tried to talk.

"I am sorry Miss Haywood," he said, wanting to reach out to her. "Cancers caught early in tumours, we can cure with a simple potion, or even remove with an incantation. This however, is beyond even our magic."

"But you make potions, you could find a way," she said, raising her voice and pleading with him. "I could pay, I only have a little saved but I could get more."

"I would suggest that you and the father make him comfortable," Severus spoke evenly. "It is all that is left to do."

"Father," she spat and turned away from him. "Sure, I will do that. Thanks for coming Professor. I won't take up your time."

She sat heavily on the edge of the sofa, wrapping her arms around her stomach and willing her self to breathe. She could no longer stop the tears and did not try. She felt cold and alone, and knew if he left her son would die.

"Miss Haywood, I can only recommend that you follow your doctor's course of treatment." He crossed his arms over his chest.

"I am sorry to have taken your time Professor," she said as she felt a cold fist gripping her chest looking behind him to the door and trying to think of what could make him stay.

"I will do anything you want." She jerked her head up and looked at him, and when she saw his face, she knew her inference was clear.

Severus stepped back from her and turned to the door.

"Severus," she called out to him. "I am sorry. I just don't know what to do. Please, he is all I have. Please, I have no one to turn to, no one to… no one."

Severus stopped at the door. He knew he should leave, just be done with this, and not open the old wound, but something made him turn around and face her again.

"I may as well see him while I am here," Severus said evenly.

"Yes, please." She jumped up and started running up the stairs. Severus followed remembering these stairs the last time he had followed her up. He could see the same way she lowered her head, and the same way her skirt brushed her legs and wished he could go back to that time and try to put things right.

At the top of the stairs, he stopped and watched as she walked into the room that had held the bookcase. He heard a soft laugh and the rustles of blankets and the squeak of child's toy he remembered as a sound from Draco. He frowned thinking their son would be almost ready to get his first Hogwarts letter if he had lived and quickly pushed the thought aside.

"Mum has someone for you to meet my little man," her voice came down the hall to him.

Severus walked to the doorway and looked in at the mother and son, for a moment letting the memory of what they once almost had, make this the son he had lost. He saw her hold the child on her hip and kiss the top of his head, the way he had seen Narcissa hold and kiss Draco. He felt his eyes begin to burn, as he fought not respond to the sight and the memories that still haunted him.

He looked around the room at once assessing the sparse decorations and sneered at the thought that this was the best she could do for a child she claimed to love. She should have done better, she should have chosen a father better suited to the life she and her son would want. He needed to get out, he needed to return to his world and leave this one far behind.

"This little fellow is my son." She beamed up at Severus.

"What is his name?" Severus said reaching for him as he had reached for Draco many times then quickly drew back.

"I call him Chunk." She smiled at him, trying to hide her tears, and pinched his chubby thighs.

"Chunk?" He scowled. "No, I think not. His name?"

"Tobias." She looked away suddenly busy with patting down the child's hair. "I gave him your middle name, I …"

"Miss Haywood?" Severus looked at her oddly.

"He tires easily, and is starting to lose weight." Hannah quickly changed topics. "The doctors say he has only a few months."

He stood silently looking at her and her child. Then Tobias peeked up at him from his mothers shoulder and smiled. Severus reached out and took him from Hannah.

"Then we will keep him comfortable and safe for those months he has," Severus said looking down at the boy he held. "Some did not even get this much time."

"Please Severus, not now," she wiped tears from her eyes. "I can't think of that now."

"Do you have any one to help you here?" he asked not looking at her but keeping his eyes on Tobias.

"No, not really. I have a friend at work; she sometimes will sit with him while I run errands. It helps."

"His father's family, do they help?" Severus looked at her with his eyes turning dark and unreadable.

"Severus, let it rest. I am sure he told no one of the baby."

"Do you still serve drinks for a living?" he sneered at her.

"I did for a while, and then…"

"You are between jobs again."

"I can't very well work and take care of…"

"What are you doing to pay the bills?"

"I have some put aside. I can…"

"You can keep the lies and tell me what I ask."

"Severus, we go to the hospital twice a week for his treatments, and then he has his doctor's appointments. " She explained. "The days after his treatments are the worse, we stay in all day. I had to quit, I cannot do this and work. I have a couple hundred pounds put away, and then I will have to…"

"No." Severus ranked his hand through this hair. "I will take care of the bills while he is …"

"No." She stepped forward and took Tobias from him. "Don't say it, don't even say it."

"I meant only to provide you a way to stay in this house while he is ill," Severus hissed at her.

"Until he dies? Is that what you are saying? I didn't ask you here for that!"

"What did you expect?" he frowned at her. "You know better then this. You are not ignorant of my world, or its limitations."

"I want my son Severus, I just want him." She pushed Tobias back to Severus as she ran from the room. He heard the bathroom door shut behind her and then the sound of water.

She cupped cold water in her hands and lowered her head. She never acted this way in front of Tobias and knew she would only scar him if she had not already. She slid to the ground and leaned over the toilet as she vomited.

Severus put Tobias back on his cot and went to help Hannah. He could hear her retching and knew she had given up any pretence of bravery in front of him. He opened the door and saw her kneeling on the floor with her head lowered. He reached up and grabbed a flannel, held it under the running water and placed in on the back of her neck.

"Hannah," he said reverting to her first name. "I am truly sorry."

"Gods Severus, this can't be happening. I sometimes think I will die before he does. It hurts so bad." She put her hand over her mouth to cover her sobs.

"I will get potions for his pain, and to help after his treatments. They will ease his nausea and allow him to eat with out becoming ill."

"They said he has only five months."

"I will leave a port key. It will allow you to go to Poppy. Each time you go she will reactivate it for your next trip and give you one to get home."

"I don't see how it could possibly work, and the travel would be too hard on him."

Severus helped her to her feet and returned to pick up the sleepy boy, setting him on his hip and walking downstairs.

"Severus," she quickly ran after him. "What are you doing?"

"I am taking him downstairs," he said stating the obvious. "We need to talk about you living at Hogwarts."

"We can talk here," she looked around and grabbed a blanket following him, knowing once his mind was set he would not change it.

"Fix a pot of tea while I examine you son," he walked into the sitting area and set the child down on the rug in the centre of the room.

Tobias stood in his footed pyjamas looking up at the dark stranger. He stuck his thumb in his mouth and rubbed his eyes with his free hand. Severus had his hands clasped behind his back as he scowled down at the two year old wondering how to start.

"You two are quite the picture you know," Hannah's voice broke Severus's concentration.

"You were told to fetch tea," he said coldly. "I would suggest you do so."

He turned back to Tobias and then with a sigh he dropped down to his knees.

"Mr Haywood," he said to the toddler. "I mean to access the progression of your illness. You will be only mildly discomforted."

Hannah heard them from the kitchen and could not help but laughing at the manner he was taking with a child that barely reached his knees. Setting the water on to boil she peeked around the doorway to watch.

Severus took out his wand and made a pass over Tobias's head, bringing two small eyes to the wand. A chubby little hand reached out and grabbed the shinny plaything with a peel of laughter. Severus snatched it back a second before it replaced the thumb as the taste of choice.

"That was most inappropriate," he frowned at the boy. "We will try this again."

"Was sat?" Tobias said pointing to the wand.

"This Mr Haywood is what the doctors use to see illness," he explained in a manner he thought the lad would understand.

"No doctor." Tobias stuck his thumb back in his mouth, narrowing his eyes as Severus.

"Listen Tobias, I will say this once," Severus took on his schooled voice that he used in class. "When I count to three you will remove your thumb and open your mouth so I can look inside."

"One," he readied his wand.

"Two," he said as his wand took the required position.

"Three," he said seeing the thumb unmoving in the mouth, the boys cheeks pulling in and out as he sucked.

"Did you not hear me boy?" He asked with an air of defeat, as he watched the boy nod.

Again, he raised the wand, and held the position. He knew what do now.

"What did I say boy?" Severus smirked, waiting for the boy to say three. Instead, he saw the wand grabbing hand raise in the air to show him three fingers.

"Severus?" Hannah said from the doorway her laughter spilling out. "He can't count yet."

"He knows three," Severus said with a sneer, she knew was a pout.

"Everything is three, I told him next month he was going to have a birthday," she laughed looking at his face. "We have been practicing how to say three."

"He needs more practice," Severus turned to look a Hannah as Tobias pulled the thumb out from his mouth.

"Three," the little voice finally piped up, then shoved his thumb back in his mouth.

"I think I need help," Severus spat out, glaring at the child in front of him.

"Let me just grab the tea," she smiled, and then became serious. "Severus, this is what it would be like, if I were to come with you. It would be like this every day."

Severus turned back and looked at Tobias, who again stood rubbing his eyes. He reached down and picked him up crossing over to sit on the sofa. He did not think he would mind. He thought of laughter filling the dungeons and the smell of her, wrapped in the smell of her son. He did not think he would mind it at all. He often envied Lucius his son and looking at Tobias thought, he would not mind the company at all.

Hannah walked in with the tea, balanced on a tray with biscuits and a small glass of milk. She stopped watching Severus peering into the boy's mouth as Tobias played with his hair. Then turning the boy around Severus made several more passes of the wand, and slowly looked up at Hannah.

"How…," she started.

"A trick, Narcissa used it with Draco," he said with colour actually rising to his face.

"And what would that be Severus," she grinned thinking she already knew.

"I said please," he ground out refusing to look at her. Then he stood up and walked to the kitchen.

"Millie," he called, and turned as the elf popped in.

"I want you to go to the kitchens and bring me some goat's milk," he crossed his arms and looked at the elf. "Make sure it is fresh. If Miss Haywood does not accompany me back you will bring a fresh jug every morning."

"Yes Master," the elf winked out, returning in a few moments with a fresh jug of milk.

"Severus," Hannah looked at him confused. "I have plenty of milk."

"He has an allergy to cow's milk," Severus scowled. "I am not surprised his doctor missed it, his reaction to his medication is masking many problems."

"Will he be able to eat better now?" Hannah asked hopefully.

"No, I am afraid not. What he does eat may stay in his stomach a little longer," he sighed, knowing the medication made the child vomit up his food. "Perhaps if it stays in him a little longer there may be a benefit."

"Now fix him a bottle, and let him sleep," Severus said to Hannah indicating the jug.

"He is off the bottle. It took me a long time to get him to sleep with out one."

"Hannah," he said walking over to her. "The boy still sucks his thumb, if this will give him comfort in the time he has left let him have his bottle, it is a small thing."

Hannah turned to the kitchen shelf and reached down one of the unused bottles. Her hands were shaking, trying to pour the milk from the jug.

"Hannah," he said walking up behind her, wanting to hold her. "You can't let him see you like this. He will pick up on your fear."

"My mum," Tobias said reaching up and pulling on Severus's trousers. "My mum."

"Yes Chunk," Hannah said reaching down to him surprised when he turned from her and buried his face in Severus's trousers.

"Well, that is a fine how do you do," she said, looking at Severus.

"No my dear." He smirked as he grabbed the bottle from her and bent to scoop up the child. "That is good taste."

Hannah waited in the sitting room while Severus returned Tobias to bed with a bottle. She kept looking to the stairs wondering what was keeping him. When she heard him on the stairs, she jumped up and went over to him.

"He is fine Hannah," Severus said smirking. "He is asleep. I wanted to use the time to finish the examination."

"What did you find?" She asked.

"There is very little of his bone marrow that is functioning correctly. However I will need a true Healer to verify this," he said tipping up her chin and looking into her eyes. "Hannah, I can not hold out false hope. I will do what I can, but that may only be to make him comfortable."

"No," she said rushing to her desk and opening the top draw. "Look at this. I have all these brochures about treatments. They are not available here, but you could take him, you could take him to one of these.

Severus looked down at the pamphlets she had thrust in his hands and heard the desperation in her voice. St Mungos kept up with Muggle treatments, and had looked into the same claims that she now held in her hands. He knew the claims were false, only looking to how much money they could make off heartsick mothers.

"No, these are not cures Hannah," he reached out to stroke her hair. "They are only to prey on your hope, they will do nothing."

"Look, this one is from Sweden, you could take him there. Or this, look this one is in Mexico. I know it is further but the way you…"

"Stop Hannah," he said, cutting her short. "None of these work."

"Then I will thank you for coming Severus," she said walking to the door and opening it for him. "If all you can offer is more pain killers and more useless medicine I will keep looking. You have been more then kind coming like this, but he won't die. I won't let him."

"I am sorry, Hannah," he said softly, "For you and your son."