Chapter 5: The Kitchen Table

Kara felt the same way she did when she was hovering above the city in the middle of the night. The way the city traffic swelled, and then quieted as the hours passed. How the lights burned brightly, then darkness would spread from building to building, like a massive, patchwork domino effect, as the inhabitants went to sleep. The swell of the ocean steady in her ears as the time wore on and still, she hovered. Waiting.

Waiting for something to go wrong.

And - because it was a city, because it was National City, and the night was dark and tensions between humans and aliens were at an all-time high - something always went wrong.

A change of scenery had transpired: now Kara and Lena sat at the kitchen table, chairs turned to face each other. Lena had slipped the sweater Kara leant her back over her head - but she didn't put her coat on, that's a good sign, right? Didn't run for the door. And she hasn't said she hates me.

At least not yet.

Kara had poured Lena another glass of wine, as requested, and placed it on the kitchen table. Lena nodded in thanks, but said nothing. Is it possible for someone's stomach to actually twist itself in knots? Is that a thing that people can do? Because right now it seems like I'm making a case for that to be a possibility.

Lena took a sip of wine, then another, and Kara wanted to scream.

Do you hate me? Do you feel betrayed?

Do you have questions? I'm sure you have questions. Rao, what are they?

What is going through your head? Damn, she had never wished more to have J'onn's mind-reading ability. But… that would be wrong, to use it on Lena, she would have to wait for Lena to share her thoughts in her own time.

Kara wanted to groan, yell, punch a hole in the wall, laugh, sigh in relief. Relief? Is it possible for me to be feeling that right now? How long has it been? Only seconds, still? It felt like hours, like an infinity tucked into a heartbeat.

Maybe a drink's not such a bad idea.

Kara went back to the kitchen, reached for the wine, then stopped. No need to hide it anymore, she thought, a little thrill running through her despite still being in limbo as to what Lena's reaction was going to be. She set the wine down and reached in the back of the cabinet for the Aldebaran rum again. She could feel Lena's eyes on her as she took it out and poured her glass. Kara found herself avoiding eye contact as she took first one sip, then another, still standing at the counter, back turned towards Lena.

Kara tried not to focus on the little chill that swept through her that had nothing to do with the temperature outside, and everything to do with the sudden distance between her and the woman currently sitting silently at her kitchen table. Distance, so suddenly and so soon after they had just been… so close.

It took another sip of Aldebaran rum for Kara to realize that her fleeting sense of relief was not, in fact, fleeting. Instead, the feeling spread, lingered, calmed her in a strange way that she wasn't quite sure she'd felt before. It was a different kind of intoxication, this feeling, and Kara recognized it even as the prolonged lack of conversation made one corner of her mind grow more and more anxious.

She knows. Lena knows. I don't have to pretend anymore, I don't have to hide anymore, not with her. Even if she doesn't want to be friends - never mind becoming anything more, something in her heart twinged but Kara tried to ignore it - after tonight, right now Lena's seeing me for all that I am. There was power in that, there was freedom in that, and Kara embraced it.

I'll turn around, I'll ask her, I'll just ask her what she's thinking - but just as Kara was steeling herself to do it, a sound broke the silence, and it was so unexpected that it took Kara a full three seconds, then spinning to look at Lena to actually confirm her suspicions, before she identified it.

Lena Luthor was… laughing?

"I should have known," said Lena, her voice loud, like Kara had told a hilarious joke at a crowded restaurant, the volume jarring, but the tone… earnest? Kara noted that most of the wine in Lena's glass was gone. Lena's laughter quieted, but the smile remained, and to Kara's best guess it appeared genuine. "I should have known, how did I not see it, all this time?" Lena continued, and - half bewildered, half cautiously optimistic, Kara sank down into the chair beside her.

"All those times you had to leave suddenly, during a conversation, or called away without warning, dashing out of work… just "happening" to become friends with Supergirl so she'd give you, and only you, exclusive interviews for Catco…" Lena rattled off her points like she was checking things off a mental list, and Kara realized that she was nodding along, confirming each one.

"You're not mad?" Kara blurted out when Lena stopped to draw a breath, and Lena paused. There was still the hint of a smile on her lips, but there was something more serious in her eyes. There was a beat before Lena answered.

"I was," she said simply, and to Kara it felt like a gut punch. Kara swallowed.

"Was?"

Lena shrugged a little, but Kara knew her well enough to see that it was just an imitation of nonchalance. "I'm a Luthor," said Lena. "We're the jealous type. Short fuses run in the family." The tone was light, but Kara knew that her meaning was anything but. Lena hated acknowledging any similarities between herself and the rest of her family.

"But…" Kara struggled to reconcile the idea of Lena Luthor angry with the collected, even-gazed woman who sat before her. "I've seen you angry," Kara said. As Kara and as Supergirl. Now you know I have the memories of both, that we are one and the same. "…And this isn't what it looks like." Lena didn't respond aside from raising one eyebrow, and Kara sighed and tried again. "Why were you jealous? And why… aren't you anymore?" she asked.

"James knows, doesn't he?" Lena said, and Kara confirmed it with a nod. Lena thought for a moment. "Winn did, too?" she ventured, and again, Kara nodded.

"And Alex, of course," said Lena. She rolled her eyes a second. "Wow, your sister is literally in charge of the DEO and works with Supergirl on a daily basis. I really should have put it together based on that alone." She actually looked mildly frustrated with herself.

"If it makes you feel any better, I did put a decent amount of effort into concealing it from you. From everyone else," Kara finished hurriedly, and Lena nodded in acknowledgement, but seemed a bit sad regardless.

"With you, James, and Winn, it always seemed like there was something you knew that others didn't; when I came into the picture, I chalked it up to your friendship with them having started long before I came along. With Alex, well, she's your sister, she's probably known forever. I just…" Lena sighed, and her eyes, which had been fixed on something off to the side, now looked up, right at Kara. "I'm not jealous anymore, because - " she stopped, started again. "You've taught me a lot about empathy, and I'm trying very hard to channel that right now."

Kara felt a blush rising in her, even as she waited for Lena to finish what she had to say. "Why didn't you tell me?" Lena said after a few seconds. "You're my best friend, and now we're…"

Something more? Kara thought, but Lena didn't fill in the blank, instead letting it hang in the air.

Kara searched for words, but nothing seemed right. Before she could come up with something, though, Lena kept talking.

"Don't give me the whole 'you wanted to protect me' thing," she said, shaking her head. "You know I can take care of myself, and besides, you told Winn, for crying out loud. You could have made it work. We could have made it work."

We. Kara's heart ached, hearing that, but Lena wasn't done.

"I mean, I understand why you need to keep it secret in the first place. You can't just have everybody knowing, it would paint a target on your back. And if you lived as Supergirl all the time… you'd have no peace. God, that must be exhausting, looking out for everyone else, all the time." Lena stopped for a second, the empathy written clearly on her face, and to Kara it seemed like she was deliberating on how to finish this thought. "You needed a life of your own, I can understand that," she finally said, her voice a little quieter now. "That's why you live as Kara Danvers."

"I am Kara Danvers," Kara said, slowly, taking care that she didn't come off defensive or abrasive. Just be honest. "And I'm Supergirl. I'm both, one isn't more true or more "me" than the other."

"Yes - all right, okay," said Lena, taking this in, "But… do you not trust me? Is it because I'm a Luthor?" Her voice cracked, and Kara's heart broke. Lena looked so small, in that moment. So different than how she presented herself to the world, one high-heeled foot in front of the other, blazer, sharp eyes and sharper wit, a plan for every possible outcome, ten steps ahead of everyone else in the room, ready for anything. Stronger than most. Here, she sat across from Kara in Kara's sweatpants and sweater, hair tussled from their bouts on the couch earlier in the evening, shoulders hunched a little, eyes cast away from Kara's.

She's looking inside herself for something that went wrong, Kara realized. She thinks me not telling her is her fault, somehow. It was Lena's instinct, after being raised as a Luthor, seeing what her brother became, then her mother. She knows that she's not responsible for their actions, but part of herself still feels like she is owed some of the blame for things that go wrong that are outside her control.

Well.

I can't be Lena's therapist, Kara reasoned, or heal a lifetime's worth of that kind of ingrained thinking overnight. That healing was Lena's responsibility, and she knew it would happen in time. But she could fix this, set this one point of anxiety at ease, right now.

"What? God, no," Kara said, and Lena looked at her. Kara didn't give her a chance to jump in, instead continuing on quickly, confidently, earnestly. "Lena, I didn't tell you that I was Supergirl because…" she swallowed. "Because I was being selfish. When we met, I didn't know we'd grow so close, and then we did, and I was so happy about it." She saw a tiny smile playing at the corners of Lena's mouth, and she kept talking. "I was happy because I'd found someone who seemed to understand me, who I enjoyed spending time with and felt comfortable around… and then I started working with you as Supergirl, and that added a whole new dynamic to everything…"

The words were coming faster now, spilling out of her mouth, and Kara didn't think she'd be able to stop them if she tried. "And you were amazing in that capacity too, even if we didn't always see eye to eye on how to tackle problems, and as time went on and we handled more crazy disasters, always something new, I wanted to tell you, but I was afraid that it was already too late, that if I ever sat down to explain it all to you, you'd hate me for not telling you sooner, when it was actually a big step for me to tell anybody at all, and with you everything was just so… good, both when I was Kara and Supergirl, you liked both sides of me and I was selfish," said Kara, realizing her voice was loud, that she was almost yelling, that there was more emotion behind it than she had been meaning to let through - I wanted to keep it together, damn it, why is this so hard for me to say?

Because you don't ever let yourself be selfish?

Because you always put the people in your life before yourself?

Because even back on Krypton, when Mom put me in the pod, she told me to look after Clark, and I did as she said, even as I wondered - hurtling through space, I was a kid, with the rubble and ruin of my dying planet behind me - who was going to look after me? The Danvers family had, they'd taken her in, made her one of their own, and she was forever grateful, and loved them with all her heart, but her Kryptonian identity had always been a balancing act that they'd navigated together. When she'd met Lena, yes, there had been some balancing, what with the 'secret identity' bit, but when they were together? She was on solid ground, she knew where she stood.

"I was selfish because I didn't want to lose you," Kara half-spoke, half-yelled, which didn't even make any sense because Lena was right there, right in front of her. Kara could feel the heat in her face, the emotion in her throat. No tears. Not this time. Not going to happen. When Kara next spoke, she heard her own voice drop several notches in volume, back down to conversational, then a little quieter. "What we had was always so good, and I didn't…" she faltered.

"Have," Lena interjected.

"I - what?" Kara said.

"What we have," Lena said, reaching across the table to take Kara's hand. Their fingers interlocked, and Lena smiled down at them briefly before looking back up at Kara. "Not what we had. Present tense, not past."

What we have. It took Kara a second to process what Lena was saying, as she gazed back into Lena's eyes, heard the words.

"Have? So that means - "

"Kara, you're not losing me tonight," Lena said, giving her hand a little squeeze. Lena paused; to Kara, it looked as though she were considering her next words very carefully, taking each one and turning it over several times in her mind before letting the syllables touch the air.

"First, thank you for trusting me with this," Lena said. "Even if the circumstances through which this conversation came about were…" she raised an eyebrow, glancing back towards the couch.

"Oh, trust me," Kara let herself laugh a bit, and it came out nervous, but - hopeful? "That is not how most people find out. Anyone. That's not - I mean, you're the first to see… to find out like… like that…" her tongue tripped over the words, and Kara knew the blush had reached her ears now, too. Yes, Lena Luthor, you're the first to find out that I'm Supergirl by seeing the uniform as you're trying to undress me.

Lena looked distinctly amused, and she cleared her throat to continue. Grateful for the interruption, Kara fell silent.

"Second, you know how hard it is for me to open up to people, and what you said about me liking both sides of you… you saw both sides of me too, the side I show people at L Corp, at CatCo, and the side that knows that no matter how hard I push it down, I'm a Luthor and that's an inescapable part of me. Most people run. You didn't," she said.

"And third, you're right," Lena said, holding her hand a little tighter, eye contact unwavering, and Kara felt her heart do a gymnastics move. "What we had - what we have - is good. Really good, Kara, and tonight has been…" Is that a blush in her face too? Kara's heart did another few flips. Tonight has been what? Come on, Lena tonight has been…

"I'm really, really glad I came over tonight," Lena said, and she took a deep breath. "I like being around you, and I like being with you, and I really liked kissing you, Kara," she finished, a little rushed at the end.

When had the sleet outside turned to snow? There was still a rushing sound outside the apartment, but Kara could tell it was from the wind, and in the absence of the thunder of sleet on the windows, the pauses in their conversations felt so… cavernous. Whole worlds could fit inside those pauses, worlds of hope, worlds of uncertainty, worlds of want - and they did.

"I liked kissing you, too," said Kara, and the grin that alighted on Lena's face was so quick to come, such an immediate reaction, that she felt a mirror expression dance upon her own, and Kara laughed. "God, what are we, fifteen at a school dance?" she said, and Lena laughed, too.

"My high school dance would have been a lot more fun if I could've brought you," Lena said, light gleaming in her eyes. Then she sucked in a little breath and rose quickly, pushing her chair out from the kitchen table, features glowing with what Kara recognized as the sign of a new idea.

"What is it?" Kara asked, and Lena grinned before turning and rummaging through the pockets of her coat, which hung by one of the hooks on the door. She pulled out her phone and fiddled with it for a few seconds.

"Lena, what are you - " Kara started, then stopped as a song began to play.

Don't go changing
to try and please me
you've never let me down before…

"Wow, Billy Joel, nailing it with the lyrical relevance," Kara quipped as Lena set the phone down on the kitchen counter, turning the volume up as high as it would go. "Little before our time, though, isn't it?"

"Didn't you tell me one time that your dad - the one on Earth - would listen to Billy Joel all the time during the holidays?" Lena said, spinning and crossing the room to Kara.

"I - well, yeah, he did, but I must've told you ages ago," Kara said as Lena stopped in front of her.

"Well, when you talk, I listen," said Lena, biting her lip, and Kara's heart fluttered all over again.

"Kara Danvers," Lena said, smiling, then pausing a second, Billy Joel continuing to sing in the background, "Or would you prefer Sup-"

"Just Kara," said Kara quickly, and Lena smiled again.

"All right then. Kara," she said with a flourish and a curtsey - how can she made a curtsey look elegant while she's literally in pajamas - that made Kara giggle, "May I have this dance?"

Kara looked up, taking in the sight of the woman who stood before her. Lena's little bow, now, offering her hand to Kara. The shape of her lips, the question in her stance, the anticipation. It was the start of… something. Something new.

Something good.

Kara placed her hand in Lena's, and Lena pulled her up, grinning - that sideways smile - and there, across the kitchen's tile floor, with the soft, all-encompassing rush of a snowstorm just outside the windows, they began to dance.