CHAPTER 19

A/N: IMPORTANT: I will soon be having exams; please check my profile page or my blog for information on the updating schedule (probably every 7 or 10 days from today, 13th March 2008, onwards). This chapter is the last of my regular and fast updates. Also, future chapters may be a bit short.
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Severus grabbing Harry's hand in this chapter (ah, I can see your eyes sparkling…!) is inspired by the scene from the Order of the Phoenix film by David Yates, where Severus seizes Harry's hand and drags him down to the dungeons for their first Occlumency lesson.

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Severus was in a foul mood. Eyes flashing ominously, he strode through the corridors of Hogwarts castle, imagining how much he would like to kick Marius Rivers out of the castle. His Sunday was ruined; and on Monday evening, he had Potter's Occlumency lesson to look forward to. His thoughts shifted to the Potter brat. To his swollen eyes. Red, as if those eyes had been weeping drops of blood…The December morning was clear and very cold. Christmas anticipation was in the air and in the snowflakes which were falling from the sky. Severus walked on, glad to be on his own, undisturbed by Marius or Potter. But no, he was wrong; he caught sight of a lone figure standing near a tree, watching him quietly. Potter. He stopped and stared back; he decided to have an enjoyable Sunday by giving the brat an earful of sarcastic comments and strode towards the young wizard, who did not move from the spot. On reaching Harry, however, the sarcasm died upon his lips. The eyes were again red and swollen, and the youth looked thinner than ever.

"What in Merlin's name have you been doing with yourself, Potter?" he asked.

"Nothing, sir," Harry said, but Severus could actually hear the unspoken truth; the youth was despairing and trying not to yield to his despair.

"This is nothing?" Severus asked, brushing his index finger just beneath Harry's eye. Harry closed his eyes, and his eyelashes touched Severus's fingertip just before Severus drew back his hand.

"Just – just…" he trailed away, realising that lying to a Legilimens and a man like Severus Snape was something he was very bad at.

"Are you blocking out the visions from the Dark Lord?"

Harry's lips trembled.

"I can't. I…just can't…I…" He fought against his tears, determined not to cry in front of Severus Snape, of all people. Severus grasped Harry's arm.

"You can. And you will, Potter!" he snapped. Harry gazed up at him and smiled so bitterly that Severus was reminded of his own cynicism.

"You are saying that to me? You, who have no faith at all in me?"

There was silence between them.

"Occlumency. Now. I will teach you until you have mastered Occlumency, and mastered it outstandingly! How else do you want to defeat the Dark Lord and avenge your parents' death?" Severus growled, shifting his grip to Harry's ungloved hand.

"And if you refuse to take care of yourself, such as walking around without gloves, then you will lose your strength," he added, his probing eyes noticing the raw redness covering Harry's knuckles, "now come with me."

Harry had opened his mouth to protest, but he closed it quickly and followed Severus's swift pace, nearly stumbling due to the man's urgency. Down in his office, Severus conjured a whole lot of blankets on the floor and pointed to them.

"The same exercise as last time," he said. Harry obediently removed his spectacles and shoes and lay down.

"This time, however, there will be no sounds. Close your eyes, listen to your breathing, and let go," Severus said. When will you ever let go, Professor? Harry mused, settling himself on the blankets. Severus checked that he was relaxed; he tapped Harry's tense ankle.

"Loosen every part of your body."

Harry complied.

After ten minutes, Severus said:

"You can open your and eyes and slowly…" he stopped, raising an eyebrow: the youth had gone to sleep. Severus stared down at Harry's face for a long time. Finally, he knelt next to him and simply continued looking at Harry. For one minute, Severus felt sure that Harry looked like a boy. Then he changed his mind and decided that this was a young man lying before him, the slightest shadow of a shaved beard underlining Harry's emerging adulthood. No one had ever told Severus about what happened to a boy's body when he reached puberty and started to grow up. It had been mystifying for him, seeing children's bodies and his body lengthen and sprout hair in the most awkward places; and witnessing the developing interest in the opposite sex had been all the more confusing for him, since he had preferred men from the very start of his sexual awareness. Harry Potter was a man; and like Severus, he was gay…Severus blinked. Was he actually starting to relate with Potter? Even sympathise with him? Severus frowned and stretched out a hand to wake him. His hand, however, remained frozen above Harry's shoulder, which he had been about to grip and shake. He drew back his hand. I am insane, he told himself, as he discovered himself drawing a blanket, to his own incredulity, over Harry's form. I am weak and foolish, and this is probably Marius's fault. Harry turned over on his side, hands moving up; he tucked one hand underneath his cheek and folded the other underneath his chin. Innocent, too innocent, Severus sighed inwardly with a stab of pain in his chest, and we are both branded by the Dark Lord…Severus quietly went over to his desk to correct assignments. It was nine o'clock in the morning. Two hours later, Severus pushed away the pile of essays; he leant back in his chair, rubbing his temples. Harry Potter was still slumbering peacefully. Severus shook the sluggishness off his limbs and rose, moving quietly. He could still hardly believe that he was allowing Potter to sleep on his office floor, comfortably wrapped in warm blankets. Severus was about to bend and wake him up when the young wizard stirred.

Startled, Harry realised that he was lying on the floor in the Potions Master's office; he sat up, puzzled, and held his watch close to his eyes. Eleven o'clock. Two hours? Had he slept for two solid hours in the office of the bad-tempered Head of Slytherin?

"Ah, you are awake," a silky voice stated. Severus Snape glided over to him, stooping a little to scrutinise Harry's face.

"Did I sleep here for such a long time?" Harry asked groggily.

"You did, indeed."

A pause.

Harry moistened his dry lips.

"And…you…let me…?"

The man merely nodded stiffly.

Another pause. Harry was sure that he would have plenty to write down in his diary this evening.

"Thank you, sir," he said finally, smiling uncertainly.

"Your eyes are no longer swollen," Severus remarked as Harry rose and put on his shoes and glasses. He also folded the blankets neatly.

"Leave them on the floor," Severus said, "your little friend will fetch them later."

"Dobby?" Harry asked, surprised.

"Yes – Mr Malfoy's former house elf." Harry could have sworn that he saw Severus's lips twitch in a rather smug expression. "The Headmaster assigned him to me after his sudden interest in my stock of Gillyweed."

Harry went a bit red.

"Er…how did you…uh…find out, sir? If I may ask?"

"I mentioned the, ah, disappearance of the herb to the Headmaster and suggested that the…borrower submit to a series of detentions. Albus kindly revealed the identity of the borrower to me in order to alleviate misplaced suspicions. He also suggested a compromise."

"Oh…I see," Harry said, feeling rather guilty. What if this arrangement had triggered another period of misery for Dobby?

"I assure you that you have no cause for anxiety, Potter. Dobby is hale and hearty."

Harry actually laughed.

"He has always been rather energetic," he remarked, recalling his second year and Dobby's extreme attempts to "save" his life.

"Let us begin with Occlumency," Severus said.

"Erm, can I just go to the bathroom quickly?" Harry asked, "I mean, on the ground floor." He didn't want Severus to think that he was bold enough to use his, Severus's, own bathroom.

Severus nodded curtly. Harry left and returned quickly.

"I hope you washed your hands," Severus said. Harry stared at him, shocked.

"Naturally!" he said, "I must say that I grew up with very thorough hygiene standards."

"Thank Merlin for small favours," Severus said dryly. No one had cared much about cleanliness in his own home, and he himself had been lax about his appearance until he had met Marius. After their break-up, he had not bothered, simply washing his hair with water and nothing else. And then, Dumbledore had gifted him with that hair care set. He still had to remember to cut his hair.

"Stand there, near the wall, and take out your wand."

Harry obeyed. They looked into each other's eyes, Harry preparing to resist the invasion just like he resisted the Imperius Curse.

"Legilimens!"

Harry felt his mind being invaded; then, with a sense of determination he had never felt before, he resisted, struggling with all his might. He felt himself raise his wand and utter something, but he did not know what; the next moment, a Shield Charm was separating him from Severus, and his head was filled with images flowing from Severus's mind to his; he could see a young Severus and an equally young Marius Rivers lying in bed, undressing and kissing each other…Then his head cleared as Severus lifted the charm after a few moments.

"Did you use the spell consciously?"

"No, sir," Harry answered, digesting the image he had just seen. So that was why the two professors seemed so tense around each other. They had obviously been lovers…

"You must learn to be aware of how you protect yourself; and later on, you will not use any spells or charms to defend yourself against me; you will rely on mental magic alone – on fully fledged Occlumency. And…" Severus approached Harry, black eyes boring into the green ones behind the spectacles, "you will not tell anyone what you saw or will see. The Headmaster needs his Pensieve."

"I will not say anything, sir. I swear."

"I will know if you break your oath. Let us continue."

Half an hour passed; Harry resisted valiantly, and with success; towards the end of the lesson, when he became tired, he still managed to ward off Severus's attack, although it took longer, and his protective spells – it looked like the Shield Charm was his favourite – became weaker.

"You need more stamina, Potter," Severus said, "but I see that teaching you Occlumency is not completely pointless. We will meet tomorrow. You may go."

Harry nodded and walked towards the door. He hesitated; then he turned.

"Yes, Potter? Is there something you want to say?" Severus asked disinterestedly.

"Thank you. I want to say, 'thank you'," Harry said. He opened the door and closed it quietly behind him.

Severus traced his mouth with his finger for a minute or two, his dark eyes pensive with contemplation.

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"Where were you?" Hermione asked as soon as Harry entered the common room.

"We were getting worried," Ron said, his arm around Hermione's shoulder.

"I had an impromptu Occlumency lesson with Snape, and I slept for two hours in his office after he found me outside in the grounds," Harry said.

"What?" Ron exclaimed.

Harry explained everything to them. Hermione smiled.

"Well, it looks like we can cancel the Room of Requirement sessions. But what brought on the change?" she asked.

"When I woke up, I found a blanket wrapped around me. I clearly remember lying on many blankets but not having one which covered me. Snape covered me, and he let me sleep for two solid hours in his office. He seemed…different. Is it because I defended him when that Rivers Professor was patronising him…?" Harry had told his friends about Marius's behaviour towards Severus on Saturday. However, true to his word to Severus, he did not tell them about the image he had seen only a short while before. Apart from his promise, he was convinced that Ron was gleefully spread the news about Severus and Marius having been lovers at one time. He himself was on far too familiar terms where having one's private life dragged about in public was concerned.

"I have no idea why he let me sleep in his office or why he covered me with the blanket. I guess he's trying to make an effort after all these years…Guess we're both trying to make an effort," he said slowly.

"Well, whatever it is, I'm really happy that Professor Snape and you are getting on better," Hermione beamed.

"Urgh," Ron said.

Harry didn't hear him. Inwardly, he could still see that memory of Severus and Marius as lovers. Hands unbuttoning shirts and trousers, bodies crushed together, those open-mouthed kisses…Harry wondered what kissing another man was like.

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