CHAPTER 33
"Harry, mate, are you going to turn the whole sill into some kind of Noah's ark?" Seamus asked, picking up a miniature dragon. The wooden figure spread its wings and actually puffed out a few rings of smoke from its open mouth. Ron had helped Harry perform various charms on the many animals and creatures Harry had been carving in order to make them "less passive", as Ron had said. Seamus leant forward and plucked a cow off the sill. It mooed at him.
"Cool!"
"It does look a bit cluttered," Harry agreed, shifting some of the figures to make more space.
"You can always open a toy shop if you change your mind about being an Auror," Neville observed, turning a carved owl over in his hands.
"If I have kids one day," Dean said, winking at Ron, "then I'll definitely need to visit a toy shop."
Ron wrinkled his nose at the word "kids".
"I'm simply dying to be an uncle in the near future," he said most insincerely. Harry suppressed a snicker.
"Chess, Ron?" he asked instead. Ron immediately scrabbled for his chess set underneath his bed.
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Severus flung down his quill impatiently when someone – a very familiar someone – knocked on his door. Severus strode away from his desk.
"Now what?" he snapped when he opened the door to reveal Marius.
"May I please come in?" Marius asked. He looked grim. Severus remembered reading Marius's mind and sensing a hint of something desperately unhappy – something he had decided to interpret as insecurity. When, after all, was the interpreter ever absolutely objective?
"Rivers, do you want me to squeeze your testicles again?"
Marius sighed.
"Look, I need to tell you something. Something which is important. Which will explain things about me."
Severus stepped back.
"I am amazed that you think further explanations are necessary. Anyway, keep it short and sweet, Rivers. I am busy, as you can see."
Marius uttered a bitter laugh.
"Short and sweet is what it was...and what it was for you..."
Severus's mouth thinned dangerously.
"I meant no offense."
"How could I possibly doubt your sincerity?" Severus said in a scorching tone. "You may sit or stand. Lying down, however, is out of the question. I consider horizontal positions between us quite passé, for obvious reasons."
The taller wizard ignored the withering sarcasm and sat down gracefully, crossing his legs.
"I had a love, Severus. It was before I travelled to England and ended up at Potions school. His name was Kevin. I called him Kev for short. I was seventeen, and he was sixteen. He had dark eyes – rather like yours, Severus. And a smile..." His lips trembled for a moment.
"He requited my feelings...but-"
"Ah, the obligatory 'but'. In other words, a typical story of heartbreak and the hypocrisy of love," Severus interrupted him unfeelingly. Marius glared at him.
"Please continue," Severus said.
"His parents tore us apart. He was married off to a nice sensible witch as soon as he completed school," Marius resumed with another bitter smile, "we fought tooth and nail for our relationship before his marriage. We still met while he was engaged to his future spouse. In the end, he gave in. He told me that he had to choose his family over me. I asked him if I was not family enough for him. He answered that blood was thicker than water."
"So you, who had been abused, in a manner of speaking, decided to become the abuser," Severus remarked coldly.
"Is that not what happened to you, Severus? Do you not abuse everyone within reach?"
Marius leant forward, his forehead nearly touching Severus's.
"I hate you. I loathe you. I wish I could kill you. You were a nice temporary distraction at school. I actually liked you because you were so pathetic. But later, when you became a Death Eater, you distracted me all the time. And do you know why?" Marius spat.
"Spill the beans," Severus said icily.
"Because Kevin and his wife and baby girl were killed by Death Eaters two years after I was expelled from Potions school. And you...you were...you are one of them! Tell me, you son of a bitch, did you kill them?" Marius had risen, his face set and his hands clenched at his sides. His sensual mouth was a slash in his distorted face.
Severus had become deathly pale.
"I swear in the name of Merlin that I did not," he said softly.
"And how would you have known who they were?" Marius sounded like a rabid cat.
"The Dark Lord keeps lists of the names of wizards and witches he wants captured; and two years after your expulsion, I was still a...novice, in the process of being…initiated."
"Names. Lists. Like cattle being sent to the slaughterhouse!" Marius shouted.
Severus said nothing.
Marius's features seem to cave in upon themselves, his eyes were glistening with tears.
"I don't know what is worse. Knowing the names of those who killed them or not knowing them at all. All I know is that I loved Kev, loved him like I will never love anyone else..."
"And now you see how destructive love is," Severus said harshly.
"It is the circumstances which are destructive, not love itself," Marius corrected him flatly.
Severus did not answer, choosing instead to stare into space.
"You were in love with me back at school, were you not?" Marius said.
"You know the answer," Severus bit out between clenched teeth, turning his head to look at Marius.
"You were more self-confident. Happier."
"And you most considerately undid the repairs, Rivers."
"I did not love you. As I told you before, I pitied you."
"I recall your words in vivid detail."
"It is admittedly difficult to love someone like you. Maybe even impossible," Marius said with deliberate and cruel gentleness.
"I am aware of it and do not care," Severus retorted, turning his back on Marius.
"It is so easy to hate you, you know," Marius continued in his gentle tone.
"I can say the same about you, Rivers. Well, have you finished pouring out your woes and accusing me of killing your little boy?"
"Don't you dare call him a 'little boy', you bastard!"
"Odd, considering that you refer to Potter, a full adult, as a boy."
Marius simply stared at Severus's back with hatred. Severus added:
"You are a Healer. You should therefore be aware of the art of hurting others and being hurt yourself. Why should you be astonished at being hurt…especially by someone you yourself hurt?"
"Who is talking? You are thoroughly skilled in the…art, as you call it, of hurting others," Marius scoffed with a mirthless laugh.
"Hating me and provoking me will not bring Kevin back to you. You, as a Healer, know how to heal others...but not yourself, am I right? You thought that if you became a Healer and healed others, you would be able to heal yourself through your profession."
Marius looked stricken.
"Yes," he rasped.
"It is my opinion that everyone needs a different method of healing. For you, it is finding a new love, however maudlin it may sound."
"I cannot."
"I was…much attached to you all those years ago," Severus said so softly that Marius almost did not hear him. His black-robed back was still turned towards Marius, hiding any facial display of emotions, "and I do not wish the same bitterness I have experienced to devour you."
"How noble," Marius sneered, sounding and looking like Severus for a moment.
Severus turned around and looked into Marius's grey eyes.
"Please go now. Leave me."
"I still hate you. I always will."
"That is overwhelmingly evident. Good night, Rivers."
"The only consolation I have is the following: I can be absolutely sure that no one will ever love a revolting individual like you," Marius said, slamming the door behind him as he left. Severus's face looked stricken in the gloomy glow of the lamps in his office. Then his usual pitiless mask slid into place, locking away his feelings. However, the next day – a sunny Monday – seemed to be determined to mitigate Marius's statement. Dumbledore invited him to tea and a game of Gobstones, and Harry smiled at him when he visited Severus's office for his Legilimency lesson. The young wizard was performing well, now too used to the occasional biting remark to be irritated, and Dumbledore's Pensieve prevented his intrusions into Severus's mind from becoming too personal. The youth actually teased him, asking him when he would duel in another outfit besides robes.
"I will always wear robes," Severus said stubbornly.
Harry's green eyes sparkled.
"I'd like to see you in something less…"
"Less what?" Severus asked suspiciously.
"Less…well…billowing, sort of. More formfitting. Trousers and shirt, for example."
"I think duelling skills are more important than dress code," Severus snapped. To his horror, he realised that his cheeks were becoming warm.
"One wouldn't think so, judging from your insistence on wearing robes," Harry said shrewdly.
Severus reflected for a few seconds.
"If you win our next round of Sudoku, I will consider your request. But I do not think that you will be the victor again."
"You will only consider my request? That doesn't sound very definite, does it?" Harry asked. Severus began to understand why the Sorting Hat had considered Slytherin for the Boy Who Lived.
Severus sniffed.
"I will favour you with a more definite decision once we have decided on what you will do in case I win the competition, Potter."
"And that would be…?"
"If you win, we shall both duel in shirts and trousers. If I win, we will duel in outdated but still existent costumes: topless."
Harry blinked.
"You mean…wearing only trousers?"
"Yes. Exactly. It will be good practice for you. I am anxious to exploit a prospective victory in the name of your specialised education. Duelling with bare upper portions will make you feel more vulnerable and therefore more determined to defend yourself. Well, Potter, are we agreeable?"
Harry looked him straight in the eye.
"Yes, sir."
Severus's groin began to throb enthusiastically.
"See that you are punctual on Saturday. Reread chapters six and seven of Legilimency and the Wizarding Mind. Dismissed."
When Harry left, Severus felt desperate enough to fuck the Whomping Willow.
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