I couldn't sleep

December – 26th

"Wake up you silly sleepy head!"

I didn't want to open my eyes because I knew that I would get blinded by the morning light. Since I find it very annoying, I usually let myself get used with the light gradually. But I was now at Zexion's place and there were different rules here.
"Get up you moron!" Zexion said and pushed me to the floor, "We have work today!"
The soft cushions on my back were quickly replaced with a hard wooden floor in my face and the blanket had been replaced with the cold air of Zexion's living room. I slowly sat up and opened one eye, "When does our holiday start?"

"Now, come on, you like your work, right? Why else would you choose to become a practical nurse?" Zexion asked as he looked at me. He was leaning to the couch that I had been sleeping on.
"I wanted to become a doctor, but I dropped out from med school since it was too hard," I coldly replied.
"Oh…" Zexion said, "Too much homework? I never see that as a problem."
I groaned. I didn't want to answer Zexion that question, "No, it's not that."
Zexion raised one eyebrow at first, but then he looked like he understood that I didn't want to answer his previous question. "Yeah, but still, work is kind of fun. It's not like something awkward is going to happen..."
My face turned red as I thought of Axel. I hadn't spoken to him for quite some times. Then I heard some whistling from Zexion as an insult to me so I quickly grabbed the pillow I slept on and aimed for Zexion's face. "Shut up!" I said as I threw it.
Zexion countered it with a high-kick, that wasn't really so high considering his height and then quickly slammed it down on my face.
"That reminds me that I have my yoga session today," Zexion said as he pointed a finger to the roof.
"Yoga…" I mumbled and tossed the pillow aside, "Wow that sure is manly…"
But I think that he didn't hear my comment since I glanced across the floor and saw Zexion's bare feet head towards the kitchen. I sighed and starred at the roof for a while before I heard Zexion calling from the kitchen.
"Hey, sorry for being so harsh at you, but I want to make sure that you'll be able to leave when I want you too."
"No problem," I replied with a loud sigh, "I got to sleep here for you, guess I can do that little favor of leaving when I have too"
"Want some breakfast?" Zexion asked as he had returned to the living room.
I thought for a moment, "Nah," I replied after a moment, "No thanks." I wasn't hungry at all. Zexion shrugged his shoulder and walked back in to the kitchen.

I groaned as I tried to sleep some more on the floor. But I knew that I would never fall asleep on the floor since I can't sleep with lights on. After resting up a bit I dragged myself up and solely tailed to the kitchen, were Zexion was standing and eating his breakfast, that probably was some icky soy milk among with some cereal. He was leaning close to the window, as if he was waiting for someone or something to pass by. I have no idea what he was waiting for, but I decided that it would probably be the best if I snuck out unnoticed.

"Sure you don't even want a sandwich for breakfast?" I heard a voice say as I snuck on my shoes as quiet as I could. This turned out to not be as quiet as I hoped.
"No, I'm not hungry," I replied as I opened the door, "But thanks for the thought, I'll see you at lunch." I closed the door and headed for the exit of the apartment building. Zexion was pretty lucky living on the first floor. The wind outside was chilling cold as I almost ran to the bus station to get to work as fast as possible, though I didn't look so very forward to it. I had a nightmare that I had dreamt before. It was a scarring event that actually had taken place for not so very long ago, almost 2 years or more. I suck on letting go. I watched my bus arriving at the bus station, but I didn't bother getting up and going to work so I watched the bus drive again and felt a little regret for not taking it. Ah well, if I take the next bus I'll still get to work in time.

But did I wait? No… After 3 minutes I got up from the icy bench and started to walk down the street and waited for another bus that arrived about a minute later after me. Instead of the usual 10-20 minutes bus ride to work, this ride was going to take a couple of hours. And then I would be walking for about two hours and then take another bus for one hour. So the destination I was thinking about going to would take me around one day, something that you just don't do spontaneously without planning and absolutely not during a day when you should actually be at work. But right now I didn't care about that, I just wanted to get there and have some relaxation and maybe be able to clear up my mind about Axel and what I want. I put in the ear-plugs in my ear and turned on my iPod. And instantly, almost like god's mocking me, it plays a song which reminds me of the event's victim. He was the one who made me start listening to this band. I closed my eyes and thought back to my time in med-school.

"Yo, Roxas, wakey!" I heard my roommate call as I got a pillow thrown on to my face.
"Good morning Clyde," I smiled as I tossed the pillow aside. I heard his soft laughter from the other room. Freshman year in med-school and I've already developed a small crush on my roommate, Clyde. My feelings for Axel were not completely pushed aside, but I tried to ignore those strong feelings by telling myself that Clyde, unlike him, isn't a stupid molester. I still felt the butterflies when I talked to Axel and constantly turned his requests down, as in helping him with his projects and such. Clyde was very different from Axel. He was smart, very supportive and sweet. Axel was raw, flirty and all about the fun so it was a bit relaxing seeing Clyde at the door when you return from the crazy red-haired party-boy. Just having a calm and sweet roommate like Clyde made the evenings much brighter after a hard day of studying or mingling a little with Axel and Demyx. Clyde wasn't a crazy party animal and neither was I. So unlike living with Axel, you won't get any sleep since you'll be hearing him and other people yelling and cheering, unless the party was somewhere else. If Clyde would ever stay awake an entire night it would mostly have been because of the tons of homework and projects we would get. He's the smartest freshman in med-school and he's popular among the girls. I wish I was more like him. More perfect… Clyde was perfect…

Clyde was the perfect roommate…
Perfect… Too perfect, that nobody would ever know if something was bothering him.
But everyone has a breaking point and he was reaching it with a paid speed. He began acting weird and was out very late and sometimes didn't return home at all. I got really scared when I saw a straw and a razorblade next to it. Could he be using drugs?
Then, the 24th of April arrived. It was almost summer-warm and our weeks we're cramped with test and project works. That night, I couldn't sleep. Clyde had been acting really strange lately and his sudden disappearance didn't still my concern. No, it was just like throwing gasoline to a forest fire. I had been staring at the door for over an hour and I had called Clyde's phone multiple times and text messaged Axel like a hundreds of times. I wanted to call, but what if Clyde was about to call me then? Axel had calmed me down a little for a couple of minutes but my paranoia didn't let my mind rest from worrying about what could have happened to Clyde. I'm not sure what I'm waiting for. The sound of someone turning the doorknob, the sound of someone turning the key, Clyde's voice, Clyde calling my cell or maybe even Axel dropping by and try to make me calm down?
I was waiting for a miracle. And it came.
As if someone had fired a gun shot I almost fell of the recliner as I heard the sound of someone turning the key. I darted to the door and it swung open as I was about to open the door myself. There at the doorway I saw a soaked Clyde, holding his right hand on his left upper arm and looking really ashamed.

"Clyde, where the fuck have you been?!" I shouted at Clyde as he was standing at the door. When my eyes meet his sad sky blue eyes my frustration quickly altered in to deep concerned.
"C-Clyde?" my voice quivered as I slowly moved my hand and touched his arm. To my surprise, Clyde jolted back as he flinched at my touch.
He usually didn't even care if I hugged him nor had my arm around him so was he injured? "Clyde? Are you hurt?!" My voice shook more this time as I tried to swallow the painful lump in my throat. Clyde didn't bother answering the question, but just walked in to our apartment. As I grabbed his left arm he let out a scream of pain and I quickly let go. So he was injured.
"Clyde, what the fuck?! You're hurt! How did that happen!?" I yelled at him.
"I-it's nothing…" he said, not looking at me, "I fell during a football match…"

I wasn't satisfied with that answer, "A football at 1 am, I don't think so!" I tried to stop him from going to his room for that would kill of the conversation and I would have to wait for the morning before I could ask him again.

I wanted an answer now.

I walked ahead of him and blocked the way for him in to his bedroom. "Clyde, you have to tell me what's going on."

"There's nothing to tell, Roxas!" Clyde said, "I fell and hurt my arm and had to go and have my arm checked for injuries. You have to wait for a very long time in the Emergency Room that's why I'm home so late."

"God damn it Clyde, stop lying!" I wanted to shake him and get the real truth. "Why the fuck are you lying?!"

Clyde pulled back from me, "I'm not lying! I fell and that's it, what more do you want, Roxas? I've already told you everything! Okay, now move please, I want to get the most possible rest I can have for tomorrow when I'm returning to my parents for this week."

"Come on! Clyde, why won't you tell me what's going on?!" I almost begged him.

He sighed of frustration, "What more can I tell you? I fell and waited for hours in the ER! Are you happy now?!" He asked.

I knew that Clyde tried to escape from me and if he didn't want to tell me what's happened to him, I'd just have look at it myself. I pulled his right hand from his left arm and tripped him. I quickly pulled away his jacket as I fell on top of him on the couch. I quickly jerked back when I saw his arms. Clyde slowly sat up and covered his hand again over the blood-soaked bandage that almost covered his whole left arm. I looked at the pale skin of his arms, the skin was almost as pale as snow. Pearly white as they had never been exposed to the sun his whole life. His arms were skinny, but still a little muscular. But it was the cut and burn marks that had made be backed away. His whole arms were covered in these terrifying marks. Some of the cuts were infected and one of them actually had some kind of yellow pus. Could the fact that he had so many infected cuts be why he constantly had high fever? I grabbed him by his shoulders and shook him a little, "Who did this to you?!" I yelled as hard as I've never done before.

Clyde's eyes suddenly formed tears that were fighting to run down his cheeks, but he seemed to be fighting them back. He looked down, to ashamed to be looking at me.

"Myself…" he whispered with such weak and quivering voice that made my hair rise on my entire body. A cold shiver passed down my spine and my mind went completely blank. I don't know for how long I stared at him as he looked down and continued to fight back the tears.
"Why…?" I finally got out after the long silence.
"Roxas?" Clyde asked in a quiet voice. He seemed to have gained a little more strength from the silence. But that small recovery would have been futile since he almost directly after saying my name broke down again.

"Yeah?" I asked as I carefully moved closer to him and hoped that he would look at me. And as if he had read my mind, he slowly moved his head up and looked at me with those sky blue eyes that reminds me of the summer skies when you lay down in the grass and there's absolutely no cloud in the entire sky. But my thoughts of summer and Clyde's beautiful eyes quickly died as his next sentence killed something inside me.

"Do you sometimes get the urge to kill yourself?"

A question that I certainly wasn't expecting to hear from Clyde, in fact that was a question that I didn't expect from anyone. And a question I never wanted to be asked, especially from someone I care deeply about. My mouth hung open as I wanted to say something, but my mind was completely blank and my soul felt shattered like someone threw a hand grenade through a window in to a child's bedroom.
"Wh-what?" I finally struggled out.
Clyde returned to look down again with teary eyes. Was he ashamed to let another guy see him cry? I didn't want him to feel uncomfortable around me. I wanted him to be able to feel secure and that he can be himself around me.

"Clyde, please look at me." I whispered and moved one hand and cupped his chin and slowly tilted up his head so I could see his eyes again. There was a moment of silence, but Clyde wanted to get an answer for his question so he repeated himself again.

"Do you sometimes get the urge to kill yourself?" His voice cracked as he spoke, "I do…"

I wasn't sure what to answer, "Clyde…" I said as my mind wasn't at its usual state. I was scared, I was terrified. I had always thought that Clyde was happy…

"I get that feeling almost every day. My life isn't much of a life, Roxas. It sucks!" Clyde paused for a moment. He leaned his head on my chest and I carefully hugged him, not to tight since I was afraid to hurt him, "You don't know how lucky you are. To have parents who actually love you and a nice home to go to at holidays..." The tears spilled over Clyde's cheeks and dripped into nothingness, like they've never had existed. All the anger he'd been feeling over the years just came pouring out. These feelings we're real, for both Clyde and me. And it tore me apart.

"You don't have a dad who guzzles away what little money we have on beer and porn. You don't have a mother who's too weak to stand up for herself whenever her husband beats the shit out of her. Do you know what that's like, Roxas? Do you?" Clyde searched his bright blue eyes for answers he so desperately needed, but found none.

I couldn't give him the answer he so desperately searched for. I remained silent, because it was the only thing I could do. I try to swallow the painful lump in my throat and hold back the tears. I had gotten what I wanted. Clyde told me what was wrong with him and he told me about his situation with his parents. But… I had never expected anything like this.

"Do you know what it's like to feel totally helpless, to not to be able to do anything to stop the abuse? And the fact that they were indeed fine before you was conceived in to this cruel world?" The tears were coming faster. Clyde lowered his head in defeat.

"I just wanna die." He wept and pulled me closer to him.

I embraced the sobbing Clyde tighter, "You don't wanna die, Clyde. Think of all the good things you'll miss out on!" I tried to comfort him.

Clyde sniffed and looked up. "Like what?" The tears were still flooding down his cheeks. "Give me one reason that's worth having me to go through all this hell and maybe find one small light of hope somewhere!"

I bit my lip. I wanted to tell him, I felt that I should tell him. But, I never seized that opportunity. I wanted to tell him that if he didn't want to live for himself, he could have lived for me and that I liked him more than just a friend and a roommate.
A week later everything was too late. And I told myself that I would start seizing things and just live life the way I wanted to.

If I had just told him back then… Then the whole thing would have been different he would maybe still be alive. I could've been his reason to live, he just needed a reason god damn it!
I don't think I'm being naïve that he could have been alive if I had told him how I felt, especially not after reading his suicide note.

Me holding back resulted in to a good friend killing himself eventually.

It was a tough burden to carry. To tough for such a weakling like me, so I jumped out from med-school in the beginning of my sophomore year. I promised myself when visiting his grave that I would not keep important things bottled up until they start eating me from the inside. But I haven't even been close in keeping that promise. For one thing, I never truly told Axel about how I feel for him. A good start to live up to that promise would to tell Axel about my feelings for him. And that's what I've decided what to do now.

I rang on the doorbell to a familiar apartment in the centre of town, where the apartments are expensive like hell. I knew that he would open the door, even though it was really late in the evening. I just felt that he would open the door and look at me confused and ask me what I'm doing here. I heard the lock turning and the doorknob turning as I took a deep breath and looked at my confused brother's face as he opened the door.

"Hey…" I said quietly, unsure if I should look him in the eyes or on the ground.

Sora scratched him neck, "Roxas? What are you doing here?" he asked. I quickly glanced past him in to his apartment which was full of boxes. He and Kairi would move out soon together. Sora was a mental midget with the IQ of a broken fence, but he was still mentally stronger than me and he didn't let himself be held back on living his life.

"Can I stay at your place for the night?" I asked.

Sora looked confused, "Uh, I dunno, I have a lot of boxes filling up the apartment…"

I didn't cave in for that, I was really desperate, "I can sleep on the floor! Just anywhere is fine, I have absolutely nowhere to stay…" I carefully looked at him, "Please? I can help you move the boxes tomorrow?"

Sora sighed and made a hand gesture for me to come in. I guess I was saved this night too, but I knew that I couldn't go on like this forever, constantly crashing at other people's apartments. But this was the only thing I could do at the moment and pray that things will clear up soon, especially my mind and my situation with Axel.