Today it snowed for quite a while. Though all the snow melted I thought about it almost being an entire year since I began writing DH. It feels weird even writing it now sicne I haven't showed it totally to the side and stopped writing it. Sure, I've taken long pauses but I never really stopped writing on it. So here it is dudes, enjoy!
Wednesday – December 27th
"You can just put that over there by the table, I'll save that for the last." Sora said.
I put the book that I was holding by the table that Sora was pointing at. I was helping him to pack the last boxes as a thanks for letting me stay over the night. I deeply wished that this would be the last time that I mooched over at someone else's place. But I doubted that it would be the last time. I folded some of Sora's clothes that had been formed as a pile so they would easier fit in the moving boxes. There was not so much too pack left, probably a few boxes, but we had been packing for a few hours and still it didn't seem that the amount of stuff we packed grew smaller. I was now moving the folded clothes into the box marked 'clothes' and closed it after putting everything inside. I grabbed the silver tape and taped it over the springs just to make sure that nothing would fall out from the box while it's in the moving truck. I was quite annoyed though that I was doing most of the work while Sora was resting on the couch. He seemed to be in deep thoughts or just ignoring my voice since everything I said just seemed to go through one ear and out the other. But right now I couldn't care less, since we made a deal to pack at least 3 boxes before we go out to lunch. Thank goodness my holiday started today, even though it's just 'til January 5th. I should be happy for at least 10 days rest. But I almost felt like going to work tomorrow anyway. Maybe I'll call Xenmas, to take the day off some other time later. But that would probably make me sound like an ass-kisser, which means more reasons for Larxene to make fun of me in front of everyone. I wish I could make that woman shut up, but she just doesn't seem to have an off-switch. I taped the last box and looked over at the clock still hanging on the wall. 12:24 p.m. It would be a good time for lunch now.
"Hey, Sora, let's go get lunch," I said and got up from the floor.
He yawned and looked at me, "Yeah, okay…" he replied and I pulled him up from the sofa.
Sora was as slow as usual when it comes to leaving home to get outside. First he couldn't find his keys and thought that he might have packed them down by accident so we had to look through the box that Sora had packed and then it turned out that they were lying on the sofa. Then he couldn't find his jacket, which he had put in another room, and last was his whining about that his hair looked so messy so he locked himself in the bathroom to fix it. Well finally we were outside and I looked at the train station Sora almost lived next to. It still hadn't crossed my mind that I decided to go to another town when I actually had work that day, but luckily Xenmas bought that I was sick. He answered that I should rest up and be completely recovered when my holiday end since I've been acting strange according to him. Wouldn't exactly surprise me if I had, considering this whole thing with Axel that's been bugging me.
"Ey, are you in the mood for some sushi? Or anything Asian at all?" Sora asked me. I snapped out from my thoughts and nodded, "Yeah, sushi would be good."
The place we decided to eat at was jam-packed with people from wall to wall. But luckily, there were two seats next to each other which my brother and me filled up. It was my first time at these convoy belt sushi restaurants and asked Sora how it worked here.
"It's easy, when you see something that you want on these plates you take them. And then you pile the plates next to you and then pay for the number of plates you have and of course what plates you picked." He explained to me as he grabbed a pair of chopsticks to me and to him. I took the ones he had gotten for me and pulled them out from their white paper cover. There had been quite sometime since I ate sushi, but I really liked it. Sora hated it at first but since I always nagged on him how much I wanted to eat sushi he eventually got used to the taste. I used to eat sushi with Axel and Demyx but…
"Roxas, all of your favourites has passed and you didn't even glance over at them once, is something wrong?" I heard Sora ask.
"Nah, not really, I just thought about when we were small and you hated sushi." I said jokingly and grabbed a dessert plate, "I miss the fact that it was so simple when you were little and how much I miss that."
Sora looked at me and blinked a couple of times, "Oh? I always thought that it was you that hated sushi when we were small…"
"No, Sora, it was you," I said and groaned, "I clearly remember that you didn't want to eat your sushi since you didn't want to eat raw fish."
Sora looked at me and blinked a couple of times, "Uh, yeah, that does sound like me…"
I sighed. One of the biggest differences between Sora and me was dumber and slower. Well, at the surface it was one of the biggest differences between us… I guess below the thin surface I'm weaker, negative, hypocrite and much less successful than him. He has his own TV-show and me… Well… I would be studying to become a doctor if I hadn't quit med-school. But the whole thing about Clyde killing himself and that I could have done something to prevent it but didn't just made it too hard to be in school, in the same room where he had been and the room were Clyde had killed himself. I didn't have enough education for a doctor so I had no choice than working as a practical nurse since I really do want to work in medicine.
"I heard Naminé got a new painting job at the hospital."
Once again, Sora brought me back from my thought to reality. I didn't quite hear what he said and asked him to repeat what he said as I tried to poke the dessert in to my mouth. I felt hungry but something inside me didn't want me to eat.
"Naminé, she's a painter you know?" Sora said, "I heard that she's going to paint the children's playing room and some other rooms in the hospital. You didn't know that?"
I shook my head, "No. No, I didn't," I replied and tried to force in some more dessert. Some time passed without the both of us saying something. I could hardly finish of the whole dessert when Sora had already gotten quite a pile next to him. I didn't dare to count them all since I would just question myself even more since I've been eating so little for quite some time. But then it got to quiet between us for too long and then I started to count how many sushi's he'd eaten. When I got to 13, Sora interrupted me.
"You know, she kinda misses you." He said.
"Who?" I asked and looked up from Sora's plates at him.
He looked a little annoyed as he raised one eyebrow, "Naminé," Sora said, "Roxas, what's the matter?"
"What?" I asked.
Sora sighed as he moved the sushi on his plate with his chopstick, "Naminé," he repeated, "She got a painting job in the hospital."
I thought for a moment, "Oh yeah, I heard that they were planning to re-paint at the children's hospital."
"Uh-huh, she's going to paint there and somewhere else." Sora said as he grabbed another plate with two sushis on.
I continued to look at his plate and him eating. I wondered why I couldn't eat.
"You know, I don't think it's manly to be on a diet. You can just exercise some more, you're too skinny anyways."
I was shocked by the words Sora said, "Excuse me?"
"Well, you barely eat anymore," Sora poked at his sushi that he's practically done all the time except for when he's eating.
I wasn't sure why, but I got upset of what he said. "I eat!" I almost yelled at him.
"Barely," Sora said without looking at me, "That's why I wanted to take you out for lunch."
I sighed with some frustration still left inside me, "We could just have eaten at home, ya know?"
"I know," Sora said and finally looked up from the plate at me, "I just thought that if you'd might appreciate to eat your favourite food."
I'm not sure what it is, but when you look into Sora's eyes at anytime, you just can't stay mad at him. I wonder if he's aware of that, nah, probably not. Sora has always said that he goes after personality when it comes to girls and Kairi's always been there for him.
"I don't know," I finally replied, "I've been so down lately so I've never been in the mood to eat. I stopped eating regularly after some time, I guess…"
Sora sighed, "Well, no one's life is perfect. There's always some problem bugging you. The difference is how much you let yourself be bugged by it."
"Well, Sora, not everyone's as carefree as you," I said, trying to restrain as much jealousy as possible from that sentence.
Sora finally ate one of the two sushis on his plate, "Another difference between us is that you easily show that something's bothering you."
My first reaction was to laugh it off, but in the middle of it I realized that it was true. And not only that, Sora was acting really weird too, like something was bugging him really hard.
"Look Sora, I only need a little more time to get my life sorted up again," I said, hoping that it would calm him down a little and he would return to the happy, skipping and stupid brother that he was.
"It's not just that you know," Sora sighed.
I looked at him, not sure what to say, so I guessed that shoul wait for him to continue.
"It's… It's about Kairi… I-I'm having doubts about moving in with her."
I had absolutely nothing to do. Sora said that I should spend some more time thinking by my own and that he could ask Riku to help him instead for me. But, I wouldn't have so much against helping Sora some more since I absolutely didn't have anything or anywhere to go. Mmyeah, not precisely but… I picked up my cell phone from my pocket again and saw that Demyx had called me four times. I have nothing against Demyx, it's just that, he LIVES with Axel, KNOWN Axel for much longer than I and probably even a better friend to him. Not that I'm surprised about it, people call me cold and distant. But still… I think Riku's colder than me, but maybe that's just on the outside.
My cell phone plays its tune once more. I decide to ignore once more. If he calls one more time I'll answer it. I had my hands in my pocket and held the spare key that I've gotten from Sora if I had no place to sleep tonight again. But he told me to try to find somewhere else to stay but if I didn't find any place, I could crash on his floor again. As I was walking around outside with really nowhere place to go, I felt like I wasn't needed or wanted somewhere anymore. I walked up to the rusty railing which protected people and bikes parked nearby to fall into the dirty, polluted and full of pee river. An annoying flashback from med-school popped into my head. The polluted river runs through the whole city but my flashback shows a place on the other side of town there's a bridge where teens like to get drunk or bake in the sun. A Friday night, freshman year, all of my homework was finished just as Axel bolted through the door and nearly gave me a heart attack. He was all happy and excited as he always was on Fridays because that's his 'party day'. It seemed like I was his main and favourite target to unleash all his crazy excitement on, so I was used to that Axel would show up randomly at my and Clyde's room without getting invited in. But what I didn't know at that time that this time was going to be a lot different from his usual happy attacks, for this time when he was finished he said:
"Come with me!"
Come with me… I closed my eyes as I wished that I could re-live that moment, wanting to grab that hand he was holding out for me after finishing his sentence and I just sat there staring stupidly at him.
"Axel…" I whispered quietly under my breath and hid my face in hands. Another attempt to hide my feelings inside and not wanting anyone to know or see what I'm feeling.
But it's hard to cover up on the outside when what's on the inside's about to implode. I hated it back there that I let myself get talked into it and come with Axel to that goddamn bridge. It was freaking cold and my fingers quickly got numb. When I talked my voice often broke since my throat was all dried out by the cigarette smoke that was going in to my lungs from unknown people's cancersticks. I was so thirsty but it was only alcohol drinks that I could get from people I have no idea of who they are and god knows what could be in them considering I saw one guy pee in a bottle a couple of meters away. The annoying sound of drunken people screaming and peeing into the river gave me a massive headache. Oh, god, I hated it, I hated it so much! I just wanted to get the hell out of there because I felt so uncomfortable and forgotten, until,
"Want my jacket?"
"Huh?" I broke out from the massive chain of negative thoughts and looked at Axel who sat next to me.
"You seem cold and bored. Do you want my jacket and grab something to eat someplace else?"
I leaned more on the railing and put my arms down. Goddamn how much I miss him. I've never felt so torn in my life. I can't bare the shame to look him in the eyes or even cast a quick glance over to his side without having mental pictures of when Axel opened the door right in the middle of the raping act. He saved me, but it feels like I let him down, that I caused it. But I miss him so much, I want to be with him, hold him and tell him how I feel. I looked down on the flowing water. The water reflected an almost brown-orange colour from the sparkling sun. Beer cans and other trash had been washed up to the stones at the sides of the river by the waters current. The question of Axel maybe had tossed that beer can in to the river crossed my mind. I quickly let that thought go as I sighed and lowered my head down to my arms. My skinny arms… After what Sora said today, I've been more conscious about m body's condition. I caused it myself but I hated it. I almost felt like tearing my arms all open but knowing that it would do me nothing good I had to be content with leaving pale nail-marks on my skin through all piece of clothing I was wearing. Then I felt something vibrate in my pocket. I already knew what it was before it started to play its melody. I dug up my cell phone and quickly unhooked Sora's spare key which had gotten stuck on my Pikachu cell phone jewellery. I've won this on an amusement park when I was with Sora, Riku, Kairi and…
"Naminé?" I was surprised by the name my cell phone displayed. It wasn't some kind of trick my mind played, it clearly said on my cell phone display 'Incoming call – Naminé'.
I hesitated a little but ended up answering it after a few seconds.
"Hello?" I answered with a monotonous tone.
"Roxas!" a sweet and familiar voice said, "How are you? It's me Naminé."
"I'm fine, I guess," I replied. First lie in the first minute of a conversation, I don't think that's so good, "Uhm, how are you?"
"I see… Oh, I'm fine!" Naminé replied, "You see, the reason I called was because—"
"Oi, Nami, give me that!" Naminé was interrupted. A rustling noise was heard, "Hey Roxy!"
I was now speaking with someone else and I knew who.
"Hi Lar," I said with a bored tone.
"Aw come on Roxy! You might have screwed up the possibility to have the fuckbuddy you've dreamt all your life about having to take your dear pussy virginity. But there's a ton of other gay fish in the sea, ready to crack your butthole any day!"
I placed the cell phone a couple of centimetres away as Larxene started to laugh her ass off. I heard Naminé gasp and tell Larxene that her behaviour was really rude.
"You're drunk," I replied after her laughter had calmed down a little.
"And you're gay!" she said and started laughing loudly again.
"Hey, hey! Lar, give me the phone!" Another voice said. "Hey Rox!" The person said after some rustling noise. I could still her Larxene laugh in the background.
"What the fuck Demyx? You're having a party or something?" I asked.
Demyx remained quiet for a while as if he was thinking, "Yeah, sorta. Maybe something like that." I got as an answer a few seconds after the silence.
"Are you drunk too? And what's Naminé doing there?" I asked as I was getting a little worried about Naminé being at a drunken party since she's not that type.
"Oi, Naminé!" Demyx called, "Roxas wants to talk with you again!"
More rustling… "Hello, Rox? I'm sorry we got sidetracked," Naminé apologized, "Yes, there's some kind of party at my place and half of the people are drunk and people I have no clue of who they are. I'm scared, could you please some over?"
"I'm on my way to the bus station, right now!" I replied.
"Good," she said with a lot of relief in her voice, "But please! Hurry, I'm getting freaked out!" and with that, she hung up and I started to run to the nearest bus station.
"Hey! Roxas!"
I was greeted in quite an uncomfortable way. A drunk Demyx almost fell on top of me as he opened the door.
"Geez, Demyx, you're this drunk on a Wednesday?!" I said as I caught him.
"Happy holidays dude," Was his reply as he dozed off. I almost dropped Demyx, I kinda wished I had, when next person arrived to greet me. She was probably a bit drunk too but still in control.
"What's up gay boy?" she had a mischievous and evil smile plastered on her face. I swallowed hard as I tried to stay cool while dragging Demyx around her, "Hey Lar-Lar."
"So, what are you doing here?" she asked and played with the wineglass between her fingers.
I thought for a while to try to see if it was a trick question. "Namine called me."
"Oh?" Larxene said in a surprised tone, "Did she tell you why she called?"
"She said that the part had spun out of control and that she was frightened."
Larxene laughed a little. "Don't worry about that gay boy. I overheard what she said to you so I stepped up and kicked out some people from here. But since you're here you can always stay and talk with Nami."
"Sure," I said. But as I began to move something I was holding became heavier and I really had trouble of holding half of his body up. Larxene looked at Demyx with a disguised expression on her face, "Why don't you just drop him?"
I wasn't taking orders, I really felt like dropping him so when she suggested it I let go of him without any hesitation. I followed Larxene in to the living room and couldn't help but to take notice of the interior design it had. She really liked white furniture huh? Maybe not the best choice to have when you throw a party of such high magnitude.
"Roxas!" A blond girl jumped up from the couch and ran up to me. Thankfully I had some balance in me which prevented me from falling over when she suddenly hugged me, "You came! I'm so happy!"
"Say, Namine, is this that Roxas fella' you were talking about earlier?" someone from the couch asked. He had blue eyes and blond hair. Something that caught my attention was all the ear-piercings he had.
"Who are you?" I asked without thinking about sounding more polite.
He got up from the couch and reached out a hand for me to shake. "I'm Luxord, a psychologist at the same hospital you're working on. I'm pleased to meet you."
I reached out my hand and shook his hand, "Well, I'm Roxas as you guessed. Pleased to meet you too…"
Man… That guy really knew how to make you feel small and insignificant by being so cool and polite.
"I met Namine for not so long ago," he continued, "She's currently re-painting the ward I'm working in, but you were probably already aware of that."
"Yeah," I said and thanked Sora mentally for telling me that earlier today. If he hadn't I would just feel more stupid and wonder what the hell kind of a friend am I. "Yeah, uh, pretty much the whole hospital is going to be re-painted I heard…"
"Hey, dudes!" A very drunk Demyx with an absolutely hideous breath leaned on my shoulder and laughed as he spoke, "I met Namine years ago when I was hanging around with Axel. Or back then I never talked with her with her but Axel said that she was your girlfriend back then, is that true? So you're actually not gay but bisexual?"
As he continuously poked me on my cheek I felt my face grow warmer for each poke until I slapped away his hand and mumbled something about him being too drunk and that he should sleep.
"Oh yeah… That's about the time when Larxene became Axel's sex friend too," he continued with.
The embarrassment I felt vanished as I heard those words coming from Demyx's mouth. I looked at him and hoped for him to laugh out loud and say that he was just kidding and that my reaction was so worth the punch he was going to get from me. But instead he was rubbing his temples and looked as he was thinking intensively.
"Yeah, totally! That was when… and then… yeah, she was pissed when he 'broke up' with her. You see, they weren't together per se, but Larxene actually really liked him. That's what I heard. But that was just a rumour, but some rumours are true so… you never know which one to believe…I heard that she hates the ones that she everyone she saw Axel being friendly with. Maybe that's why--"
And it was then Demyx drunk blathering was interrupted by Larxene's high kick. And then she dragged him away from the scene.
I wasn't sure what to think. He was so obviously drunk that what he said may just have all been baseless conjecturers but… There were just those things he said that I've been thinking of before that made me feel like they were confirmed. But the fact that Larxene had actually had feelings for Axel made me really uncomfortable.
"Eh-Excuse me," I said as I walked to the balcony. I felt really nauseous and needed fresh air.
I leaned on my elbows on the railing but I wasn't left alone as I hoped I would be.
"Hey, how are you taking all of that Demyx said?" Naminé asked as she approached me carefully.
"...I dunno, I just feel like I shouldn't care about it as much as I do," I said, "I mean, everyone do stupid stuff in collage..."
"Hmm, it's tough, huh?" Naminé said and closed the door behind her, "But you know, all of that is in the past and surely both Larxene and Axel don't have any kind of left over feelings for each other..."
"How do you know that?!" I asked angrily. There's no way I was going to be pitied in this situation.
She sighed silently and closed her eyes for a while before she looked at me once more, "Collage was years ago, do you really think that foolish teenage love lasts for that long?"
"Then what about me and my feelings for Axel?" I groaned.
"Oh, come on Roxas! Don't tell me you haven't been interested in someone else since Axel!"
Clyde.
That name sent nasty chills down my spine in a second. I just felt like one of those picket fences that gotten kicked down by a child. I must have looked terrible for Naminé looked at me like I had gotten a seizure or something else traumatic.
"Roxas, what's wrong? Are you alright?" She asked with a fretful look on her face. She grabbed my shoulders and shook me gently, "Roxas?"
"I… I-um… I'm fine… I just remembered that I have to be somewhere…" Where dumbass?! You don't have anywhere to go! "Ah… Excuse me," I said and walked pass her and quickly through the living room, trying not to look at the drunken people on the couch. At the door I grabbed my jacket and put it on but before I could even reach for the handle something else caught my attention.
"Roxas, wait!" I heard Naminé call out behind me, "Where are you going?"
Yeah, where am I going? Out of here of course, but if I said that I would most likely hurt Naminé's feelings. It would be better if I just told her some location.
"I'm going to Sora's," I said, "He needs a little help packing the last things into the boxes."
"Ah, ok… I see…" Naminé said with a hint of sadness in her voice. She looked down on the floor for a brief second before she looked up at me again. "Uhm… C-Can you call me tonight?"
"Hum, sure." I replied.
"It's just that we have so much we need to catch up on," Naminé added quickly. She looked like was about to fall over. I smiled weakly. That was the Naminé that I remembered from when I first met her.
"Yeah, that's true," I said and gave her a real smile this time, "I'll call you later, bye!" I opened the door and left Naminé's apartment. Well now that I'm out of there, guess that I could really head for Sora's apartment. I don't really think he would mind an extra person helping him to pack down the last things. Luckily Naminé lives quite near the centre of town so there are quite a few buss stations around here. Buss nr.13 goes to the other side of town where Sora lives, which actually is known for rich people living in the expensive apartments over there. Tssk, that just adds one of the other things of what my mother always complains about… that I should be moving out to my own apartment. But hey, apartments in town are expensive, there's no way I could afford one on my own… Maybe I should get a roommate or something.
I looked at the time table to see when the next buss was going and since it was after 6 p.m the busses comes once an hour. Which resulted in a loud sigh and digging after my iPod in my pocket and walking away from the buss station. I actually don't mind taking long walks every now and then, but I do get annoyed when I think it'll take less time walking than waiting for the buss when less half way you'll see the buss pass right by you. And for something even more annoying is that my iPod is running low on battery. I guess that I have to be without music for a couple of days if I don't come to the conclusion of going home which, pffft, won't happen if I'm forced to during the circumstances given.
After moping around about my lifeless iPod I opened the door to the building Sora was living in and headed up the stairs and stopped in front of his door.
"Now where is that goddamn key?"
I dug furiously through my pockets after the spare key Sora lent me.
"Argh! Where the fuck is it!?"
Someone clearing her throat excessively behind me made jump and turn around. There stood a middle-aged woman with her two younger children standing on each side of her.
All those cursing words that where endlessly flowing out of my mouth neatly crawled back inside and stayed put inside my mind as the woman glared at me as they passed by and walked down the stairs. It took me a minute to continue my search for the spare key as the woman's appearance among with her kids sent me in to a temporary blank state until what seemed to be a long time I resumed the search for the annoying spare key.
"Ah-HAH! Got'cha!" I said and held up the key in front of me and stared at it with pleasure before I inserted it in to the keyhole and gently pushed the door as I slid the key out.
It must have been the negative energy that made me feel that something was defiantly wrong.
There was something in the air that ringed the bell of uncertainty.
"Hey Sora, where's my pants?"
Briskly, I hid behind the door only leaving a small crack that was big enough for me to spy on what's going on in Sora's apartment.
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"Here they are Riku." I saw an arm and a hand give away a pair of jeans.
I felt like screaming out 'what he FUCK?!' but held my hand in front of my mouth to impede myself from doing so.
I felt that I had a mouth full of uncomfortable truths today. I didn't even want to confront them today so I gently closed the door and left the building. I had even temporarily forgotten about Larxene being Axel's fuck buddy until I reminded myself about it. Strangely enough, Sora cheating on Kairi with Riku made me feel even more anxious.
"Ah, that's just great. Where the fuck am I going to sleep tonight?" I said to myself as I hit the back of my head to the wall. I thought for a while of possible candidates of mooching a place to sleep when the obvious suddenly struck me.
I picked up my phone and re-dialled the most recent number I've called.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Namine. It's Roxas. You said we had a lot of things to catch up with right? So how about I crash at your place? That way we'll have the whole night."