A/N: Hello. Thank you to everyone for the positive feedback on the EPOV chapter. I know it was a lot more emo and guilt-wallowing, but remember; Edward is a very dramatic person and deep thinker. If you've read, at least, the first chapter of Midnight Sun, then you would understand. I don't know if I will write another chapter in EPOV, so I set up a poll on my profile so you can decide. If I DO do another EPOV chapter, then it won't be for a while, probably after certain events happen, so keep that in mind.

I really don't have much to say today, so on with Chapter ELEVEN!

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Surprisingly, Alice sighed and walked away. I knew she thought I was in love with Bella, which I wasn't. She was only my best friend. And besides, she had to be over her feelings for me. It had been two years.

It had been too long, and we weren't even on the best of terms right now. It was impossible for me to be in love with Bella… right?

Chapter 11: Lost – BPOV

What happened at the Cullens' house was… interesting. Carlisle and Esme weren't home, but I would see them tonight at their Christmas Eve bash. I was worried about going there to watch the movies. I tried to convince Alice to watch them at my place instead, but she wasn't having any of it. I knew Alice. She was probably trying to get Edward to get out of his room and talk to me. Well, he did eventually come out, while I was leaving, to say a very awkward goodbye.

Seriously, that was the most awkward thing in my life.

I knew Edward remembered what I said to him. The slip up that was a stupid mistake on my part. I could tell he was curious to get the whole story, but I was not going to crack and tell it to him. Maybe years from now, when this whole thing blows over, I would tell him what happened. But last time I checked, I was still in danger, therefore Edward will have to be kept in the dark.

When I came home after hanging out with Emmett, Alice, and Rosalie, Charlie was in the living room, watching something manly on the TV as usual.

"Bells? Is that you?" I heard him ask when I stepped into the front hall.

"Yeah." I answered.

I kicked off my boot and took off my coat. I went into the living room to talk to Charlie. I had been meaning to talk to him when I first came home, but my idiotic mistake sidetracked me. I sat down on the couch beside my father and turned to him.

"Dad? Can I talk to you?" I asked.

Charlie looked a little apprehensive, probably worried that I wanted a heart-to-heart with him. As if. Charlie and emotional instability did not mix well. He got all nervous when it came to "deep" conversations. I did a little to, so I knew who I got it from.

"Sure… What is it?" Charlie answered.

"Um… have the police contacted you? About the investigation?" I asked quietly.

He sighed and turned off the television. Oh no, this could only mean something serious happened. Did they catch Phil? Did they have a lead? Would I have to fly down to Phoenix for more questioning? I shouldn't have to. I made it quite clear that I remembered nothing.

"Actually, Bella, they did contact me. I was going to talk to you about it. They called while you were out with Alice", Charlie said calmly. How could he be so calm? Sure, I looked calm, but I knew that if you looked closely, you could see the panic rising in my eyes.

"And?" I whispered.

"They found a suspect." My heart stopped. Could it be…?

"Who is it?"

"Some guy… apparently knew your mother…" Come on, spit it out already! "Liam Griffiths. Used to be a co-worker of Renee's. They had a stressful working relationship. They said she ratted him out for doing something that got him fired a few weeks before she died."

My heart sunk. It wasn't Phil. That meant he was still out there, looking for me, waiting to pounce. This meant that nothing changed. I would still have to be careful, probably even more so since I doubt Phil would want me spilling to the authorities taking him out of the clear.

Wait, what led the police to suspect Liam Griffiths?

"Um, do you know how they got led to him?" I asked.

"An anonymous caller tipped them off. They said they saw him leaving the house around the time of the… incident."

Phil. The "anonymous caller" had to be Phil. It couldn't have been a neighbour since Liam Griffiths never came to our house in the first place, and they would all be able to recognize Phil since he was at our house everyday when he was still dating Renee.

He wanted to be safe, in a sense, so he led the police on a false trail. He also must have known that I was still alive, then. I went cold.

Would he do anything to change that?

* * *

At precisely four in the afternoon, Alice came bouncing over to help me get ready, or forcefully help me, for the party. She wanted me to look good and "Christmas-y", which I sure wasn't going to do on my own. I didn't know whether to thank her or resent her for these Bella Barbie times.

"Hey Bella!" she greeted enthusiastically. She, of course, was already ready for the party, clothes, make up and the whole she-bam. She looked gorgeous, as usual, and was holding a large white bag in her tiny arms. I suspected that held my outfit and whatever else I happened to lack in my bathroom to make me "presentable".

"Hey", I replied dully.

"Oh chin up, Bella!"

She skipped past me and bounded up the stairs towards my tiny bathroom. I followed her, but much more slowly.

Alice already had my bathroom set up the way she wanted when I finally made it over. It looked like a cool celebrity powder room with all the stuff around the sink and counter. The only thing that was missing was the lights going along the edge of the mirror.

"Come on, time for me to start my work!" Alice said, patting the seat in front of the mirror. "You've washed your hair, right?"

I nodded before sitting down and letting her commence her torture. I had basically stopped resisting her makeovers since there was no use. She would always win. Stupid Alice.

She set to work quickly, she did something, I had no idea what, to make my hair a lot smoother and glossier than before. I didn't question her methods. You never question the way of the Alice.

She then tied my hair into a low ponytail and positioned it so it draped over my right shoulder in a pretty red ribbon, then curling the hair in the ponytail. She pinned a little bunch of freesias again to the ribbon holding the curls. I didn't really get why she kept choosing freesias, but she was the expert I guess.

After finishing working on my hair, Alice then went on to make up. She kept it neat and simple, but pretty. Of course the end result was great, Alice after all was magical.

While she worked, she chatted to me about things like Jasper and how she was talking to him over the phone everyday. Of course she missed him like crazy. I felt a little sorry for her. I couldn't imagine what it was like spending one of the most love-filled times of the year without the man you loved.

"Now for your outfit! I really out did myself this time, Bella. It will look great on you and looks pretty festive." Alice said back in my room, take a long box out of the white bag she brought over.

She took out a simple off-shoulder red sweater dress that went down to my knees. It fit me well and I wore black pantyhose to cover my legs. I liked it. (outfit on profile)

After I was done getting ready for the party, it was time to go. Alice was going to follow us in her car since she drove over here. I put on the stylish black coat, courtesy of Alice, (coat on profile) and got into the police cruiser next to Charlie.

The Cullens' house was beautifully decorated for the season. I noticed a few things while I was there earlier, but now that it was dark, the lights were turned on and it looked beyond gorgeous. There were even Christmas lights spiraled around the huge ever grand trees surrounding the house. Even the giant, inflatable Santa Clause and his reindeer on the roof were lit up.

Many people were already there. Since the Cullens had so many friends and family, that the house would be full of people.

I was anxious of course. I would have to see Edward in there and it would be very uncomfortable. I would have to avoid him or he'd probably try to question me. I knew he wasn't mad at me. He demonstrated that earlier today when he said goodbye to me, but that didn't change anything. I already said too much to him.

When we entered and took off our coats, we were greeted warmly by Alice's parents, Carlisle and Esme. The two were like my second mom and dad. They had always been so kind to me and treated me like their own daughter. I had grown up with them just as much as I had my own parents, so not only did they have pictures of their own children gracing their walls, but pictures of me as well, through the years.

"Bella! It is so good to see you again." Esme said, hugging me. I returned the hug, feeling a twinge of loss and envy over Alice and her brothers for still having their mother. It was the holiday season, and I missed my mother more than ever. Seeming to sense this, Esme hugged me a little tighter before letting go.

I hugged Carlisle, who also was happy to see me, and said, "It's good to see you guys again too. I've missed your Christmas Eve parties."

"Well, Christmas hasn't been the same without you, Bella." Carlisle said.

I smiled again before following Alice farther into the house. I looked around nervously, making sure a room was Edward free before entering. I didn't know where he was and I didn't want to find out. If I could go through this night without confrontation with Edward, then it would be a success.

After greeting Emmett and Rosalie, I walked over to the beverage table to pour myself some punch. So far, so good. No sign of Edward. Maybe this would be easier than I thought.

Spoke to soon.

As soon as I was finishing that thought, I heard Emmett boom, "Hey! The Ed-meister emerges!"

Oh crap.

If he just entered the room, most likely he was somewhere near the doorway, which meant I had to pass him if I tried to leave, which meant he would see me, which meant he might try to talk to me.

Okay, so trying to leave the room is out.

Hoping he wouldn't recognize my back side, I kept my back to him while awkwardly maneuvering myself to a corner of the room. Blend in, Bella, blend in… It doesn't matter if it's a white wall and you're wearing bright red. Just blend in…

After a few minutes of nothing, I was starting to feel positive. Hopefully he really couldn't recognize me from the back. A part of me, a small part, was a little bit disappointed that Edward couldn't recognize my back. I knew my back wasn't entirely unique from any other girl's, but I thought he knew me well enough to be able to tell me apart.

But, this was a good thing. He wasn't talking to me. I didn't even hear his voice at all in the few minutes I stood there. Maybe he had even left the room altogether…

Once again, spoke to soon.

"Bella?" I heard the velvet voice say from behind me. Crap. My cover was blown. Well, it wasn't really a cover, but my back is definitely more difficult to identify than my front, right?

I slowly, and rather reluctantly turned around to face the bronze-haired god behind me. I met his eyes and the emeralds held remorse, guilt, curiousity, and… amusement? If he was amused, then he must have known I was trying to avoid him. I blushed at how stupid I must have looked, facing a wall, and how obvious. I wished I had super secret agent skills so I could leave a room without anyone noticing.

Looking away from his eyes and at the wall on the other side of the room, I said, "Hi Edward."

"Were you trying to avoid me?" he asked amusedly.

"No." I answered, and blushed at the obvious lie. At times like this, I would've hid behind my hair, but stupid Alice put it in a ponytail, so the hair curtain was out of the question.

He chuckled at me, which made me blush an even deeper shade of red. Damn this blushing!

"Sure…" he said, then there was a pause, "Um, Bella?" His tone turned from amused to a mix of nervous and sad in a matter of less than two milliseconds.

"Yeah?"

"Um, I just wanted to… apologize for… a few days ago. I didn't mean to lash out at you like that. Please understand I didn't mean a single word of what I said. I'm so sorry." He now sounded pleading that it was almost pitiful. At that moment, I wanted nothing more than to hug him and tell him that there was nothing to forgive and be friends again, but I knew that I couldn't do that.

I decided to try faking something. If I forgave him, it would make it all the more harder to avoid him. If I pretended to be mad and resentful at him, then maybe he would get the message and stay away from me. Give me space. But then again, it might do the opposite and make him work twice as hard to get me to forgive him. If there was something I was sure I knew about Edward, was that he was determined. If the prize was worth it, he wouldn't give up.

But it was still worth a try.

"Yeah, whatever." I muttered, still looking away from his eyes. If I looked him in the eyes, there was no doubt he would be able to see the lie.

I tried to brush past him, but he caught my arm, stopping me.

"You're still mad?" he asked sadly.

"Yes." I answered. "I don't care if you meant the words or not. You still said them, and you had no right to." I tried to put as much venom in my voice as possible. It wasn't easy.

"I know, and I'm so sorry." He maneuvered me so I was directly in front of him. I turned my head away. "Bella, look at me." He asked, no, commanded.

"No. Now leave me alone." I said, trying to get past him again, but his hands, one gripping each arm, held me firmly in place. How the hell was he so strong? Or maybe I was so weak.

"Look at me." He commanded again. When I defiantly ignored him, he gripped my chin with his hand, gently but firmly, and forced me to look at his face.

But I kept my eyes away from his. Ha! So whatchya gonna do about that, pretty boy? Dig your fingers into my eye sockets and forcefully turn my eyeballs towards you?

But no, he did something much worse.

"Bella, please", he begged.

Cheater. He remembered from the old days that I couldn't resist him when he was pleading with me like that. It probably made his ego inflate.

I reluctantly turned my brown eyes to his green. His eyes were triumphant at my defeat and burning with both curiousity and sadness. I guess our argument really did take a toll on him. And judging by the curiousity, he remembered every word I said.

Double crap.

He looked deeply into my own eyes, reading the emotions splayed out freely for him to see and decipher. I hated how my eyes were so expressive and he loved it. Damn him and damn my eyes.

Seeming satisfied at whatever he found, Edward said, "Can I talk to you?" he looked around. "In private?"

"No, now leave me alone. I told you, Edward, I don't forgive you." I said, but I knew he didn't believe me. He looked at me skeptically, see through my act and before I could say another word, turned around and leading me out of the room, dragging me by my arm.

He forcefully dragged me up the stairs to his bedroom. It had been a long time since I was there and despite my reluctance, I looked around to see if it had changed at all. It hadn't.

He plopped me down on his leather couch and sat down beside me. He was so pushy!

I childishly crossed my arms and turned my face away from him. He just reached out and once again, firmly turned my face to him.

"I said to leave me alone, I said I don't forgive you." I said angrily. Get the hint, buddy!

"Bella, you and I both know that isn't true." Damn it, he was right. I hated how he could see right through me. These were times I wished he didn't know me so well.

I sighed in defeat and said, "What is it you wanted to talk to me about?" Might as well get this over with. If worst comes to worst, I may have had to tell him to stay away from me out right. Of course, that is, without telling him why.

"I want you to know that I truly am sorry for what I said." Edward said pleadingly.

"I know. And I guess… I'm sorry too. I said some stupid things" Emphasis on the stupid.

"I also want you to know you can trust me with anything, okay?" He put emphasis on the 'anything', as if he was trying to coax me into saying something. I desperately hoped this didn't have anything to do with my humungo slip up.

I nodded, not saying anything.

He gently moved a loose strand of hair from my face and my heart beat a little faster from his tender touch. It was so miniscule and probably meant nothing, so… why did I react that way?

Because you still have feelings for him

Nooooo, that wasn't it… or was it?

Before I could ponder on that thought anymore, Edward started speaking again.

"Bella," he furrowed his eyebrows in indecision, "is there anything… anything you want to, want to talk about?" he asked quietly, as if he was treading on broken glass.

"No", I answered automatically. Something told me he was referring to what I had last said to him three days ago. I couldn't stop cursing my big mouth. How many times was he going to go back to it?

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

He looked away for a second, then back. There was the indecision again, and it was driving me crazy! Oh god, he was going to say something about it wasn't he? Well then, I just wouldn't tell him the truth.

"About…" he started hesitantly, "about before… you said something. About-" I cut him off.

"You can forget I said anything."

"Bella, you said something. About Renee's death… who did it. How was this 'Phil' responsible for it?" Oh jeez, he even remembered the freaking name I said. I should just throw myself off a cliff for being such an idiot. I would never tell him. Never. I couldn't.

After a minute of silence, Edward spoke again.

"Please. You can trust me, Bella. I want you to talk to me." He said the words not out of curiousity like others might have, but out of concern. He really was worried about me. Did he make the connection between Phil and my nightmares? I couldn't tell, and I wasn't about to ask.

"Did – did he hurt you?" Edward whispered.

Yes, yes he did. So much more than he could've possibly imagined. He hurt me, abused me, took away my mother. He affected me in ways that haunted me and would haunt me for the rest of my life. I wanted to tell Edward so badly right then. I wanted to cry and pour out the whole story. I wanted Edward to hold me, to comfort me and tell me everything would be alright.

But everything wouldn't be alright. I couldn't tell Edward what happened. I couldn't get the comfort and reassurance that I so badly wanted. That I so badly needed.

I would never go back to the happy teenager-almost-adult that I was. Even if this whole thing solved itself in the end, I would never be the same. And it wasn't fair. God, it wasn't fair! Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Even if Phil was caught, it wouldn't change what had happened. The effects were permanent, unchangeable. Up till now, I was in a sort of denial. That Renee would come around and take me home. That I could just be more of myself in front of my friends, in front of Edward, instead of so closed off all of the time. Today, on that sleigh ride, in those few moments I dropped my boundaries and let my self laugh, really laugh, I felt whole.

Not even the broken heart Edward left me with was as bad as this revelation I was having. At least then I took comfort that he was back in Forks, happy with his family and girlfriend. Now, there was nothing. No comfort, no reassurance. And for that, I hated Phil. This time with an even riper, more powerful hatred. He took my mother's life. There was no going back, no matter how much I wanted to.

The finality of it hit me full force. And all it took was that moment to make my raw emotions spill out into the open. Nothing would ever take back what had been done, and that alone killed me. The raw, desperate need, no, hunger for everything to be okay again, for everything to be fine, was so powerful that it left me breathless. The world seemed to be against me, and I wasn't going to win. I was going to be haunted forever. All it took was one man to ruin everything that had been set down for me. Life just kept throwing hurt after hurt at me, wasn't it?

In this moment in time when I finally came to terms with the finality of it all, I did the one thing one could do; I cried.

At first it was just a few tears spilling out from my eyes, falling into my lap. But it soon turned into full out sobbing. Have you ever had that feeling of the end? The feeling of no hope? The knowledge that nothing will ever be better, be how it was, and it killed you? No, I don't suppose many of you have. Well, it sucked. This wasn't a good epiphany, it was a bad one. And it sucked.

Through my agonized sobbing I felt two strong arms encircle me. They were full of concern, worry, and the wanting to help, but the complete lack of knowledge on how to.

But I didn't care. I needed the comfort, the protectiveness of anyone right then that I think I would even have accepted Tanya's arms- as awkward as it would have been.

I leaned into the arms and the sweet, honey scent told me it was the one person I trusted with everything in me. The one I used to love, possibly still did, and the one person who was sitting beside me the whole time.

Edward. Thank God for Edward.

Edward rubbed soothing circles on my back as I cried my heart on my shoulder. He whispered securities in my ear, but the knowledge that those comforting words would never be true made me cry even harder.

It seemed like forever before I finally calmed myself down enough to pull away. Edward loosened his hold so that I was no longer pressed against his chest, but never let go of me.

I was hiccupping rather violently from my crying. My body shook as I gulped in big breaths of air to try and calm myself further.

I turned to Edward who was looking at me, his eyes full of pain and concern. But there was something else there. As if he had an epiphany himself while I cried. As if he realized something. There was a look in his eyes that wasn't there before I had my sob-fest. A look I couldn't quite pin point. It was if my crying caused him to… see something? Nah, that was ridiculous. If my crying did anything, it made his shirt wet. Whoops.

"Sorry about that." I said, my voice hoarse with the raw cries and emotions that escaped from it. I cleared it a bit.

"It's fine", he said softly, gently wiping the remainder of my tears from my face. Despite my wretched state, I still felt the little skip of my heart beat when he touched my face. My cheeks were practically tingling when he took his hand away.

"I-I'm just so l-lost", I whispered, my hiccupping breaths causing me to stutter. I realized how pathetic I sounded and looked away. I was also hugely embarrassed. I had never acted so helpless before. I had never cried so openly before in front of anyone. What the hell was wrong with me? I already knew the answer.

"It's okay," Edward replied before almost tenderly taking me back into his arms and resting his chin on the top of my head. "I won't ask you again. You can tell me when you're ready. I just want you to know that I'm there for you, okay? You're not alone."

I nodded and relaxed in his arms. I still couldn't tell him, not yet. But… maybe I didn't have to avoid him. This friend thing could work. I just didn't have to tell him.

Despite the fact I couldn't tell him, I still trusted Edward. I trusted him with all my heart. And in that moment, I let myself relax and felt fully and deliciously whole.

Little did I know that putting so much trust in Edward was the worst thing I could have ever done.

A/N: Finally, I'm done! –wipes sweat off forehead- So, Hit or Miss?

I really don't have anything else to say other than REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW!!!

Oh! DON'T FORGET TO VOTE ON MY POLL WHETHER I SHOULD WRITE ANOTHER EPOV CHAPTER OR NOT!!! Note: If you vote 'yes', know that the chapter won't be written until after certain major events happen. So, let me know if you want to keep the rest of this story completely BPOV or if you want to throw another bit of Edward in there :D

REVIEW!!!

Peace out.