A/N: Hello. Sorry it took me longer to post this, but I'm sure we can all relate that school comes first. It's only Wednesday and my week's already been kind of hectic. I've only just had time to write today because the past three days I've been preparing for a major English test and in-class essay split over the course of two days. Now that I completed it today and I'm not overly swamped with homework (although I still have some), I've decided to write another chapter.

So, at the end of this chapter, I've added a sneak peek of my new story, "Life ain't been No Crystal Stair". No, I have not posted it yet, but the first chapter of it should be up by the end of this week at the latest. Go to my profile to read the full summary. It's at the bottom, under "New Story Ideas".

Sorry this author's note is so long, but there's one more thing I must let you know before you start reading:

This chapter is a special EPOV chapter! :D It is the previous chapter, "Lost", in Edward's point of view. I actually wasn't planning on writing this. Edward goes through a MAJOR epiphany in the last chapter and I was thinking of simply putting a flashback to that moment in the future EPOV chapter, but thanks to a reviewer (BloodyFreakin'Nightmare) who requested (or rather demanded) that I write it in EPOV, I've decided, meh, why not? Something major does happen in this chapter for Edward and it would be easier and much more descriptive if you read a whole chapter instead of a flashback.

So, without further ado (what the hell does "ado" mean anyway?), on with Chapter TWELVE!

Disclaimer: I own nothing

Recap from Chapter 10: The Reason

Surprisingly, Alice sighed and walked away. I knew she thought I was in love with Bella, which I wasn't. She was only my best friend. And besides, she had to be over her feelings for me. It had been two years.

It had been too long, and we weren't even on the best of terms right now. It was impossible for me to be in love with Bella… right?

Chapter 12: My Heart – EPOV

"EDDIE!!!"

I cursed under my breath as I heard my loud lug of a brother stomping up the stairs. He didn't stomp on purpose; he was just so big and massive that he did it naturally. Less than three seconds later, Emmett began pounding against my locked door. Thank God for door locks. Emmett didn't know the meaning of "privacy" and would come and go into your room as he pleased. Believe me; I've had quite my fair share of intrusions, especially when I was with Tanya.

Ugh. Tanya.

I hadn't heard from or seen Tanya since the break up, not that I was complaining. In fact, it would be an understatement to say I was overjoyed when I heard she was spending Christmas with relatives in Alaska instead of Forks. Knowing Tanya, she was probably very bitter from the break up and if she were in Forks, we would either try to seduce or terrorize me. If she didn't make my life a living hell, she would probably target someone close to me. Some she never liked in the first place or saw as a threat.

Someone like Bella.

But Bella was never a threat to Tanya. I wasn't saying that Tanya was better than Bella, God she was so beneath Bella, but I never saw Bella that way, so Tanya's insecurities were completely ridiculous.

Of course, that was then, and this was now.

Now… I was still utterly confused when it came to how I felt about Bella. She brought out reactions and feelings in me I had never felt for anyone before. Even the thought of her was enough to make a goofy grin spread out on my face. Of course I kept these… reactions a secret from my family, especially Alice. If I told her, there was no doubt in my mind she would go off on all that nonsense about being in love with Bella.

I cared so much for Bella, but not in that way. The thought of us being a couple was absolute ludicrous. She was like my… sister… of sorts.

I nearly jumped out of skin when Emmett started shouting on the other side of the door again. Was it just me, or was he even louder than I remembered?

"EDDIE!!! If you don't answer this door in FIVE SECONDS, I am going to break in right through the door and EAT YOU!" he boomed. Well, that was new. I didn't think he'd ever used that threat before – the eating me, I meant, not the door breaking. He broke at least four of our house doors in his teenager years. He finally stopped when Esme threatened him with no more pop tarts.

Grumbling, I got up off my couch and opened the door. Emmett looked excited, like a little kid in a toy store.

"Don't call me Eddie", I said warningly.

"That's nice Edwina," he said brushing it off with a wave of his hand, "Come on, Dad-ee-o wants us strong men to help him put up the inflatable Santa and his reindeer up on the roof." Emmett, having delivered this message, or command, scampered off.

I slowly followed him, my head down. I admit that I was acting like a little child instead of the nineteen-year-old young man I was, but I had been so frustrated, tortured, and confused the past three days, that I would not have been doing my family a favour by gracing them with my dark presence.

After dressing appropriately, I went outside to brave to cold to put up the lovely gigantic inflatable Santa and his trustworthy reindeer up on our roof. Did I mention our house was three stories high? Oh, well it is.

My father, Carlisle, was standing in the front yard, taking out the currently deflated Santa. Emmett was helping him and bouncing like Alice. I couldn't fathom how Emmett and I were related or that he was older. We were complete opposites and at times I felt like I was the older brother taking care of a little goofball called Emmett.

"Edward! Come help us unpack these things. You and Emmett can handle the reindeer. I'll take care of Santa." Carlisle called to me.

I worked with Emmett, unpacking the lovely deflated reindeer, one by one. We only had three despite Santa having more. Of course, one of them was Rudolph, bright red nose and all. What would Santa's entourage be without Rudolph?

Finally, we dragged the four things onto the roof of the house through the large window on the third floor. We would have used a ladder, but we didn't have one that was quite long enough.

The work and Emmett's bad jokes were a useful and welcome distraction from my previous brooding thoughts. I'm sure you are aware that over the past three days I had thought of Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Nothing but Isabella. It was very strange, but not at all frightening. I didn't know why that was. Instead, I would feel warm inside when I thought of my best friend. Well, I always felt warm and happy when I thought of Bella, but since I had gone two whole years without her friendship and warmth, I had almost forgotten what it felt like.

It had to be a good few hours before us strong men finally finished setting up the inflatables on the roof and adding lights so they lit up along with the rest of the decorations. It was now only about two hours before the early guests would arrive for the Christmas Eve party. Rose was already here, she had been since the little sleigh ride with Bella. She was helping Esme decorate the house and lay out beverages. Appetizers and Christmas cookies were in the oven.

Giving them both a quick greeting, I raced upstairs to take a shower and mope around until people started arriving.

When I entered my room I chuckled as I saw an outfit laid out on my bed. No doubt Alice wanted me to wear it to the party. Normally she let me choose my own clothes, but for special occasions she claimed I needed "special assistance". She was an odd little pixie. I suspected she'd already left for Bella's for Bella Barbie time.

I laughed again when I thought about Bella being tortured by Alice and beauty products. Bella hated makeovers back in high school and she still hated them now. It was one of the few things I truly loved about my friend. Most girls would jump at the chance to undergo an afternoon of primping, but she did not. She was unique.

The outfit Alice left for me was simple enough. It was a casual button down emerald green shirt and dark dress pants. I knew why she chose the green colour; it was a "Christmas-y colour and would match your eyes!" and que the squeal.

I spent more time in the shower than I probably should have. I know it's very feminine to say this, but the hot water eased the tension in my muscles and seemingly washed away from build up emotions I had been feeling today since Bella's movie visit. It was very relaxing.

When I finally came out, Emmett called me girl for taking so long before going in and showering himself. Sometimes it appalled me how considerate and non-judgmental my brother was. Really.

After drying my hair with a towel (I had simply given up trying to keep it down) I slipped on the clothes Alice left and headed downstairs instead of my room.

Esme and Rosalie were in the kitchen decorating the Christmas cookies with icing and sprinkles.

"Hey", I said shortly, snatching up a cookie and biting it before either one could blink.

"Edward!" my mother scolded. I just gave her a sheepish smile and shrug before turning around and exiting the kitchen. I was bored and I wanted to do something before Bella came around. She and I needed to talk. A serious talk. I was going to apologize for what I said and hopefully she would forgive me.

There was also another matter that concerned me.

I remembered every single word she said to me, even the obvious slip up she made three days ago.

Who was Phil? It was quite obvious that he was the reason Renee was dead, but how so? I wanted to get these answers from Bella, but I wasn't sure how to go about it. I wanted to be subtle, but this time, subtle didn't seem to cut it. I just wanted Bella to talk to me. Really talk. Like how we used to.

* * *

Guests started pouring into the house at around six in the evening and just kept coming. Of course, the whole town wasn't there, but it definitely felt like it. I mingled a while, but most of the people were middle-aged and would have rather spoken with my parents, or a giggling, inappropriate girl who for some odd reason, thought I was attracted to her. Apparently news of Tanya's and my break up had spread among the young female population in Forks and they saw it as a chance to finally "snatch" me, as they put it. I felt like they were planning a kidnapping.

It was incredibly annoying to say the least. The girls had no brains and most of them were too young for me. One was only fourteen!

Finally, having enough of this torture, I went upstairs, not to my room, but to the second floor landing, looking out the window to keep a look out for Bella. She hadn't arrived yet and I was anxious to speak to her. Not to mention that with her by my side, the high school girls would stay away.

"Hiya, Edward," a nasally female voice said from behind me. I turned around to ee another high school no-brainer walking in, I'm guessing what she thought was a "sexy" way. But to me, "stupid" was putting it lightly.

"Uh, hello…?" I trailed off at the end, not knowing her name.

"Kitty", she said when she reached my side, batting her eyelashes. Alright then…

I nodded briefly before turning back to the window, hoping she'd take the hint. I was not going to be rude to her, Esme taught me to be a gentleman, but that didn't mean I was going to give in to her obvious and rather ridiculous flirting.

"Edward?" she asked. Damn, didn't leave.

I turned back to her silently. She was like all the others, so much like Tanya actually. Amazing how I had never noticed how hooker-like Tanya always was until now.

Looking pleased that my gaze had returned to her, she batted her eyelashes in a way that made it look like someone was spitting in her eyes, and latched herself to my arm, pressing her very poorly concealed chest onto me. It should've been illegal to wear such little clothing, not because it made her look sexy, but because it so disgusting it practically burned my eyes out.

I tried to get out of her grip, but she only held on tighter. Her heavily lipstick-ed lips were slightly parted in anticipation, as if she expected me to kiss her right there. I would never. I took a closer look at her; she had shiny black hair and looked about fifteen or sixteen.

"You look delicious tonight Edward", she purred. I internally shuddered. I personally didn't like being called "delicious", but she thought it was appealing.

"I would appreciate it if you removed your hands from me", I said as politely as I could manage.

Looking surprised, Kitty released my arm, but didn't leave.

Ignoring her, I turned back to the window, only to see…

Damn it! I thought as I spotted the police cruiser parked along the many other cars in the driveway. I missed her arrival. She was already here.

Brushing past Kitty, I headed downstairs and looked in a couple of different crowded rooms, looking for Bella. I finally found her in a room by the beverage table, pouring herself some punch. I was going to quietly walk up to her and say hello, when Emmett saw fit to ruin my plan and boom, "Hey! The Ed-meister emerges!"

Damn.

I saw Bella tense soon as she heard my name. I swear I was going to snap and kill Emmett one of these days.

Resisting the urge to punch my brother, I started walking towards Bella again. But before I even got halfway across the room, she rather awkwardly maneuvered herself so she was facing the corner wall. She looked humorous, standing there in a room full of people, facing a wall.

I chuckled to myself. She was simply standing there innocently sipping her drink. She looked cute when she acted so oblivious to her surroundings, thinking she's crafty for finding some way to avoid me. It hurt a little that she was trying to avoid me, but I quickly suppressed the feeling.

After a few minutes of letting her have her fun, I walked up so I was right behind her and said, "Bella?"

She tensed up again and very slowly and reluctantly turned to me. I had to stop myself from laughing at how cute she looked.

When I saw her face I was slightly surprised how beautiful she looked. It was common knowledge that Bella was beautiful all the time, I had known that since we were kids, but with Alice's magic, she looked beyond stunning. Everything she was wearing and the way her hair was styled only seemed to heighten her delicate, feminine features.

She eyed me critically and I knew she saw the amusement in my eyes. How could she not? I was highly amused by all of her antics.

Looking away from my eyes, she said, "Hi, Edward."

Trying again to suppress a chuckle, I said, "Were you trying to avoid me?"

"No", she answered, but her lie was obvious I was surprised flashing lights weren't attached to it. She simply blushed and I chuckled, not being able to hold it in any longer.

"Sure…" I said, then paused. I wanted to talk with her, didn't I? "Um, Bella?" My tone very quickly became nervous.

"Yeah?"

"Um, I just wanted to… apologize for… a few days ago. I didn't mean to lash out at you like that. Please understand I didn't mean a single word of what I said. I'm so sorry." I said sincerely, sadness involuntarily lacing my words. I really didn't mean to be so cruel. I would never intentionally hurt Bella. I wasn't going to hurt her again.

I saw a flash of some kind of… idea come to Bella's deep, chocolate eyes, which were still directed away from mine, by the way.

"Yeah, whatever." she muttered, clearly not forgiving. I was momentarily surprised but then replayed the words in my head and once again heard the lie. Why in the world was she lying to me? Did she forgive me for my words, yet still wishes to stay away from me? The thought of staying away from Bella was painful.

She then tried to brush past me, but I quickly caught her arm, stopping her.

"You're still mad?" I asked sadly.

"Yes." Bella answered. "I don't care if you meant the words or not. You still said them, and you had no right to." There was venom in her words, but there was also another false undertone. But that didn't mean her words didn't affect me.

"I know, and I'm so sorry." I said before maneuvering her so she was directly in front of me. She turned her head away. "Bella, look at me." I demanded.

"No. Now leave me alone."

She tried to get by me again, but I kept her firmly in place with my hands. I had always been stronger than her.

"Look at me." I commanded again.

When she stubbornly looked away, I gripped her chin and directed her head to face me. Despite this, she kept her eyes wondering anywhere but my eyes.

Time to bring out the heavy machinery.

"Bella, please", I begged. I knew Bella couldn't resist my special pleading voice.

She reluctantly looked into my eyes while I tried to almost hungrily read the emotions in her eyes. I always loved how expressive her eyes and face were. They made Bella all the more special. I could tell by the way she looked at me, she was reading my emotions too.

I saw pain and fear in her eyes. The pain was understandable. She was still grieving over her mother and I had hurt her with my words before. But why was she scared? Did I really frighten her? Maybe I could fix that by talking to her.

"Can I talk to you?" I said, looking around. "In private?"

"No, now leave me alone. I told you, Edward, I don't forgive you." She said, but she was lying. She really needed to work on her lying capabilities. I looked at her skeptically before taking her arm and almost dragging her upstairs to my room. We passed several of the idiotic high school girls who scowled at Bella. I couldn't care less at the moment.

I put her down on the leather couch once in my room and sat beside her. She crossed her arms and looked away. I turned her head to me once more.

"I said to leave me alone, I said I don't forgive you." Bella said angrily.

"Bella, you and I both know that isn't true."

She sighed in defeat and said, "What is it you wanted to talk to me about?"

"I want you to know that I truly am sorry for what I said." I said pleadingly. I needed her to know I was truly and deeply sorry for what I had said. I needed her forgiveness.

"I know. And I guess… I'm sorry too. I said some stupid things" she replied.

She forgave me! I sighed in relief. But… that wasn't the only thing I wanted to talk to her about. How did I start a conversation on the man responsible for your mother's death?

"I also want you to know you can trust me with anything, okay?" I finally said, putting emphasis on the 'anything'. Hopefully she'd get the hint. I could tell by the flicker in her yes, she did.

She nodded. That wasn't good enough.

I noticed a loose strand of hair lying against her cheek and impulsively tucked it away from her face. My finger tingled form the contact with her soft, smooth cheek. Odd.

"Bella," I was afraid of upsetting her. I needed to approach with caution, "is there anything… anything you want to, want to talk about?" I asked quietly, as if her emotional state was fragile like glass. With everything that had happened, I wouldn't be surprised if that were true.

"No." She answered automatically. Her emotionless voice made her sound like a robot. That made me even more concerned.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

I looked away from Bella, then back. She obviously didn't want to tell me, but I wanted to help her get over whatever Phil had done to her mother. Whether he was directly responsible or simply a factor, I wanted to make her feel better.

"About…" I started hesitantly, "about before… you said something. About-" she quickly cut me off.

"You can forget I said anything."

"Bella, you said something. About Renee's death… who did it. How was this 'Phil' responsible for it?" I said, straightforward. If she wasn't going to bring it up, I was.

She was silent for a minute. Did I upset her again?

"Please. You can trust me, Bella. I want you to talk to me." I was worried about her. She was in pain and I wanted to help her so badly. She was my friend. I wanted to know why she was so reluctant to talk about this Phil character. Why her eyes showed fear when I mentioned him. Wait…

"Did – did he hurt you?" I whispered, Horrified. If he so much as touched my Bella…

Wait, did I just think my Bella? No, she definitely wasn't mine, but I couldn't help but feel possessive over her anyway. What the hell had gotten into me lately?

Before I could think anymore, a thousand different emotions flashed across Bella's face; fear, grief, so much pain. Not a single one was happiness. Her breathing started becoming harder and more laboured. Oh God, what was happening?

"Bella?" I asked worriedly, but she didn't respond. She didn't even seem to hear me.

Her eyes all of a sudden filled with water as a single tear rolled down her cheek and into her lap. No! Did I make her cry?! God, Edward, you're such an idiot! Why is hurting Bella seem like the only thing you can do anymore?

Before I knew it, more and more tears cascaded down her cheek, as her breathing started hitching as she reached the sobbing stage. Her voice came out in whimpers and quiet screams

It quite literally killed me inside to see Bella cry like that. Never had I seen or heard a cry so anguished and full of pain. It didn't break my heart to see Bella like that; it completely tore it out. My mind flooded with wanting to desperately help her, but the lack of knowledge on how to, hurt so much. When I saw her cry, I felt like crying as well. I've seen her cry before, but nothing so full of grief and agony as this was. It was like all the pent up raw emotions just pushed forth, knocking down her walls.

I softly gathered her into my arms and slowly rocked her back and forth, whispering hollow reassurances in her ear. If they did anything though, it made her cry even harder. My heart was being ripped apart from her wrenching sadness. I had never before felt like this. With Carlisle working at a hospital, I had heard many crying families before. I had heard cries of agony and pain from people I cared about, friends and family when losing someone, but never before had I ever wanted to desperately help them like I did Bella.

I was willing to do anything to make her stop crying and bring back her beautiful smile. Her smile always brought so much joy inside me that when it was covered by the grief torn expression she was wearing now, I felt like I was dying.

Smile Bella, smile for me.

Why did I have such a heart-wrenching reaction to Bella's cries? I already said that I had never felt the need I felt with Bella to wipe the pain from her angelic features and replace it with a smile. Why did I so hungrily want to make her feel better? Why did my heart feel like it was being ripped out of my chest upon hearing her anguish? Why didn't I ever feel this pain when someone else cried? Then it came to me. I knew why.

I was in love with Bella.

The world seemed to stop. My heart beat quickened.

Alice was right all along. I was hopelessly in love with my best friend. I had always been, but too stupid to see it. It took seeing her in such pain for me to finally realize that I loved her as she had once loved me. I held Bella to my chest tighter, breathing in her freesia scent and sighing. I loved Bella, completely, utterly, hopelessly, and irrevocably.

She was my other half, my sun. How could I not have seen this? I was such an idiot. A stupid idiot.

I suddenly felt such a damn fool for letting her go two years ago. She told me she loved me and I was too blind to notice I loved her too! I let her escape from my fingers! I could have been with her, loved her, held her everyday, but I threw it all away to be with that idiot Tanya.

And now she had probably moved on. She left Forks to get over me, and she probably did. I felt my own eyes moisten when I thought of her no longer loving me as I loved her.

But she didn't deserve me. I hurt her over and over again. I made her cry. She deserved someone who could make her smile and never hurt her. Someone who could protect her from pain, who she could look at without fear in her eyes. Who could say her name without her tensing on the spot. That someone wasn't me. I already lost my chance.

Finally, Bella's sobs lessened until they were replaced with the hiccupping of her gasping breath. She pulled back to look sheepishly at me. I loosened my grip so she was no longer pressed to me, but I didn't let go. I didn't want to. My chest immediately felt cold without the warmth of her body.

"Sorry about that." she said, her voice rusty. She gently cleared it. Even with red rimmed eyes and tear-stained cheek, she still looked gorgeous.

"It's fine", I said softly, gently wiping the remainder of her tears from her face.

"I-I'm just so l-lost", she whispered, sounding completely helpless. I felt the same painful tug at my heart hearing Bella's sad, hopeless tone. She looked away. I didn't like it, but I didn't force her to look at me again.

"It's okay," I replied before tenderly taking her back into my arms and resting my chin on top of her head. "I won't ask you again. You can tell me when you're ready. I just want you to know that I'm there for you, okay? You're not alone." She needed to know that I would be by her side no matter what. She would never be alone.

Bella simply nodded and thankfully relaxed in my embrace. The feeling of her in my arms was indescribable. I'd hugged her before, but never something this intimate. I cursed myself internally remembering that if I had just realized this sooner I could have held her like this everyday for the past two years.

Bella was no doubt my soul-mate, she made me feel complete and deliciously whole.

But… I had hurt her so much in the past and present that she couldn't possibly love me anymore. I didn't deserve her. She was far too good to me. Yet, I loved her too much to let her go. I knew it was selfish, but I needed this angel to be mine, even if I didn't deserve her.

So, should I be selfish and try to fight for Bella, or should I do what's right and leave her alone?

A/N: Oh my… teehee. Hit or Miss? And NO this does not mean Edward and Bella will declare their undying love for each other and get together next chapter. He's only JUST discovering his love, so give the two lovebirds some time people!

So here's a special sneak peek of my new story Life ain't been no Crystal Stair which I will post the first chapter sometime by the end of this week. You can go to my profile to read the full summary. You can find it under the heading "New Story Ideas".

The story's title came from the poem, "Mother to Son", by Langston Hughes. It is truly inspiring and a beautiful poem. If you haven't read it, I suggest you do.

Oh! And I've decided that whenever I start a new story, the prologue will contain a well-known quote that will reflect on the story. Okay? Okay.

SPECIAL SNEAK PEEK:

Life ain't been no Crystal Stair

Prologue

From the time we were all children, we've always been told that "Money cannot buy true happiness".

As lovely and corny as that sounds, it sure as hell doesn't stop us from wanting money.

Let my teach you the two most basic rules of the fiscal world:

1. Those who do not have money, want it.

2. Those who do have money, want more.

Simple as that.

We live in an entirely material world. iPods, convertibles, designer handbags, cell phones, diamond jewelry, and brand name clothes are just a few of the pointless material items that none of us need, but want. Despite the fact that this is a material world, I am definitely not a material girl.

I never had much growing up. I was born from a cheap summer fling that unfortunately ended in an unplanned teenage pregnancy. I grew up on the wrong side of town with a mother who was hardly home since she worked several different jobs. With so little parenting under your belt, you tend to do stupid things. I've done my fair share of stupid things. I probably would have done more stupid things if I had the money.

See? It all leads back to money.

Of course, today, I have things I could have never bought with that green stuff. Things I wouldn't trade anything for, not even my life. Although… money could help us become happy. If My mother had more money, she would have been able to raise me properly. I would have been a normal, average kid.

But do I really want that? I wear my scars, both the ones that you can and can't see, with pride. They show hardship and perseverance – and a daily reminder of where I've come from and why I'd never go back.

So I guess that in reality, money really cannot buy you true happiness, but definitely helps.

Because for me, Life ain't been no Crystal Stair.