Mr (yes, Mr- ha! two can play at this game) L Evans,
I have decided that, in your own undoubtedly manly way, you need to tell him how you feel. If fact, how did you not think of that?
You need to tell him: soon.
Or better still, can I tell him?
Can I tell Remus too? He'll love this! Then he can tell Peter. Sorted.
Say hi to Mary for me.
Excited
Aunty S
Dear SB
NOOOOOOOOOO!
No you can not tell Remus.
You can not tell James.
You can not tell Peter.
You must not tell anybody, understand?
NO ONE
Because if you do I'll hunt you down, hex you into oblivion, shave your head and slowly and painfully cut off you manly parts. Then you really will be Aunty Sirius.
Got it?
BAR
Best wishes
L.E
L.E
Fine, I won't say anything to anybody. Just keep away from my… area.
Gees you're tetchy when you're writing!
Just say yes to him next time he asks you out.
Hoping for a friendlier reply
S.B
P.S. I can only assume that B.A.R stands for "burn after reading". Honestly I think I've got the idea by now Evans- you want this kept secret.
S.B
Sorry for the ill veiled threat in my last letter, but I had to portray how much I didn't want you to tell anybody extremely clearly. You have to admit it was effective.
And B.A.R does stand for Burn after reading. So make sure you do.
I can see a slight issue in your "just say yes next time he asks you out" plan: he hasn't asked me on a date in weeks. He must have lost interest. Looks like I was just a conquest after all.
Thanks for the help Black, but I doubt I'll need it anymore.
B.A.R
Slightly depressed
L.E
At Dinner
Lily,
You're no conquest, trust me. He's more than still interested.
Still have loads of questions to ask you about pretty much everything but you seem to have loads on your plate right now. Metaphorically not literally. Your actual plate is half empty Evans. You should eat more before you waste away, understand me?
Hope Mary feels better soon; I miss our chats in muggle studies!
I've got notes you can give her, save you a job.
Trying to be helpful,
Sirius
S
You can be really sweet when you want to you know that?
You take notes?! Wow. You really do learn something new everyday.
Mary is starting to feel better- thank goodness. She laughed when I asked her about your "muggle-studies chats". I can only take that as a good sign.
B.A.R
Promising to eat more,
Lily
L
Of course I take notes, I just do it slyly that's all. I have a bad reputation to maintain you know ;)
Glad Mary's nearly better- did she enjoy the Quidditch match today? I saw you both ogling James during the first half- you are SO unsly Lily!
Not laughing, honest,
S
S
Yes we did enjoy the match; despite the mud, rain and cold.
I'm told by Remus that you made an "incredibly impressive" dodge at some point. Whatever that means. So congratulations J
Shame you couldn't keep your eyes off Marlene long enough to dodge that last bludger though. Idiot.
B.A.R
Sympathetic, honestly,
L
P.S hope you head isn't too sore. I wouldn't want my favourite agony uncle to be in pain (:
L
You called me your agony uncle. That's so sweet. And my head isn't too sore; the blood's just left my hair a little matted…
Oh. My. God. I'm actually turning into a girl.
This is all your fault Evans, you and your girly "oh my life is so hard" business.
We'd better get this all sorted soon, before I start using face packs, or painting my nails.
You need to talk to James.
And just for future reference: I wasn't staring at Marlene.
Terrified and a little hormonal
S
S
I do talk to James. I spoke to him on three different occasions today, thank you very much.
I reckon a pearly nail varnish would suit you first, possibly working up to full out pink toe nails? Maybe?
BAR
L
L
That's not at all amusing. And stop changing the subject!
Yes, you have spoken to him three times today:
1)To tell him off for hexing Snape outside potions
2)To tell him to shut up in transfiguration
3)To borrow a quill
The third occasion was the only civil thing you said to him all day.
EVEN THAT'S NOT TALKING!!
Please just make conversation with him whilst you do prefect rounds or something.
It can't be that difficult surely.
Wishing you luck with your prefect's meeting
S
S
It is that difficult. I've spent the last six years screaming at him to go away: a rather difficult habit to break.
Help me?
Prefects are so self-important! I was never like that was I?
BAR
L
L
Yes you were. And still are actually.
Affectionately yours
S
Late Saturday night
L.E
Please don't be angry, but there is a slight problem with me keeping out letters a secret. I suppose I'd better tell you before he does.
You see, despite the frequent appearance of "burn after reading", I haven't destroyed a single one of your letters. Instead I have kept them safely under lock, key, booby-trap and password since the beginning. Unfortunately, however, Remus appears to know how to get past every single one of these obstacles and found out all my passwords back in fourth year. He therefore has been reading every last one of your replies and moreover knows exactly why we started conversing in the first place.
Don't panic: he's promised not to tell a soul. Not even Peter will see the smallest part of a word of any of those letters. They have been suitably dealt with.
Incredibly sorry. Please don't kill me. Or hate me. Or chop off my dangly bits- I'm a bit attached to those.
Your undoubtedly soon to be dead friend,
Sirius
2 minutes later...
Lily,
As Sirius has probably told you, I now know that you fancy James.
All I can say about that is:
ABOUT BLOODY TIME!
Right, now that that's over and done with…
I am of course disappointed that you didn't feel comfortable enough to speak to me regarding this matter but I can understand it. I admit that I probably would have made a mountain out of a tall, James Potter sized molehill. I therefore don't wish to interfere too much now. I'll just help to advise you (through Sirius) if that's alright.
I just want to make it clear, before you kill him, that Sirius did everything he could to stop me finding out. I was just a little bit too good for him. Although don't let on that I said that. So don't be too hard on him. It really wasn't his fault. I hope you are not too angry with him; or me for that matter. There is a bright side to this situation- you now get a second, perhaps somewhat more mature, opinion J
Firstly may I suggest a different route of communication? Owl post is a little obvious. The sheer number of owls flying between the two of you has set off rumours that you and Sirius are dating secretly. James isn't happy. Perhaps actually talking would be better?
Your friend
Remus
A/N: Thanks to all that have reviewed! Any suggestions for Lily's reaction?