The other day I had a major creative boost and this came out! I have to say though I didn't think of this myself, I was reading 'The List of Important Things' by 'ChassingTheeDream16' and some parts are inspired by that :D so if she is reading this thank you very much, great story.

This is in a Kendall P.O.V which I've never done before. I usually write objectively, first time in a point of view. And its in a diary entry which is someting new as well. I told you guys this stroy was going to be super random! I hope you enjoy, it's pretty…odd. But I had a lot of fun writing this.

Thanks

Hi,

Okay, so this is stupid. I am Kendall Knight, I don't need to write in a stupid diary. Why would anyone want to write in a diary? It's stupid. There stupid little books that people write in to make themselves feel better. Writing all your secrets in one book just screams read me, read me. Eventually everything gets out.

Stupid little diary,

No! Not diary, journal. Journal sounds manlier. Well, more manly as a diary journal can get.

Kelly thought they would be good therapy for us. Apparently many bands in Hollywood get over whelmed by the fame and pressure and just snap. So she wants us to write in them, she thinks they will help us. She just doesn't want us to end up like Boys in the Attic or bad boyz, or one of Gustavo's other unsuccessful bands that turned mental.

Yea, last time I checked I wasn't mental. I don't need a stupid diary JOURNAL.

However if I don't write in it, she said I don't get to sing. She wants us all to bring them into the studio by Monday, with at least one entry! What the hell right? She said she wouldn't read them, just needs proof that we did it. Well if you are reading this Kelly HAHA I knew it! Keep out of my head!

Okay, back on topic. What was my topic again? Oh wait I don't have one, I should think of that…

Well, Kelly said to write about my thoughts on Hollywood and the people around me.

Well I like the weather in Hollywood, better then Minnesota that's for sure… and Gustavo's mean… he yells way too much…

I'm not very good at this. I should probably go deeper, right? UGH NOW IM ASKING A DIARY QUESTIONS! Maybe I am mental…

Okay, you know what? I don't care. I am Kendall knight. I'm awesome, I can write in a diary journal and still be awesome. This does not make me any less of a man. Yep, no less of a man.

Deeper, hmmm okay.

Well I just heard a crash outside my bedroom. So I'm pretty sure Carlos and James just broke something. Mom will be mad. But she'll get over that. I love her, she must be the coolest mom there is. I mean who drops there whole life and moves states for her son to be in a band that might not even work? My mom, that's who. She's completely awesome. I can't believe the things she's done for me. I hope she knows everyday how much I love her. And Katie too. I really try to be the best that I can be for them, protect them. You know, ever since dad walked out (yea, not going into that. We don't talk about that) all I want is to protect them. I don't ever want to see mom cry the way she did then. I don't want Katie to ever feel like she doesn't have a male figure she can't look up to. Some people call me too protective or say I worry about them too much. But those guys don't know the whole story. They don't know the shit we've gone through to get to the place we are today. I promised myself a long time ago that I would make sure mom and Katie are always happy. So far I've achieve that, I won't let anyone screw that up.

Sometimes people call me too protective in general. I'm definitely not, if anyone wants me to clarify that.

I just have to make sure everyone's okay. I mean, if you meet my friends you know what I'm talking about. There nut job, always getting into trouble. I have to make sure there okay.

Like Carlos, he is an absolute freak! I love him, but he's a nut job. Seriously I don't think that boy has heard of boundaries, or danger. His basically fearless. Rarely scared of anything, but that's what terrifies me. He just does all these reckless things and doesn't think about the consequences. What happens if he gets hurt or something? What if his not wearing his helmet when his doing it and gets seriously injured? Or what if he was to do something so stupid that he like, kills himself or something. Ugh, man don't even go there.

Anyway my point is I love him, but he makes me worry. Not that I ever say to him, 'Carlos I'm worried you're going to kill yourself one day, can you please wrap yourself up in cotton wool so you don't?' That even sounds stupid to me. I sound like my mom…. Dear god. But now I finally get why parents are always telling us not to do stupid stuff as kids. Back then we just assume they want to ruin all our fun, but actually it's to keep us safe. Man, now thinking about all the stuff we did as kids I'm surprised we're even still alive.

They just worry me is all, especially Carlos. It's just… I can't lose them. You know? Well of course you don't know you're a book. But if I was too loose any of them I would probably die. I couldn't go on, there my family. My stupid, careless, reckless, dangerous, idiotic family. I will kill them first before they leave me. No one can leave.

Okay, now that's starting to sound really possessive, but if you knew they full story you'd get it. My dad left. He just packed up and left one night and was never seen again. I mean how can someone do that to their own family. No way would I ever do that to my kids! And no way would I do it to my family now. And sometimes I worry that they don't know that. That it doesn't matter as much to them as it does to me. They all promised me when we were seven that they'd never leave. A week after my dad left we sat in my tree house and we promised each other we'd always be friends and we made a pack. I'm always worried that… well you get it. We don't need to go into it, okay?

I'm the leader of our little group. That's the way it's been since the beginning. They don't need to know all these little insecurities and worries I have about them. Simple.

I wonder if the know how much I actually care about them or how much I know about them? Man, now I'm starting to sound like a chick… I blame Kelly for this whole stupid thing.

I know that Carlos wears his helmet because his scared. His happy-go-lucky attitude is just a cover up for everything. Just like me, his scared that people will leave or hurt him. That's why he wears that stupid helmet and I thank god he wears it every day. Man it scares me when he doesn't. I know that his really afraid of bugs because his older brother made him eat one when he was 6 and I know he hates being alone for too long, because he gets scared. I know his afraid that no one will ever love him although one day I know some amazing girl is going to fall head over heels for the boy. However at the moment he's not ready to let a girl in. No matter how much he wants a girlfriend he pushes people away too much because his afraid of getting hurt. Although when you do break down the walls he has up, he is one of the most loyal people I've even met.

I know his scared everyday that Hollywood will tear our friendship apart. I wish I could tell him it scares me too.

I know James is the kindest, caring person in the world, despite the conceited and proud persona he displays. And I know the 'pretty boy' thing he does is just an act. While he cares about what he looks like it would never actually get in the way of anything. If he had to ruin his hair to help one of us or Katie, or anyone really, he would in a heartbeat. I know he gets sick of the charade sometimes, but his been doing it for so long he wouldn't know how to turn it off. Being the pretty boy has protected him from so many things he has tried to put behind him. But I think he knows we'd love him either way. I know James has been my friend the longest and before me he didn't have any. Before meeting me he didn't know what a friend was. James could have always been Mr. Cool and be 'that' popular kid but he never once ditched us. Because even at a young age James could always tell the good kids from the bad. I know nothing annoys James more then someone who thinks there better than others. I also know he wants to kill Jett Stenson.

I know James is very affectionate because his father never was. He thinks affection is a sign of love and security, and it's his way of telling us he cares for us. I wish I could tell him we're always going to be there for him no matter what.

I know Logan hates the dark because it means the unknown. Logan hates the unknown, he feels like he has to know everything in order to stay calm. He hates it when I just 'go with it' because it frightens him that something will go wrong. I know he thinks we see him as the weakest and as someone who needs to be protected. Honestly sometimes I do. But I also know he is one of the strongest people I've ever met and is probably braver then I can ever hope to be. Although that doesn't ever stop me from worrying about him. I know he hates meting new people because his afraid they will bully him, and I also know they only reason he studied so much as a kid was so he didn't have to deal with reality. Even though he tries to deny it I know school was harder for him then it was for us. If he wasn't with us he was in hell, and studying was his escape from that. Now it's just second nature to him, if he gets too stressed out or worried he will usually pick up a medical book and its calms him. I know everyday Logan worries that he doesn't belong. He fears that even after so many years one day we will turn on him for whatever reason. I don't think he knows that I, Carlos and James would die to protect him.

I know Logan secretly loves doing reckless stuff with us, but every time he needs that extra push. And although I know he hates it and freaks out when we do dangerous stuff, sometimes he doesn't mind if he gets to play doctor at the end of it.

I wonder if I know this much about them, how much they know about me. I'm sure they know how scared I am about them and how arrogant and stubborn I can be. I'm also pretty sure that they know every night when I get up to have water, I check to make sure there still in their beds. Just to make sure there safe.

Maybe I know too much about them and maybe I worry too much. But that's just the way it is… I can't change that now.

I don't think they really mind that much,

Okay I better go. I heard another crash and someone probably got hurt.

And I don't care that I've actually written in this thing, it's still a stupid diary journal. Damn it!

Kendall

This was so hard to finish, but I hope it wasn't too horrible. I had a lot of fun writing it :D I might even do one for all the boys because it was so much fun! However now it is time to write BTS which I all promised you ages ago! Dun, dun dunnnnnnn.

Review?