Part XII

He did not feel attached to his own body. Everything was far too heavy, even the sensation in his limbs. It was as though there was a barrier between himself and the waking world. He was almost tempted to remain in that half-aware state. If he stayed long enough he might not even feel it when his body finally gave out. Certainly there was only so much trauma a body could withstand before it ceased functioning. In the end nature's own course could very well save him the trouble of brining about his own demise.

"... entirely sure what happened. I saw him and it was as though my mind was no longer a part of my body. All I knew was that I wanted him to die. So I killed him."

"And now we do not know who gave him his orders."

"The foreman said there was at least one accomplice. We can question him."

"Amyntor and I will question him. You will stay out of it."

"Father, I have every right—"

"You cannot be trusted with this. You are too close to be objective and too young to know when to hold yourself in check."

"I will not apologize for loving him."

"Nor would I expect you to."

The hitch that he heard in Alexander's voice forced him momentarily through the fog. "Xan?"

Warmth suffused him almost immediately as Alexander's hands camp up to hold his face. Lips were ghosting over his forehead and cheeks too. He could feel Alexander's lips moving, but not hear the words that he spoke. And even though it took more effort than he thought it would, he lifted his right arm and draped it over Alexander's shoulders, the limb's own weight pulling Alexander closer to him. He wanted to disappear inside of Alexander.

"I do not know what to do," Alexander moaned, the words all but torn from his chest. Alexander's forehead rested against his, holding his gaze. "Tell me what to do so I can take this pain from you."

"Quickly. While he is still asleep."

"Does it even matter if he is awake or not? He is as threatening as a newborn kitten."

"Pausanias says that he was up and about this morning."

"Then we kill him quick."

"Hephaestion!"

His entire body stiffened at the sound of his name and he was gasping as he stared up at Alexander. "Are they dead?" he finally managed to gasp out.

Alexander looked very grim, but nodded his head. "One is. We have not yet found the other."

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Achilles himself could have appeared in the tent then and Philip did not think that either Alexander or Hephaestion would have paid him any heed. The boys most certainly did not seem to note the presence of either himself or Amyntor. Philip did not begrudge them it either because, for the moment, Hephaestion was calm. So was Alexander for that matter. He had truly not expected it when Alexander had killed the Epirot. None of them had which was why they had been unable to prevent it. It was almost as though Alexander had been possessed by the gods when he had killed the slave, his movements determined and lightning quick.

"How are you feeling? Are you in any pain?" Amyntor asked his son, drawing the boys' attention away from each other.

Hephaestion shook his head lightly, his eyes sliding shut. "No pain. I just feel... numb."

"No worries, lad," Amyntor murmured, his smile tight; forced. "That will fade soon enough. Just so long as you are well."

Try as he might, Philip could not stop his gaze from wandering to Hephaestion's bandaged throat. There was a small amount of blood seeping through, evidence of the boy's earlier attempt on his own life. It was something that none of them had been expecting and only made things more difficult. Keeping Alexander in Macedon while Hephaestion went to Athens to recover would have been difficult enough when the threats to the older youth were in Macedon. Now that the danger would be following Hephaestion to Athens, Philip was fairly certain that he would have to physically restrain Alexander to keep him in Pella.

If he were truly honest, though, Philip would admit that it would only make things worse to separate Alexander and Hephaestion. However, those were his thoughts as a father. As a king, he had to be strict and that meant Alexander had to stay in Macedon.

Watching the way his son and Hephaestion clung to each other, Philip knew that it would be a challenge separating them.

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Strange as it was to see Hephaestion acting so passive then, Alexander was simply glad to see him awake. He knew that the enforced sleep had been necessary to keep Hephaestion from injuring himself further, but it had still been frightening. Were it not for the slight rise and fall of his chest he had looked dead. Alexander knew that he would never been comfortable seeing Hephaestion lying so still while he slept.

However, relieved as he was to see his beloved friend awake, he could not dispel the image of what had happened earlier that day from his mind. They had been forced to move his tent because the ground was stained with the blood of Arybbas, one of his father's pages. Eventually Alexander knew that Hephaestion would need to be questioned about what had happened, but he found himself reluctant to do so.

Hephaestion's brows furrowed suddenly as he raised a hand to his bandaged throat. "I do not remember either getting more than a few punches in. Did something happen after?"

Alexander opened his mouth, prepared to mask what had truly happened as an accident. His lips were forming the words, but in the end he drew them back.

"You believed that you were still under attack and, rather than fall victim, you attempted to take your own life," Alexander said quietly, unable to meet Hephaestion's eyes.

The corners of Hephaestion's lips turned down into a noticeable frown. "Are you certain?"

"I saw it," Alexander whispered, forcing the words past his lips. "I was reaching for you, but you thought I was one of them and held the knife to your own throat."

Hephaestion began to tremble ever so slightly and he shook his head. Alexander's gaze immediately flew to Hephaestion's eyes only to find the lids squeezed shut tightly. His lips were moving frantically, repeating the same phrase over and again.

"I was not supposed to happen yet.... It was not supposed to happen yet...."

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Alexander would never let him go now. He had allowed himself to be weak for a moment and Alexander had seen it. That was never supposed to happen. Alexander was never supposed to have known. Now it would be impossible for him to disappear quietly.

"Hush now, lad. Get some rest," his father murmured, placing a hand upon his head. "Some honest sleep will do you a world of good."

Though he could not see his father's face, there was no mistaking the disappointment in his voice. His father had seen it as well and knew that he was weak. There would be no hiding it from anyone. They all knew his weakness now and would watch him more closely. It would have been better if Alexander had not stopped him earlier.

"Please, Phae, do not slip back into that dark place."

Before he could stop it, he found himself looking into Alexander's all too expressive eyes. Eyes that were normally the color of polished steel were instead fading into a weeping storm cloud. The lightning they concealed was not directed at him. The raindrops, however, were.

"Do not go where I cannot follow you."

He could hear the almost inaudible hitch in Alexander's breathing when he squeezed his eyes shut tight. It was only momentary. He opened them again once he was able to swallow his own tears and stretched his fingers towards Alexander's. His hand was immediately covered by his love's, their fingers twisting together.

Try as he might, he could not find the words to reassure Alexander's completely.

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"You will turn into a fish if you stay in there any longer."

There was a splash and then, "Would you still love me if I were a fish?"

Groaning, he let his head drop back down to the ground. "You sound as insipid as one of Ptolemy's girls when you say things like that. In any event, if you were a fish I would cook you for dinner and likely end up with indigestion for my troubles."

"You, my love, are an absolute wretch."

"You are the one who insisted upon asking such a lovesick question, beloved."

Water sloshed noisily for a moment before the light of the sun no longer seemed quite so bright. When he blinked his eyes open he found that he did not miss the sun. His love was a far more glorious sight standing naked between his legs, water glistening off his body. He may not have become a fish, but there was certainly something otherworldly about him.

"If I did not know otherwise, I would think you had been birthed from the earth herself. I have never seen a sight to rival this," his lover said as he knelt down, nudging lax thighs open wider with his knees so that he could crawl closer.

"You have stolen the thoughts from my mind," Hephaestion murmured, reaching up to cup Alexander's cheek in his palm.

Alexander grinned broadly, leaning into his touch. "Then it is fitting that we have found one another."

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Drifting from his thoughts as Hephaestion's fingers twitched sleepily about his own, Alexander lifted his free hand to smooth through the sleeping man's hair, gentling him back into more peaceful dreams. It was strange to think that such carefree times had occurred only days before Hephaestion's intended departure for Athens. Less then two months ago Hephaestion had been so utterly relaxed and at peace. Alexander feared that Hephaestion would never regain that part of himself.

"It will take time, but if you have the patience and strength you will help Hephaestion recover that lost part of himself."

Alexander startled slightly at Cleitus' words, not having heard him enter.

"You are exhausted and your thoughts are clearly visible on your face," Cleitus said in response to the question Alexander had not even thought to ask yet. "Rest, Alexander. There are others to watch over Hephaestion's slumber."

Still, Alexander shook his head resolutely. "I cannot. I fear that he will be taken from me if I am not here. General Amyntor would keep him from me permanently. He believes that I am a danger to Hephaestion. He knows that I cannot follow them to Athens so he will steal Hephaestion away during the night while I am unaware and cannot stop him."

Cleitus crouched down before him and grabbed hold of his face with both hands. "You need to sleep, lad. Your thoughts are becoming twisted and confused and you will be of no help to either yourself or Hephaestion in this state. Allow yourself a few hours to rest. You have my word that Hephaestion will still be here when you wake."

Even though he was still reluctant, Alexander allowed Cleitus to coax him onto the bedroll that had been set up next to Hephaestion's cot. Close enough that he could hear the regular intervals of his lover's breathing and the soft rusting of cloth as he moved.

Despite himself, almost immediately Alexander felt himself start to drift off. He blinked his eyes slowly and deliberately, hoping to fend off the drowsiness. "Do you truly believe that Hephaestion will recover? In more than just a physical sense."

Cleitus pursed his lips, scrubbing a hand over his face. "I wish that I could give you an answer, lad. I really do. I do, however, know that Hephaestion is strong. He did not survive all of this just to slip away now that he has been found."

"But today—"

"Today you saw a man who had been on the brink of death for more than a month come near to the end of his endurance. And as strong as Hephaestion is, he is still human. Still mortal. He will have moments of weakness; all men do."

Alexander was silent for a time, his eyes locked on the tips of Hephaestion's fingers which were visible over the edge of the cot. "I feel that I should know all of this already."

"You do. And were it anyone but Hephaestion lying here you would not question yourself," Cleitus reminded him, nudging him gently with his foot. "I may not have studied under Aristotle, but I have been around men enough to understand some things. If it is within his power, Hephaestion will not fail you."

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Much as he would have liked to agree with Cleitus' words, he could not. He already had failed Alexander, even if his love would not yet admit to it. He was not worthy to be the Patroclus to Alexander's Achilles. Patroclus had been strong; he had fought Hector until there was no more breath in his body. Patroclus had been worthy enough to stand beside Achilles in Elysium after their deaths.

That would never be his fate.

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"You and that brute of yours are obscuring my light."

Alexander chuckled and Hephaestion could hear as he slid from Bucephalas' back to the ground. "I cannot understand for the life of me why the two of you insist on antagonizing one another."

Lowering his scroll, Hephaestion craned his neck back so that he could see both Alexander and Bucephalas. "We have an understanding. Do we not, brute?"

Bucephalas snorted and stomped his hoof a few times.

"See," Hephaestion smirked, arching an eyebrow in Alexander's direction

Alexander rolled his eyes, dropping down next to him on the grassy slope. "What are you doing all the way out here? It took me ages to find you."

"I needed some time away from Cassander and Philotas before I did something that would have me sent back to Athens," Hephaestion sighed, relinquishing the scroll when Alexander tugged lightly on the parchment.

Glancing briefly at the scroll, Alexander grinned at its contents before setting it aside. "Why did you not come to find me? I would have gladly joined you in your afternoon exile."

"You were with your mother. I know better than to interrupt those meetings," Hephaestion said, pulling lightly on the edge of Alexander's chiton. "Now either lie down or come closer because it is straining my neck to keep looking up at you."

Alexander laughed outright, but slid down so that he was lying on his side next to Hephaestion. "That is a welcome change. Now you have a small taste of what I must suffer through every day."

"I am half a head taller than you! That is hardly reason to complain," Hephaestion snorted, shoving lightly at Alexander's shoulder. "And I have told you countless times that you would have no need to complain if you simply wore lifts in your sandals."

The comment earned him a punch to the shoulder from Alexander. "I am not so vain as all that."

Hephaestion continued to chuckle, rubbing at his shoulder. "My apologies. Though you must admit that it has a nice ring to it: Alexander, dwarf prince of Macedon."

Hephaestion's laughter was lost in the sound of Alexander's outraged cry as the smaller youth launched upon him. At the end of their brief tussle they were both laughing breathlessly, their bodies twisted together and their faces close enough one's breath panted hotly against the other's cheek.

"Remind me again why I do not ship your insolent carcass back to Athens?"

Grinning broadly, Hephaestion pressed his lips wetly to Alexander's. "Because there will never be another who loves you more."