Part XIV

It was several hours before Alexander returned to the tent he shared with Hephaestion. A good portion of that time had been spent with his father, but not enough to warrant him spending so much time away from Hephaestion. The simple truth was that he could not bear to be near Hephaestion then; not knowing that he was the reason behind his love's suffering. Whatever her reasons, Olympias had done this in his name. He was the reason that Hephaestion had been made to suffer.

Pulling aside the flap of the tent, Alexander stood there for several minutes simply watching Hephaestion as he slept. Hephaestion may have looked peaceful then, but Alexander knew that it was only a façade. Hephaestion had been hurt deeply by Olympias' plots and Alexander feared to ever see again what had been taken from his beloved.

"You are letting in a chill breeze."

The words so startled Alexander that his entire body jerked and the hide tent flap slipped from his fingers. It fell against his shoulder and Alexander pushed at it irritably so that it slid behind him, enclosing both him and Hephaestion in the tent.

"I did not mean to wake you," Alexander stated dumbly, not moving any further into the tent.

Finally Hephaestion's eyes opened and he stared tiredly at Alexander. "I have not yet slept so it is impossible to have woken me.... I did not think you would come back."

"I can go if you—"

"That is not what I meant," Hephaestion said, immediately cutting him off. With an obvious amount of effort Hephaestion managed to get himself seated with his legs dangling over the edge of the cot, the blanket covering him pooling about his hips. "I do want you here, Alexander. Never doubt that. You are the one thought that was in my head all those weeks."

"But I am the reason you are here," Alexander protested, unable to coax himself away from the edge of the tent. "This was done to you because I love you."

"You are not the cause of this."

"My mother arranged for all this to be done to you because I told her that I love you above all others. I would not bed the girls that she wanted and will not marry." Alexander snorted then, barely swallowing a burst of hysterical laughter. "The woman is mad enough to believe that I could ever consider loving another if you were taken from me."

"You are not your mother," Hephaestion sighed, his voice laced with exhaustion. "Her actions have nothing to do with you. She may have claimed to be acting in your interest, but her concerns were only her own."

Hephaestion's jaw shut with an audible click at that, his eyes widening as he realized the extent of his words. Any doubts that had been lingering in Alexander's mind were thoroughly abolished and he found himself staggering towards Hephaestion. His vision blurred in the half dozen steps it took to cross the space and he fell to his knees before his beloved. Swallowing a sob, Alexander leaned forward to rest his forehead against Hephaestion's thigh, arms wrapped around his waist as though he could somehow sink entirely into his love.

"Furies be damned, I will kill her myself if that is what you desire," he moaned against Hephaestion's leg, the warmth of those thighs soothing him. "I will risk the wrath of all the gods if only I can make you whole again."

Tears that he had been trying to hold at bay began to pour from him as Hephaestion's fingers sunk into his hair.

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He could only stare down at the weeping wretch who seemed determined to meld their bodies together. In that moment Alexander was utterly broken by the one thing he had tried so hard to keep from him. He had never wanted Alexander to know that particular truth and had planned to take it with him to the River Styx and beyond, where it would be forgotten by all once he drink from the forgetful waters of the Lethe. He would only have needed to keep the information from Alexander for another few weeks, but that opportunity was lost now.

Moving carefully so as not to stretch the still-healing skin on his back overly so, he leaned his upper body over Alexander's, hugging him close. If it were possible he would disappear entirely within Alexander. Alexander would make him forget about it all entirely. He might even be able to convince himself that none of it had happened.

At the moment, however, he did not matter; not when Alexander was plotting matricide. As much as he personally loathed and feared Olympias, he would not allow Alexander to suffer the consequences of her murder.

"Do not kill her, Alexander," he murmured against Alexander's back. "She is not worth all that you will suffer because of it."

Alexander sat up so quickly that the back of his head slammed into Hephaestion's shoulder, throwing him off balance. Before he could fall backwards, Alexander caught hold of his arm, steadying him. His own hands automatically grabbed hold of Alexander's upper arms.

"You mean to tell me that you do not want vengeance for what was done to you?" Alexander demanded while he struggled to gain his bearings.

"I simply mean that I do not want you saddled with the guilt. She is your mother."

Slowly a faraway look took over Alexander's eyes. "She is a vile woman. She would isolate me from those that I love and treat me as a puppet. Her golden avenger," Alexander spat out, sitting back on his heels as he turned his face into the shadows. "She called me that when I was young. She wanted to destroy my father through me and now this.... Gods, Phae, I swear by Heracles, Zeus, Achilles, Patroclus... I swear that I did not know that she would do something like this. I thought that she knew...."

"Knew what?" he managed to choke out, Alexander's agony squeezing like a press about his heart.

Alexander turned back to him, his lips twisted in a strained, yet still fond, smile and his eyes glittered with tears. "That I am nothing without you. That I would slowly fade into nothingness if you were to die before me. Your loss would cleave me in two."

Try as he might, he could find no words to express what he felt; it was all roiling just below the surface. So he did what he could which was lift his right hand to hold Alexander's cheek and hope that his own glassy eyes would be enough of a response.

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It felt as though he had run the entire circumference of Pella's outer walls. All of the muscles in his body ached and trembled, straining even though all he had done was knee before Hephaestion. He leaned his cheek into Hephaestion's palm, taking what comfort he could until a quiet voice reminded him that he should be the one caring for Hephaestion. His lover's skin was white as newly fallen snow save for lingering bruises and cuts and the dark rings about his eyes. He seemed to sway even as he sat still.

"You need to sleep, love," Alexander murmured, turning his face to brush a kiss to the heel of Hephaestion's palm. "This night has lasted far too long already."

Hephaestion squeezed his eyes shut tight and nodded jerkily. "Sleep. Sleep is good." When he blinked his eyes open a moment later, Hephaestion was staring at him so intently that he could not have looked away even if he wanted to. "Stay with me?"

Alexander could have attempted to convince himself that Hephaestion only wanted company in the tent, but he knew better. He was desperate for the exact same thing himself so he nodded his head as he helped Hephaestion to stretch back out on the cot. There really was not enough room for two, but Alexander knew that they could make due. They had certainly slept in more confined spaces over the years. So, once he was certain that Hephaestion was lying comfortably he carefully crawled in behind him. Lying on his left side, curled up against Hephaestion's back, Alexander was unsure of what to do with his right arm.

With an exasperated sigh, Hephaestion reached back and latched onto his wrist, dragging it down across his waist. "I will not shatter."

Though he did not contradict Hephaestion's words, Alexander did not fully believe them either. He had already come close to seeing Hephaestion shatter only a few paces from where they were currently lying. But Hephaestion was the strongest man he knew and he could recover from it if only he had a proper chance to rest.

"Your father wants to take you back to Athens with him."

Hephaestion's fingers tightened briefly about his wrist. "I know. He has told me."

"Will you go with him?"

"He is my father, how can I deny him?"

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Even though he was fairly certain that Alexander knew of his intentions to go with his father without a fuss, he said nothing of it. Alexander would not understand. Alexander would hear nothing beyond the fact that he wanted to leave. Leave him. Except that was the last thing he wanted; he just was not sure how to ibe/i around Alexander. Desperate as he was to be near Alexander, he constantly had to force himself not to flinch away from his touch.

"Rest, beloved, I will guard your sleep," Alexander murmured against the side of his head, flingers splaying across his stomach.

Much as he wanted to deny it, his eyelids felt as though they were weighed down by lead. Exhaustion was making his entire body feel stone-heavy, but he feared to sleep.

"I want to stay with you," he yawned, his body relaxing as sleep tugged at him.

"And I with you. Always."

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"Hephaestion! Phae!"

Alexander's voice sounded a world away, echoing between the dying screams.

"Alexander!"

Staggering through the wreckage of bodies and horses, Hephaestion slowly made his way towards Alexander's voice. It was difficult to see through the thick smoke and his left leg was constantly threatening to give out under him. He did not remember the blow that had caused the injury, but was relieved to see that Xanthus had suffered little injury from whatever sword or missile had caused the damage. To be certain, though, he was walking alongside the beast rather than risk further damage by riding him.

"Hephaestion!"

A wall of black smoke seemed to part as Alexander burst through, as glorious and bloodied as Ares himself. His entire being seemed to radiate with the coursing energy of the battle, eyes flashing and hair as wild as a lion's mane.

"Can you believe it, Phae? The Sacred Band! We came up against the Sacred Band and we are the ones still standing," Alexander marveled as he flung his arms about Hephaestion's shoulders. "As much as it grieves me to have killed such valiant men, I cannot help but revel in our victory. Is that wrong of me?"

Hephaestion shook his head, tightening his hold about Alexander's middle. "They found as we do, side by side. Today, however, the gods favored us. And while that might not always be so, at least each is bound to the land of the dead with his love."

"Just as we will one day."

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Alexander knew the instant Hephaestion came awake. His lover drew a sudden deep breath and then was utterly still as he took stock of his surroundings. It grieved Alexander that Hephaestion no longer seemed to know him. It was not long ago that Hephaestion would merely relax deeper into his embrace when he woke. For all that he understood it, it was still painful to realize that his love was now as guarded around him as he was around others.

"Why did we return?" Hephaestion murmured, turning his head so that Alexander was able to see his profile. "I could not have been so deeply unaware that I did not wake at the sound of pursuit."

For a brief second it occurred to Alexander that he could create some excuse that was close enough to the truth that Hephaestion would not immediately see the lie. Except that Hephaestion knew him too well for such a thing to be possible. Hephaestion would be able to hear the falsehoods in the mere tone of his voice and Alexander knew that he could not lie to Hephaestion then.

"I was scared," Alexander admitted at last, turning his face into Hephaestion's cropped hair so that his love would not be able to see his face.

"Scared of what?"

"Myself. That simply being near me could place you in danger again," Alexander whispered, a shudder overtaking him despite the warmth inside the tent and wrapped up in a blanket with Hephaestion. "That is something I could not bear."

Hephaestion began to twist about then, wincing quietly as he struggled onto his back. There really wasn't enough room so Alexander started to raise himself up only to have Hephaestion grab hold of his shoulder, keeping him in place. Alexander could see the strain on Hephaestion's face caused by the pain of his uncomfortable position, but there was determination there too so Alexander didn't attempt to coax him off his damaged back.

"I will never be in danger simply by being near you," Hephaestion insisted, holding his gaze. "Even if I was, I do not care. I love you, Alexander. What others do to me will never change that. Even if I somehow managed to forget myself, I would always remember you."

"Gods, Phae...." Alexander moaned, pressing his face into Hephaestion's shoulder. Try as he might, he could coax no words from his lips after that.

Feeling the utter tenseness in Hephaestion's body, a rigidity that Alexander hoped was not caused by how close they were lying, he carefully shifted both himself and Hephaestion about so that Hephaestion was lying mostly on top of him. The other man did not try to pull away, instead relaxing into him.

"Rest easy, love," Alexander whispered against the top of Hephaestion's head, swallowing a yawn of his own.

"May the gods guard your sleep," Hephaestion murmured, lips brushing against the side of Alexander's throat as he spoke.

Things were far from sorted out between them, but at the moment Alexander did not think that he could stay awake any longer. Feeling Hephaestion's steady breath against his neck, Alexander fumbled to draw the blanket up higher on their bodies before allowing his own exhaustion to overtake him.

Perhaps in the morning things would no longer seem so dire.