RULES
Summary: "Being in a relationship with James Potter flew in the face of all her rules, because Lily Evans knew, if she opened herself up to James like that – became his girlfriend, had a real relationship with him, fell in love – there was no going back." L/J. A companion piece to "Stories".
Disclaimer: Nope. Not mine.
A/N: A couple reviewers asked for some sort of continuation of "Stories" and this is it. Technically, it's still a stand-alone piece (especially since I dropped the parenthetic style as it got really tiresome trying to write a second one like that), but in my mind, they still fit together. Enjoy. :)
I climbed across the mountaintops,
Swam all across the ocean blue!
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules,
And baby I broke them all for you.
Oh because even when I was flat broke,
You made me feel like a million bucks.
You do…and I was made for you.
The Story, Brandi Carlile
In the beginning it had been fun, carefree – the epitome of romantic. James Potter was surely adept at sweeping her off her feet. But James, ever dogged in his pursuit of her, wanted more than just fun. He wanted serious. And Lily Evans? She wasn't so sure.
"I hate labels, James," she sighed, digging through her rucksack. Her quill had escaped her yet again. James held out his.
"Here," he said. She took the quill from him as he continued. "I don't see what the big deal is, Lily. We're already dating. I'm not seeing anyone else. You're not seeing anyone else." He paused. "Are you?"
Lily rolled her eyes as she signed her name on the night-time rounds list for next Tuesday. "No."
James took the quill from her and signed his name beneath hers. "Then I don't see what the problem is."
"Labels only cause problems," she said. James fixed her with a look.
"How?"
"They categorize," said Lily, tacking the list to bulletin board in the Great Hall. "They generalize, and I hate having to fit into a specific category."
"You're being melodramatic, love," said James, taking her hand as they headed down the corridor. "Nothing has to change. I just want to be able to call you my girlfriend. It just a way of explaining who we are to each other."
"What's wrong with saying that we're dating?"
"Because, I'd like to think that what we're doing is a little more permanent than just dating," he sighed, letting go of her hand. It felt colder in his absence.
"Look, just think about it, alright?" he said, kissing her forehead before he turned into the Transfiguration classroom. Lily hesitated by the door, watching as he found his seat next Sirius. His face split into a smile as he adjusted his glasses, laughing at whatever Sirius was telling him. She watched as he glanced her way and winked, making her heart skip a beat.
As she sat in Transfiguration, James sitting in the seat next to her, she wondered if maybe there was something wrong with her. Maybe she was missing some sort of genetic code that would let her think like other girls. Other girls fell in love with a hurried passion, a sort of frenzied lust. Why couldn't she leap? Why couldn't she trust even now, when she spent nearly every minute with him? Breakfasts and evenings and between classes. Moments in deserted corridors that stuck in her head for hours. His hands in her hair, tracing circles on her skin as his lips made her forget everything but her name, and sometimes even that. But a part of her always held back, she never gave herself fully over, even as he kissed his way along her collar bone.
She had to protect herself didn't she? In case he realized that he was wrong about her – that she wasn't worth it, that she wasn't as special? So she had to protect herself. She'd decided it long ago – she would never be hurt by a boy. She was more than that. Tougher. Stronger. She would never need anyone more than they needed her. Being in a relationship with James Potter flew in the face of all her rules, because Lily Evans knew, if she opened herself up to James like that – became his girlfriend, had a real relationship with him, fell in love – there was no going back. She'd have crossed a line she'd vowed not to cross, and it could never be undone. What James found so simple, wasn't simple for her at all. She had to think about it, reason it out, and weigh the consequences of her choices. And maybe, she thought sadly as she drew a small, wilting flower on the corner of her notes, that was the answer in itself.
But she refused to give up that easily. So she did what she usually did in uncertain situations – she turned to books. But it didn't go as well as she'd hoped.
Lily slammed her book down on the bed, glaring at the cover of the muggle romance novel. It wasn't hers. She'd borrowed it off Dorcas hoping that it might help her, but she found the characters frustrating. They spoke of love like it was simple, that you knew who you loved because fireworks went off when you kissed, and he rode a white stallion and everything worked out perfectly, always. The hero was perfection incarnate, doing exactly what he should, as imagined in a perfect world. But that wasn't true. Life was not perfect.
Sliding off her bed, Lily thunked down the steps to the common room. James sat at a table in the corner with his friends. They had their heads tilted together as they whispered, bent over a sheet of paper. Lily sighed. James wasn't perfect. He had a lot of good qualities, but there were some other less savory ones. Sometimes James forgot that there was a time and a place for joking.
Like last week, when someone had written a slur against Muggleborns across the back wall of the Great Hall, he laughed, instead of behaving like she wished he would, which would have been to be as angry as she was – to blast the vile words from the wall and to punch the snickering Slytherins in the face. But instead, he'd laughed, made a joke about how if that was the worst the Death Eaters could do, he wasn't worried about Voldemort. And then he dropped it. He just sat at the table and began eating breakfast, leaving Lily to stand, still staring up at the blood-red words that vowed her death at the hands of the Dark Lord. The only sign that he'd been upset by it at all had been his silence while eating. It had made Lily want to scream.
It had confused her, hurt her, put a little black blemish on her feelings for him. Which might have been unfair, but it didn't change the fact that it had. However, it also reminded Lily that people were not perfect. She was not perfect and neither was James. Relationships were not perfect.
Relationship. There was that word again. A daunting thing, it was. Chalk full of expectations and risks. James thought of it as some sort of grand adventure. Lily thought it sounded more like a punishment – like being asked to swim across the ocean, with no guarantee she'd reach the other side. Tragedy felt more probable than success.
James spotted her, smiled, and stood from his friends. He joined her on the couch, pulling her hand into his lap, tracing patterns on her palm.
"How was your day, love?" he asked. She watched him for a moment, enjoyed the feeling of his calloused hand enveloping hers. She sighed.
"It could have been better," she said. This had become their ritual – talking about their days, even if they spent most of it together.
"Yeah? Why's that?" he asked, placing his arm around her shoulders.
"Oh I don't know," said Lily, "Professor Slughorn said my potions seemed a bit off from my usual work. And McGongall held me after class. Apparently my last essay was less than exemplary."
"Ah, I'd wondered why she'd wanted to speak to you."
Lily nodded, resting her head on his shoulder. "How was practice?"
It was James' turn to sigh. "McLaren's still late when running the plays. I'm actually starting to get a bit worried."
"You could beat Hufflepuff in your sleep, James."
"Yes, but McLaren's where he's supposed to be when I dream about trouncing Hufflepuff," he said, placing a kiss in her hair.
Lily chuckled, and snuggled further into James' side. It was odd, how the stress off the day melted away when she was with him. She stared and their entwined hands, felt the way he held her close, and although there were no fireworks, no sparks dancing across her skin at his touch, she knew he was worth the risk. There was a gentle reassurance in his presence. A calm that surrounded her, resonated within her, and suddenly, being his girlfriend seemed like the simplest decision in the world. In some ways, it didn't seem like enough.
"James," she whispered. Her words were muffled by his robes.
"Yeah?" His reply was deep, sleepy, relaxed. She looked up and noticed that his eyes were closed.
"I'll be your girlfriend," she told him softly.
There was no response at first, then he shifted his weight, drawing her closer as he smiled and kissed her forehead.
"I knew I'd wear you down eventually."
She laughed, enjoying the warmth that washed over her as they sat together in the common room. There was still a bit of fear that bubbled up within her when she thought too hard about the years ahead and all that she stood to lose. But instead of dwelling on that, she chose to trust in the moment, in the resonating safety she felt with James. And she began to make new rules – like being willing to break them more often.