Part XIX

Strange as it had felt to be back in Pella after nearly two months' time, Hephaestion felt no such oddness returning to Mieza after so many years away. It was a peaceful place even without Aristotle there to prattle on for hours on end about some theory or another. He, Alexander, and the others had grown to manhood on those remote hills and to return again was almost a relief. Moreso when he considered the fact that he should have been on his way to Athens then. It still amazed him that his father had relented and allowed him to return to Pella. And now to Mieza where they had no guard beyond the sentries watching the paths that led up to the sanctuary of the Nymphs.

"It almost feels as though we have come home again," Alexander murmured as they approached the stables, leading Bucephalas on his line.

"The only thing missing is Aristotle's endless ramblings," Leonnatus spoke up.

Nearchus snorted in amusement. "How would you know? Half the time you were either asleep or had wandered off."

"You should know considering it was often your idea to wander off."

Hephaestion could not contain a grin as Harpalus, often the true instigator of their delinquency, simply went about caring for his mount. And even though Hephaestion could feel tiredness creeping into his body, he began to brush Xanthus down, using a stiff curry comb on his sweaty flanks. The twitching of the gelding's ears was proof enough of his appreciation.

"I could take care of him if you wanted to go rest," Alexander offered as he draped Bucephalas saddle cloth over the divider that separated their stalls.

Arching an eyebrow of Xanthus' broad back, Hephaestion paused in his work momentarily. "You are no doubt as tired as I am so I will hardly take advantage of that. Besides, you are meant to rest here also, not just me."

"It is not taking advantage if I offer."

"But it is if I accept," Hephaestion countered. "Now go care for your brute before he becomes impatient and stomps on your foot."

Though there was still a part of Hephaestion that was desperate to accept the offer, he would rather be slightly more tired than continue to be coddled. He was capable of caring for himself and did not need others—not even Alexander –doing what he could easily do himself. The fact that he would be tired afterwards was hardly a valid reason to have others see to his chores because there would certainly be time sin the future when such things would not matter. Hephaestion had every intention of being at Alexander's side when the king finally set out for Persia and despite what some of the others in the Vanguard thought, the Persians would not simply bow down before Philip's might. Both the battles at the travel there would be difficult so there was no harm in readying himself for hardships.

For the moment, though, Hephaestion contented himself with the fact that he was currently away from so many prying eyes. With luck, by the time they returned to Pella in a month's time there would be something new to gossip about. His hair would have grown back sufficiently by then so as to longer be quite so noticeable. He could simply pretend that none of it had ever happened. The scars on his body would never truly fade, but others could be lessened.

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Tired as he was, Alexander found it impossible to close his eyes. For the first time in so very long Hephaestion seemed utterly relaxed as he slept. There was no hidden tension that he could detect and the nervous grunts that had punctuated his sleep were once again becoming the soft sighs that Alexander had come to secretly adore during their years together. Even before they had begun to share a bed, Alexander had become fascinated with watching Hephaestion sleep.

It was only an extreme force of will that kept Alexander from touching Hephaestion, especially when he was finally sleeping so peacefully. Through the open window of the room, the moonlight was shining on Hephaestion's bare arms and back, painting his skin silver. The healing scars on his back which were thick and pink in the daylight stood out even more at night. They would mark Hephaestion for the rest of his life.

As a child, Alexander had always thought his father's scars made him more frightening; none more than the arrow that had blinded his right eye. Alexander was hard-pressed to find anything frightening about Hephaestion's. To Alexander, those scars only added to his beauty. He was like Ares, battle-scarred and dangerous. Yet there was a beauty to Ares that could not be diminished regardless of his ferocity. Aphrodite herself had loved the war god.

Hephaestion's fingers twitched suddenly very close to Alexander's own. The second time they curled inwards, gripping the sheet below, Alexander reached over and laid his hand atop his love's. The tension that he could feel in the limb slowly began to bleed away, the phantoms haunting Hephaestion's dreams fading momentarily into the background.

More surprising was that as Alexander slid his fingertips along Hephaestion's arm, up to his elbow, a brief smile appeared on the other man's face. It lasted for only a fraction of a second, but Alexander was overjoyed to see it. If Hephaestion could smile in his sleep it meant that his dreams were not so terrible. Content that Hephaestion's rest would likely be peaceful, Alexander allowed his own lids to finally droop shut.

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The water felt brilliant as it flowed over him. Not quite cold enough to be icy, but chilled enough to awaken all of his senses. Alexander was seated on a rocky overhang, legs dangling into the water, occasionally splashing water at Hephaestion who swam nearby. The two of them had managed to evade their erstwhile bodyguards and go alone to the river. Over the past few days the others had been good at leaving them to their own devices which Hephaestion was grateful for. As much as he enjoyed their company, more often he would have rather been alone with Alexander.

"You will turn into a block of ice if you stay in there much longer," Alexander chuckled, kicking water at him once again.

Hephaestion had backed up far enough so that only a few drops landed on him. "It is refreshing. Almost as though I am being cleansed all the way through. As someone who is so fond of bathing, you would enjoy this."

To that Alexander kicked more water at him. "And in case you have failed to notice, those baths you speak of have tended to be warm."

"I forgot that you are a pampered prince," Hephaestion murmured, smiling fondly at his love. "Whatever will you do when your father heads off to Persia and you cannot get a hot bath?"

"I am certain that I will find some way to warm myself."

Knowing that Alexander was referring to him, Hephaestion released a deep breath. Much as he longed to find such solace with Alexander once again, he could not so easily wash away the effects of his time spent in Illyria. Hephaestion had been taken by more men than he could recall and could even now feel their hands upon him.

Feeling a shudder about to overtake him and not wanting Alexander to see it, Hephaestion quickly submerged himself in the water. The feel of hands upon him increased then, fingers probing and grabbing at his skin. They moved over his skin, alternating between featherlight touches and a bruising clamp of fingers. And even though some part of his brain reminded him that he was underwater, Hephaestion opened his mouth and began to scream. Air bubbles exploded around his face as he struggled against the hands holding tightly to his upper arms.

Hephaestion was momentarily caught off guard when his foot made contact with a solid object and his shock lasted long enough for him to be hauled to the surface. Sputtering and gasping, he held his body rigid, blinking rapidly to clear his vision of water and see the other person with him.

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When Hephaestion had first ducked under the water, Alexander had not given it much though. That he had not immediately come back up caused a bit of concern. It was not until the mass of bubbles had broken the surface that Alexander had jumped into the water. He swam frantically to where Hephaestion was and grabbed onto his upper arms, struggling to pull the squirming man above the water. Hephaestion was frenzied as he fought against him, twisting about like a hooked fish.

And though he wanted nothing more than to clasp his love to him, Alexander released Hephaestion once they cleared the surface. Staying only an arm's length away from him at all times, Alexander watched helplessly as Hephaestion spat out the water he had swallowed. Even more difficult was watching him struggle to reorient himself.

"Phae?" Alexander said quietly, skimming his fingers over the surface of the water near to where Hephaestion stood. "Are you all right?"

Hephaestion inhaled sharply, shaking himself suddenly. He blinked slowly, recognition returning to his eyes after a few moments. A few minutes longer before he was able to look Alexander in the eye. As always, despite Hephaestion's best efforts, Alexander could see the emotions his beloved was trying so hard to hide.

"I do not think I will make a very good bed fellow any longer," Hephaestion murmured, darting his eyes away.

Reaching a hand up, Alexander let his palm rest on Hephaestion's cheek. "That you are alive and well is a blessing to me and so long as I can hold you in my arms I am content. Simply to have my hand upon your cheek and feeling your breath against my wrist is a wonder to me. It is not your body I desire, Hephaestion, it is you."

The struggle was clearly visible in Hephaestion's face and desperate as he was to remove that uncertainly from his features, Alexander knew that he cold not. It was ultimately Hephaestion alone who would decide when to release his demons.

Alexander started to draw away, but immediately held fast when Hephaestion's hands shot out of the water and latched onto his forearm. Hephaestion did not say a word, but his eyes slid shut and for a moment he seemed at peace.

"I can still remember," Hephaestion said at last, eyes still closed, "waking in that cart with my arms bound above my head. I felt sick from the blow to the back of my head and did not dare open my eyes… but I could still hear them. There was no way I could shut out the voices. Telling me things they planned to do to me once the chains were gone...."

Though what he heard alternately sickened him and filled him with rage, Alexander did not try to stop the words. Hephaestion needed to erase those memories from his soul. Alexander would have scoured them away weeks ago if it had been in his power. All that he could do was listen while Hephaestion wept and raged, offering a supportive shoulder to lean against and guiding them out of the water when he noticed Hephaestion's lips turning blue. On the bank of the river, Alexander wrapped them both up in his cloak, holding Hephaestion close to him as they sat huddled against a sun-warmed rock.

More than a month's worth of atrocities poured from Hephaestion and Alexander stored up each one, committing it to memory so that he could never again doubt Hephaestion's strength or his love. So that he would never again fall victim to his mother's ploys and intrigues. All of those horrors had been exacted upon Hephaestion because of his mother. All of his imaginings were nothing compared to what Hephaestion was revealing, most of which he could not even fathom one being doing to another.

It was exhaustion that finally silenced Hephaestion. He rested against Alexander's chest, not speaking, but not asleep. Dazed. Alexander felt equally drained, though he had done nothing but listen to Hephaestion speak. There was likely still more that Hephaestion had not spoken of, but it was a start. Hephaestion was finally beginning to unload his burdens, no longer locking them within himself.

Eventually, Hephaestion's eyes began to drift shut, sleep finally overtaking him. Drained as he was, though, Alexander could find no rest. Much as he tried to prevent it, his mind was painting pictures with the words that had recently tumbled from Hephaestion's lips. The things that he saw were images that would haunt his nightmares for years to come. Nightmares that he knew would still be mere shadows of the ones Hephaestion would suffer.

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Every time that Hephaestion would begin to feel himself wake, there would be something to ease him back into slumber. While normally he would fight against whatever wanted him to stay asleep, that time he could not muster the effort it would take. The touches were familiar and gentle so Hephaestion let himself be kept asleep. Alexander was with him so he would be safe.

Hephaestion stood next to Alexander at the prow of the ship, watching as he hefted a spear about in his right hand, preparing to throw it. When he finally released the weapon, it sailed true, flying over the waves to embed itself in the wet sand just past the water's edge. The cornel-wood shaft vibrated with the force of the throw for a few moments before stilling.

With a mighty roar worthy of any Homeric hero, Alexander launched himself over the rail and into the water. No one followed, all of them watching Alexander's progress towards the spear. Only when both feet were out of the water did Alexander reach for the spear, grasping it in his right hand and holding it above his head.

"Greece will win back all her lands in Asia by spear! We will defeat the Persians!" Alexander shouted, echoed a moment later by the cries of the army. Alexander hoisted the spear high a second time, screaming a battle paean that had all of the men rushing from the boats, Hephaestion among them.

While most men were more eager to find a patch of land to claim as their own for the night's festivities, Hephaestion made straight for Alexander. For a brief moment he stood in wonder of his own Achilles before he was enveloped in a crushing hug.

"We have made it, Hephaestion. My Patroclus. We are finally here."

Hephaestion woke slowly, warmed all the way through. He did not open his eyes immediately, but instead enjoyed the heat of the fire that was warming him. He could sense Alexander nearby, a fact that kept him relaxed. Where the others were it did not matter so long as Alexander stayed with him.

Feeling himself beginning to drowse again and not wanting to, Hephaestion blinked his eyes open. He kept the lids slitted open at first, getting used to the light while scanning for Alexander. He saw Alexander's bare right foot before he saw the rest of him. Alexander was close enough so that he only needed to stretch his right arm out only a bit to rest his palm over the foot.

"How are you feeling?" Alexander whispered as he slid his hand through Hephaestion's hair. "You have been asleep for several hours."

Grunting, Hephaestion squeezed Alexander's foot briefly before heaving himself into a seated position. "You should have woken me."

"I thought it best to let you sleep. In any case I like being out here. Far more peaceful than dealing with the others."

Hephaestion agreed wholeheartedly, a smile his only response.

When he had sat up, the cloak that was covering him fell away, baring his naked torso to the chill night breeze. Hephaestion glanced about for his chiton only to have it passed to him by Alexander.

"I did not wish to wake you by trying to dress you," Alexander said by way of explanation.

It seemed strange to him that Alexander should need to explain such things. They both knew each other's bodies as intimately s they knew their own. Hephaestion could name the cause of nearly every scar on Alexander's body and had no doubt that his love was capable of the same with the exception of his newer injuries.

"We should return to the lodgings before the others begin to worry," Hephaestion said as he fumbled about with his chiton.

"They have already been looking," Alexander informed him, his voice slightly muffled as Hephaestion slipped his chiton over his head. "Ptolemy found us and he and Leonnatus brought down food and bedrolls. We need not return before we are ready."

Hephaestion was glad to hear it because he was not quite ready to be among the others yet. Though he was awake, he felt quite out of sorts. Telling Alexander of some of the things that had been done to him at the mines had not been his intention. He would have rather kept them from his love indefinitely. Hephaestion could not even recall what had first drawn the words out of his mouth. The aftermath of the telling, however, had left him feeling incredibly numb. And there was still so much more left to be told. Things that Hephaestion was not sure he would ever be able to speak of, not even to Alexander.

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While not offering up any information, Hephaestion would speak when Alexander said something to him directly. Even then, though, Hephaestion would not use more words than was necessary. Alexander felt uncertain, unsure of whether he should bring up Hephaestion's earlier revelations or just leave them unmentioned. In the past he would base such things on Hephaestion himself, but for the moment he was having a difficult time reading the other man. That fact worried Alexander for entirely different reasons.

"The rabbits are finished," Alexander announced, turning the spit a final time. "Pas me the knife there."

Between the two of them they got the rabbits off the spit and stripped, setting it out on a clean, flat rock. Alexander kept the meat in one communal pile, but kept track of what Hephaestion ate. Instead of regaining his appetite as he began to heal, Hephaestion continued to eat very little. Most days he would only pick at the food presented to him, eating only enough to allow his body to continue functioning. Being as unobtrusive as possible, Alexander continued sliding more meat towards Hephaestion when he noticed his side of the pile growing small. He also kept talking so as to distract him from the fact that he was still eating; rambling on about Xenophon and Homer in hopes of holding his attention. Only when Hephaestion began to yawn excessively did Alexander slow his speech, allowing his love to stretch out on his bedroll. Hephaestion had eaten a good portion of the rabbits so he was content.

"I did not think of you during," Hephaestion said quietly after Alexander already thought him asleep. "Afterwards you were all that I could see, but while it was happening I would force my mind away so that I would not confuse things later."

Rising from his own bedroll, Alexander went to Hephaestion's. He did not say a word as he settled himself behind Hephaestion, drawing the taller man's unresisting body back against his chest. If anything, Hephaestion seemed to settle against him, his body relaxing so that chest and back fit together as they always had. Having been granted permission at an earlier time, Alexander slowly slid his hand over Hephaestion's side to rest against his chest. After a moment, Hephaestion's hand enveloped his and guided it up higher so that it rested close to his chest. Hephaestion did not realize Alexander's hand rested close to his chest. Hephaestion did not release Alexander's hand.

"I knew that if I could stand it just a little bit more you would be there." Hephaestion squeezed Alexander's hand lightly as he spoke. "I had to stay alive because I knew that you would come for me and I could not let you find me dead... or not at all. No matter what they tried to convince me, I knew that you would not abandon me. Achilles always came for Patroclus."

"Just as I will always come for you," Alexander pledged, forcing himself not to ask who "they" were. Hephaestion would tell the story at his own pace and in his own words. "I will never leave you behind."

Hephaestion squeezed his hand again, threading their fingers together. "The only thing I was ever unsure of was whether I would still be alive when you finally reached the mines. There were always so many of them...."

"Yet even then you killed one of them while others would have been too weak to even attempt fighting back."

"I do not remember doing it," Hephaestion said after several long moments of silence. "Only the end, when he was lying bleeding on my bunk and I had the knife in my hand. It was nothing more than a bit of rock I'd sharpened along the edges. After I killed him, the foreman destroyed it. Smashed it under his foot. That night there were five.... How can you stand to touch me knowing how many have used me?"

Alexander stared at the back of Hephaestion's head, confused. "You speak as though you were a willing harlot and not someone forced against his will."

In his arms Hephaestion shuddered briefly. "Is there really a difference if I knew the way to stop them? All that I had to do was renounce my love for you and swear an oath to never again set foot in Macedon or ever again seek you out. I would have injured no one, but to do any of that would have been the same as cutting out my own heart."

"How would they have known if you broke faith? A vow given under duress can hardly be expected to be upheld," Alexander rationalized, drumming his fingers lightly over Hephaestion's chest.

"I would have been sent to Caria in Asia Minor to serve with a band of Illyrian mercenaries there."

Hephaestion's words were barely spoken above a whisper, but Alexander heard them as though they had been shouted. If such things had come to pass then it was entirely possible that within little more than a year he and Hephaestion would have been fighting on opposite sides of a war that the Greeks had no intention of losing. Alexander could only tremble as he thought of what would have happened when the Greek army reached Caria. How it would have been to stumble across Hephaestion's corpse among the enemy dead.

"I had a chance at freedom, I was simply too stubborn to take it."

None of the responses that came immediately to Alexander's mind seemed appropriate. He could hardly thank Hephaestion for choosing a course that would not make them enemies considering all that Hephaestion had suffered as a result.

"It is not stubborn to refuse to go against your own nature," Alexander said at last, taking care to choose his words. "More than anything it shows your strength."

"I want nothing more than to believe you," Hephaestion sighed tiredly.

Alexander kissed the back of his neck. "Then do. It is what I believe."