Disclaimer: Sadly enough, I don't own anything. This is written for pure enjoyment only and no profit to be gained!
A/N: Ok, so I want to just get Bobby out of the hospital and it would be kind of boring (IMO) if I just kept writing the next five chapter of him being in the hospital for another week or more (and I think I would suck at it), so here we go…(Rubs hands together).
CHAPTER: 7
Bobby had been in the hospital for a little over a week now. He and Alex had fallen into the same routine even though, Bobby had told her several times that she didn't need to stay with him.
She refused leave his side though unless absolutely necessary and it would never be for more than a few moments except for the few occasions. The few exceptions were the times when she had to go home to shower and change clothes. Every time she left, her anxiety level would soar at ridiculously high levels. She was literally scared to leave him.
After the second or third time of having to leave him, a nurse spotted Alex's unwillingness to leave his side and recommended that she bring a change of clothes to the hospital and clean up there. Alex cursed herself inwardly for not having thought of this before, but was apprehensive of the whole thing. She figured the staff here were already sick of her presence, though none of them ever complained.
Those few times when she did leave, she always returned and stayed the night with him. She was already sluggish within the first few days and it was beginning to take a real toll on her. She felt so miserably weak now, but she would not allow herself to admit it; especially to Bobby. She wouldn't give into the feeling of wanting to go home, curl up in bed, and sleep for days. She didn't want to leave him; especially alone at night even after he said he would be find on numerous occasions.
She was afraid…afraid of so many things.
What if he woke up when I wasn't there and started to panic? What if he did need me and didn't want to admit it? What if he was planning on another attempt at…suicide? No, no, now you're just being an idiot.
There were many different situations that had come up in her head and Alex wasn't sure if Bobby really needed her or wanted her around, but she sure in the hell didn't want to find out what his actions would be if he awoke in a panic state and she was nowhere to be found.
Bobby and Alex were both awake, though silence lingered heavily in the air as the doctor walked in.
"You seem to be healing well, Mr. Goren. How do you feel?" The doctor asked, picking up Bobby's chart at the end of the bed.
Bobby could now lie on his side, though he still felt the pain. He turned his head towards Alex, fully on his right side now, and buried his head in the pillow so the doctor couldn't see his face. He felt like a little kid but he didn't care at this point.
Mentally or physically? He had to joke within. Just lie so you can get the fuck out of here.
Shrugging his shoulders, he finally spoke. "I feel fine." He mumbled.
"Any problems breathing?"
"No." Bobby thickly stated.
"That's a very good sign. You're healing very well. I tell you what, if someone stays with you, then I can release you tomorrow afternoon. Someone has to be with you, to monitor you at all times though. Do you have anyone that can stay with you? A close friend or a family member possibly?"
Screw you!
After Bobby physical clenched every muscle he had in his body, his eyes briefly shifted from the doctor back to Alex and shook his head.
Screw you is right, Dr. Perfect. You probably have the perfect life. Bobby glanced at the gold wedding band on the doctor's ring finger. The perfect, ridiculously high paying job, the perfect wife, the perfect kids…the all around perfect 'American dream' life. Yeah, fuck you indeed!
Alex cringed by the question and instantly recognized the painful response that Bobby produced physically. The doctor didn't go without noticing it either.
Bobby dipped his head back into the pillow and began to silently cry at the doctor's slight mention of a family member.
Yeah, you really want to know all about my family, don't you? You want to see what raw marks really look like doctor?
The pain, agony and anger flowed back into Bobby; circulation through his veins once more. Hollow. Yeah, that's the correct word. Nothing like feeling hollow and empty inside. Bobby doesn't have anyone in his life that could take care of him. Close friends? What are those again? And he certainly does not have a family member that could be by his side. Hell, he'd been taking care of himself since he was a young teenager so why should it be any different now? Well, it was because before he wasn't lying in a hospital and now, when he needed someone to take care of him, there was no one in sight.
Now I remember why I don't want to live…Way to pound the nail even deeper, Doc.
Alex immediately sensed the problem and spoke up in Bobby's behalf. "I'll stay with him. I'll take care of him." She declared and she meant it. She sure in the hell wasn't going to leave him alone.
You'll what? Bobby thought. Did I hear her correctly? And then. She's nuttier than I am!
"Very well then." The doctor nodded, though he wasn't surprised by her gesture. "He's to be monitored at all times. You will have to change his bandage, keep a close eye on his stitches and make sure he takes his medication. I'll supply you with a kit for all of this; bandages and whatnot."
After the doctor left, Bobby started to tremble but didn't realize it. He was too caught up in his rationalities.
Why the hell would she want to stay with me? I've caused her nothing but pain.
"It's ok, Bobby. I won't leave you. I promise." She said, placing her hand on top of his head ever so gently, yet territorially. She saw him physically relax this time at the small contact. She could tell he was stunned by her willingness to help him, but that didn't matter.
I won't let anything happen to you.
Bobby's mind was racing a 1000 miles per hour and then, it stopped; only one word came to mind and he swallowed hard.
Don't blow this, Goren.
"Promise?" He pleaded as he shuffled his hands underneath his head, still lying on his right side, curled up in a ball like an adolescent.
At least I still have her. God, I hope I do. Then more tears came. Of course I do, idiot, she's been by my side the entire time.
Alex was taken back by his question. She thought for sure that he'd resist, but he didn't. She let out the breath that she'd been holding. "Yes, Bobby, I promise." She smiled at him.
He needed someone. He needs me.
When the doctor asked if he had anyone that could stay with him, she wanted to say, 'If you only knew.' If he was going to make it through this successfully, then he needed someone to be by his side because she knew this time, he couldn't do it alone. She knew that if something like this happened again, it would be too late. He wouldn't recover from it again.
Never again.
They really hadn't said much to each other since the mention of him going home tomorrow. Neither one of them had yet to bring up the incident; though Alex had every intention of bringing it up later on. She wanted to wait though, wait until they were 'home;' where ever home was.
The next morning, Bobby was eager to get the hell out of the hospital. He was still in pain, but it that was the least of his worries. Besides, he was never one to complain about a little discomfort. He just wanted to go home, go home and think. He was constantly thinking, analyzing everything and the place where he could do that the best was in his own apartment. That's one of the reasons he had problems sleeping; racing thoughts. He could never shut his brain off. No matter how hard he tried to fall asleep, his brain fought even harder. He was a very complex man and at times, it annoyed him.
Bobby knew he had a lot of things he needed to sort out, but all he was concerned about right now was walking out of here. He worried though: What was it going to be like at home?
Around noon the doctor came in and checked his vitals one last time to make sure everything was in order. He gave Alex, Bobby's prescriptions that he had to take: various antibiotics and pain meds, which he already faxed down to the pharmacy in the hospital, as well as a bag of medical bandages and other supplies.
After signing the release forms, Bobby reached to grab his clothes in his bag of possessions to go changed when he realized that he had nothing to change into. He looked down at the floor helplessly and then shamefully looked back up to Alex with those innocent, help me puppy dog eyes. They were empty, almost. The only thing that filled his brown pools was sorrow.
Alex hadn't thought about anything passed getting out of the hospital.
Fuck.
He had a shirt, the one that he came in here with but he couldn't wear that. He had no pants either.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!
"I'm so sorry, Bobby." She said as she looked at his faced and stepped towards him. He was filled with nothing but guilt, as was she. "I'll run to a nearby store down the road and get you something to change into. Sweatpants and a t-shirt, ok?" She said as she reached for his forearm and softly squeezed it.
He only nodded and started to make his way back to the bed when he swiftly turned back to face her; startling her in the process.
"Y…You have nothing to be sorry for, Eames." He quietly stated, not making eye contact. He hadn't talked much since he had woken up, but he knew that that was one thing he had to say. He needed to reassure her and she took note on that and mentally smiled.
I got your message loud and clear, Bobby.
After making sure that he was back in bed, Alex quickly made her way out of his room, out of the hospital, and down the street to a nearby store.
She wasn't sure of his size, but how hard was it to pick out sweatpants and a t-shirt? She grabbed a pair of black sweatpants, a black t-shirt and a black with grey Adidas sweatshirt to keep him warm. As she passed through the aisles, she spotted some socks and reached for them as well.
Oh hell, what about underwear? How about nooo! I'm going to assume that the nurses regularly "changed" him at some point, so I'm not going to worry about that. It would make both of us uncomfortable if I tossed him a pair of underwear. If he doesn't have any on, then he can go without them…
Alex promptly checked out, mentally trying to account for everything she had gotten. She hoped the clothes would fit him. He has shoes, right? Yeah.
About 45 minutes later, Alex walked back into Bobby's room where her gaze immediately went to his bed. She started to panic when she saw that he was no longer in his bed, but her panic quickly ceased when she spotted him sitting in a chair in the corner by the window; peering out towards the city. He looked lost, so distant from the world.
"Bobby?" He slowly rotated his neck to look at her. After turning back briefly to look outside once more, he unsteadily got to his feet. "I wasn't sure what to…to get you…so…here." She declared and handed him the bag of items she had bought him.
"Thanks." He shyly stated and then made his way into the bathroom.
Not even ten minutes later, Bobby came out of the bathroom wearing the articles of clothing that Alex had picked up for him.
Slowly he walked up to her. "Thanks, E—Eames." He tried to force a smile and then mumbled, "Comfortable. I can't remember the last time I wore comfortable clothing." He disclosed and for a moment, a very brief moment, Alex thought she heard a small hint of happiness or contentment in his voice. A glimmer of cheerfulness and possibly hope in his eyes.
Maybe, just maybe…
"It's ok, Bobby. Let's get out of here, ok?" Bobby nodded.
Walking out the doorway a few steps behind Bobby, they made their way down the hallway and to the elevator. The doctor and nurses offered Bobby a wheel chair that they strongly recommended he use to get to the car, but of course, he declined.
Stubborn bastard.
Once the elevator doors closed, Alex turned to face, Bobby. "Are you ok?" She asked, watching him as he heavily leaned against the side of the elevator. He was gripping the hand rail so tightly that his knuckles started to turn white. The small walk to the elevator had already taken a toll on him.
"I'm fine." He muttered and loosened his grip as he breathed deeply.
"Do we need to stop anywhere and pick anything up? I need to pick up your prescriptions at the pharmacy on the first floor."
"I don't know…" He answered, clearly tired and not all with it now. "I don't need the prescriptions." He attempted, but was immediately shot down.
"Yes, Bobby, you do."
He just looked at her and sighed. He wasn't going to argue with her. Not today. He was too fucking tired with one hell of a bad of a head ache to attempt it.
Alex was relieved to find that his prescriptions were already ready to be picked up when she got to the counter. Bobby was leaning against the wall with his eyes shut most of the time while he waited for her.
Within a matter of minutes, both Bobby and Alex were headed out towards her car. Alex watched him, a few steps behind him, as they started walking out to the parking garage. He looked like he was limping a bit and wincing from the pain. He was trying not to twist too much, but it wasn't helping any.
Catching up with him, she grabbed his arm and linked hers through it. "Come on, Bobby. My car is over here." She said, turning him a few degrees to steer him in the right direction.
Once they were in the car, Bobby almost immediately fell asleep. Alex was happy to see him rest, but she was also worried. A nervous wreck was more like it. She knew this was going to be hard for him…for both of them and she knew there would be nightmares to come. She was sure of it. The look on his face when he had first woken up sealed the deal.
Bobby was such a strong man and had never asked anyone for help, so it was going to take a lot of work for her to break through his outer shell that he'd built up for so long. Alex never took it personally though. She was well aware of the fact that he didn't only try and shut her out, but all other people that got to close as well. Slowly though, over the years, she's managed to fracture some of those walls and get through.
As she drove towards his apartment, Alex remembered that she had nothing with her to wear and no toiletries either. She mentally cursed as she briefly glanced over and the sleeping for in the passengers seat, and then turned and made her way towards her place.
When she pulled up in front of her place, she turned and looked at, Bobby. She chewed on her lip debating whether or not to wake him. She didn't want to wake him just to haul his ass into her house for a few minutes while she packed, so ultimately she decided to just leave him asleep in the car and hope that she could pack in record time.
Like a madwoman, Alex ran around her place grabbing different items of clothing and other necessities; shoving them into numerous bags, not caring about order. She hoped Bobby was still asleep, god only knew if he had woken up. She didn't know how long she would be with him, so she packed a few bags that she slung over her shoulder as she made her way through the doorway and outside.
She was relieved to see him still sound asleep with the seat lounged back and his breathing slow. She smiled and watched him for a few seconds before she threw her items in the back and took off.
Damn, he's so worn out.
Pulling up to his apartment, she quickly parked and then turned to look at him. She wanted to reach out and touch him, but she resisted the urge. She didn't want to wake him, but she couldn't leave him in the car, lying in a much uncomfortable position for the size of a man he was. Walking around to the other side, she cautiously opened the door making sure he didn't fall out; since his lower half was partially pushed up against it.
"Bobby. Bobby, wake up. We're here." She cooed, hesitantly reaching up and grabbing his right shoulder. She was afraid to startle him, but she tried again. "Bobby, wake up." This time she shook him a bit, careful of his still healing wound. This did the trick and after a few moments, Bobby stirred and opened his eyes.
"Eames?"
"Come on, Bobby. We're at your place."
"Ugh, I don't want to go." He mumbled as he reluctantly took off his seat belt and stammered onto the ground.
Bobby didn't really know what he wanted. He had mixed emotions. He sure in the hell didn't plan for anything after being shot. Who the hell does? He figured he'd be in…well, not alive; so planning after the aftermath was something he just did not do. He just wanted it all to go away. He knew where he had previous been and it was not a pretty sight…he just wasn't sure where he was going now.
"You can go back to sleep when we get up there, ok?"
He only groaned at the pain and then nodded. He couldn't remember ever being this tired. He thought it had something to do with the fact that sleeping takes away the pain and hurt of worrying about things, but he wasn't sure. He tried to 'sleep' permanently but, Alex would not allow it. If it wasn't for her, he wouldn't be here right now, standing here. He wasn't sure if he should thank her or hate her.
I could never hate, Alex Eames. She's truly an amazing partner and person…it's just that…Damn, why did she have to show up at my apartment? Shit, I don't think she could've had better timing!
Bobby still wasn't sure about this whole situation. His life…it was a mess and turning worse by the day. He still didn't want to live. Fuck, it would've been so much easier if he would've died. Now…now he has to deal with all of this. What the hell was he going to do? He felt lost…trapped in his own demon filled mind. His thoughts of previous horrid days were slowly coming back to him. He felt so lost and alone. So undefined…and then he remembered Alex next to him.
Alex grabbed the bags from the back seat and followed a staggering Bobby up to his apartment. As they made their way into the apartment building, she spotted the landlord; of course, one of the people that witnessed the whole incident take place outside.
"Bobby. Glad to have you back." The older gentleman spoke up. Bobby only nodded to him and the few other people that were looking at him as he continued to make his torturous walk to the elevator.
Once inside, Bobby turned to Alex. "Do…Does he know what…what happened?"
"I don't think so. I know he saw you getting into an ambulance; a lot of people did. On your floor, several people came out of their apartment when they heard the gunshot, but I told them to go back inside. Of course, when the paramedics took you away, they were all peering their heads down the hallway. I don't know if they know you…or not." She said, stumbling over the last few words. She wasn't sure how to address him or this matter and he hadn't really confirmed that he was actually trying to kill himself; though she knew deep down that he was. She would deal with this though, she had to.
"What's done…is done." He exhaled deeply as he pushed the button, indicating the floor number.
Once he stood in front of his apartment door, he looked to Alex for an answer.
"I have the key, Bobby." She said, handing it to him.
He gradually unlocked the door and as he begun to open it, he closed his eyes briefly. He wasn't sure why but he was afraid to go into his apartment. Truth be told, he wanted to be as far away as possibly from it.
Why did I want to come home again? God, please tell me.
Opening his eyes once more, he stepped one size 13 foot in his apartment and then his eyes fell down to the ground. There lay a pool of blood. His blood. It was like his own reflection was staring back at him as he inhaled deeply and unconsciously stepped back a few inches.
Blood seemed to be everywhere. He turned his head to the side, wishing that once he turned forward again, the view in front of him would change. Vanish.
What a nightmare.
Jesus Christ.
Alex noted the problem and tried to make her way around him, but failed. "It's ok, Bobby. I'll clean it up. Go rest."
"No!" He yelped and then softened his voice. "It's not your problem. I can do it." He spoke unsurely.
After a few more seconds, he sluggishly made his way over to the sink and grabbed a dish towel. Ruggedly walking back towards his own source of being, he slowly and gently bent down and started to wipe and scrape away the blood that was now dried. His body protested the entire time and he groaned and winced uncontrollably, but that was only the half of it. This is definitely not what he pictured he'd be doing after he, 'unintentionally' shot himself. He'd never even considered the blood that would be left for him upon his arrival. It seemed to be radiating off the floor.
Painful memories…no, it's more than that.
Satisfied that it was all cleaned up, he slowly got back on his feet and staggered a bit. Alex reached her hands out to steady him, but he shook his head. Her hands immediately went back down to her sides. Gripping the counter tightly, he threw the towel away in the garbage and then paused briefly. He took note in his gun lying gently on the counter. He recalled briefly as he closed his eyes, Alex reaching her hand out and grabbing it from him. He opened his eyes and looked back down to the floor and then back up to Alex. Alex saw him looking at the gun but said nothing. He then turned and made his way into his bedroom after wistfully looking at Alex one last time. He shut the door, not hard; blocking Alex from himself.
What was that look? Damn, if only I was a mind reader. But what was he thinking? I saw it, I saw him look at his gun. I'm no fool…but he can't be. Not again. He can't be going down that road already traveled once, can he?
Alex grabbed the gun, taking the clip out and decided to stash them both away; away from him.
She could see it in his eyes. He was holding back the tears, but the pain was still present. His heart was bleeding so many different emotions that she was afraid he'd stop all together. Stop what? She wasn't sure but feared the outcomes of what.
Bobby, confide in me, please. I'm here. Open your eyes and remember who I am. I haven't left you. I haven't deserted you and I never will. Look at me, remember me and remember who I am…even through the pain. God, come back to me. She pleaded as the tears accumulated and then streamed down her face.
Wiping her tears away, Alex looked around and decided to see what sort of food supplies Bobby would have. Noting that he didn't have much, she found enough supplies to be able to make some spaghetti and let him hopefully get some rest. She didn't want to push him right now. He needed some space but not too much. She figured he went to change and take a nap, so she stayed away and out of his room. He needed his time alone right now and besides, she was only a few feet away from him if he needed anything.
I hope I don't fuck this up.
When Bobby shut the door, he felt like he was protecting her from himself. She didn't need to know him and know of his pain that lingered in his head. He shook as he ever so slowly pulled off the sweatshirt. He hissed at the pain when he pulled his arms above his head, but no matter, he didn't care. He was comfortable in the clothes she had bought him, so he decided to leave the black t-shirt on. He briefly went to his drawer and pulled out a clean pair of boxers. He wasn't a briefs kind of man and that was what the hospital had given him.
Sitting on the bed, he lifted his butt off the bed, all in pain, and took off his sweatpants and underwear. He quickly slipped on his boxers and then re-put his sweatpants on. He was thankful that she didn't walk in on him during this time. He wanted to take a shower and rinse the filth off of him but the doctor told him sponge baths only for a week.
How ridiculous!
He was still so lost and it, this didn't feel right. Living, it felt almost alien like to him right now. He wanted, need to desperately get away from it…and then he remembered. His head shot over to his nightstand. His backup piece. He opened the drawer slowly and glanced down at it. It lied there, almost as if it were calling his name. He felt his body tense up. Should I? I could end this nightmare right here, right now. And then he heard movement in the kitchen and remembered that his partner was here. Alexandra Eames. Possibly his best friend. She is my best friend. He frowned and slowly closed the drawer. He couldn't…not with her here. He could never do something like that to her…and then he remembered that he already had; though he didn't mean for her to be there. He couldn't and wouldn't dare take his life with her here now. When she was with him…it kept him awkwardly sane; though he didn't show it.
Oh god. What have I done? He sobbed and covered his face with his large, trembling hands.
He started to shiver because he knew that the moment she'd leave his side, all hell would break loose and he miserably feared it. He knew it and wouldn't deny it. Right now though, he just needed to exist and hopefully change in the process of this discovery.
An hour later, Alex walked in to his bedroom to offer him some dinner. She was leery at first and peaked around the door to make sure he was decent. She physically smiled when she saw that he was still in the clothes that she had bought him.
He was sprawled out on the bed and when he'd finally recognized her presence, he looked at her and declined; thanking her anyways. He felt like an ass but he just wasn't hungry and too weak to attempt it. She was so kind to him and all he could do was turn her down.
What an asshole. He thought as he closed his eyes again after she left.
He slept until 7:00 PM, which is when he decided to come out of his little 'hiding hole.' When he came out he saw Alex fast asleep on his couch and two plates of spaghetti dished out. She didn't even eat. She was…she was waiting for me? He frowned and walked over to the kitchen and put the food away. He then walked back over to her and stood next to her.
"Alex, wake up." Alex quickly jolted up and looked at Bobby who was shifting nervously.
"What's wrong?" She panicked as she looked into his shattered eyes.
"Nothing, just um…you can take my bed…if you want it." He whispered, suddenly feeling awkward for offering his bed to her.
"No, Bobby. You need your rest. I can sleep here on the couch." She physically relaxed.
"No…I won't be able to sleep anymore tonight. Trust me, I can take the couch."
After arguing for five minutes with her, Bobby gave up. Alex could be so stubborn…of course, so could he. They both sat on the couch for a while in utter silence until Alex finally cut through it all.
"It's time to take your medicine, Bobby."
"I don't like pain medication."
"You don't have to take the pain medicine…at least take the antibiotics though. They'll help you heal."
Bobby snorted. "Yeah, right." He said as she handed them to him. He looked at them briefly as he rolled two pills in the palm of his hand and then tossed it in his mouth, swallowing them dry.
Alex winced unconsciously as she watched him swallow the pill dry. "Why don't you go and rest." She offered. "Sleep is the best thing for you right now—"
"Don't tell me what I need! Don't pretend to tell me or know what the best thing for me is!" He roared catching Alex by surprised. He let lose as the anger manifested inside him.
"Bobby, I didn't mean—" She tried to mitigate but lost.
"Whatever. Goodnight." He spat as he turned and, this time, slammed his bedroom door shut.
Oh yeah, I'm a cold-hearted-bastard.
He physically cringed when he heard his door slam shut. The sound was deafening to his ears and he felt like he had now lost her. Completely pushed her out of his life.
Alex started to cry. She felt like the little progress they started to make, was all thrown out.
Just hang in there, Alex. He's going through a rough time right now and, even though it doesn't seem like it, he needs you. Be strong for him. She kept telling herself as she passed out on the couch a few minutes later from sheer exhaustion.
There was nothing more that she could do that night.
A/N: So, how did ya like this one? So...I have this wild idea for the next chapter that I've been working on for over a month now...let me warn you now, very OOC. It will definitely be one of the darker parts of the story...I think even more angst than the first chapter.
-Snyder-