A Place to Rest My Head
Summary: Varric has never told Hawke his feelings and to see her being matched with noblemen who don't fit her at all is hard. One drunken night will change everything but will it be for better or worse? F!HawkexVarric
Rating: M+
Warnings: Cursing, violence.
Disclaimer: I don't own Dragon Age II nor any of the characters.
I had a way then losing it all on my own.
I had a heart then but the queen has been overthrown.
And I'm not sleeping now the dark is too hard to beat.
And I'm not keeping now the strength I need to push me.
~ Ellie Goulding "Lights"
"I accept," I stated in a voice that was stronger than I felt.
The only reason I had accepted his duel option was because it would keep my companions out of a fight that I was afraid none of us might come out of. At least, this way, I could fight by myself and die by myself. They would be alive and would have the choice to escape the Qunari rule. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I dragged the rest of them into this fight with me where I didn't even think I would come out alive. No, this was either going to be my greatest victory...or my final ditch stand against an opponent that was stronger than any I had ever faced.
This was going to make one hell of a story for Varric. He had always said that the best stories ended in the death of the hero. Perhaps I would give him that tragic end that he sought. I doubt he had wanted that from the start but I knew that, as I looked at his face as he was ushered back to the outskirts of the room, that he had faith that I wouldn't leave him just yet. I wish I had that sort of confidence in myself. Instead, I felt terrified.
The Arishok and I got into position in the middle of the room staring at each other. His alien eyes stared at me from under heavy brows making me feel like a specimen in a cage. "You have changed," he states suddenly making me pause in my motion to grab my weapon. I feel my heart pound. Did he know my secret? I had hoped to use my new curse as a surprise but if he knew..."You would make the perfect Sten, Basalit'an," he continues. "If only you would accept the Qun. To have you by my side would greatly strengthen my cause."
I smiled slightly at his words but shook my head. "I cannot. You know that Arishok," I say and he stares at me before nodding his head slightly. We both grabbed our over-sized weapons from our backs. Mine was a broad sword and his a battle axe three times the size of my weapon. "I had hoped it would never get this far."
"You knew this was the only outcome," he voices my thoughts yet again. Sometimes I thought he was a mind reader among everything else he was good at but I could tell that he was just reading the thoughts through my eyes. Ever since becoming a Berserker, I had come to find that hiding emotions and staying stoic like I had before was harder and harder to do. Berserkers were known for being blunt and harsh. I had always prided myself with being able to hide all of my emotions before mother had been killed but...now, I couldn't even hide the simplest emotions. Varric could take one look at me and tell what I was feeling, which got annoying but I would rather it only be him.
The giant man made the first move after a few moments of silence so that he knew I didn't need to say anything else. His legs tensed and he charged at me with speed I didn't think was possible in a man of his size. My body moved on its own and I jumped to the side trying to dodge the man as he attacked. My hand reached out and I caught a pillar so that I could swing myself around to plow into the man from the side. He grunted but I felt like I had hit a brick wall as I threw my sword up to catch the man's axe as it descended towards my head. Maker but that axe was heavy! I threw it to the side with a small grunt of my own before shifting further back from the creature. He was an offensive fighter just like me but there was no way I was going to be able to throw my puny weight around with him. I'd have to defend myself and wait for the perfect moment.
We went on like this for a while where he would attack and I would defend myself throwing all the strength I could into keeping the blade of that axe away from my head. His form was perfect! How was I supposed to get a hit in edgewise if he just kept throwing his axe in all of his blind spots? Maker but this was amazing! I felt a smirk tug on my lips as we danced our dance with precise movements and gestures. Neither of us took the lead but I could feel that we were both reading body movements and muscle tension to guess where the other was going.
I suddenly, felt larger than life. A nirvana settled over my mind and for some reason...I didn't feel like I had to go Berserker. I felt fine just doing this for the rest of my life and knew that if I died today...I would die in peace. This was the most worthy opponent I had ever faced before and it might possibly be the most worthy that I would ever face in my life. This thought, brought on sadness that I pushed away right as the Arishok's blade missed me and scrapped the ground.
Seeing my opening, I sung my blade around using the momentum to do a full turn. The blunt force of the attack knocked the Arishok back with a soft grunt. He fell backwards and I jumped at him as I settled back down from my attack. He rolled away as my blade came down from above and was on his feet within the next two seconds. I growled and swung at him again only to feel my blade being batted away like a pesky fly by his gauntlets.
I was thrown back and I just barely keep my stance when he was upon me again. I darted under his arm and ran out of his way. He was just a tad bit slower than me and it kept him out of distance from me so that I could regain myself. When I heard the man growl I turned on my heel and ducked under his arm yet again to slash at him with my sword from the back. I heard him growl as it knocked him back throwing myself to pounce on him.
I felt the air leave my lungs when his axe collided with my stomach and for a moment I couldn't see anything but the look on his face as he stared up at me. I felt myself cough up liquid that dripped down my chin to fall against the man's cheek. It was blood. He finished the cut and it threw me back nearly all the way across the room. I landed on my stomach with my sword still clutched in my hand. I reached down to touch my stomach where the armor had been cut off of my body and felt the cool scales underneath it. Dragon scales. I had had this under-armor made especially for this day because I knew that weapon could tear any armor I wore to shreds.
I knew there had been something inside of me broken because the blood that leaked from my mouth still flowed heavily and I let my face rest against the cold tile floor. Maker, how nice it was to lie there and think of giving in. I pushed back the pain that made me want to whimper and thought about giving in. For the first time in my life I thought about just lying there and letting him take my head. I could deal with pain and I was sure he wouldn't let me feel anything when he used that huge ax. I smiled at the thought until my ears stopped ringing and I became aware of one sound.
Noises, I play within my head,
Touch my own skin and hope that I'm still breathing.
And I think back to when my brother and my sister slept,
In an unlocked place the only time I feel safe.
~ Ellie Goulding "Lights"
It was more like a cacophony of sounds melding into one single word. "Hawke!"
Breath flooded my lungs along with the need to stand up. I couldn't give up! I had a reason to live and a reason to fight now! "I-I'm not done yet," I cough as I stand up slowly to my feet pulling my sword with me. The Arishok turns to look at me with surprise on his face. His eyes trail down to my stomach where the dragon scales glimmered in the lighting of the hall. His eyes show his understanding as he takes back his ax and starts to walk towards me.
If I had ever looked Death in the face...it was now and I felt myself accept that I wouldn't make it out of this fight. Smiling to the dwarf who was behind held back by Fenris so that he didn't come after me, I closed my eyes and let the dam break. Power surged through my every vein and I felt the release that signaled my fall into Berserking but there was a sort of control that I had gotten so used to keeping. The Arishok stopped when I opened my eyes. "You said I had changed," I whisper in a voice that doesn't sound like my own anymore. I could never tell if it was just the rushing of blood in my ears or if my voice truly changed timber. "I have."
"A Berserker," the Arishok states, finishing my sentence for me. "One with control, impressive."
I smile gently before slowly giving up the control I held so dear while in this version of myself. "Not for long," I whisper softly and let go completely. I let the rage of my betrayals and the murder of my mother course through my veins using those emotions to fuel the power that was taking over my body. I felt my body tense up as the power finally burst out through my pores and I threw my head back to scream out. The sound shook the walls and suddenly my world went red and I had no more control over my sane mind.
All I remember of the last part of my fight with the Arishok was coming out of it to see the giant at my feet his stomach completely cut open. His innards were spilt across the ground around me and his eyes were barely open. His mouth moved but I didn't hear his voice until the surge of noise came back to my ears. I looked down at the man as he breathed out his last breath and felt a sudden surge of self-hatred at what I had done. I had destroyed the one challenge I had ever had in my life as a warrior and the loss hit me so hard I fell to my knees just as my friends surrounded me.
When I came out of being a Berserker a couple things happened in a row. The first was the return of consciousness; second was the return of hearing; and last was the pain.
I held back a scream that bubbled in the back of my throat as the pain hit me like a herd of Dragons. I clutched at my stomach and I looked down to see blood pouring from the wound. "He-He cut through my dragon scales," I choke as blood drips down my chin.
"Anders!" I hear Varric shout as the Mage presses me to the bloody ground to get to the wound. I hold back the noises but once the Mage starts at the wound I can't hold back my screams of pain. The tugging and pulling of the healing magic had never settled right with me but I had always known there would be pain with healing. You couldn't stitch a wound without a needle and magic wasn't any different.
"Damn it! Hold her down!" I hear the Mage shout as multiple hands shove me to the ground and I can't stop myself from crying. I could feel the internal damage slowly being sewn by the magic needles that picked my skin and drew out the pain until it finally subsided. "Maker, she's been bleeding from the inside for a long time."
I was slowly starting to slip away from consciousness staring up to finally see Varric. His blond hair was haloed in a ring of light from above and he looked angelic. I smiled slightly and reached up to touch his cheek gently. "You did it," he whispers as the others leave to give us some space.
"Yeah...then why do I feel so bad?" I shudder hoarsely feeling the stubble on his face lightly.
"Probably because of the hole that was just in your guts!" he tries to joke but his laugh sounds a bit like a sob.
I chuckle softly feeling the soreness start to set in. My muscles hated me at the moment. "I feel like I..." I stop when I can't find the words I need to say and Varric shakes his head. "I feel like I could have avoided killing him."
"There was nothing you could have done, Hawke," he comforts me stroking my forehead tenderly. I smile but for some reason I felt like there was something that I had forgotten to do. "You gave up control, didn't you?"
I nod my head slowly. "I knew there would be no other way to defeat him," I whisper taking the dwarf's hand to take comfort in his solid nature. "If I kept control then I would over think everything until I ran out of energy. I honestly didn't think I would come out of it alive."
"But you did," he reminds me and I smile softly. "Now, let's talk later. You need to sleep."
I close my eyes feeling the exhaustion finally wash over me completely. "Mm, you're right," I mutter before letting the sleep I so desperately needed claim my body and mind. The darkness, though frightening, was welcomed and I slipped into oblivion.
You show the lights that stop me turn to stone.
You shine it when I'm alone.
And so I tell myself that I'll be strong.
And dreaming when they're gone.
~ Ellie Goulding "Lights"