Disclaimer: Sadly enough, I don't own anything. This is written for pure enjoyment only and no profit to be gained!

CHAPTER: 9

Alex hovered over Bobby as he continued to bleed. It wasn't his wound that was bleeding any longer, it was his soul. Bobby hurt from the pain that not even a doctor could cure. He wanted to run away from everyone, he was on the verge of breaking down in from of Alex at this very second. He was sick of trying to please people, sick of doing things that weren't for his own pleasure. He always felt the invisible blow, being kicked when he was down by others around him.

Bobby looked back up at Alex. He wanted to speak to her, but he was unsuccessful. He wanted to explain himself and tell her what it was like. His life, how out of place he felt. Even before Bobby went into Tates, he was breaking down. He was already standing on the top of a mountain, looking down as he slowly stepped towards the edge. Being tied down and succumb to anything the guards wanted to do to him had completely pushed him over. Head first.

No one knows what it's like. I can't even describe it. Bobby closed his eyes to suppress the tears and then slowly opened them back up. If Eames hadn't come when she did…I don't think I would've made it another day.

He recalls days when he'd cried so miserably that he'd passed out from shear exhaustion. Bobby's cried so much that his eyes would no longer shed those salty tears. The thought, the realization of it all just made him worse. He's cried so loud before with anger mixed in that he's had to turn his music or TV up loud enough so the surrounding apartments wouldn't hear him. At times, he'd scream to let his emotions come full forth. He's tried alcohol, but it only numbed the pain for a short while. Not once did it ever stop him from crying. He wanted to call Alex every time, but he always talked himself out of it. She didn't need to see him like that. She didn't need to see how bad he was truly suffering.

Alex looked down at him now, in a standing position momentarily. She wondered about his life. What went on behind closed doors or in the mind of this amazing man? Her mind was racing with too many thoughts to comprehend and she now knew what it felt like to be in Bobby's shoes when he was working those long hours on a case. The only problem this time was that, Bobby was the case.

Alex held it together, but in truth, she was crumbling apart inside. She couldn't help but feel guilty, like this was partially her fault.

I should've checked on him. I should've watched him more closely and not have fallen asleep! I shouldn't have let my emotions get the better of me. Maybe then I wouldn't have passed out on the couch while he did this to himself.

She continued to look down into his darkening eyes, though her thoughts were still racing, and caught his slight nodded; signally that he was 'ok' and then tightly closed his eyes. Alex wasn't sure if it was from embarrassment or exhaustion, but she wasn't going to ask.

Slowly, Alex bent down next to him to clean up his wound as best as possible. She hadn't touched him yet. She knew that he'd have to be clean up and change before she drove him to the hospital, or there would be a lot more questions. It's definitely not the best way to walk into a hospital; reeking of blood and alcohol, not to mention his stitches being long gone.

God, what if they have him committed? No! I can't let them do that to him. He'd loose everything. I'll stay with him 24/7, but I will not have him committed! She chastised though she silently promised herself.

Alex feared the possibility of Bobby becoming even worse. But was it possible? What was left?

Death.

No…not again. He wasn't…he couldn't…I can't…

And then she saw something in his eyes. Something she didn't recognize. His eyes were open again and he was looking at her, his gaze shifting up and down. His eyes halted when they caught hers, like a deer caught in the headlights.

She froze, just before she was about to touch him; her fingers mere inched from his body.

He was trying to make sense of things. She could see it. In those hopeless eyes of his, she could tell there was some sort of remorse beaming through them. He was tired of it. Tired of all of this, but something new seemed to be held within his brown pools. Hope possibly?

The feeling was gone from Bobby. He was tired of living in the lonely, dark world that he knew all too well and had resided in for most of his life, but he finally found it. Alex. Truthfully, they had found each other. He knew he'd still be a depressed, miserable being that would willing walked into the dark any chance he'd get, but he had Alex. He couldn't leave her. He just realized it as he took her in. Bobby was just now grasping the full concept of having and needing and felt ashamed because of it.

In all reality, Alex was pulling him back up. She had been the whole time, but Bobby was just now starting to willingly be pulled out of the hazy place he called his life and now understood. Everything. Maybe he wasn't as far down as he thought he was hours ago.

She's with me. She'll always be with me. God, what have I done? How did I not know?

He felt guilty and ashamed, but he was too far gone to have noticed anyone with him. The moment he shot himself, the moment he felt the bullet enter him, he looked up only to see nothing. Complete solitary. He was in this maddening world full of anger, hate and abandonment. Everything was dark just then, with a gloomy fog floating above him as he slumped lower towards the floor. He had given up, given in to the darkness. The infamous white light was only dark, eerie and lonely, though, at the time, he welcomed it. He felt as if he were just one more casualty of society, just one more victim that no one would miss. That is, until he heard it; Alex on the other side of the door. As soon as he heard her, it was all gone. The extinct life that sagged, Bobby's form, was jump started again and he felt it. Life. The fog cleared, the black now became colors of his dull apartment once again and the sounds of her cries were heard. It was piercing his ears. The pain was back, the bad memories were with him again, and he felt like crying.

He was being saved.

He shook at the still raw recollection.

Alex watched him, but said nothing. She wondered what was going on inside his head, though she feared it, but this wasn't the time right now. She regretfully darted her eyes away from him when she started to touch his tender skin around his wound. His body jolted in response to her touch; but it was out of pain, not fear. In all truthiness, Bobby trusted Alexandra Eames more than any other person. He just wasn't sure why it had taken him this long to realize that. He had always known he trusted her…but he couldn't fathom the reason why it took him this long to realize she'd been with him the whole time. The entire way. She had travelled with him through hell and was now trying to bring him back again.

Bobby was hesitant by the close proximity as Alex continued to clean him up. He was well aware of the fact that he had never been around her when he wasn't fully clothed. He found himself wishing that this was years back when he was actually fit and didn't mind if women gawked at him…but now, now it was just making him uncomfortable and uneasy.

Alex, on the other hand, didn't show any signs of distress.

Bobby opened his eyes and as he watched her clean him up, he spoke. "I…I thought you said you couldn't watch me any…anymore." It wasn't a question. "I understand, really I do." He gave her one final chance to bail. One finally attempt to run like a bat out of hell…away from him forever. "People tend to…to despise me after spending a…a few hours with…with me. I'm surprised you…that you lasted this long. I'm a fuck up, I…I get that, Alex…just, well, thanks but…but you don't have to take me or…or stay with me."

Alex winced at his choice of wording. He's a fuck up? Bobby, you're brilliant! How can you talk about yourself like that? You've been through so much and look at how successful you've become.

"Bobby, do you really think I'd leave you?" She asked. "Bobby, we spend hours and hours a day at work together. We have for years and I enjoy every second of it. I'm still here, aren't I? I'm not going anywhere." She looked deep into his eyes. "I could never leave you."

"B—But, I…you said that…I…" He paused, swallowing hard. "T—That you couldn't stay…watch me anymore."

"Only if you keep doing things like this." She asserted, nodding towards the sink that still contained the knife and Glenlivet. "There's only so much I can do to help, Bobby. You have got to trust me, ok? You have to talk to me. You don't get anymore chances, Bobby." She regretfully informed him.

"Eames, you…you know I trust you. You're the only one I completely trust. You've never let me down." He paused, mauling over a few things and then looked back up at her. "I…I'm sorry…."

She peered down at him, looking deep into his eyes and he didn't shy away. Not this time. She could tell he was being sincere.

"Why did you do this, Bobby? The real reasons, Goren. Don't bullshit with me. I deserve the truth."

"B—Because I…I wanted to have…to feel pain…something."

"But…but why?" She didn't understand.

Bobby swallowed hard. "Because I yelled at you…I hurt you, Eames. I didn't mean to. I don't deserve you; as a partner or a friend." And I definitely don't deserve to be your lover. He halted his musings; shocked that he had just admitted that to himself. Yeah right, Bobby. Like you'd ever have a chance with her. You're the whack job, remember? In the end, whack jobs end up with nothing.

"Bobby…" She began but was cut off.

"I…I'm so…so sorry. I felt so numb, so tired, so upset because I…I got angry at…with you that I…that I had to feel pain…to make, to punish myself and to make sure that I was…am alive. I should be dead, Eames. I should be lying on my floor, rotting in…in this place until someone finally smelled a decomp." And by the reaction he'd witnessed as he looked deep into her eyes, he knew he'd said too much.

Alex started to cry, her mouth agape as she replayed his words over in her head. Her mind went into overdrive at the few declarations he had just stated.

He…he hurt himself….because of me? He wanted to feel pain…because he yelled at me? She looked deep into his eyes again. He thought no one would come and look for him? Does he really feel that alone? But as she gazed deeper into his brown pools, she was suddenly frightened by how lonely this man truly was.

She blinked the tears away. "B—Bobby, do you…do you really think I'd not come for you?" Her heart clinched and her body sagged at his statement. "Do you really…"

He shook his head, cutting her off. "I don't know." He swallowed hard. "I didn't want anyone to come. It's just…I'm nobody's problem but mine…my own. I did know that if anyone came, it would be you…but I wasn't planning for…" He stopped.

"Bobby, you're very much alive." She said, taking a chance and placing her hand over his heart. "And Bobby? You're my best friend…so what you do concerns me. What you do, Bobby, whatever it is, it affects me as well, which makes it my problem. Our Problem."

Bobby didn't flinch away at the statement or the touch. Actually, he seemed to relax at the touch until she removed her hand to temporarily tape up the wound. There was much more she wanted to say to him, but it would have to wait.

"Do you think you can get up if I help you? We have to get to the hospital ASAP unless you want me to call an ambulance."

"Yeah…I mean No!" He sighed. "I can get up…just please…please don't call…"

Painfully slow, she eased Bobby up as best as she could. He was a big man, so there was only so little she could do. It was up to him to help himself. When he was finally erect, his shirt began to lightly drip. It smelled like a brewery in the room.

"Here, let me…you need to get this off of you." She said as she reached up and grabbed the bottom of his shirt; bunching it up and pulling it up his lengthy body. "Bobby, you're going to have to help me a bit, you're just a tad bit taller than I am if you haven't noticed." He heard the humor in her voice and forced a small smiled in return. He willingly complied and momentarily hissed at the pain when he raised his arms above his head to slide the shirt off, but the pain soon passed.

Once his shirt was off, Alex couldn't help but stare at the man. She wondered about him for so many years and she figured this would probably be the last chance she'd get to see him without his shirt on. He was such a private man. Although Bobby was much bigger than he used to be when she had first met him, she still found him to be just as attractive as before. He had a haggard, though manly, mischievous look to him. She recalled back in the hospital, after the nurses had shaven him numerous times; he still had that scruffy feel to his face. His infamous 5 o'clock shadow.

"Here, Bobby." She handed him a wet cloth. "Wipe yourself down as best as you can. We don't want you going into the ER smelling like alcohol."

He produced a weak smile and then grabbed the towel and began to wipe the strong smelling liquid off of his body.

"So…I guess this is the sponge bath I get to have for a week?"

Alex smiled at him. "I guess so."

A few minutes later, Bobby tossed the rag into the sink. "Good enough."

Pulling herself out of her haze, Alex nodded and then looked down towards his equally dripping pants. "Those need to come off as well." She told him.

Bobby caught her looking at him, but it didn't bother him anymore. If she wanted to look, so be it. He just wasn't sure what part of his body was all that good to look at. He hated it all.

Well, almost all of it.

Bobby started to take his damp sweatpants off when she spoke up. "Let me wait out in your bedroom—" She spoke and started to turn slightly to walk out of the bathroom, only to whip back around when she saw him start to sway back and forth. She instinctively reached out for him to stabilize him from any further movement.

"You ok?" She asked, her hands still holding onto his muscular forearms.

"Y—Yeah…I'm just um, tired and kind of dizzy…which is probably from being tired."

She nodded. "Come on, Bobby." She lightly squeezed both of his arms. "Go sit on your bed and I'll help you."

"You shouldn't have to."

"That may be true, but I'm still going to."

She was reluctant at first to put her arm around a shirtless, Goren. She wasn't sure if he would pull away or not, but when she slung an arm around him; he willingly accepted the help. With all that had happened and continued to happen, at this point in time…it actually felt…nice and he definitely welcomed the feeling. It reassured him that someone was still out there. Her fingers were warm on his skin and he shivered in response though she hadn't caught it.

A/N: Hey guys. Thank you to all that continue to read this and stick with me here (smiles).

-Snyder-