A Place to Rest My Head
Summary: Varric has never told Hawke his feelings and to see her being matched with noblemen who don't fit her at all is hard. One drunken night will change everything but will it be for better or worse? F!HawkexVarric
Rating: M+
Warnings: Cursing, violence.
Disclaimer: I don't own Dragon Age II nor any of the characters.
Why in these days of manmade wonders we still bicker over flies?
When you come seeking for forgiveness, I'll be forced to choose my side.
If I deny you what you're searching, do I do it out of fear.
Am I ruling out my reason, killing that which I hold dear?
Out of my way I'm coming, with an excuse just underway.
Reality's so daunting, and I've got no way to explain.
~ Poets of the Fall "Diamonds For Tears"
My legs took me to the door and I let my hand rest against the handle feeling the cold metal under my fingers. I took a deep, calming breath and opened the door letting it swing open to show a dark room. The smell of dust was overwhelming but there was also two very familiar scents that swirled together to make one smell that brought back too many memories. I felt the fear settle deep within my chest as I heard a match struck and the light flared to life not but three feet away.
Slowly, a candle wick was lit and I came to see the woman I knew would be sitting there staring at me with haunting eyes. "Hawke," I heard myself breathe as she sat down the used match and picked up the goblet of wine sitting next to her. She brought it to her thin line of a mouth and took a long drought of the blood red liquid that I could see through the clear glass. I watched her in complete and utter silence as she sat the glass down before sitting back in her chair.
I didn't even have to look around to know that there were bodies littered across the ground. I could smell the coppery tang of blood that had mixed with her heady, woodsy smell reminding me of all of the battles we had ever shared. I knew it had been her by this scent and I felt that she realized this from the beginning. Perhaps, that's why she had struck the match instead of killing me right there. Or perhaps, she had other plans for me that I was not aware of at the moment. Either way, she was unnerving as she crossed her fingers in front of her face. She looked a lot like Varric in that moment and I could tell that they spent a lot of time together. Her scent had also changed a bit since she shared her space so intimately withe dwarf; there was a musky hint to her usually woody smell that made it even more intoxicating.
"Isabella," she responds after a long while and I could hear how her voice had changed. It wasn't an obvious change but was more subtle and sounded like she had had a stressful life since I left her company. "Sit." It wasn't a request as she gestured towards the chair sitting right across from her. It was across the table from her but even then I was terrified of what she would do to me at that distance. I felt my insides curl as her lips quirked up in a resentful smile that I had never seen in her before her mother had been murdered. It was full of unrelenting hatred and I felt myself shiver at the look in her silver eyes. "I only want to talk."
I felt my legs move on their own and I found myself sitting in the chair opposite to her own staring at her face as she leaned in further into the light of the candle. "Why are you here?" I finally ask watching her face turn with amusement as a fine, dark eyebrow quirked curiously. I knew why she was here. I knew perfectly well why she was here taking down this house full of bandits to get to me. She wanted my head. She wanted the revenge that came with me betraying her. I knew that this might very well happen if I stayed anywhere near Kirkwall but I couldn't go very far with Castillon still on my ass for the relic. After tonight, I would have been free to roam where I wanted.
"I need the Relic, Isabella," she states.
"The Relic?" I ask, shocked. That's not what I had expected at all and it must have shown on my face because she laughed at me. It wasn't the happy, beautiful sound I was used to either. It was a dry, terrible sound that made me shudder with disgust. How could she had fallen this far? The woman who had taken on all of Kirkwall to protect those she loved and the good of the people? The one who had smiled brightly at me and asked me to come along with her? Where had that woman gone?
"You think I came here for your head?" she asks obviously amused by my shock. "You truly think I would take so much time and effort to hunt down a lying, back-stabbing thief, like you? Now, Isabella, that's vain even for you!" Her attack hurt and I found myself glaring at her even though her amusement made my blood chill then boil all at the same time.
Instead, I just turned the subject around. "You are here so the Arishok must be dead. Why would you need the Relic now? To sell it to the highest bidder?" I ask and feel myself freeze at the glare that set across her face. The bridge of her nose wrinkled and I saw her brow pinch together as she bared her teeth at me in a very animalistic manner.
"Do not put me on the same level as you, Isabella," she snaps making me flinch slightly. "You are right, though, the Arishok is dead...by my hand. A situation that your betrayal forced me into." I could hear the anger in her words but she kept herself controlled and I watched her eyes to make sure she didn't go Berserk on me. I didn't want her to catch me by surprise.
I glare back at her. "If I had turned myself in then he would have shipped me back to Par Vollen!" I snap harshly.
Her hand slams down on the table making her wine glass jump just as I did. "I wouldn't have let him!" she nearly screams almost knocking down the candle that is still burning on the table. I stare at her in shock as she slowly settles back down in her chair. "I wouldn't have let him take you. I would have protected you."
"You would have had to fight him then!" I state, frustrated at this roundabout we were going on.
"But it would have been my choice," she snaps pointing a finger at me harshly. "You put me into a position where I had no choice but to fight him! Had you come with me then I would have had the choice to fight him or to hand you over! I didn't have a choice!" Her logic was sound but I still wasn't convinced. "What gave you the right to doubt me?"
In the light of recent findings, there's no greater taint than grace,
But to relinquish all our bindings, always finds us out of place.
If I rested here a while more, would you hold me to your heart,
Will I know what it's meant for, will I know to play my part?
Out of my way I'm coming, another excuse before I'll stay.
Reality's applauding, I know I don't know the right way.
~ Poets of the Fall "Diamonds for Tears"
Her question knocked me off kilter and I thought about it for a short time. Why did I doubt her? I had no reason to, really, other than the fact that she respected the Arishok. I saw the way they looked at each other when she stood in his compound. He saw her as a worthy warrior and she respected him for his power, grace and ability to run a whole culture by himself. Had I thought she would give me over out of respect for him? Or was it just my fear that made me run away?
"You never would have chosen me over the Arishok."
One moment I am sitting down and the next I am being flung up against a wall by my throat. Her grip is powerful and I choke as she presses me against the wooden wall of the building. "Who gave you the right to decide for me?" she roars harshly flinging me to the side. I skid across dead bodies and get blood all over my outfit. My throat is dully aching as she walks towards me. "I never asked for anything, Isabella! I never asked for anything and yet all I ever got was constant demands! I did everything for you! I protected you up until that point! Why would I let them take you? Why would I let Castillon kill you? You were my friend!"
I look up to see the tears running down her face and feel myself wince at the pain in those silver orbs that gaze at me with so much hurt. Friend...it was such a foreign concept for me. "What happened to you?" I ask hoarsely feeling my throat protest harshly.
She stops in her trek towards me and stares at me without an emotion on her face before she turns around to face away from me. I try to wipe the blood from my face but only manage to smear more because of my dirty clothing. "I came to the reality of things, Isabella. No matter what I do for Kirkwall...for people, they are always going to end up hurting me," I barely hear her whisper and I can see her shoulders trembling slightly with her emotions. "I enjoyed making this city a nice place to live. I enjoyed helping others and then it started to catch up to me. You think I was happy every step of the way? You think I was happy when I had to kill people just because someone else ordered me to or because I had to out of mercy? It's been slowly chipping away at my heart and soul ever since the first betrayal in the Deep Roads and...my mother was the last straw," she explains being more honest right then than I had ever heard her before. She was famous for hiding her emotions so that others wouldn't worry about her.
Her face turns back to me and I can see the anger in her eyes. "You have Varric," I whisper gently standing up on shaking legs terrified of what she might do to me. I was alone with her in a blood-soaked room not knowing if she could hold back going Berserk.
At the sound of her lover's name she relaxed and I could see the anger wash off of her shoulders like a weight falling away. If just his name had this effect on her...I would have loved to see how she would react if he actually touched her! "I need the Relic," she reiterates her original purpose calmly.
"You know I can't do that," I whisper softly. She was terrifying but Castillon would torture me; I knew Hawke wouldn't torture me. Sure, she had done so to her mother's killer but that was different.
I watch her narrow her eyes before she goes back to the table and pulls out a bag from behind the chair. She tosses it to my side and smirks sarcastically. "There." I reach out with my shaking hands to untie the bag and open it. I jump back when I see Castillon's cold grey eyes staring back at me. It was his head; castrated from his body in a way that couldn't have been easy judging by the jagged marks left on his neck. Someone had sawed this thing from his shoulders, hopefully after he had already been killed. "Now give me the Relic," Hawke states coldly.
"You killed Castillon," I whisper as I push the bag away slowly. "Why?"
"I need the Relic, Isabella. I fought and killed the Arishok. The Qun demands that they bring back the Relic or all of their warriors are dishonored and will probably be put to death," she explains finally her glare harsh. "I can't let that happen. I owe the Arishok too much to let his beloved men die in dishonor. Give me the Relic."
Touching the bag hanging from my back I pull it off my body and toss it to her. She grabs it while it archs to her and opens it up to inspect the undamaged Relic. "There, happy?" I ask dangerously. Her face takes on a new emotion and she relaxes slowly before slinging the bag over her shoulder.
"Yes, very," was all she said as she started to walk away.
"That's it?" I ask without meaning to.
She pauses in her stride towards the door to turn and look at me. The heat in her gaze burns through my skin and straight through my skin to scorch my soul hotly. "What else would there be for me to say?" her question was harsh and clipped short.
"You're...not going to kill me?" I ask in a whisper that is almost like a sob. Her silver eyes searched my own and I felt as if I could hide nothing from her. She took a couple steps to stand right in front of me staring down her hand ghosting over the dagger I knew she kept at her thigh.
Her head tilts in amusement that is almost full of humor. "I could," she tells me and I know that she could just slit my throat right there to bleed me out. "But...that would be much too simple for you. I want you to live with the guilt of knowing you betrayed the only person-the only people-who gave a damn about you. That seems more fitting for you than to just take your head." She contemplates something for a few moments before turning back around and heading for the door again.
I watch her go as tears slip down my face. She was right. She was always right! "I'm sorry," I say catching her attention yet again. "I'm sorry."
I can see her waver but I'm not sure why the shudder passed through her body as she tipped her head back looking for something in the dingy ceiling. "As am I," she whispers fighting something invisible that I cannot see. I cannot even tell what it is that she is struggling with. Is she struggling to forgive me? Or is she fighting to keep from slitting my throat? A sigh escapes her lips as she turns back to look at me. There was softness in her eyes now; something, I hadn't grown to understand in her until I had seen her like she was before. She offered a hand to me. I stared at it and felt myself grow confused. "Come back with me, Isabella," she states confidently with a gentle smile.
"What?" I yelp pulling away from the hand as if it were poisonous.
"Come back with me," she repeats keeping the hand outstretched. "It will take a while but we will slowly begin to trust you like we did before. I need you in my group, Isabella. I can't do this without you." I look into her eyes and expect to see mocking lies but she was completely and totally serious. I felt my eyes sting with tears and I was suddenly crying. "Come with me."
Her hand hooks my elbow and suddenly I am pressed into her armored chest crying pathetically into her shoulder. Since when had she been so tall? I couldn't remember the last time I had been this close to her but it was obvious that she was just as solid as she looked. "Why would you take me back?" I sob into her chest gripping her armor harshly.
"Because you're my friend and friends give each other second chances," she tells me while stroking my hair tenderly. Her voice was strong and sweet in my ear; I felt myself growing warm with the feeling of companionship. "Come on, let's go." She led me to the door practically holding me up with one arm. The moonlight was cool and soft against my skin as I pulled away to see Fenris, Varric and Anders standing there waiting for us. They looked at me with a mixture of emotions but they would do as Hawke said and they would trust her in her trust of me. "Let's go home," she smiles and we walk away from that bloody warehouse and away from the past that would probably forever haunt me.
Is it a lost cause,
Can we overlook this taint,
Are these the dead laws,
Like a doubt eating the saint?
And though I fear these shackles, like my darkness closing in.
I will hold out my hands, I will hold out my hands.
~ Poets of the Fall "Diamonds for Tears"