A Place to Rest My Head
Summary: Varric has never told Hawke his feelings and to see her being matched with noblemen who don't fit her at all is hard. One drunken night will change everything but will it be for better or worse? F!HawkexVarric
Rating: M+
Warnings: Cursing, Violence.
Disclaimer: I don't own Dragon Age II nor any of the characters.
On your palm an endless wonder,
Lines that speak the truth without a sound,
In your eyes awaits the tireless hunger,
Already looks for prey to run down,
So why do we keep up this charade?
How do we tell apart the time to leave from the time to wait?
~ Poets of the Fall "Where do we Draw the Line"
"How could you?" the woman shouted throwing the betraying mage up against a stone wall. I winced when I heard the loud crunch that sounded from the man's battered body. He cried out as she slammed him up against the wall a second time then a third until my hand grabbed her shoulder to halt her motion. "How could you!" she screams in his face the tears flowing from her eyes down her cheeks to drop on the armor covering her body.
"There was no other way," he rasps out blood dripping from his lips to dribble down his chin. Shit, if I didn't stop her enough to let the mage heal himself then...we would be out a healing mage. And as much as the betrayal of our friend hurt me I knew that we needed him to at least finish this fight.
"There was!" she growls harshly in his face tossing him to the side.
"Lillian! Let him heal himself!" I say moving to block her path. I place my hands at her arms trying to hold her back from the mage who was slowly taking the chance to heal himself. The others were watching from the outskirts of the fight knowing that if any of them interfered then they would probably share the same fate as the mage.
She places a hand on my shoulder but instead of calming down she shoves me to the side as gently as her brain can process at the moment. "You've betrayed me, Anders," she whispers the sorrow filling her voice as the tears come in waves. "Anyone else?" She looks at the others around us and now I know she is speaking only through her emotions. "Anyone else want to betray me now? I've already lost Fenris! If anyone else wants to leave then go!"
No one moved.
Merril was the first to speak. "I'm staying with you, le'thalan," she says standing straight and tall.
"I may not side with your choice but I will stay by your side," Aveline states standing beside the elven mage.
Isabella smiles and moves beside the mage. "I will stay with you."
I smile and take her hand gently. "I will always be by your side, love," I tell her and I can see her slowly starting to relax. I could tell she was truly hurt by Fenris' departure but we all knew that if she sided with the mages that he would leave and if she sided with the Templars then she would have lost Anders.
She takes a deep breath and moves towards the downed mage who had yet to get up. "I may not agree with what you did. I may think it was the stupidest thing you could have done but...I need you to be with me for this fight. You need to be here in this fight for yourself," she states seeming to find a nirvana in her torrent of emotions. She offers him a hand. "Come with me."
"You're not going to kill me?" he whispers while taking her hand so that she can haul him up.
She jerks him forward and takes him by his hair so that their faces are mere inches from each other. She stares into his brown eyes with her piercing gaze. If I hadn't known better I would have thought she were going to kiss him. Instead, she gave a deadly grin. "I haven't decided if I'm going to let you live after the fight but I need you now so don't make me angry," she hisses before letting him go. "Let's go end this."
What does tomorrow want with me?
What does it matter what I see?
If it can't be my design.
Tell me where do we draw the line.
~ Poets of the Fall "Where do we Draw the Line"
"It was this last betrayal that broke something inside of the Champion of Kirkwall," I state to Seeker who is staring at me with those dark eyes. "She completed the task at hand and won for the mages and helped defeat Meredith but...she wasn't the same afterwards." I stop and collect my thoughts staring at the darkness that lingered behind the tall woman. "After that we disappeared from Kirkwall. Anders was spared though I heard he was killed not too long after we separated. Merril traveled with the Champion until she was called back to her Dalish clan. Isabella went back to where she came from after Hawke left a rather large sum of money in her hands; she told her that it was for her new ship. Fenris, he made it very clear what he felt about Hawke and she made it pretty clear that she didn't care. He left. Aveline stayed in Kirkwall to help with the guard and to heal the city..."
"As for the Champion and yourself?" she asks.
I shake my head letting my thoughts linger on the face of my lover after the battle. She had looked so dejected, so lost. Her life had been so easy before she had come to Kirkwall. She had survived and the trials on her body were evident. The new scar that marred the beautiful flesh of her chest was a painful reminder of how hard her fight with Meredith had been. Thankfully, Anders had stayed long enough to heal her wound and...she had forgiven him, thinking she was going to die right there. He had smiled and said that he forgave her too and thanked her for siding with him. They had been friends when they had separated but even his healing couldn't mend the wounds done to her personality, her mind.
"We traveled for a while together..." I whisper feeling the emotions choking off my words.
"But..."
I shake my head. "She told me a year ago that she needed to go...and she left," I state staring to the side looking into the darkness that seemed to be my life. "I've never told anyone the truth. I always end up putting her with Fenris or Anders or even Merril or Isabella...it just seems like a dream that we shared so much passion." I stay silent for a while letting her mull over my words before I sigh. "Am I allowed to leave?"
"Yes, you may leave," she states before turning and going out the door.
I stand up and exit the building long after she had gone to make sure that they were no longer there to block my way. I didn't want to face Seeker. I knew she would leave out the parts of the story she knew were not to be shared with anyone else. No matter how I faced the story...it seemed so...unrealistic that the hero should fall for the dwarven story teller. No, the pain was too great to think about. I could still see her the first time I had met her; a bright, young woman with so much hope in the world. Then, my mind went to the woman I had stood in front of as she said good-bye. Her bright silver eyes were dull with so much confusion and desperation for an answer to the question that plagued her mind. I could not give her those answers, sadly enough.
I had stood by her as long as I could but I knew that as soon as she started to pull away that I was going to have to let go. I would have to let her find her own way and hope that she came back. After she had left, I went back to Orzammar to see the rest of my family but I had found nothing but darkness there as well so I traveled all over Ferelden telling the story of my Champion. I could never let anyone know that I had been the one to love the woman so I instead created tales of her having a rough rivalry with Fenris that lead into a romance neither of them understood. Or perhaps I would feel like making the rogue mage into the unwitting love of the fierce, passionate female warrior? And if I were feeling especially creative I would have my love romance the shy, naive little Dalish mage and sweep her off of her feet in the most romantic way.
But never did the dwarf win the girl. I couldn't bear to relive the memories. Seeker was the first person to actually hear the real story from my lips. It hurt to know that even though I was the only man to ever truly love that woman and I couldn't even help to heal her mental scars. I tried to take the pain away but...I couldn't work magic like that.
I stood outside of the huge building and sighed deeply. Where to go now? I had nowhere to be; my life had little point to it since I had stopped traveling and fighting with my Champion. I turned towards the tavern figuring I could at least get a drink and fall asleep to work off this depression after reliving everything I had ever gone through with the second love of my life. I never even got to say those three words that she needed so desperately to hear before she left. I just...couldn't. The woman that had walked away wasn't the same woman I had fallen in love with.
"Varric, we have a couple customers that would like some wild tales of yours," the bartender states as he hands me a very heavy ale. "Think you could humor them? They are rather important people to this town. They spend an awful lot here."
Honestly, I didn't want to relive it again but I could change the story to my liking without messing with the main message. Who would it be tonight? Fenris, that one always got a lot of applause. Anders...hm...nah, too romantic for my mood. I think I'll use Fenris tonight to get out my moody, brooding side. It would do me some good. "Yeah, I'll do it," I said with a wave of my hand as I was pointed in the direction of a rather large table full of important looking people. A couple? I quirked an eyebrow at the bartender but he was already dealing with another customer.
The dance of flames and shadows in the street,
Make poetry nobody's ever heard.
The weight of loneliness stands on your feet,
The cage already there around the bird.
So why don't we join the masquerade?
Before it all falls apart before our love becomes insatiate.
~ Poets of the Fall "Where Do We Draw the Line"
"Fenris stormed up to the shocked female who had not expected to see him there on such a strange night. She hadn't even put on her finery and was still in her blood soaked armor. 'I have been thinking about you,' he states angrily growling in a way that could have been seen as aggressive. 'In fact there is little I have been able to think about! Tell me to go and I shall go.' A sly smirk crosses the woman's face as she tilts her head to the side coyly. 'No need,' she states and is thrown into a passionate kiss that makes her head spin and her legs grow weak. She is thrown back into the wall as she grips at the elf's hide armor pulling him ever closer," I state already to the good part even after thirty minutes. They were hanging on my every word like everyone else who heard the story. "Their kiss was so passionate that even the next day I could see that Hawke's lips were bruised, thus how I found out about the story. Slowly, they made their stumbling way to her room and-"
"Funny," a heavily accented voice states from behind me causing the people sitting in front of me look up and I stop to turn. Who could interrupt the best part of the story like that? I could tell that the accent was Antivan in origin and when I looked all I saw was a cloaked figure. I could tell it was a woman by the voice but the black cloth of her hood effectively shadowed her eyes and all I could see was her nose and lips. She had dusty skin and a large scar across the bridge of her nose but other than that I could not tell who this woman was. "I always thought that the dwarf got the girl!"
I bristle at the woman's words and chuckle lightly. "No, the dwarf never gets the girl, my lady. May I ask who you are?"
"I have business that I must attend with you," she states a smirk crossing her lips. "If you will excuse me, Ladies and Gentlemen. It is of urgent business. I'm sure Messere Varric wouldn't mind finishing this story tomorrow." Her tone left no room for argument and I was pretty sure that as her hand came from under the cloak it didn't hurt that she was in armor that looked like it came directly from the Antivan Crows. This wasn't going to be good. "If you would please?"
I nod my head and stand up to lead her towards my room. I had a bad feeling about this and as I closed the door behind her I looked to where my crossbow was just to make sure I had it with me. "Now, what does an Antivan Crow want with me?" I ask as she glances around the room, surely taking in all exits and weapons.
"Antivan Crow?" she asks then looks down at her hide armor. "Oh yes, I forgot about this. I got it from a friend back in Antiva. I can assure you that I am no Antivan Crow. No, instead, I came to see who was spreading all of the lies about the Champion."
"What?" I ask confused.
"The love interest of the Champion, Varric. Everywhere I go it is always different. Sometimes she is thrown into a passionate rivalry with the handsome elf slave and other times she has a romantic love affair with the apostate mage. Hell, she even has some fun with the women of the group sometimes! But never the dwarf?" she asks turning to face me with a smirk on her lips.
"Why do you care?" I whisper feeling like I was walking into a trap.
"Because," she states reaching for her hood. "I have the Champion's best interest at heart." Her accent is gone as the hood settles over her shoulders and I find myself staring into the face of my once lover. My heart...stops. Just stops right where it was and I feel myself grow dizzy. She was different from before. Her hair was longer; it actually reached her shoulders in a straight sheen of dark brown. Her scar was fresh, she probably got it a month or two ago but it added a bit of odd beauty to her. But it was her eyes...they were blue! Not silver but blue! "Good to see you too, Varric!" she laughs the sound something of a memory that I hadn't heard even when we were traveling together after the death of Meredith.
"H-Hawke! What are you doing here? Are you crazy?" I state pulling her away from the window to press her into the wall out of the window's view. "The Chantry's dogs are out looking for you!" She chuckles and gives me a look that tells me just what she thinks about being pinned to the wall. I pull away but not before she hooked her hand behind my neck and pulls me into a kiss that makes my blood boil. It was so familiar even after all of the time we had been away from each other. Her tongue plunges into my lips without permission and I allow her the chance to rekindle old flames.
She pulls away first and smiles with a deep sigh. "I've been meaning to do that for a year now!" she smiles wrapping her arms around my neck and hugging me tightly. "I'm sorry, Varric. I'm sorry I've been away for so long but..." Her hands cup my face as she crouches down to get on eye level with me to stare into my eyes with her strangely colored orbs. "I-I have so much to tell you."
"Then come tell me," I say pressing my lips to her forehead.
Where's the cooling wind?
Where's the evergreen field?
Where's my mother's open arms?
Where's my father lionheart?
S'like the sun's gone down,
Sleeps in the hallowed ground now.
With the autumn's browns leaves,
With the one who never grieves.
~ Poets of the Fall "Where Do We Draw The Line"