A Place to Rest My Head
Summary: Varric has never told Hawke his feelings and to see her being matched with noblemen who don't fit her at all is hard. One drunken night will change everything but will it be for better or worse? F!HawkexVarric
Rating: M+
Warnings: Cursing, Violence.
Disclaimer: I don't own Dragon Age II nor any of the characters.
If a plane crashed into my room,
I wouldn't even flinch,
I couldn't try to move.
My mind is on you,
My mind is on you.
~ Ellie Goulding "Little Dreams"
I had been wandering for what felt like ages just trying to get rid of the tension in my soul. I couldn't seem to fix the hatred in my heart; couldn't seem to shake this feeling of insecurity. I had no way of knowing how to release this agony that held tightly to my mind. I needed something but I had been wandering around fighting random creatures until I ended up in Oatwick along the coast far, far away from the city I had tried to protect for so long.
I didn't know where I was going but I figured that the only place that could stand a chance of helping me was Orzammar seeing as that was where the Berserker tradition had started. I jumped a ship and traveled across the ocean to Ferelden. Back to my homeland that was no longer plagued by the nasty blight. As the shores came closer and closer I felt more and more nervous. The journey wasn't as long as the first taken from the Korcari Wilds all the way around Ferelden. No, this one was straight to the Highever and started traveling from there.
By this point I had plenty of money and moved from Highever to go see the Circle Tower that looked a mess from where I was standing on the shore of the lake that held it in. I had to take a boat across but I wasn't allowed because I didn't have permission. Were the mages there living life normally? Were they happy? Or were they like Anders and hated their predicament? I would have to find out later. I moved to Orzammar where I went underground to try and find some sort of teacher. I would need to find a very strong Berserker to teach me. I tried to find Oghren again but he wasn't back in Orzammar or was on business elsewhere at the moment. Either way, I wasn't welcomed very happily to the underground because I was an outsider and when I inquired as to where I could find a Berserker teacher I was always sneered at and shooed off.
I was feeling pretty heart sore when I went to the tavern to have a drink to calm my nerves. When I walked in, I felt myself reminded of the Hanged Man and of the dwarven lover I had left to come on this journey. I turned to leave when I came to find that there was a dagger being pressed into the dip between my collar bones. I stop instantly feeling my skin bristle with the first signs of battle. I was faced with a group of lower caste men and women. No doubt they were hired with a good sum of money to get rid of the surface dweller running around the city. I held back knowing these men and women were just in it for the money.
"I suggest you don't," I state softly with a gentle smile. I was in no way aggressive but I could feel the hound that was the Berserker inside of me pressing to be released. Somehow, I had to persuade these low caste dwarves to flee of their own will or I would be forced to kill them for no reason but for the fact that they were 'expendable'. They were only here for the money. "How much was paid to you for my murder?" I ask watching the shock cross their faces. I chuckle good-heartedly. "I know you did not come here to kill me without some kind of motivation. So how much? Perhaps I could double that."
If the streetlight smashed above me
I wouldn't move an inch.
Turn the glass into stars and your face is the moon
And the night turns to you,
Cos my mind is on you.
~ Ellie Goulding "Little Dreams"
They look at each other and the other dwarves in the tavern were staring at us. "You? A random, ragged surface dweller? I highly doubt you could come up with even half of what we have been offered!" the leader states, a woman who was harsh looking and had plenty of scars all over her face and neck. Somehow, I knew that she was a woman who could be bargained with. I cross my arms and quirk my eyebrow curiously. "Ten sovereigns was what we were paid. A coin for each of us."
"Is that it?" I ask digging through my armor to pull out one of the many bags I had on me. I toss it to her watching her hand reach out to grab it. "You will find fifty sovereigns in there, my good Dwarf. That is five pieces for each of you if I'm not mistaken. Is that enough?"
After opening the bag the look of disbelief changes to one of shock. Her dark brown eyes looked up at me and she chuckles lightly placing a hand on her head. "I-I can't believe it. You'd...who are you?" she asks and I give a soft smile.
"Someone in need of some help."
Shockingly enough, those Dusters were helpful in more ways than I could have expected. They needed help just as much as I did; the living conditions that they lived in were shit and they had some strange disappearances that had plagued them. I promised to take a look if they could find me a suitable teacher. "I am not as I used to be," I tell Talna over a cup of hard ale that wasn't too bad for being of Duster origin. It wasn't any worse than what they sold at the Hanged Man. "I became a Berserker and as such I have not been able to control it. I need a teacher to show me how to control my emotions. If not...I fear I'll never be able to return to my lover. I know I killed him by leaving him but...I could not get help from him and I could not let him tear himself apart because of it."
She sits back and thinks for a long while before setting her hand on the table harshly. "I do know of one Berserker in the town but getting to her will be tricky," she states running her fingers over her chin. She? That sounded promising. "She married into a very prominent family so she hasn't trained or fought publicly in a long time. To get her attention you'll have to do something drastic."
"You obviously don't know my life," I chuckle with a shake of my head. "I'm up for anything."
Anything, happened to be going through what they called the Provings. The fighting wasn't the hard part. It was getting in to the Provings that was the difficult part especially for a surface dweller. So while I was having to deal with the disappearances, which happened to help me out in the long run, I had to find a way into the Hightown to get them to pay attention to me. I found that way through the disappearances. I found out that there was a slave trade going on in one of the Hightown families. Talna knew that if I went bursting through the doors that I would be hauled away as quickly as possible to cover up everything but I knew a way to make everyone win.
I would just need to get captured. It wasn't really that hard, honestly! Who could resist a physically appealing woman who didn't belong anyways! No one would miss her except for her Duster friends and they barely meant anything more than the outsider. I just had to make myself vulnerable and that meant staging my own injury so it would make it easier for them to capture me; Talna took care of that staged fight making me attack some rogue outfit of Dusters, which were truly just some of her guys. All they had to do was nick me and I would make a big deal about it and need to be bandaged up and put to rest.
It worked like a charm.
I let them take me (me struggling weakly for effect) when they thought I was truly wounded with the layers of falsely bloodied bandages wrapped around my abdomen. I struggled a bit but was taken anyways without much pain because they knew I was already hurt. I was just dragged over someone's shoulder, a human helper it seemed, and was taken up the tunnels to a very prominent house in the Hightown. They threw me into a room with some random dwarf male that I had seen walking around Hightown plenty of times when I went there to do some searching.
"Quite a pretty surface dweller from what I'm told," the man states and I slowly sit up feigning my pain. I didn't want him to know that I wasn't actually hurt...yet. He walks over and touches my chin pulling my face up to meet his, staring into my silver eyes. "Oh, what a lovely shade. You'll do fine."
He gestured to the door that opened to show a group of Tevinter Slavers. I knew what they were because I had fought plenty of them back in Kirkwall. I should have guessed they were in on this trade. They walked up to me and saw that I wasn't bound and wounded. They looked over my scantily clad body, which was only covered by a set of bandages and a pair of loose fitting pants. I was obviously no threat.
"I think you'll find this one quite beautiful. She also has silver eyes," the Dwarf states just as I lift my eyes to look at them.
One man stops dead in his tracks and he seems shocked to see me. "D-Do you know who you have in your grasp?" he asks and I whisper a curse under my breath as I jump up to punch the man in the face before he could say my title. I had not expected for them to recognize me! Damn it, why did my eyes have to be so memorable?
They barely had time to even draw their weapons before I was on them. I took a sword and started to chop them to pieces not willing to die just yet. I still had something to go back to. It took very little time to disable the slavers and by then my capture was cowering in the corner. I had effectively blocked the door to make sure he couldn't get out while I was distracted. "Now, show me to your dungeons," I state pointing the great sword at the man's face.
He took me to a lower level where there were more than a dozen men and women in each cell. He wasn't just trading Dusters either. He was trading noble dwarves too. "You've got some balls," I note as I unlock the doors to let them all out. I catch one of the noble dwarves and smile down at him. "Tell your house what has happened and who saved you."
It didn't take too long for the word to spread around and soon that noble dwarf was inviting me to dinner in his house where they would talk about my reward with his father. His parents were quite nice and very thankful that I had helped their son. In fact, they were willing to forget that I was an outsider and allow me something for my trouble. Bulls eye. "Actually, I want to do something for you that will help me in the long run," I state calmly with a gentle smile.
"Anything."
If electric charges shock me,
I'd smile and fold my arms,
I'd feel nothing new,
Because my mind is on you.
And if the floor gave way to my shoes,
I wouldn't try to fly,
I can't explain what it would feel,
I just feel you.
~ Ellie Goulding "Little Dreams"
"I would love to fight for you in the Provings," I say smoothly watching their faces. The son and father looked to each other then back to me obviously very shocked at my proposition. I explained my situation and they seemed to understand how desperate I was for a proper teacher.
The father sighs deeply. "Our family has not fought within the Provings for decades, my friend," he states obviously very sorry for this fact.
I smirk confidently. "You have not had a fighter strong enough to break through the ranks of the fighters already established? Well, now you do," I tell him.
"You cannot take these men and women without serious consideration, my friend. They have been fighting since they were able to wield and ax!" he explains.
"I can promise you, friend, that I will not fail."
My promise was not without backing and he even promised to get my Berserker noblewoman to come out to the Provings to see me fight. With that in mind, I walked in thinking that I wouldn't have a problem. Well, I knew that I would have to hold back today because this wasn't about killing someone. I just needed to fight to knock unconscious not to survive. No, I wasn't in the forest anymore fighting random wolves and bandits; this was just for fun.
I had borrowed a long sword from the House I now represented and even though the man had looked at me skeptically when I had asked for one he wasn't disappointed by the outcome. The Provings had been long enough away from me to get back into the swing of things, literally. They let me use their training rooms so that I could get used to throwing around a sword again but it was just like learning to write, you never forgot how to do it. I picked it up instantly and felt at peace. I was back where I belonged and I used Dusters to get back into shape. Talna was a rogue but she was an amazing rogue that reminded me of Isabella. She was a duel sword wielder and was something of a menace with them. I guess living in the underground of the underground did some things for your talents.
When the Provings came, I was more than ready and actually didn't think anyone had a chance against me. I was arrogant from all my battles in Kirkwall and didn't really think that it was foolish to allow myself to think that I was powerful after so long without a great fight. A week of preparation didn't make up for the weeks of just fighting rogue bandits who didn't know the pointed end of a dagger. Talna filled me in on all of the fighters that I would have to defeat but none of them sounded too bad.
"In her first Provings, Sarka of Unknown origins, is fighting on behalf of the Faern House. Her first match with be against Dag Kilal of the Twin Swords who is fighting on behalf of the Kilal House; this is his third Proving. Begin!" the announcer shouts as the other man, a Dwarf with pitch hair, draws his blades to threaten me.
His lips curl in a sneering smirk when I don't draw my blade that is almost as tall as I am. "Too afraid to draw your blade? I bet you can't even pull it from your back!" he mocks and had I been in any other state of mind I would have laughed at him. Too bad for him I wasn't doing well at controlling my emotions and I felt the Berserker banging on the cage of my self control to get out.
I hold back as he charges and I feel the creature inside rip through. My silver eyes raised and he hesitated slightly when he saw the burning behind them. My insides clenched and I growled as my hand reached for my sword and soon I was throwing him to the side a bloody mess. Most of the fights went like this until the last one. It was a woman whose name I hadn't caught seeing as I was so messed up on my Berserker high.
She was beautiful though and very deadly. Our battle was probably the most interesting thing that crowd had ever seen. She was a two-handed sword wielder as well and our styles were completely different. She used so much grace and beauty while I had learned to fight in situations that called for more adjusted techniques. She was to the book on her style and fighting but I'm pretty sure that was what destroyed her in the end; she couldn't handle my adaptations of techniques and I have to admit I started to fight pretty nasty near the end when my Berserker rage started to wear off and I grew tired.
In the end though, I won by being the one to know how to take a hit. Her endurance was good but she hadn't had to fight a creature like Meredith or the Arishok. If she had had to learn to adapt to changes and real danger then she probably would have beaten me. In the end, I had more skill and more years under my belt than she did but I would have liked to fight with her again. We became friends after the Provings and I trained with her often; she learned quickly but that is beside the point of this story.
After I had won, I walked out of the battle arena to see the men that represented the House I had just fought for standing beside a lovely woman. She had long auburn hair that fell in a thick braid down her back and her eyes were the most beautiful golden honey color I had ever seen. Needless to say, I was struck speechless by this vision of beauty. Hey, I'm an open person! I can find women beautiful and irresistible if I want! It doesn't mean I would go behind my lover's back and sleep with her though!
Anyways, I stepped up to her and saw the peace on her face but also saw the hidden Berserker inside those lovely shaded eyes. She offered a hand and I shook it feeling the strength behind the grip. This was the woman I had been looking for this whole time; I had finally found her after almost three months in the underground city. "Hello, Sarka, it is nice to finally get to meet you," she said in a tone that slipped like honey down my skin. She was so beautiful but the spark behind her eyes warned me to keep alert around her; she was dangerous.
"I have waited a long time to meet you," I state returning the strong handshake.
She chuckles and it sounds like music. "I know you have and I have watched you for a long time," she admits making my eyes widen in shock. "You think I would let some random Berserker into my city and not follow her about? You are smarter than that, Sarka. But come, we must talk in private at my estate. Thank you, friend, for allowing me to take her." She is looking at my House and they bow as she escorts me out of the Provings to her estate.
We keep silent until we reach her bedroom where she turns on me with a smirk that seems far too familiar to me. "Come now, tell me who you really are!" she demands in a nice kind of way. I stare at her for a few moments but shake my head with a laugh. "You can't just be someone who walks in here without a name or title! You're fighting style is too refined for that!"
"You are correct, friend. I am Lillian Hawke and I was the Champion of Kirkwall a good many months ago," I explain watching her eyes go from shock to excitement. "I found out I was a Berserker a while before I fought Meredith and released the Circle but after the last betrayal I found there was no control-"
"Shush now, Hawke. I know your pain because I've lived through it," she cuts me off seeming to be a little distant for the moment. "Do you know who I am?" I stare at her shocked for a moment but shake my head. She sighs deeply running a hand over her forehead. "It figures, if you knew who I was, you would not be so inclined to accept my help."
I stare at her oddly and feel a little suspicious of her for a second but then relax. "Come on, whatever you did in the past means nothing to me," I state knowing that I am not one to talk of past mistakes.
"It's not what I did in the past that you should worry about…it's who," she gets an evil kind of smirk and I stare at her oddly before she chuckles. "My name is Bianca."
You're the heat in my bones,
But you break me with stones.
You're the heat in my bones,
But you break me with stones
If a plane crashed into my room
I wouldn't even flinch,
I couldn't try to move.
My mind is on you,
my mind is on you.
~ Ellie Goulding "Little Dream"