A Place to Rest My Head
Summary: Varric has never told Hawke his feelings and to see her being matched with noblemen who don't fit her at all is hard. One drunken night will change everything but will it be for better or worse? F!HawkexVarric
Rating: M+
Warnings: Cursing, Violence.
Disclaimer: I don't own Dragon Age II nor any of the characters.
Don't know much about your life.
Don't know much about your world, but
Don't want to be alone tonight,
On this planet they call earth.
~ Celine Dion "Taking Chances"
"What? Why would you want to go with me?" I ask utterly shocked by her request. I had thought something like helping kill off a few rogue darkspawn but this? How could I take a Hero from her home, the home that depended on her? Then again, how could I take a town's Champion away?
She shrugs slightly staring out the window of the tavern. "I need a change of scenery and plus, I have a friend I am desperate to see in Antiva. I haven't seen him in a long time and I feel like I'm ready to answer a question he asked a long time ago. I can't be mad at him forever," she whispers but I can feel there are words unspoken under her soft tone. "Besides, I need to get away from this place. It's suffocating. What do you say?"
What did I say? To have my Hero travel with me for a while? Oh my Maker it was like a dream come true! "Yes, of course!" I say happily watching her laugh at how eager I was.
"Very well then, we should go see Alistair so that he can get the arrangements ready for us," she comments easily as she stands up. "He'll be so thrilled." Her voice was thin when she said this and I could tell that this was going to be awkward. But...she needed this break more than when I had left Kirkwall.
We made our way back to the castle and I smirked at the guard that hadn't let me through the first time. He grew pale and skittered away quickly. It was nice to be able to instill fear inside people's hearts even this far from home. "Alistair," I hear my companion call out as we walk into the man's bed chambers. I felt like this was a bit inappropriate but when the King turns and sees the woman his face brightens. I can't say the same for Kora who seems to have sealed herself away from something. "I believe you've met Lillian Hawke before."
He turns his face away from the woman that had taken up all of his attention a second ago and he smiles at me. "Welcome, to Ferelden! They had said you disappeared! I never would have believed that you would be here in my chambers!" he comments holding out his hand so that I can shake it. "What brings you here?"
"I was looking for my Dwarven friend, Varric, and Kora here says that she knows where he went," I explain watching as realization sparks across the man's face.
"We need a ship to Antiva, Alistair," Kora states finally after a bit of silence. The air is tense when Alistair looks at the woman to his side. She is standing with her feet apart and she is obviously ready for anything.
"We?" Alistair asks innocently. He knew what 'we' meant.
"Yes, I'm going with her," she answers calmly but I can see that this decision is a hard one to make. Then it clicks.
She loves him. I could see it written all across her face. And he loved her. They were in love sometime before Alistair became King but…everyone knew that an Elf, especially a City Elf, could not marry a King. Their tryst was between them but the rumors had been there. I had never thought they were true. A King lying with an Elf? It made my heart clench for the woman. How had she stayed here so long with this constant reminder that she could not have him? I looked at the man's hand and saw the wedding ring there. He had a wife as well! Why would she torture herself like this?
"You can't go!" Alistair nearly cries. "I need you here!"
"Stop fooling yourself, Alistair. You haven't needed me since I destroyed the Arch Demon," she states icily making my spine snap to attention at how hard the words were. They hit home too. The man's face contorted with sadness as the woman he loved started to slip away from him physically as she had already done, mentally and emotionally before.
He steels himself. "Are you going to find Zevran?" he asks and I can tell that this was not someone Alistair enjoyed. Zevran…where had I heard that name before?
She crosses her arms over her chest and stands up to him. "And what if I am?" she demands quirking a fine eyebrow at the man. "He writes to me about his endeavors and I need to get out of this place. I can't stand this life, Alistair! My hand itches to swing a sword again! I need to be fighting and defending! I can't stay in this cushy life of an honored guest! Besides, we both know this is killing the both of us; let's not lie anymore Alistair. You know that this isn't going to fix itself so I'm taking the first step."
I feel as if I am intruding on something personal but Alistair can see the woman's logic and sighs deeply. "You're right," he whispers even though it is killing him inside. "How long will you be gone?"
"As long as it takes," she whispers gently before turning away from him. "Come, Lillian, you can help me pack."
We walk out of the tension soaked room and start down the hall. We don't go far before she is pulling open a door and allows me inside. Even before she sits down I can tell that the tears are flowing from her eyes, down her cheeks, and onto her chest. I sit down on a chair and wait for her to say something. I know her pain and I want to help her but I can see that she is not a Berserker. Instead, she seemed to favor the duel weapon technique, judging by the weapons set to the wall near her armor cabinet.
You don't know about my past, and
I don't have a future figured out.
And maybe this is going too fast.
And maybe it's not meant to last,
~ Celine Dion "Taking Chances"
"I knew that Alistair and I could never be together," she whispers after a long time of silent crying. "From the first time I saw him, I knew two things: One, I would fall in love with him; and two, he would crush my heart. I don't know how I knew but I did and I still fell into the trap. Perhaps, I thought I was wrong or just exaggerating things. Maybe, I thought a City Elf had a chance of being by his side no matter what. Maybe I thought he would give up his crown to be with me…" she stops and I can see the pain in her eyes as she stares at the floor.
"I had to let him go, though. As a Grey Warden…I must do what is right for my country and he had to be King…I encouraged him…I made him take that crown even though I would have to see him marry some other woman and have children with her," she sounds bitter but at the same time I could tell she had come to terms with this pain. "You know…I was supposed to die fighting that Arch Demon?" Her words hit me hard and I stare at her, shocked and confused. "The Grey Warden to kill the Demon has to take the taint into their heart and I was supposed to die along with the Demon. That was what I was counting on."
I shiver at the tone of her voice. "How did you survive?" I ask slowly.
She clenches her fists. "One of my mages…she gave me a proposition before the final battle. She said she could save my life if I let Alistair sleep with her and sire a child," she stops my words from forming with a hand. "If she had the Grey Warden's child inside of her then the taint would automatically go to that child and…I don't know…she didn't explain to me what would happen! Something about a God on Earth but I didn't let it go any further than that. I had accepted my fate. I gently told her no and went on way."
I saw the anger in her eyes as she looked up. "My dear friend, Zevran, he heard the entire thing and went to Alistair to ask for me. Alistair, of course, said yes to save my life and went through with the ritual without my knowledge," she growls out running through the memories in her mind. "When I slew that Demon, I waited for the peace of death. No more painful feeling in my chest; no more loving a man that would never be allowed to love me back; and no more fighting for other people. Too bad it never came and I woke up three days later in a bed in the castle.
"Zevran was there waiting for me to wake up so he could explain himself. He confessed that he had feelings for me and wanted to give me a second chance. He invited me to Antiva to live with him; get away from this town of fools, he said. I was so furious at him for going behind my back that I lashed out at him and now…I need to find him," she mumbles rubbing her forehead harshly. "I said some terrible things that I didn't mean. I want to see if I can't love Zevran because for a while I thought I might be able to but…Maker, I fucked up."
I smile slightly and move to sit next to her. "We'll find him, Kora. I will help you get over this as best I can," I tell her trying to find the confidence that I need to convince her. Love, was a terrible thing to break but…she needed a new start.
She smiles and leans into my arms comforted by the warmth I provide. "I thought having a Hero that was an Elf would help to end the prejudice…it hasn't helped a bit," she sighs going completely limp in my arms. I feel a sudden surge of relief that the Hero was just as human as the rest of us; she felt and had spells of weakness just like I did.
"It's okay, we'll just travel," I whisper rocking her back and forth to comfort her.
We were on a ship within the week and I could tell that the further we got from the shores of Ferelden the more comfortable the woman became. I couldn't imagine what this woman must have gone through to save these people and they repaid her by making her love forbidden. I could relate to her…a lot, actually. She wasn't one to complain though and I smiled as we sailed across the sea. This trip was a little better seeing as I wasn't, one, running from the Blight and, two, I wasn't leaving my lover behind. Actually, I was going to find him. With my hero at my side.
The trip to Antiva wasn't as long as I thought and when we hit the shores I kind of regretted coming to this place. It reeked of industry with the scent of wet leather and dried garbage mixed together in a melody that made me scrunch my nose. "You think this is bad? You should try living in Denerim's Alienage for a day," my companion comments as she starts off down the street towards the Inn.
We get a room and start to ask around about the man she was looking for. She knew his exact description and he wasn't hard to track down though when we did…there was conflict. I wasn't used to running into trouble like this anymore; sure, in Kirkwall I had come into trouble every time I walked down the street but now I was in a different place and to actually use my sword on the street I felt…at home.
Come to find out…he was in jail.
"Great," my companion scoffs as she wipes the blood from her face as she pulls her swords from the man's chest. I'm sure she would have spared him had he not mentioned that he was going to enjoy watching Zevran's head roll. Well, she was well-tempered but…not in the light of that comment. "What have you gotten yourself into this time, Zev?"
But what do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below,
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?
~ Celine Dion "Taking Chances"
What was worse was the fact that he was in a Crow dungeon, which made it that much harder to get to him. Supposedly, these Crows were something to be afraid of…well, neither of us seemed all that intimidated. We had both fought Crows before and it didn't scare us to take down a few more. The dungeon wasn't hard to find seeing as we both knew the signs of the Crows and all that was left was to cut our way through the guards in our way to Zevran. We were a mad sort of team that took down all of the men without much trouble; they had no clue what was coming and the fact that every one of them underestimated us made it all that much easier.
I wish I could have seen the way we fought because it was probably like two mad, skilled Demons following the moves of the other. Her style reminded me a lot of Isabella and later on I would find out that she had actually met up with the duelist her trails. I had forgotten that Isabella had told me about meeting Kora. That must be were she became so wicked with a double pair of swords. I don't mean daggers either! She wields two short swords like they were nothing! It was amazing to watch!
Anyways, we cut our way through the guards and when we finally get to the dungeon we find it empty. "What?" I hear my companion whisper seeing the trail of blood that lead from the cage door to the stairs that lead up to the other side of the house. "Come on!"
We rush up the stairs and when I expect to see a dead elf I find instead half a dozen Crows, dead, on the floor littering our path. Up ahead, cutting off the head of the leader, was the Antivan we came to look for. He was a tall, lean cut of man with blond hair that reached down to just above his neck. He was wearing leather armor and was a two weapon user as well though he preferred a dagger and a sword instead of the two swords of his ex-comrade.
"Zevran?" Kora asks softly causing him to turn his full body.
Oh that's where I'd heard that name! I saved this guy from those Crows hunting him down in Kirkwall! I had totally forgotten about him being a Crow in the past. He had the same beautiful eyes that sparkled a deep, murky brown and his face was so angular and chiseled that I couldn't help but be attracted to him. If he had white hair he might remind me of Fenris except for this man was way happier and smiled a lot.
"Kora? What are you doing-oomph!" he gasps when he is tackled head on by the worried sick female. I'm not sure how he keeps from toppling over but I am presently surprised at his strength as he wraps his arms around her body. "Well, it is good to see you as well!" His accent is thicker than I remember it being and his laugh was musical as he buried his face in her white hair. I saw the secretive smile that crossed those lips and I ached for a time when I would be able to fold myself into my lover's arms.
"I thought you were dead, you ass!" she shouts smacking him across the chest playfully. He laughs with her and ruffles her hair to kiss her forehead. She flushes softly at the gesture just as he turns his eyes to me.
"Champion? I had not expected to see you here!" he laughs still keeping a tight arm around the woman's shoulders. She doesn't seem to object and actually leans into his comforting embrace. Oh…how I wanted that.
"It's been a long time since I saved your ass," I smile brightly trying to hide the pain that soaks through my aching heart. I would cry later.
"You two know each other?" Kora questions looking between the two of us.
"It was a fleeting meeting, I assure you," he states making it quite clear that we hadn't had anything other than a friendly rescue. Kora gives the man a very skeptical look but shrugs and pulls away. "Now, why, are you away from the sweet King? I had assumed he would never rule a paper bag without the help of his precious Hero!" His words are playful but I can feel the bite underneath that makes it very clear what he thinks of Alistair.
I watch her smile softly before she rubs her arm. "I was hoping…" she trails off and Zevran smiles gently before he strokes her cheek.
"My offer still stands, Kora," he confirms and I can see that she is relieved. Had she really thought he wouldn't allow her to come back? She wraps her arms around his neck hugging him tightly as if she were afraid that he would disappear if she let go. "I missed you." I can barely hear the words and I feel like I am intruding in their moment just as they pull away. "I saw your mage not too long ago, Champion," he finally says to me as he looks over with his honey eyes.
I jerk to attention. "Anders?" I ask knowing that Merril was with her family at this moment. She wouldn't leave to travel to Antiva.
"Yes, that was his name, and he was looking for you," he adds tapping his chin. "I think he said that he was staying at that nasty Inn across town." I can't help but find that ironic. That was the same nasty Inn we were staying at. How had I missed him?
"Well, what are we waiting for?" Kora asks dragging the man by the arm out of the mess of bodies to the Inn that we were staying at.
We got there in just enough time to hear the explosion that rocked the ground we stood on; my insides curled when I heard the familiar scream that belonged to my long lost friend. I rushed to the burning building and plunged into the heat. It was so fierce and intimidating that I wasn't sure if I'd be able to stand it for as long as it would take to get my friend out. "Anders!" I scream through the roaring fire that yells in my ears and makes my skin sweat. I need to find my friend. "Anders, it's-"
"Hawke!" I hear his voice and dart towards the sound crashing through hot wood and iron to get to where I could see the man surrounded by fire. He was wounded and bleeding from his side but I could tell from there that it wasn't mortal. As I watched him, I could see that he was healing the wound already. "Get out of here! I can get out with my ice magic!"
I just want to start again,
And maybe you could show me how to try,
And maybe you could take me in,
Somewhere underneath your skin?
~ Celine Dion "Taking Chances"
I wasn't listening to his words as they were spoken. Instead, I was pushing through the flames to get to where he was sitting. He was screaming something but I was too busy ignoring him to jump over the barrier of flames that barred my way. I reached out to touch his shoulder just when I heard the creaking above my head. I looked up in just enough time to see the wood cracking and starting to fall towards us as if it were in slow motion. I covered the man's body with my own just as he raised his staff to create a shield around us. The wood and fire scatter around the dome as I cling to the man's neck as I feel the pulsations of Justice working through him. I could feel his cool heat making my skin prickle as one arm wrapped under my body to haul me up with strength you couldn't see on Anders.
His eyes glowed a crystalline blue that pierced my soul as Justice looked up at me. I could feel his scrutiny but he knew that if he left me here to die then Anders would never forgive him. Instead, he carried me with the shield staying stationed over us as we moved. It helped to clear the way but as the shield started to weaken I jumped down from his grasp to hack away at the wood until we broke free and came into clean air. I coughed out the smoke that clogged my lungs and airway as the man did the same his hand still on my back.
He straightened up to sit me down. "You've inhaled too much smoke," he comments coming down from his Justice-induced high so that he could pull the smoke right from my lungs. It was a strange feeling to have the cough drawn right from my lungs into his hands. I took a deep breath that wasn't plagued with the dry taste of smoke and smiled at the man. "I thought you were a goner for sure," he chuckles darkly his cheeks smudged with ash and soot.
"You should know that it takes more than a burning building to get rid of me," I smile just as I feel two familiar arms wrap around my shoulders. His scent is cloaked in smoke but I can smell the woodsy, ginger scent that was uniquely the mage's. I returned the hug and felt comfort in the familiar person. "I missed you too."
Anders backs away and we sit there for a while just staring at each other before I feel the tears prickling my eyes. "What's wrong?" he asks genuinely concerned.
"I'm sorry," I whisper wetly. The tears cascade down my cheeks and he wraps his arms around me again to envelope me in that familiar comfort. "I shouldn't have said those things I did back then."
"Back-" he stops and then realizes why I was crying. "You're still hung up on what happened between us at Kirkwall?"
I sob softly and cling to his still-smoking robes. "I-I threw you around and almost killed you, Anders. I understood why you did it but the betrayal blinded me! I'm sorry! I never meant to hurt you!" I whimper as he pushes me away so that he can look into my face.
"Hawke, I forgave you a long time ago! You know that! We both did things that betrayed our friendship but we understand that what we did was beyond our control. I had to do what I did and you couldn't control yourself," he explains stroking my hair tenderly. "Please, don't beat yourself up about the past. I have no hard feelings towards you and seeing as you jumped into a burning building to save me…I'm guessing you feel the same."
His smile makes my insides relax and I smile gently back at him. "Thanks," I whisper wiping my face. My eyes land on the blood soaking the side of his robe. "Maker, what happened Anders?"
He looks down but shrugs it off. "It's healed," he says as explanation for the wound but I still glare at him until he sighs. "Okay, I was attacked by Crow assassins sent by the Chantry to get rid of me. I don't know how they found me but…obviously they did. They rushed out when I caused the explosion."
"You're good at blowing things up, aren't you?" I joke slightly earning a glare from the man. "Joking, joking, Anders." I hold my hands up to defend myself but he just smiles and leans back to relax.
I yelp when a strong hand cuffs me on the back of my head. I look up to see Kora standing over me looking just slightly pissed…yeah that was sarcasm. "What the hell did you think you were doing?" she snaps placing her hands on her hips. I gave her a small smile to try and make up for it as I shrugged. "Maker, girl! You had me worried sick! You don't just go running into a building fire like that!"
"If Zevran was in there would you have hesitated?" I ask with a calm voice and she opens her mouth to give a retort but thinks better of it. Of course she would. The man standing beside her chuckles and pats the girl on the back.
"You have done much sillier things for those you care about," he comments earning a small punch to the arm. "Including going through a whole headquarters of the Antivan Crows to get to a very unworthy elf!"
She smiles gently and pats him on his shoulder. "It's true."
I just want to start again,
And maybe you could show me how to try,
And maybe you could take me in,
Somewhere underneath your skin?
~ Celine Dion "Taking Chances"
We had to find another place to rest our heads and when I had settled into the new Inn I caught up with Anders. He had been running through the different towns since we separated trying to liberate the mages of each. The fact that he had helped the Champion in Kirkwall with the liberation of the Circle only helped his reputation and he was able to get a lot of the Circles to follow him. I should have been angry that he used me for his mission but…I actually liked to hear that the mages were standing up for themselves.
Sure, my mother had been killed by mages but I now knew that there was no way I could stereotype every mage just because one was fucked up in the head. I listened to his story for a while then he started talking about Kirkwall and how it had been going to Hell since the Chantry had sent their men and women to try and lock away the mages again. Of course, the mages in Kirkwall were strong and very organized now that they had had time to show that they were strong enough to assert themselves.
"They're trying the Tranquil Solution," Anders finally finishes and I feel myself bristle. I knew what this meant. It made me sick because Bethany was still in Kirkwall.
"What is the Tranquil Solution?" Kora asks as she walks in from taking a bath. Her hair was sticking up as she dried it with a towel and I chuckled softly at her. "Shut up."
Anders took the question seriously though. "It's a disgusting tactic that the Chantry wants to use against mages. It basically justifies the turning of mages into Tranquils so that they'll be able to control them better," he explains and I see the expression of disgust on the Hero's face that made me feel a little better. Kora and I had become very close since we had set out on this adventure together. We felt the same about a lot of things and to know that this was another made me feel a bit better.
"That's disgusting," she growls harshly.
"Tell me about it," Anders cries, excited to have another strong supporter. "We should go back to Kirkwall, Hawke."
I winced at those words feeling them creep across my skin in a way that made me want to be physically sick. The memories were still fresh in my mind of a time when I used to be just a lowtown brawler. "I can't," I whisper hoarsely. My throat was dry and I couldn't imagine what I would do once in Kirkwall.
"We have to!" Anders insists urgently. "The mages there won't be able to stop the invasion if we don't help! We can get the team back together-"
"What team, Anders?" I shout slamming the side of my fist into the wall. Everyone stops and looks at me shocked. I realize that I had allowed a bit of my Berserker was slipping out so I reined it in. I ran a hand over my face hiding my eyes, which I was sure were dilated dangerously. "Aveline already has her hands full and she can't do this again. She can't jeopardize her growing family like that. Merril has the duty to take care of her clan in this time of war. Fenris…I don't even know where he is! I haven't even heard about him since I left Kirkwall. Isabella is on a ship somewhere unknown and I have no clue where Varric is! I've been looking everywhere for him but I-I don't know where he is."
"Then let's find them! Aveline will help us and so will Merril and I've heard a rumor that Varric is actually back in Kirkwall," Anders states making me jerk my head to look at him. I glare dangerously moving forward to stare into his face.
"If you are lying just to get me back to Kirkwall…" I trail off and let him fill in the rest but he looks at me without a lie in his eyes.
He shakes his head. "No, I'm telling the truth," he tells me.
Kora steps forward to place a hand on my shoulder. "Then I guess we're headed to Kirkwall!" she states happily.
"What?" I ask.
"Well, it sounds like you guys could use some help fixing Kirkwall and I'm sure that this will soon leech into Ferelden so it wouldn't hurt for us to help," she shrugs looking at Zevran who nods his head. "Then it's settled! We'll find a ship that's going to Kirkwall!"
We found a ship within the next two days. Zevran said he had a friend that could get us to Kirkwall as soon as they hit port and I was fine with that. It just meant that I could find my lover faster that way. I needed to find him before he left Kirkwall and I missed him. The only reason I had agreed to this was for the chance to find my lover.
The ship arrived right on time and as we walked to the port I saw the huge ship coming closer. Across the side in big beautiful scrawl was the name SEA HAWKE. I stared at the name confused. The bird's name wasn't spelt with an 'E'. "There you are!" I heard a familiar voice call and I looked up to see a very scantily clad pirate female standing on the railing of her boat. "I thought you'd never get here! If we want to stay on schedule, we need to leave!"
"Isabella!" I laugh placing a hand on my forehead. I rush up the plank connecting the ship to the shore to greet the woman with a hug. "I never thought I'd see you again!"
What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?
~ Celine Dion "Taking Chances"
She smiles and pulls away to stare into my eyes. "You look so much better! Are you doing something different with your hair?" she asks and I touch the dark tresses to feel how long they were. I guess I hadn't cut my hair in a while. "You look good."
I nodded my head. "I got help with my problems and now I'm ready to find Varric."
"Well, I do have another surprise for you," she says moving to the side as a very familiar elf drops down from the mast. He wasn't wearing his usual leather armor and had instead decided to done a pair of loose, dark breeches and a shirt with the sleeves cut off. His lyrium veins were glowing against his dusty skin and his sharp face was deepened by the shadows playing across his cheekbones. His green eyes seemed brighter and more vivid than I remember them.
"Fenris…" I whisper as he walks over to stand in front of me.
"Hawke," he responds as we stare at each other.
I feel slightly awkward standing in front of the man that I had betrayed by siding with the mages but as I looked into his eyes I saw the forgiveness. "You don't have to help me with this," I say just as his arms wrap around my neck suddenly pulling me into a hug that was more intimate than I would have admitted. I could say that I had never seen this many physically show affection in all of the years that I had known him. The closest thing that I had gotten to a show of affection was a smile and that was so long ago I wasn't sure what it looked like.
I raised my arms to press against his strong back feeling the muscles that he had grown from the work he did on the ship. I felt the comfort just as I had from Anders and squeezed tightly; if I let him go…he would disappear and I would wake up from his vivid, beautiful dream. I would be back in the forests after I had just left Varric. I would be back where I started with the taunting dream that made all of my fantasies come true.
"I want to help you," he says gently pulling away. "I've had my own help since we parted ways and I've come to terms with some things. I will help you…because I need to repay you for everything you did for me."
"You don't have to, Fenris. I will be helping mages and I know that goes against everything you believe," I say seriously watching a very rare smile cross his thin lips.
"No, I have to do this. You're right, I do believe that Circles are there for a reason but…I also know that with you there, there won't be any backlash. You'll make sure the peace is kept and that power will stay neutral," he states seeming more calm than I had ever seen him before. I guess I wasn't the only one out to get some peace of mind.
I smile happily. "Who are you and what have you done with Fenris?" I ask with a brightly laugh earning a light cuff to the head. "Hey now! Just because you're on medication doesn't mean I still can't kick your ass!"
"Yeah, I'd like to see that!" he smirks crossing his arms defiantly. "As long as you've controlled your temper! I don't want to die in a freak Berserker accident!"
"Just worry about not getting yourself beat to a pulp!" I growl playfully.
Our journey, though long, was very calming for me. I hadn't realized how much I had truly missed all of my comrades. I hadn't realized how much I needed them until they were gone and I was on my own. I had needed that time to myself but now I was ready to get everyone back together and do something productive. I missed being a hero as much as it took out of me. I needed to be doing what I loved again. I needed to see the one I loved again.
We made it to the coast within a week and I was glad to see the familiar statues that had been a beacon of hope even through their morbid past. In the past they had instilled fear and hatred but now…I missed their forlorn appearance. To see them greet me to my true home I felt at ease. Sure, I had many trials coming up but…I knew I could face them head on with my group of renegade friends.
When we hit the shore, Aveline was there waiting for us, to my shock. She waited for us to settle the ship to the harbor before storming up the steps. She was the same Aveline I remember seeing the first time on the road through the Wilds years ago. She was a stone wall that could not be moved; a loyal friend that could not be separated; and a woman that looked as if she were going to kill me right there. Her rock hard body plows into mine grabbing me up into an uncharacteristic hug. Her strong arms latched around my neck and pulled me into a heart-breaking (not to mention rib-breaking) hug.
"What took you so long, Hawke? I thought…I thought you had…" her words dissolved into tears that made my insides clench painfully. To make this strong woman cry…I was a bitch. A total and utter bitch, unlike any other. I latched onto her and hugged her desperately. "This town has been all to hell since you left!"
I pulled away after a while and smiled up at the woman whose freckles were aflame with her confession. "I'm sorry I've been gone so long," I whisper wiping the tears from her red face. Her face was like a memory and I couldn't believe I was back in my home standing with almost all of my old friends. I was missing two people and then my life would be so much better. "But I'm here now and I'm going to do what I can to fix this."
And I had my heart beaten down,
But I always come back for more, yeah.
There's nothing like love to pull you up,
When you're laying down on the floor there.
So talk to me, talk to me,
Like lovers do.
Yeah walk with me, walk with me,
Like lovers do,
Like lovers do.
~ Celine Dion "Taking Chances"
"You had better!" she nearly shouts in her thick accent. "This town can't survive without you!" I smile at her dramatics and pat her on her shoulder.
"Have…have you heard from Merril or Varric?" I ask softly terrified to hear either or.
She hesitates but continues anyways. "Merril is now the Keeper of the Dalish clan on the mountain…I…have not heard from Varric in a couple of months," her words make my heart ache. At least Merril was around. As long as I could get her help then I could worry about getting information on Varric later. "We'll find him, Hawke." Her eyes turn to the two new faces on the ship who are standing not too far off. "Who are they?"
I smile at her protective instinct but pat her on the back. "Aveline, it is my pleasure to introduce you to Zevran a once Antivan Crow and his companion, Kora the Hero of Ferelden!" I say watching Aveline's face go from shock to embarrassment. She held the Hero just as highly as I did and to see her face contort into shock was hilarious.
"Oh Maker!" she whispers flushing deeply as the woman steps forward to offer a hand. "You have no clue how amazing it is to meet you!" She shakes the warrior's hand and Kora just smiles brightly.
"Nice to meet another fan! I'm here to help your city in any way that I can!" she states and I was pretty sure Aveline had to stop herself from fainting. Aveline didn't need to know that the woman got dragged into this just as the rest of us had.
After some pleasantries, I was escorted back to my estate, which Aveline admitted to closing off for me. She said she knew I would come back eventually so she had it closed off and periodically cleaned so that I would have a nice place to come back to. That's dedication. I knew that I would have to house a couple people so I knew that I would have to go into my mom's room to clean it later.
"I can have someone else clean it," Aveline asks as I stand outside of the door staring at the picture of my mother before she ran off with my father. A lot of the time in Orzammar with Bianca had been getting over my mother's death. I held onto the pain of guilt for far too long even with her dying words scrawled in blood on the back of my eyelids. They constantly ran through my head and the way her body looked haunted my nightmares.
I shake my head. "No," I whisper gently touching the doorknob. "I have to do this."
Later, after I had gone through all of my mother's things I heard the door open. I didn't have to look back to know that it was Fenris. The scent of leather and lyrium was uniquely his. I was sitting on the bed with an envelope in my hand. It had my name written on the back of it in my mother's beautiful handwriting. How long had this sat in this room waiting for me to pick it up off of the pillow?
Fenris padded silently over to settle next to me on the bed, the plush mattress dipping under his weight. I kept staring at the yellowed envelope stroking the letters with my thumb. "Are you going to open it?" he asks after a while of silence. His voice is deep, throaty and comforting to hear so close. Fenris had always known just what to say to make things better for me. He wasn't one to sugar-coat anything and he said things that I needed to hear even if I didn't want to hear them.
I give a small snort at his straightforward words. "I want to," I whisper softly flipping the envelope over to look at the red wax holding the flap closed. Our family crest was stamped into the melted wax but I couldn't bring myself to break it. "I just…I'm afraid of what's inside."
"You? Afraid?" he asks skeptically making me chuckle. "I've seen you take on a Higher Dragon and fifteen dragonlings with only a dagger and a Dwarf and you're afraid of opening a letter?"
I laugh brightly looking up at the forest green eyes that were staring at me. "You've spent way too much time with Varric; you're beginning to exaggerate like him," I whisper but I do feel better nonetheless. My fingers tremble as I pull the wax away and draw the parchment out. I am shocked to see only seven words on the page in her fluid cursive.
Lillian,
I'm proud of you.
Love,
Mother
Even though it's short and sweet the tears still overflow and I feel the sob wrack my body. I lean over with the pain of the guilt leaving my body and I cry for a good long time with Fenris' hand placed gently on my back. This was the extent of his comfort but it was more than enough as I let myself break down. Bianca had always said that you had to breakdown to build back up. Crying wasn't weakness…it was necessity.
The next day, we went to see Merril who was more than excited to see me. Our chat was amicable and short but she promised that the Dalish would forever be on her side and that when the time came, she would be there when we needed her. It was a comfort but not surprising. I knew she wouldn't mind helping out if I needed it. Instead, I asked her about Varric.
"Oh, you're missing him?" she asks in her cute accent. "I just saw him about three days ago. He said he was headed south to get some rest. He's been doing a lot around Kirkwall to try and help Aveline without her knowing it, oh!" She placed a hand over her mouth because Aveline was standing right there. "I messed up!"
I placed a hand on her shoulder and smiled. "You're fine. Thank you," I say hugging the smaller woman before setting off back to Kirkwall. "South…there aren't very many cities to the south of here so it shouldn't be too hard to find him. Aveline, can you send one of your guardsmen down to the city closest to here? If he was here three days ago then he wouldn't have gotten far."
"Yes, of course," she says and when we get back she does exactly that.
What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say?
~ Celine Dion "Taking Chances"
"I got news not too long after that," she finishes up twirling the ale in her hands. "This town is only six hours away from Kirkwall if you take a horse and ride the whole time. Then, I went to the building planning to break you out by force but I just saw that you were actually standing outside staring into nothing. I followed you here. It took me almost an hour to get up the courage to approach you." She flushes gently fiddling with her hands before looking up at me with her piercing eyes.
"It took you an hour to approach me?" I ask skeptically.
She shrugs. "It…I thought it might be a dream. When I saw you standing outside of that building…I thought it might just be some crazy creation of my mind," she admits stroking a hand down my cheek smiling at me wistfully. "I've been following you for…too long. I just…there are so many things I wished I had said before walking away from you a year ago but…"
"Shh," I shush her gently seeing the tears in her eyes. "Come here." I draw her forward and kiss her tenderly feeling the emotions through her skin. We stay connected for as long as we can before I finally pull away.
"Varric," she breathes with clouded eyes. "I should have said this years ago but…I love you." My insides clench at her confession and I feel my heart pound harshly against my ribcage. "People use that word so uselessly but I truly mean it. For the longest time, I thought that you wouldn't take me back when I found you."
I look at her shocked. "You doubted me?" I ask with a smirk.
She shakes her head with a smile. "I doubted myself. I didn't want you to take me back," she admits dryly. "I will never be who I was, Varric. I will never be that woman who walked into Kirkwall with her family and companions behind her. I will never be that woman. I…am flawed and different; I have an anger problem; and I will never be able to fully control my emotions. You deserve better than that."
What do you say?
"Hawke," I say jerking her forward suddenly. She yelps and lands in my chair, straddling my legs. "Shut up." I pull her down to devour her lips tasting her pain and guilt and the pent up lust of a whole year. "I love you, Hawke. No matter what flaws you may think you have. I don't want that naïve girl who got her coin purse snatched that day. I love the woman that would beat down any person naïve enough to do that; I want the woman that will go Berserk when her friends are in danger. I want that passionate woman who will pin me down and do what she will with me. Forget the past, Hawke. I want you as you are now."
Her face goes from confused to a look that makes my heart throb. She doesn't say a thing and I watch the tears trail their way down her beautiful face. Leaning up, I kiss the clear diamonds from her cheeks and she turns to catch my lips in a passionate kiss that takes my breath away. "Maker, I love you, Varric," she sobs just like a prayer. It makes my stomach turn over.
"I love you too, Lillian," I confess enjoying the way it rolled off my tongue.
"I hate to interrupt this beautiful moment," a foreign voice states from the door making me jerk around. Hawke didn't seem too shocked to see the blond ex-Crow standing in a corner of the room right next to the open window. Had that window been open before? "But we have company coming."
Hawke jumps off my lap and moves to the door while grabbing her amulet to pull it over her neck. I didn't need to see her eyes to know that they changed color by some kind of magic. She looked out the window and chuckled lightly. "I didn't think they would get here so soon," I hear her say as she turns back to grab her cloak. She turns to me and smiles gently; she holds out her hand. "Come on, let's get out of here."
A banging comes to the door as I take her hand. "Open up!" I hear the voice of Seeker shout just as I grabbed Bianca to rush to the open window. Zevran goes first, bounding out of the window like a cat; Hawke swings her long legs over the window and pulls me after her. She jumps out the window and I go with her only to feel the air circulate around under us to gently lower us to the ground.
"Good to see you, Varric," Anders states when we are safely on the ground.
"No time to talk!" my lover whispers hauling me up onto the horse without warning me. I feel myself settle on the animal right in front of the woman who takes the reigns and turns the beast around. "Let's go!"
She ushers the horse onward and we are rushing through the forest behind the tavern. It would take the Chantry dogs a bit of time to figure out that we were no longer inside the building but when they did…I looked at the elf on the sleek black horse to the right of us and then to Anders on his corn colored mare to the left. Hawke had chosen a large burgundy colored warhorse and it was powerfully pumping its legs under us. I had never ridden a horse before and definitely not one of this strength and size before. Hawke looked like this was where she belonged in the world and the other two men seemed like they were used to it as well. I guess, I was the only one getting chaffed.
"Stop!"
"Shit, I thought it'd take them more time that this!" the woman behind me mutters harshly before jerking the reigns to the side. The horse turns sharply and the other two men follow her easily on their own horses. We rush through the forest at breakneck speed with one of Hawke's arms around my waist holding me steady as she steers the strong beast with her other hand. "Hold on, Varric!" We break through the trees and I have just enough time to see the large gorge right before we are flying through the air.
I have no time to scream as the horse's powerful legs land on the other side of the gap as tall as a Qunari. Hawke laughs triumphantly as the horses following us have to stop. The laugh stops short though and ends up a sharp scream of pain. I glance back to see what's wrong but as arrows wiz by our heads I can only guess that she had one stuck in her somewhere.
"Varric," she winces handing over the reigns. "Take control…I can't feel my right arm."
Don't know much about you life...
I take the reigns into my hand. "I don't know how to-"
"Just trust me," she whispers into my ear. "Just pull the reins to the right to make him go left and vise versa. I know you can do it." Her voice was reassuring but when I saw the trees coming on I wasn't as sure of myself. "Slow him down by tugging on the reigns a bit." I did as I was told and the powerful creature slowed slightly so that I could maneuver more easily. "They won't be able to get around that gorge for another hour or so," she comments as if she didn't have an arrow stuck to her back.
"We should stop and get your wound checked," I say but she shakes her head.
"No, we have to keep going. Just a bit longer," she grits out but I pull the reigns harshly to pull the creature to a jerking halt. She hisses in pain as she is pushed forward into my back.
"No, we're stopping and letting Anders see that wound," I say without allowing her to question my logic. I slip off of the horse and grab her by her waist to help her off as well. I hear her gasp in pain and I finally see that the arrow has penetrated the shoulder pad of her leather armor. It wasn't too deep but it was deep enough to cause her muscles to go numb.
Anders moves over after getting off of his own mare to look at the wound. "It's not too bad but we have to get the armor off and the arrow out," he states moving to his bag to grab his supplies.
The elf steps forward and helps me to settle the woman down on the ground. She tries to hold back the noise of pain but I hear it and so does the other elf. "I am Zevran by the way," he comments as we finally are able to settle the woman on the ground. "I have heard much of you, Varric."
"Nice to know," I chuckle lightly working the buckles of the Crow armor to get them off of the woman. "Can you cut around the arrow so that we can get the armor off easier?"
Zevran nods and pulls out a dangerous looking dagger. His hands are nimble and daft as he cuts out a hole in the armor gently. We would have to do this as gently as possible. I didn't want to hurt the woman more than I needed to; she was already in enough pain. "Hang in there, baby," I whisper as we start to move the armor from her chest. She hissed as we maneuver the hide away from her body. The arrow was in a good inch and I wondered if Seeker had shot that arrow; if so, she was a lot deadlier than she looked…which was saying something!
"Pull it out," she whispers breathlessly pointing to the arrow in her face. "There's no other way. You're just going to have to jerk it out."
"Go ahead, Zevran, you have much nimbler fingers than I do," I say holding the woman's shoulders as she leans forward to press her face into my neck.
The man gives a knowing smirk as his hand wraps around the shaft of the arrow. "Now, from what I've heard," he starts as he presses his other hand to the woman's shoulder. "You have quite the nimble-" he jerks the arrow out. "-fingers."
Her scream is the worst thing I've ever heard as she grasps my arms harshly. I can hear the tears in her scream and I wrap my arms around her waist to pull her close. Anders sidles up behind her and starts to work his magic to close the wound and stop the pain. I hate to see her in pain but I know that she'll be fine as soon as the healer is done. He tugs out the pain and heals the tissues and muscles until the wound is a mere memory burnt into all of our minds.
"Oh Maker," she whispers. "Let's never do that again."
"Agreed," I chuckle helping her to stand up after a good five minutes of massaging her shoulder to ease the pain that is sure to be burning in her mind. "Let's get out of here."
Don't know much about your world.
~ Celine Dion "Taking Chances"