Disclaimer: Sadly enough, I don't own anything. This is written for pure enjoyment only and no profit to be gained!

CHAPTER: 17

All through the late morning and early afternoon, Bobby was haunted and tormented by horribly dreams; nightmares he knew he would never attempt to speak of when he was awake. The nightmares weren't just about Tates and the recent events in his life…they were about his mother, his not-so-known father, Alex's kidnapping and other horrible memories he had endured, suffered through and never been able to forget about no matter how hard he tried. When Bobby laid down for bed every night, even before Tates, he never knew what dream would terrify him during the night and into the wee hours. It scared him in the beginning when they had first started, but not so much anymore. That didn't mean that he wouldn't wake up with a start in a cold sweat. When he was at work, he'd pretend that nothing was wrong, that he was ok, and put up an extra wall just in case someone tried to read through it; read him. Truth was, at times he just wanted to run and hide when he went through those nights, some of the worst nightmares, where he only got no more than an hour of sleep. He'd occasionally go into a private room at work, sometimes an empty interrogation room and rest heavily against the wall. He'd tightly close his eyes and wish that his dreams would fade...that one night they'd be gone all together. He hated it, and hated himself because his nightmares frequently visited him while at work. Just one little occurrence in a single case, just one little hint of something that related back to him and his life and it would send his mind on a downward spiral. He kept telling himself to let them go, to rid his mind of it all, or at least until he got back home, but with little success. No matter what happened though, he just could not relieve the pain of them. It was very rare for him to have a pleasant dream, but when he did, it was either about the rare occurrences in his childhood where he was happy and everything seemed right in the world…or about Alex. Nothing else. He loved the ones about Alex the most.

Alex lay in bed, lightly asleep when she started to hear Bobby softly whimper and then begin to toss and turn lightly in her arms. She felt him tense up, all the muscles in his back tighten briefly, but she'd rub his back softly and sooth it all away. She had been doing it all night and Bobby reacted rather quickly and gave a content sigh and quickly fell back asleep in Alex's arms. It made her smile when he wrapped his large, lengthy arm around her waist; almost protective like.

Once, early after he had fallen asleep, Bobby needed to use the bathroom. Surprisingly enough, Alex didn't need to help him along the way. As she waited for him to return, she couldn't help but think about him and about where they were at this very moment.

She knew she shouldn't be laying here like this, both of them in the same bed, but now, right at this moment in time, she didn't give a damn.

Screw what anyone says. She mused as she waited for Bobby to return to bed.

The more time she spent with Bobby after, not just Tates, but after the incident, the more broken she'd realized him to be. She never thought it was this bad…she never knew about the things that went on in his mind; though she damn well tried. She wondered if he would ever cope from this and move past this dark side of his life. She wished he would be happy, but it seemed like light years away.

Alex was so caught up in her thoughts that she didn't notice Bobby walking back into the room until he sat down tiredly on the bed. She looked over towards him and mentally frowned. He had put a shirt back on which, she gathered was from embarrassment. It took him no time at all, however, to snuggle back up against her though. That gave Alex some satisfaction. She knew Bobby was a shy man, so she wasn't going to question him.

If only he'd talk to me…seriously talk to me and tell me about everything. She mused. Well, at least he did confide in me somewhat tonight.

Truth was Bobby wasn't use to talking to people about his problems. He had always been on his own with very few serious girlfriends. It just never seemed to work in the end. After the Army, once he settled into the narcotics division, he realized how much time work took away from his life. He didn't mind it though, but it was killer on relationships. Twenty-seven arrests and Twenty-seven convictions wasn't something you could do in an eight hour work day and it took a toll on not just his love life, but his entire social life as well. After narcotics, he transferred to major case which he took a full commitment to as well. Since major case, he can't truly remember the last serious relationship he'd been in. Contrary to popular belief, Bobby wasn't the man everyone in the office thought he was. Sure, he was smooth with the ladies and knew how to charm and be romantic, but he was hardly ever taken like most people thought and he certainly didn't do the whole one-nightstand like a lot of the secretaries thought he did when he was younger. Bobby had pretty much given up in that department and kept to himself. His love is the job.

Alex remembered back to the day they had come back from the hospital. She had gathered up his gun and put it away. Yes, away from him. She was protecting him from himself. She knew he would never hurt her, but she wasn't sure what sort of self-torture he was capable of or if he would try it again. She shivered at the thought. She didn't think Bobby would attempt suicide again, especially while she was here with him, but after witnessing the things that have happened in this night alone, she wasn't going to speculate nor take any chances.

Alex sighed again as she tried to fall back asleep, but then her eyes widened as she thought about something else. She tried to shake the thoughts out of her head, but she couldn't. It had been about an hour since Bobby had finally fallen back asleep, so decided to wake him from his light slumber and confront him about it. She didn't feel too guilty about it since it had already been two hours since she had taken his temperature.

"Bobby." She whispered while rubbing his soft curls in his hair. "Wake up, Bobby."

Stop touching him like that, Alex. Don't go down that road. She kept chastising herself, but in the end…she had given in…in to the temptation. Her fingers continued to roam through his salt and pepper hair until he spoke.

"Ugh." He moaned after a few moments while still half asleep. He unconsciously wrapped his arm tighter around her waist as if he were a youngster grasping onto a favorite teddy bear. It was cute Alex had to admit.

"Come on, Bobby. Wake up. I need to take your temperature and then you can go back to sleep."

Bobby began to stir in bed. Blinking several times, he tilted his head up to meet her eyes.

He looks so lost.

"Eames?"

"Yeah, Bobby, I'm here."

"I'm so tired."

"I know." She said as she ran a hand through his hair once more. "Just let me take your temperature and then you can go back to sleep."

Alex struggled to slip out from underneath the large man and expected him to grasp on to her like he did earlier. He didn't resist.

She made her way to the bathroom and gathered the thermometer and a glass of water for him. When she came back out, she froze. She figured he'd already be half asleep by the time she made her way back into the room, but it was the total opposite. Bobby was lying in bed, sprawled out on his back, eyes open, and looking at her.

He'd never taken his eyes off of her; he followed her every move since she had gotten up. At that very moment, he looked small…so scarcely small, like he was an infant sitting in the middle of a king size bed. His eyes seemed to be hazy as he continued to glance at her…like he was looking for answers that he knew would never be found.

Alex edged her way back to the bed and sat on the edge.

"Here, Bobby, open up. Afterwards, do you think you can drink some water? I don't want you to get dehydrated."

He nodded and began to sit up in bed. Once he was erect, he grabbed the thermometer from her hand and stuck it in his mouth.

Good, at least he has the strength to sit up again.

Once the timer beeped, Bobby pulled it out, looked at it, and then threw it on the nightstand next to him.

"Bobby…what did it say?" She asked astonished.

"99.0." He muttered as he began to slide half way back down and partially under the covers. Alex made a move to get up and make her way around to his nightstand when he spoke up once more. "You don't trust me?" He whispered this time and started to play with the covers. His head rested lightly on the headboard.

She paused mid-step and thought about it. She was clearly caught off guard by the question.

"I trust you, Bobby, but you better not lie to me."

"E—Eames, I…I won't." His speech was now muffled by the covers that now shelter him from the harms of the world. "Not…not to you." He admitted and tilted his head down to face his lap. "It kills me that I…that you don't trust me. Y—you use to trust me…at least I thought you did." He said unsure of himself.

She was about to sit down on the bed and explain to him her reasoning when something he said caused her to pause before she had a chance.

"You should probably…you can go now if you...if you like. Thanks for…for taking care of me." He managed to get out as he slid the rest of the way under the covers; head against the pillow again.

"Bobby, look at me." Surprisingly, he met her eyes with his without any resistance. "Why do you want me to leave? You know I'm not going to. I'm not going to leave you…"

"I…I don't. It's just…there's nothing more you can do…." He trailed off. "You…you have your own life. I…I realize that. You shouldn't have to be stuck here…with…with me." It wasn't his best argument he'd come up with but there was nothing more to say. The truth was, he really did want her here with him, but not like this. He felt pity, sorry for himself and he needed to wallow in it and he didn't want her around him when he does.

"Bobby, I'm not going to leave you—"

"Why?" He fired back quickly. "What, do you feel like you're personally responsible for me?"

"Yes." She stated. "Bobby…" She sighed and sat on the edge of the bed next to him. "Bobby, I almost lost you." She whispered and swallowed hard. She was fighting back the tears now and he could tell. "I can't and won't let that happen again."

"And what if I don't want to live?" He shot back a little too easily.

Every muscle in her body tightened at his question.

"Bobby, please don't say that. Please. If you…" She exhaled. "If you continue, then I'll have no choice but to send you back to the hospital and let…"

"And what?" He interrupted.

"And let them deal with you." She finished. "I don't want that, Bobby, but I want what's best for you."

Bobby came out from underneath the covers and faced her. His soft brown eyes were mesmerized by hers and he studied her for a few moments until he finally spoke.

"Eames, do you trust me?"

She tilted her head to the side. "In which respect?"

"That's a no." He mumbled.

"Bobby, I trust you more than anyone else…it's just that, I can't trust you with yourself right now. I'm sorry, but I can't. I don't know what I'd do if I left you out of my sight and you…you decided to end your life. I'd never, never forgive myself!"

He nodded in understanding because he knew, if the roles were reversed, he'd feel the same way.

"It hurt me. It really hurt me when you…when you said that you didn't…that you don't trust me. It made me feel like I'd lost my last…my only true friend…"

"Bobby, you'll never lose me." She reassured him.

"You can't promise that…" He declared.

They both sat in silence for what seemed like hours. No one knew what else to say, but at the same time, both were afraid to say anything at all until Bobby looked back up to see Alex chewing on the bottom of her lip. He could tell she was deep in thought. He wondered what she was thinking about because she looked so far away, yet she was so close to him.

"E—Eames?"

"Yeah, Bobby?"

"What's on your mind?" He asked nervously.

Alex sighed heavily.

How am I going to ask him? This is what prompted me to wake him up in the first place; aside from having to take his temperature.

This wasn't a simple question that she was use to asking anyone, especially Goren. She knew when she'd ask him, that it would all feel like a horrible dream, but she needed to know…and she knew that she had to choose her words carefully.

Very carefully, now.

"Bobby…um, where's your backup piece?"

He knew immediately what she was getting at and it didn't seem to upset him. He just shuffled in bed a bit and stared at his hands. Then he closed his eyes tightly because he felt as if he had been slapped in the face…again. He finally realized it…he'd finally got it that all Alex Eames had done for him was in his best interest. He wasn't sure if he wanted to tell her, though. It was like his backup plan just in case. In case of what, he wasn't sure.

"Why?" He asked, clearly stalling. His eyes were still closed.

"You know why, Bobby. Please don't make me say it. I—I just worry about you and—"

"In my side drawer." He cut her off as he opened his eyes, shifting them in the direction of his nightstand. He couldn't stand the pain and fear that plagued her eyes. He couldn't do that to her; play those mind games with her. Anyone else, sure, but not to her. Not Alex Eames.

She nodded her head and attempted a small smile, and then she reached over, opened the nightstand drawer and grabbed it. When she pulled it out, she noticed that the safety was still on and somehow, she found herself slightly relieved…until he spoke.

"I thought about it." He admitted suddenly. "I've thought about it since I've been home. I held it in my hand. I just…I couldn't help it. The…the cool metal in the palm of my hand felt reassuring in a way that I'll never be able to describe—" He stopped himself when he heard her sob and to this day, he never knew what possessed him to say it.

Alex's eyes started to tear up. "Bobby…no…" Was all she managed to get out.

"Eames…Alex, look at me." And this time it was her that complied. "Do you want to know why I didn't do it? Why I didn't attempt it again. Do you want to know why?"

She looked up at him and watched as he turned more towards her. "Yes, Bobby, why? Please…please tell me."

"Because of you." He confessed as he reached for her left hand. "Knowing that you were here with me…that you are here with me…I—I…" He swallowed trying to find his words.

"It's ok, Bobby, take your time."

"Eames, knowing that you're here with me…it was a relief. It is a relief. You don't know how much and I'll never be able to truly tell you how much it means. I don't feel alone…don't feel scared when I wake up alone, because I know you're here if I need you. You…you've help me see things clearly. It's because of you that I still am alive." He paused and licked his lips. "If you would've left after we came home from the hospital…I would be dead right now. I guarantee it. Just the thought of me…of shooting myself while you're still here…" And then Bobby sobbed.

"Jesus, Bobby, why didn't you ever come to me?" She asked. This time it was Alex who reached for him and buried herself in his chest.

"I…I'm fucked up. I really am, Eames." He said as he wrapped his arms around her tiny frame. "My life is so warped that I don't know which direction I'm heading anymore. It's not your problem, though. You shouldn't have to baby-sit me. I didn't need…I don't want you to worry about it…I didn't, so I…" He stumbled on his words then and gave up trying to say anymore.

"Bobby, Jesus Christ, Bobby…please…" She grasped onto him even tighter. "Please don't attempt…Please don't leave me…"

A/N: Hope all is well with you and hope you all had a great 4th of July! Or, if they'res any Canadians out there, a great 1st of July (Smiles).

-Snyder-