A Desert of Darkness

In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial,
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
And ate of it.
I said: "Is it good, friend?"
"It is bitter - bitter," he answered;
"But I like it
Because it is bitter,
And because it is my heart."

- Stephen Crane

Prologue

Sometimes, Riku can still smell the darkness.

It isn't the same reeking shroud that clung to him during that horrible year, the lost year, he likes to think of it, or in his less charitable moments, the year spent running errands for a bandaged madman. That darkness never went away, surrounded him perpetually until he had to get used to it or go mad. And so he spent a year breathing in that scent, metallic like pain and sour like stagnant water; it wasn't strong, but it was persistent. In his bleaker moments he thought it had settled in his bones and ached beneath his eyelids...

He had never appreciated the light more than when the darkness fell away and he became himself again, not a clone of Xehanort's Heartless, and for the first time in a year the air was completely clear.

When Ansem the Wise's computer exploded, it permanently banished the darkness from Riku - well, that's what everyone believes. Sora, Kairi, the King. Who is Riku to contradict them? And there is truth in their words. After all, Riku can't create corridors of darkness anymore, can't summon his Soul Eater. He's a Keyblade Master now, a hero along with Sora, indisputably a creature of the light.

But still.

There are times. Mostly when he wakes up and it's no longer night and not yet morning, when the sky is cold and gray and night mists shroud the island, and he detects a whiff - just the faintest whiff - of the sour-metal-rotting, of darkness. He sniffs, tastes nothing but the familiar salt-laden air, thinks he must have imagined it. But it comes at other times too. When he's practice sparring with Sora, or sitting bored in class, or even when he's hanging out with Sora and Kairi at the paopu tree. It doesn't happen often, but enough to unsettle Riku, enough for him to know that it's not just his overactive imagination working up. The darkness, that reek, it has no place in the Destiny Islands, a world that has more right to life and light than any other.

So Riku knows the darkness can only come from one source. Somehow, just a little bit of it has stayed with him. He imagines it shrouding his heart like storm clouds, black and heavy and promising rains, and it makes him shiver. What should he do? He thought he defeated the darkness, drove it back - well, everyone has darkness in them, that's what Sora would say.

But don't some people have more darkness than others?

So Riku doesn't tell Sora and Kairi; he doesn't want to upset them. They're happy together, so happy, now that they've discovered the joys that only young people in love can discover - staying up late nights in each other's houses, cuddling as they watch the waves, holding hands as they walk down the street. How could Riku dare shatter their happiness? (And he tells himself he's fine with it, they deserve each other, they're good for each other, but still - )

He hides it, hides the darkness that still slumbers within him, but he knows darkness well, and he knows it's not the kind of thing that contents to stay silent, not for long.

I have always, always wanted to write a Riku/Zexion fic. A long, epic, rambling, and by-and-large canon-adhering Riku/Zexion fic. Yes, it's a weird desire, and halfway tempered by the knowledge that nobody wants to read such a fic, but still, thought I'd give it a try. I think I received the necessary burst of creative inspiration after marathoning Revolutionary Girl Utena for two days and nights - that put me in the mood to write a pretentious mindfuck story. Hell, this even has a epigraph, my favorite poem of all time, which I've always wanted to use for a KH fic because it fits so damned well. And the title itself comes from a line in "Absolute Destiny Apocalypse" from Utena.

Whether I continue this or not depends on if somebody offers to beta. I have never had a beta reader before, mostly because I've never taken any of my fanfics seriously enough to want a beta. This one is different. I want it to follow canon characterizations, to have a coherent plotline, and above all to be well-written. This is truly a labor of love, and it will hopefully be my magnum opus on this site. And I can't do it alone. Yeah, I know there's that 'Beta Readers' section, but it is incredibly confusing to navigate and the search terms are by far not narrow enough. I could complain about this site for days, but I have a feeling that would bore everyone. Including me.

Much love to anyone who chooses to review. And much more love to anyone who offers to beta.