AU: WOO, again, thanks to everyone who reviews, I do appreciate it. They keep me going. I have got to admit, I had reeeeally bad writers block here. However, a lovely bout with insomnia has lead to hopefully, a decent chapter. Enjoy!! And of course all characters owned by J.K. I also know that some of the dates I use are not cannon, but oh well. Again, I apologize for how long its been and if anyone is still reading, let me know how I did :-)! Oh, and btw, thanatopsis for those who do not know means roughly 'meditation on death', it is a poem(one of my favorites) by William Bryant, and if you never have, I suggest to read it. It seems a little heavy at first, but if you dig into it, I think it is something else(Or if not, there is always a Psalm of Life by Longfellow...a more upbeat version of thanatopsis if you ask me...but you didn't, so I will shut up now and get to the story.)
Chapter 13: Memory 3-My Thanatopsis
It was such a lovely night. Not quite yet a full moon. I gaze out of the window my window in my office. I wondered vaguely how much longer it would be mine. I cast a glance at my blackened, withered hand. Foolishness...such foolishness. I think back...temptation...I was so tempted by the resurrection stone...temptation...what a curious thing. It so easily makes one forget...makes one lose themselves, their thoughts, takes away all conscience thought...makes one focus on one thing, forgetting all else. How often I had been tempted in my long life. First by power, by a man...and then...by love. I've always known how powerful love is...I learned it from my mother and through my life. Love was more powerful than any magic. Love could save even the most damaged soul, it can make a person cast their life willingly in danger without any thought of personal safety...all because of love.
However, can also be the biggest temptation. It makes you forget yourself, forget others...a double edged sword. Oh how I had learned the hard way...so painful...how much I had lost...
I let out a sigh...I am tired. I have not slept well in the last few weeks. I am a mix of emotions. True, soon I will slumber...and not wake up. This did not bug me in the slightest. Death was simply another adventure in which all of us get to enjoy. No, rather, I look forward to it. It would be a relief almost to not have to be always the man with the answers...always the man everyone looked to. I have been granted the privilege of being wiser then the average man...I was lucky...but the responsibility of always knowing...It was hard. To know everything is not always as great as people believe. To know what pain awaits people all people, especially people I love and care about. Harry...poor Harry...he has experienced so much and it will only get harder. The Horcruxes he would have to pursue, the probable deaths of those he cared about...how I wish I did not know. But I do. I have to be the person of answers.
One thing I will miss is seeing Harry finally be able to rest. To defeat Voldemort, to have this horrible weight lifted, forever, from his shoulders. Or would I? I look at my pocket watch...fifteen till eleven. As I make my way out of my office onto the grounds of the castle, I let my mind vaguely wounder...what did happen after death? What would my soul do or go? I let my mind wonder briefly. I do not know for sure, but I think and I hope I will be able to apologize to Ariana, to my Mother and my Father. Then I could wait, as my friends and loved ones joined me. Finally able to tell them everything, to stop having to keep secrets from them, to tell Harry why I have placed so much on him...and how he is like the son I never had...
As I stand just outside the gate of Hogwarts, the school almost invisible in the darkness, I bring my wand out and thinkLumos, the tip of the wand burst into light as I study my watch...I have time...and thinking of my destination, I feel the expected and the rather unpleasant feeling of being squeezed from all sides. Almost 100 years of experience apparating did not make it any more pleasant.
The outline of a small church with a kissing gate greeted my eyes. Slowly and almost completely silent, I walk, my blue robes whipping a little in the light breeze. I make my way through the rows of grave stones. My eyes are almost magnetically drawn to where I know the Peverall brother lies. With a small stab of grief I continue until I get to my destination. Again, I think Lumos and I can see the words: Kendra Dumbledore 16 March 183823 June 1899 And Her Daughter Ariana 23 November 188519 August 1899 Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.
I stare at the words...curious how pain and guilt can last so long. While other emotions slip away, these two have been my constant companion. I kneel down before the headstone. I can feel solitary tear slip from my eye into my beard. I let my pointer finger on my left hand trace the words..."I am sorry, Mother...sorry I let you down...sorry I destroyed what you gave your life for...forgive me..." I continue to stare for a moment, but just for a moment. I must be getting on...Harry is waiting for me.
I stand up and without a glance back I walk out of the cemetery and with a small pop, disappear and almost instantly reappear on Privet Drive. I look at my watch...10:59...I look out at Number 4, where Harry is. With faint wondering, I wonder if he is already at the door, packed, ready to go from his prison, or, if he is sitting there...wondering if I will come. As my pocket watch tinkles, I pull out my deluminator and with several small pops, the lights go out around me. Replacing it in my pocket and make my way to the door. Stopping only a millisecond to notice how well the flowers have come along since my last visit, I ring the doorbell. I have to suppress a smile as I hear a loud voice ring, "Who the blazes is calling at this time of night!" I can't help but let a little grin appear...I think I'm going to rather enjoy myself tonight.