"That was a disaster." I declared. It's funny when people state the obvious.
Lion was wringing his tail in his paws when he said in a quiet voice, "I didn't mean to hit him –"
"Shut up!"
"Do you think the Witch knew that man?" asked Dorothy, wide eyed as ever and I shrugged.
"Well the Witch is a huge public enemy." I replied. "Like it wouldn't be surprising if someone was out to get her – I mean the whole of Oz is just waiting for her to die or something. It's like Osama Bin Laden."
"Who's Osama Bin Laden?"
Oh you are kidding me. "Who's Osama Bin Laden?" I repeated in utter disbelief. I sort of get not knowing about Face book and touch screens but this was ridiculous! "He's like the most famous…..you know that 9/11 thing?"
Dorothy stared at me blankly through the mirror.
"Like when terrorists bombed the twin towers…"
"Oh." said Dorothy slowly. "… okay."
I could see a clearing and continued to drive, anxious to be out of this wrecked forest. Then like a rainbow emerging from a storm, we came across a huge field of red flowers – poppies I think. There were rolling hills of poppies literally as far as the eye could see, stretching from east to west…which is actually kind of ironic come to think of it.
It was a spectacular sight although the Emerald City actually looked like any other city with a mass of tall, boxy buildings of varying heights and widths, towering over a green gate that reminded me of the Great Wall of China. Except everything was green.
"There's the Emerald City!" exclaimed Dorothy with a childish enthusiasm and I resisted the urge to say Duh. "Oh we're almost there at last!"
"You know I wonder if there was like a commuter's bus or something we could have taken." I said half jokingly. Why do these things always occur to me afterwards? I mean none of this would have happened if I thought of sooner!
"Oh it's beautiful! It's just like I knew it would be." continued Dorothy. She's like that double rainbow guy. "He really must be a Wonderful Wizard to live in a place like that!"
"Actually, Hitler lived in a mansion."
Luckily my car had four wheel drive and we drove across the field of poppies. I was kind of fun driving off the road, it gives a sense of liberty.
"Is there anywhere to park?" I asked Scarecrow. Actually he hardly qualified as a Scarecrow anymore with that outfit besides the hat.
"I think you can park anywhere." he replied and so I stopped the car by the side of the green gate, not bothering with parallel parking. We all stepped out, stretching our legs to rid of that heavy feeling before walking up to what looked like a counter with a rolled down cover. I pulled down the old fashioned bell and gave it gave an impressive, echoing gong sound.
The counter cover was slid up by a little rat of a man dressed in a green version of those London soldiers with the fur hats.
"Who rang that bell?" he asked and I was shocked to find his speech accented. It sounded German or maybe Russian?
"Uh that was me." I said plainly which earned me a disapproving look from the guard. But after all that's happened, I really don't give a shit.
"Well can't you read?" exclaimed the doorman.
"Yeah." But not German.
"Then read the sign!"
"I would if there was a sign."
"What - well its right…" he trailed off when realized he was pointing at green wall with a nail sticking out. He tusked and went behind the counter to retrieve a piece of green cardboard before hanging it on the wall. He slid the cover shut.
The sign read: Glocke aus der Reihenfolge. Bitte klopfen Sie.
And underneath:
Bell out of order. Please knock.
"Fucking unbelievable." I muttered and furiously pounded on the metallic cover. The moron opened it, completely changing his demur to a more professionally friendly look.
"Well that's more like it!" he said approvingly when he saw my scowling face. "Now state your business!"
"We'd like to go in – actually would it be possible to book an appointment or something with Glinda?"
"But I thought we were going to see the Wizard." said Dorothy.
"Yeah but Glinda was suppose to set that up and I don't know if she did. Plus I have a few things to discuss." I turned back to the doorman. "So…"
"What business does a child have with Lady Glinda?" he asked, suddenly suspicious.
"I'm the kid that landed on the Witch of the East or whatever the bitch's name was. I have her shoes." He looked down and nearly fell when he saw those blasted Ruby Slippers.
"Oh so she is!" he exclaimed happily. "Well bust my buttons, why didn't you say so in the first place-"
"Kay, are you going to let us in or not?" I snapped then stopped, internally cringing. "Uh sorry, it's been a long trip – I…sorry."
"No worries…come in." and he clicked a button under the counter. The opening of the doors was quite grand. It was a pair of double doors as tall as the gate that slid inwards with a sort of rumbling noise. I nodded curtly at the doorman who beamed back at me as we stepped into the Emerald City. It sort of reminded me of that time I went to Ottawa for a school trip, the excitement of a new city, the reformatting of familiar tall buildings, allies, parks and roads….
A horse driven carriage appeared from around the corner and I almost couldn't believe it when the pot bellied driver said:
"Cabby, cabby! Just one you're looking for!" he looked down at me, grinning. "Take you any place in the City we does!"
"Uh wow, great." I stuttered. If it wasn't for that doorman, I'd say the service was almost Japanese. "Could you take us to see Glinda?"
"Glinda?" he said quizzically. "Why would you need to see Glinda?"
"Cause she was going to set me up with the Wizard and I don't know if she did. Also the shoes she gave me don't friggin come off."
"Oh…." he seemed taken aback. "Sure but first I'll take to a place where you folks can tidy up a bit."
"Great – wait, for how much?"
"Why on the house of course! Anything for the great saviours!"
I paused, waiting for a catch but then Dorothy said, "Oh thank you so much! We've been gone such a long time and we feel so messy."
Christ the girl is naïve. Or perhaps just a child.
We clambered into the back seat of the cab, miraculously fitting a Lion, two grown men as well as Dorothy and myself. And the rat dog, Dodo or something. As I sank back into the green cushions, I suddenly realized how tired I was although it didn't surprise me. After all, I was the only person who knew how to drive…somewhat and I had just gone from Munchkinland to the centre of Oz! The rest of the crew were chatting away like school girls, gazing and pointing in awe at the green version of downtown Ottawa, the numerous shops, cafés, fast food joints and the wonder of glass paned co-operate buildings. The Emerald City seemed to be sort of a German speaking multicultural centre. There were four foot tall Munchkin business men and women, dressed in conservative white shirts and blazers with messenger bags slung across their torsos, a mass of pale skinned, giggling college kids, a middle aged Quadling busker, strumming a guitar like instrument and belting a jazzy tune. There were groups of youthful cockney Animals in cotton and demin clothing, wearing their caps cocked to the side, grumbling and grinning jauntily at human passerbys, leaping in front of them and holding out their caps for change.
And young men with army hair cuts and green uniforms, marching the streets, chatting in German.
"Hey Scarecrow?" I asked. "What language do people speak here?"
"Gillikin."
We came to a stop by what looked to be a hotel. It was a modern, tall, rectangular shaped building with an exterior made up entirely of green stained glass and black marble. On the roof was a logo with an illuminated green diamond and the words EMERALD TOWERS placed across in black. Guess the place isn't Gillikin owned. We got out of the carriage, walked up the wide steps to the revolving doors (except Lion who had to use the automatic) and up to the counter where we checked in.
A youngish bellboy with an overly wide grin led us to our suite, walking stiffly in his starched, green tailcoat uniform.
It was kind of ironic that everything Oz's capital city was green of all colours. The Witch would have made a great career here! She could have a spokesperson.
"Hier ist Ihr Zimmer. said the bellboy then caught himself. "Here – is – your…your voom." and he opened the door. I was quite taken aback at the extravagance of the place – it was basically a loft apartment. In front of the door was a living space with a green plush carpet, a black L shaped couch facing a gas fireplace and a set of wide, winding, carpeted stairs that seemed to spring up from the floor like a vine, leading to the upper levels. But what was most impressive was that an entire side of wall was made of fibre glass, allowing a stunning view of the city below.
"Your vooms are upstairs." continued the bellboy. "You may…..send your cloths to be washing before….before to be meeting Lady Glinda." he nodded curtly and marched out the door without even stopping for a tip! Or are tips not a thing in Oz?
"Why isn't this grand!" said Tinman, looking around. I wonder if it's possible for him to use an elevator. I mean he must weigh over 300 pounds!
"Let's see upstairs!" exclaimed Dorothy with that wide eyed look of excitement. Tinman and Lion followed her as she bounded up the spiral stairs while Scarecrow went and stood by the window, his hands in his jeans pockets and his head bowed as he gazed below.
I walked up and stood beside him, curious. He's always so sullen, this guy.
"You been around Oz much?" I asked after a moment of silence.
"The Wizard is bloody tyrant!" he spat as if the words had a bad taste in his mouth and I felt myself flinch at his tone. Then before I could reply, he turned sharply and headed upstairs, leaving me standing there in shocked wonder.
…..
I was given a call in the morning, telling me to go to Emerald Palace and have myself escorted to Glinda's office.
So I got directions from the front desk and walked headed out the door, eager to see more of the City. It honestly was like any other city I've been to, minus the language with people rushing here and there, hobos sitting near subway entrances and the noise of automobiles trudging along the road. Except when I looked on the map, it labelled a red light district.
I got to the gate of the Emerald Palace that was shaped like a green, Muslim temple with domed roofs and spikes protruding from every surface. I went up to a booth at the side of the gate and introduced myself. The guard clicked a button and the double doors slid inwards to reveal a courtyard with another guard standing by who waved at me to come over.
He escorted me through the palace, up an endless, winding staircase, through the green marble corridors and finally to a door. He knocked and the door was swept open as if it were automatic.
I walked into Glinda's office, taken aback at the grandeur of it all. It looked like a living room with green carpet, a couch, a fireplace some, black, granite shelves and an L shaped desk made of green glass which Glinda herself was seated at, dressed surprisingly casual in a pink skirt and blazer.
"Have a seat." said Glinda formally, motioning towards a green office chair with wheels across from her. I sat down, feeling awkward and said:
"So I was wondering about the Wizard….."
"Oh yes!" exclaimed Glinda. "Yes, he'll be….willing to meet you folks, yes. I'll have some people bring you to him once he's ready."
"And you're not wearing a wire this time are you?" It was a joke I'm not sure it came out right.
"No Miss Becky I'm not. Anything else?"
"Yeah, uh I really need you to take these shoes off me." It was creepy walking around in a dead woman's shoes, especially a dead woman that I some level killed.
"Of course." she blanched at the prospect which made me uneasy. "Madame Morrible and I have personally been working on that."
"Great, great. So like…..can you take them off?"
"All in good time." she flashed me a stiff grin and I felt like banging my head on the table. I wouldn't be surprised if the Wizard himself turned out to be a retard. Or a tyrant…..
"That's uh….that not really reassuring - like this is kinda a huge thing." But really this was becoming something of a disaster. I can't live with a pair of fancy shoes on me my entire life! I'll be like one of those Chinese women with bound feet - what was Glinda thinking sticking a teenage girl with shoes that a Witch was after? And hell, these shoes are magical – I could say something and end up exploding like a land mine victim!
Once I get rid of these shoes, I never want to see them again; in fact I'll probably just give them to the Witch…..or sell them.
"But there's no need to worry." said Glinda, twirling her wand in her fingers.
"Lady Glinda, I've been worried this entire freakin trip. Like the Witch is pissed enough with me running her over and you know, these shoes are just adding to it."
"Right but by taking them off, you lose protection –"
"Bullshit, I almost got mowed over by a Lion!"
"Alright, alright I understand but we're doing all we can at the moment."
"You people are unbelievable sometimes, you know that?"
"Yes."
I stopped short and blinked for a moment. Did she actually just say that? Glinda looked back at me, that bubbly, wide eyed look replaced with a totally deadpan expression.
"You really are unbelievable." I said finally and Glinda sighed tiredly.
"I know. Did you want anything else?"
"Clarification was all." I replied coldly and stood, followed by Glinda who silently led me to the door.
"You'll probably be called sometime in a week or so." said Glinda as I stepped out into the hall.
"Great. – oh wait!" I suddenly remembered. "Do you know that guy, Frex?" Glinda seemed to freeze, her hand clenched around the door knob.
"He…..he was my roommate's father." she slammed the door before I could reply.
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