One of Sam's worse memories was being possessed; he remembered losing control of his own body, watching himself kill the older hunter, watching himself hurting Jo. He had hated those few weeks, hated feeling trapped and helpless inside his own body. Now he felt the same, but it wasn't a demon that possessed him, made him weak, it was cancer.

He sat at Bobby's table, pushing the food around his plate, knowing that Bobby had spent hours making it, hours trying to make it palatable, tempting Sam to eat, to gain some strength. Despite this, he just couldn't face eating, his chest hurt and he felt sick to his stomach. He gazed out of the window, wondering where Dean was, wondering if his brother had found them somewhere to live in Lawrence, hoping that he had and that he would be back soon.

000

Dean stared up at his old house and shuddered. He had only been back here once since the fire and he remembered seeing his mom here, soft and young, as she had been before the demon. He felt a sharp stab of pain as he recalled the world that the Djinn had presented to him, his mom alive, his brother happy and engaged. Sometimes he wondered if he should have stayed in that blissful world, wondering if he could have found some sort of happiness there.

He couldn't understand why Sam wanted to come here, why Sam kept referring to Lawrence as home. Sam had barely known this house, barely known the life they had had here. They had fled Lawrence before Sam had turned one year old and lived on the road ever since. Sam had no connection to this house or to this town, apart from the fact that his mom had a memorial here and his dad's dog tags were buried beneath it, lovingly planted by Sam's own hands.

Dean sighed and gazed at the address that Roy Le Grange had handed him. He wondered if he should go and seek out help today, wondered if some sort of miracle was lurking within the walls of the local spiritualist church. He bit his lip and wiped salt tears away from his eyes.

The Winchesters, he mused, very rarely benefited from miracles, but surely, Sam deserved a chance.

Sam was a good man, despite his demon blood; he was spiritual, gentle and kind. He had so much love inside him and, if anyone deserved some happiness, then Sam did.

Dean got out of the Impala and stared up into the windows of his childhood home. He guessed the family they had saved several years ago had moved on, because the house looked empty, neglected. He could see the 'To Let' sign in the window and he wondered if it were a sign, if fate was playing a trick on him.

He wondered if Missouri was still in Lawrence, wondered if he should visit her, make her aware of his presence. He guessed, knowing her as he did, that she had some idea that he was in town and he realised that it wouldn't be long before he saw her again.

Dean pushed the paper back into his pocket and took one last look at the house, head on one side, wondering if he could bear to live there again, if he could stand to step back over that threshold and really, truly, take Sam home.

000

Sam heard the roar of the engine and Bobby's dogs barking. He got out of his chair, rubbing his eyes and stretching, feeling his muscles crack. He peered out of the window, unable to keep a smile off his face when his brother got out of the Impala, grinning as he noticed Sam at the window, raising his hand in greeting.

"Hey," Dean looked tired as he entered, but he hid it well, giving Sam a hug that would have been unthinkable a few months ago but was perfectly acceptable now, "you look rested."

"Yeah – well – Bobby has been looking after me." Sam smiled, "feeding me up – you know – making sure I take my meds," he sat down on the couch and gestured that his brother join him, patting the seat next to him, so that Dean was forced to sit, "good to have you back man," he said, nudging Dean with his shoulder, "I've missed you."

"Me too," Dean leant in, letting Sam's warmth comfort him, feeling his brother there next to him, still fighting, still alive. He slung an arm around Sam's shoulder, wincing as he felt the bones poking through, once muscular, flesh. Sam felt the wince and shrugged, patting Dean's knee in a gesture of comfort.

"It's really ok, Dean," he said, softly, "I'm not in any pain really, chest is a little sore," he swallowed, hating to see the hurt and panic on his older brother's face, used to seeing strength and determination there, "did you find us somewhere?" He asked, finally, just glad to change to subject.

"Yeah, I found somewhere," Dean doesn't tell Sam he has rented out their old house, doesn't tell Sam he has three sheets of paper with names on them that might, just might, help Sam to beat this thing, doesn't tell Sam he has a gun in the boot of the Impala with two bullets, one for each of them.

Sam looks at his brother, eyes slanting, head on one side. Dean feels his face flush under Sam's scrutiny and, there it is, Sammy knows, Sammy knows.

"I'm kinda glad really," Sam's voice is soft, barely there, rough and harsh and not like Sam's voice at all, "glad that I'm not goin' on that final journey alone. Last time, last time I went into the dark it was kinda scary, there was no light, nobody coming to fetch me, nothin', not even Jess," he pauses for a moment, breath hitching, a single tear trailing down his cheek. Dean swallows down his own pain, the salt in his throat choking him. He shakes his head, but Sam lifts a long fingered hand and holds it still, staring deep into Dean's eyes. "I know what you are planning," Sam says, not giving Dean a chance to deny it, "I know what you are going to do and I'm ok with it, honest Dean, I am," Sam takes a deep breath and Dean hears, with horror, the rattle in his chest, "I don't want to leave you again," he whispers, "I just wanna ride shotgun with you – ok – just wanna ride shotgun with you for fucking ever."

Dean nods, tears prickling his lashes and stomach clenching hard. He hugs his brother closer and bends down to kiss Sam's messy hair, moaning, as he always does, about the length of it, striving for normality.

"Driver picks the music," he says, finally and Sammy laughs.