"You know I still haven't decided what I'm going to do." I said as I approached the front entrance of the Witch's castle. It had a rather forbidden look to it, with arched, heavy doors like the type used at churches, surrounded by black stone…..but then again, it was night. If it was sunny right now, it would look more like Casa Loma. Come to think of it, it probably would have been better to come here during the day.
"I'm going to be telling you what to say." replied Morrible. It was difficult to tell the tone of her voice through telecommunication. "And walk steadier; you're making the camera shake."
"Yes ma'am." I figured it would have been impossible to distinguish any hint of sarcasm. I reached out for the door knob. What if it was locked? It should be - it's night after all. Then there would be no need to chicken out if I couldn't even get in. I turned the door knob and felt my stomach sink as it rotated all the way, allowing the door to be pushed open, creaking creepily on its hinges. It was actually kind of cliché. I peered in the dim orange light produced by…..torches. Is there no electricity here? We really should have come here during the day. Oh well, too late now.
"I – I don't think I'll be of any service." declared Lion suddenly, trying to be stern. "So I'll wait outside –"
"No you're not." growled Tinman. "C'mon." He tugged Lion by the shoulder, dragging him into the foyer of the Witch's castle. It was hot and musty like a how I imagined a club in the 1920s must have been, with the smoke having nowhere to go. I felt as if I were entering a haunted house at an amusement park, my stomach in knots as I peered into shadows and at closed doors that held god knows what. I kept imagining turning a corner to find the Witch stepping out of a shadow, staring down through me, her eyes peeking just under the brim of her hat, dead like a void….
"How's the lighting?" I asked Morrible to distract myself.
"It's fine. Keep moving."
I reached up, twisting the ear bud into place. "Yeah but like where do I go?"
"That is the question of youth dearie! But you must decide."
That's completely useless! I felt like saying but decided against it. I had this underlying wariness about Morrible that made me watch what I say. It was awkward.
"Uhhhh…..kay." I looked at Scarecrow for guidance but he was gazing around the place in a trance like an impressed tourist, his hands nonchalantly in his jacket pockets as he shuffled around the area in a daze. I began to lead the way into a cobblestone corridor, our steps echoing in the enclosed space, making everyone suddenly overly aware of themselves.
There was a noise; a short bang like someone closing a door. I froze, barely daring to breathe and listened but there was nothing except a faint buzzing in my ears.
"I think it came from up ahead." whispered Dorothy, her hand wrapped around Toto's snout to prevent him from yapping. I looked down the dim corridor and saw an open space in the distance that lead to a flight of stairs and a heavy wooden door off to the side. This was it. Someone was behind that door, probably the Witch. I stared at the door, at the impossible reality that I was to go in there.
"Fellas I really don't think we should do this." said Lion, his voice barely audible.
"Is the Witch behind that door?"
"Yeah." I whispered, not moving.
"I want you confront her – no not confront her; ambush her. Remember you are the saviour about to capture the greatest criminal in Oz! Do not allow yourself to be deterred. You are doing away with the Wicked Witch –"
"I thought you just wanted her broom –"
"The Wicked Witch is not doing away with you."
I took a breath, my hand on the door knob. I figured I could open the door quietly and sort of sneak in but it might creak and defeat the purpose. The other option would be to barge in and get it over with for that moment would be the most excruciating. I decided toward the latter, glancing behind me at Scarecrow, staring ahead sullenly, Tinman wringing his hands, and Lion and Dorothy clinging to each other.
I yanked the doorknob and threw open the door, steeling myself for the wrath of the Wicked Witch of the West. I stopped short at the sight.
"What the…?" My mouth was hanging open, shocked beyond comprehension as I stood still in the doorway.
"Oh my god." breathed Morrible in disbelief.
I saw a flash of a green woman pressed against a tall man with black, spiky hair and a white tank top, his hands on the insides of her unbuttoned black shirt, leaning down to kiss her beneath the brim of her Witch hat, her arms wrapped around his neck. They flew apart with a loud shriek the moment I spoke, the man stumbling over his feet, falling backwards into a stool that clattered noisily to the ground while the Witch caught herself on the counter, hastily tugging her shirt so it covered her torso.
The Witch and I stared at each other, speechless. I wasn't sure if I wanted to scream for walking in on a potential hook up or to start laughing hysterically at the most mortified expression I've ever seen in my life.
"Uhhhhh…I….wow…." I said, my eyes wide.
My hand flew up to clutch my ear as Morrible suddenly went berserk on the other line, erupting into a series of screamed curses, causing the audio to crackle and hiss as the volume couldn't be picked up properly, stinging my ears. The Witch and the man stared at me, humiliated and confused as I stood there cringing with my hand clamped over my ear, managing to catch snippets of Morrible's rambling.
"SWEET MOTHER OF *crackle* WHAT THE F *crackle* I'M GOING TO *crackle* PUT THEM ON THE LINE!"
I blinked. "Uh – what?"
"I SAID PUT THEM ON THE LINE!"
I stuttered for a moment and gratefully took out the earpiece as the Witch and the man suddenly grew fearful like two teenagers getting caught in the act, their faces flaming in embarrassment and….oh Jesus I don't even want to think about it. I held out the ear bud.
"Er Madame Morrible wants to talk with you."
"WHAT?" they shrieked, their eyes popping out of their sockets. I wordlessly undid the careful wiring and feebly held out the device, the wires tangled over the box like receptor. The Witch raised a hand in a no thank you gesture, her arm wrapped around her stomach to keep her shirt in place.
"I can't talk to her!" she hissed, panicked as the line began to crackle.
"Ya can't or you won't?" said the man, his speech slurred. Are they drunk or something? Or…..magicked! I looked at the man, searching for signs of enchantment or intoxication, his red, grinning face and at the Witch who just looked like she wanted to die. She's going to be scarred forever by this. I suddenly heard footsteps, rapid, angry footsteps and we all turned around as the door opened to reveal a sleepy teenage boy and an old lady with purple coils in her hair.
"For Lurine's sake Fabala!" exclaimed the old lady and the Witch groaned while the boy took in the scene, his eyes wide. "Do you know what racket you're stirring up? Old women need their sleep and so do you!"
"What – who's this?" I asked to no one in particular….this was all on camera.
"I am her Nanny." declared the woman, her hands on her hips.
What the hell? I exclaimed internally, my brow raised. The Witch lives with a nanny! Are her parents next door as well? I began to register the scene within that context; the notorious Wicked Witch caught hooking up with a drunk guy, her nanny coming down stairs to scold her like a teenager in the middle of what was supposed to be a political up heave.
I looked at the Witch, her horrified face as her Nanny – her freaking Nanny made herself known. I was actually close to bursting out with laughter but held back. That would have been mean…for lack of a better term.
"Hey why doesn't….Nanny talk with Morrible?" like a parent meeting with a teacher.
"Absolutely not!" screeched the Witch, looking down on me…but considering her predicament, it really wasn't intimidating.
"Then why don't you talk with her?" I shot back fearlessly, holding up the device.
"I thought I made it clear –"
"Will all of you hush up?" exclaimed Nanny, her voice shrill. "If talking in that tick tock monstrosity is what is needed, I'll happily oblige."
I froze. I didn't think she'd go for it, I said it on a whim!
"Nanny I really don't think…." the Witch – Fabala trailed off as her Nanny made no response and plucked the device from my hands.
"Uh Miss…"
The Witch and I tried to take the device from her but she scowled at us and turned away, rolling her eyes. What if she's senile? I thought frantically. What if she starts rambling nonsense and Morrible decides to take it out on me? And Dorothy and the rest of us? And the Witch and her…friend.
I looked back at the rest of the crew, silently begging for help but Dorothy seemed too taken aback to do anything, Lion looked downright disgusted, Tinman was stifling laughter and Scarecrow….
He was gone.