Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts or any of it's original characters, I do own this story and my original character.

Author's Note: I'm sorry I barely update this story anymore, but I'm planning on finishing it, I won't abandon it. So, here's a nice, long chapter. I'm coming to the end of this story and I hope you've all enjoyed it. Here's chapter 14!

Mission 14

You have to promise to never leave.

Why?

I don't think I can stay sane without you.

Why?

Isn't it obvious?

I guess it is.

I'm sorry, I sound stupid don't I?

We both do.

No, you don't.

Anyone who's in love sounds stupid.

A dead town. No life, no real happiness. A perfect habitat to raise nobodies in. There's no one to ask about real life, real emotions. There's no one to tell you how to be human. And no one to turn to when you needed help the most. I couldn't believe I could be so useless. I was sitting here, staring at Riku and Ren'ai as they were dying and I couldn't do anything. I was absolutely and completely powerless to aid them in any form possible. I hated this weakness, despised myself. I gritted my teeth in desperate anger. How could I let this happen? How could this happen? Could life be so horrid? So hideously deformed and cruel?

I've spent most of my life cold, heartless, empty, hating Ren'ai, fearing her really because I was miserable. Do you know what's the worst about being so miserable? I was so ignorant, so lifeless, I couldn't even comprehend how horrid I really felt. My life was mostly just one battle after another, all in this godforsaken world. How crummy is that? From my point of view, I think life is unfair. But, now, I'm praying, pleading with every drop of water and blood in my body that life will just cut us some slack. I've experienced the beautiful, wonderful, amazing moments of life with Roxas, could life just let them live? For just this once, please, someone, or something save them.

It was heart-shattering to watch them just laying there. I refused to anymore, if I could do anything, I would find them help, no matter the cost. It was my fault this happened. I was born from Ren'ai, heartless and numb. But then I had to go and steal a part of her heart. The ability to truly love Roxas and care for him, came from her. The feeling of seeing him smile and admiring the subtle glint of the sun shining on his skin, came from her. But I had to snatch it away from her, pilfer her ability to care, love Riku. I had ripped her heart from her and walked away without bothering to take a second glance at her hollow, bleeding chest. I had been so consumed with my own happiness, I hadn't bothered to acknowledge her feelings. I was cruel and inhumane, just how the Organization was to me. And that was a pretty deep cut, considering I'd basically just called myself a vile, corrupt monster that had no heart, no emotions. It hurt so badly. It all hurt.

I felt as if death had flown down from the night, terribly dark sky and laid over me, enveloping every bone and muscle, ligament and cell in its deep, hard, cold, meaningless veil. The pain was a strange one. So hot it felt cold, so silent I could feel it shrieking, so terrible it was bliss. The feeling held me, lightly and tightly, against its cold, hard chest. I fully embraced the pain now, shivering as I extended my pitiful, weak arms around its mass and held it close to me, as close as it could be. It felt so much more real this way, it was so solid, more than I expected it to be. Did I imagine the sharp intake of breath from its mouth? No, it would never do that. It wasn't in its character; its personality consisted more of causing me pain and suffering. A good pain, a good suffering. It seemed millions of centuries later when it wrapped its more muscular, shaking arms around me as well. I felt so much better in the core of my sadness and so I dug my head in its cold chest, feeling the heat radiating form its chest, my own personal sun.

As time went by, years and minutes, days and seconds, I became aware of the noise all around me. I could feel my heart pounding, softly, weakly, brilliantly. It felt like a flame, one being exhausted, having all of the oxygen taken from it. I could feel the pitter-patter of cold, wet, water falling on me, on every inch of my body, soaking me to my core. You don't understand, I thought, you will never know. They can never comprehend how I kept clinging to my cold, warm chest. Its chest was the cause of all of this, yet I loved it so very much. So. Damn. Much. It loved it too deeply that it cut, so badly it stung, so frailly I cried. I can't imagine how much more it could hurt, to love this core, the core of all the sadness in the world, my world. I hated it, no, not hated it, but despised the way it captivated, held my heart in its hand. Its cold, hard hand. I wanted to break open its grasp to dive in, deep and underwater, and retrieve my heart from its reach. Just in case. Just in case it broke. I hope, wish, pray it doesn't. What if it did? What could I do then?

And then I heard crying: a little girl sobbing, such a sad voice, such a broken cry. Her sobs were choked in her chest, her tiny, high-pitched voice whined every now and then, cried out every now and then. I wanted to stroke it, hold it close to me to calm it. It sounded so pathetic, heart-shattering, so loud. My God, it was so loud. It was more of a shrieking now, screeching and screaming for its last breath, last words. It sounded painful, were they torturing it? How could they? Did they have hearts?

No.

But why would they do it? Where they human?

No.

How horrible, how horrible this all was. I clung closer to my painful core, realizing that my arms were beginning to sting in a painful, shrieking way. I wanted to let go but I couldn't, wouldn't. Why would I let go of my sun? How could I let go of my soul? It was all I had. It was all I lived for. Nothing else mattered to me, much less my life; if I had nothing else, I couldn't live, but if the core was there, the world would live on without me. But that core was part of me as much as I was part of it. So I'd live on in the world, even if I was dead. I felt like dying. My whole chest was burning too. Burning like a star, a steady, deadly star. I wanted to pull away from my core, its chest, but I refused to. The crying was louder now, more intense, more focused. I loved my core, its warmth, its control of my heart. Don't take it away! Please, I was sobbing now, shrieking, wailing, don't take my heart away.

Oh god it hurt. It hurt so badly. It all hurt.

Please help me. Please make it stop.

I looked down at Ren'ai, her shaking, feeble little form holding on to an unconscious Riku with all her might. He eyes were closed but she was sobbing now. Her voice sounded just like mine. Except mine was louder, shriller, closer, screaming, that's it. Ren'ai was only sobbing, wailing, while my voice was shrill with horror, fear, my heart felt like bursting out of my chest, my blood ran cold, I wanted to shatter everything with my voice. How could they do this to me? How dare they touch him? I'll stop them, hurt them, kill them!

"Don't touch him!" I shrieked, even hurting my own ears. He only smiled, grabbing Roxas's arm, dragging him away from me.

Traitor, Traitor, TRAITOR!

I couldn't believe he'd actually try it, he was brainless, worse, he was dead. The rain was still pelting us in waves, but my body had shut down a long time ago. I raised my arm at him and summoned hundred, thousands of black, deadly needles. He didn't even have time to react when my needles were deep in his chest; he coughed blood and fell with the momentum of my weapons. I ran to my precious Roxas and held up his head. I checked his pulse, his breathing. Good, only unconscious. I stared at the ground where silver-blue hair covered his face. I think he's dead. I think I-

My stomach heaved and fell. Zexion was on the ground, his face turned towards me, partially covered by his light hair. But I could still see the blood running down the side of his mouth; he was staring at me with those cold eyes. They were piercing and they frightened me. The guilt bubbled up as well. Before, before all of this shit happened, I thought of Zexion as a brother, as much of a brother as a nobody could have. He was the last person I expected to slither through a portal and knock Roxas unconscious while I wasn't paying attention. He was the last person I expected to betray me, looks like I was on a roll today. This was all so unfair; there was no expecting any better for me. Would my whole life be like this? Would I always be upset? Running? Hiding? Screaming? It hurt to dispose of Zexion that way; I could feel a small ache in my chest, a deep, dull ache that racked through my body. How could he betray me? I cradled Roxas, not knowing where to put him or where to take Ren'ai and Riku to help heal them. If they made it alive, I'd be so thankful.

I rushed back to Sora, where he was still healing Riku and Ren'ai but now he was looking around, frightened. "We have to take them out of the rain, into a home," I stated. He looked up, the town was far but I could create a portal for all of us. "Alright," Sora grimaced. When I looked back to Zexion, his body was going up in smoke. Then, he simply vanished into the air.

We had found an abandoned home on the outskirts, on the other side of the town from the mansion. I never wanted to go near that place again. There were exactly four white, plain beds and after we'd patched up Ren'ai and Riku's wounds, Sora had gone to sleep, leaving me with the first shift. Roxas hadn't awakened from the strike he'd received from Zexion yet, but I didn't worry, I had an undying faith in Roxas. In this one room, I glanced at the bed I sat next to, Roxas's; the bed that occupied two people against the far wall, Ren'ai and Riku; and the bed in the corner, Sora. I glanced from one to the other, from Sora's calm face to Roxas's stoic one. They looked so similar, it hurt. So similar it pained me to admit Sora was only half, while his other half, the one that righteously belonged to him, was sleeping next to me. Where did my sense of justice collide with the feelings I have for Roxas?

But could Sora live without half of himself? Would he die younger? Age quicker? Or would…Roxas die? I didn't know any of this, I didn't know anything. But I wanted to know, yet I was afraid. What if they had to unite, combine to make one whole Sora? I don't think I'd live, I couldn't bear it. Roxas was my other half. My soul, my world. I glanced out the window at the rising sun. I hadn't bothered to wake Sora for his shift, I'd let the boy sleep. Even though I didn't feel comfortable shredding my gaze from Roxas, I left the room to search the kitchen for food. We'd all need our strength. I started taking out some packaged food when I felt a hand on my shoulder blade, quickly, I turned and threw myself into him. We embraced, held each other closely. We parted slowly and I peered into his face. His face was flushed, tired, but Roxas all the same. His pale skin, spiky blonde hair, deep glittering eyes, I had missed this, missed having time to look at him. Without even thinking I pressed my mouth against his and inhaled his scent deeply. I opened my mouth to breathe and he kissed my cheek. In turn, my hand tangled into his hair and he pressed his lips to my neck. My heart tumbled, flipped, turned, fell, sky rocketed; it was beating rapidly, my blood coursing nervously through my veins. His breath was hot, he felt anxious. No, it was obvious he was anxious and I, nervous. But I didn't care, all I cared about was him. When I was out of breath, he kissed my hair and I was speechless. I didn't know what to say, what could I say? What could I say about any of this? I didn't have a plan, the Organization seemed out to get us, Ren'ai and Riku were trying to heal, Sora and Roxas were supposed to…

I'll never let that happen.

After Roxas and I ate, we went to check on them. I hoped they were alright. I checked each pulse and surely enough, they were weak but there. They'll probably survive. This lifted a weight off my chest and I stroked Ren'ai's long, blonde hair. Her sight brought a smile to my face now, which I found strange. Since when do I care for her? I used to fear her, hate her even but now…everything was different. I was different, I wasn't the girl who Xemnas had commanded to baby-sit Roxas, I was myself, not a nobody, yet I wasn't human either. So what was I?

Did it matter?

I guess not.

Then why do you care?

I'm just curious, that's all.

There are more important things to care about.

I guess you're right.

I cared more for Roxas. I didn't care how selfish, cruel, impractical or senseless that might be. He was all that resigned in my mind, my heart. He would always be my first priority, above the Organization, Ren'ai and Riku and my life. Roxas was always first, no matter what. And that would never change. We were sitting in the dining room now, the sun rising, strong, fierce, bright. The light glinted off his hair, reflected in his eyes. My breath caught in my throat, the sight was so spectacular. My chest rose with pride and swelled with a burning nervousness, I was so lucky, I could never forget that. Out of all the nobodies, the real people, the data, he chose me. I could never forget that. Roxas was the reason I was here today and he would be the reason I would live on in the future. He turned to me and smiled sweetly, and my stomach went into spasms. My face flushed and I turned to look out the window. No birds in the sky, only data-created people smiling, laughing in the early morning streets.

And that's when it came to me. We could escape. Leave this fake world, see the real one, the one with real people. It would solve all our problems, wouldn't it? No more Organization, nothing to hold us back. "Roxas," I whispered. He held my hand and I bit the side of my mouth. "How much do you know about this place?"

He frowned, "Not much." I looked down now, embarrassed to say my plan. Was it too childish? Was it possible to even escape? I felt so ignorant, I knew absolutely nothing about my so called "world". "I want to escape," I gasped, "leave this place, go into the real world, be together, all of us."

He smiled. "But we don't know how to leave, how could we? Where would we find the answers?"

I contemplated and stood up. It was time to check on the happy couple. When I entered the room, Riku was sitting up, his hand to his chest in pain. He looked at me and asked, "Wasn't it a bullet wound? Is it still inside? This hurts like hell…" I told him it has grazed his shoulder so the bullet wasn't in his body. Riku looked deathly pale and staggered; I hurried over to him to lie back down. I scolded him on the extent of his injuries but he wasn't paying attention to me, he only had eyes for Ren'ai. Ashamed, my feet turned and took me out of the room. Memories of kissing Riku had filled my mind, and I couldn't help but ask myself how I could have been that idiotic before? "Teach me to love someone?" How moronic. Now that I look back, it was all so childish on my part, and Riku, how did he even consent?! I vowed to never, ever, kiss anyone other than Roxas. It would only be him.

"Riku."

I had to get the sickening thoughts out of my head. There was no way in hell I'd let Roxas go. Even if Sora was to die, I'd selfishly hold onto Roxas with my dear life; I loved him too much to let him go. He was a part of me now, more than I ever wanted him to be.

Riku's eyes flickered to mine for a moment and then back to Ren'ai's sleeping form. I knew he was listening. "Do you know anything about this world?" I asked. "How to get out to the real world?" I stood rigidly, staring him down until he decided to answer me. In a weak, harsh voice he croaked: "Yes. I know the place that would transport us to the real world."

So he did know! This was wonderful! Easily, we could just sneak in, all of us, and transport ourselves out and we would be free. Finally, the muscles in my back relaxed, the tension released, and then I noticed how sore they were. All of the feelings bottled up, fears finally took off into flight, far away from me. I felt alive, whole, human. I smiled at Riku but his face was rigid and grim. His jaw was tight.

"But–"

"But what? Spit it out."

I didn't mean to sound so harsh; maybe I could have been a little less rude.

"But," he hushed through clenched teeth, "the way out, our way out, is in the mansion. Deep in the mansion. Surely Xemnas won't let us in and out. He wants to keep us here," Riku glanced at Roxas, and I swear my fist automatically readied itself, "he wants Roxas."

So? I don't give a rat's ass if he wants Roxas, he'll never have him. And if Riku thought I'd bargain Roxas for our safe passage, well he'd better think of another plan before I knocked his teeth out. I felt pain and shame for Roxas, everyone always made it seem as if he was the problem, but it wasn't. Deep in my chest, I felt cruel for thinking this, a boiling inhumane emotion ran through my body. I dreaded this feeling, this ultimate, unparalleled guilt. But I wasn't sorry for thinking it or feeling it. I had every right to.

All of this came down to Sora, the Keyblade master. The stupid, overrated, Keyblade master. All of this was his fault, the Nobodies wanted to use Sora and gather hearts, because of that, they wanted to unite Roxas and Sora. Which wasn't going to happen. If it wasn't for Sora, Roxas wouldn't be in danger, if it wasn't for Sora–

Roxas wouldn't exist.

A shudder went through my body, thinking of what I would become if Roxas didn't exist anymore. Would he suddenly vanish? Would he die like a normal human? Like a nobody? How did nobodies die? I thought back to Zexion, his hair, his cold, hard face. He had never really smiled, in his whole entire life, I had never seen him laugh. I wonder how he would look like if he had, would it look strange or beautiful? I'm so sorry Zexion, I took away your opportunity to feel the emotions I've felt. I took you away. I felt my head pounding, my stomach clenching, and my mouth filled with saliva. I ran into the bathroom, my chin trembling with nausea. Then I heaved.

I felt as if I had killed my own brother.

And it felt horrible, terrible, I cried with disgrace, I cried, I can't believe I cried.

Everything's black, my eyelids are closed, but I don't dare to open them.

"Kirai? Are you alright?"

No, I'm not. I feel guilty, I feel horrible, please make it go away. I only want to stay with you Roxas, and leave everyone else behind. Please make my wish come true.

"I'm fine." My voice sounded worse than I thought.

"Are you sure? What happened? Was it because of…"

Don't say it.

"I'm fine, really."

In reality, Roxas, I had a deep secret, a secret so bad, so horrible, I'd never tell you outloud. Well, no, that's a lie. Maybe I will tell you later, but I'm afraid you'll think I was heartless. Which, I guess I am, in a way, but I don't want you to hate me and leave me. I've been thinking about it for a little while, and sure everyone is okay and I don't hate them anymore or anything but:

I want to leave them and just escape, you and I, all alone.

Let's leave them behind, and make our own path to the real world, where we can live together in happiness.

I'm not being too selfish, am I?