Disclaimer: I don't own Sesshomaru. I wish I could adopt him though.
Summary: [AU After Kagome loses her cat Buyo, she searches for a new pet to replace him. She soon finds and adopts a free dog in the Adopt A Dog services, not realizing the trouble he will cause. Now a full story series!
Oh my heavenly gosh! Sorry for the wait. I hope it was worth it though smile. I also made it a little longer than usual to make up for the wait. Enjoy! Reviews are lovely!
Adopt A Sesshomaru – Chapter 6
By Imperfectly-Yours
The phone screamed throughout the house, barely heard underneath all the racket from the kitchen – timers going off, microwaves dinging, smoke alarms shrieking, ovens closing, babies crying, ducks quacking, elephants roaring –
Kagome had woken up early that morning, and with Sesshomaru no where in sight, decided to bake a thing or two.
Attempted to bake, that is.
She had the beginning of another cookie batch already begun, was frying some homemade donuts on the stove, and had a cake and two cookie batches in the oven. There was piles of flour on the counter and floor, dishes filling her sink, sugar and sprinkles on her kitchen table, syrup on the handles of the ovens, doorknobs, and packages, and batter on the living room window, though she had no idea why and how it got there.
Kagome looked up after hearing the second ring of the phone. She put down the egg shell she had gruesomely cracked open, and forgetting to wipe off her hands, picked up the phone.
"Hello?" She yelled above the smoke alarm that had gone off for the fifth time in a row.
"Hi, Kagome?" Kagome recognized the voice to be of her good friend Shaniqua-Pong, whose was neither black nor Asian but for some reason was given that name by her Indian family.
"Oh, hi Shaniqua-Pong. Can I call you back in a little bit?" Kagome asked, feeling as though her ears were about split open and make some sort of horrible mess on the carpet.
"Sure. It does sound like someone is dying over there. Is that an ambulance siren I hear?" Her friend replied.
"Close to it. Later Shan."
"Bye."
Kagome heaved her chest in an exaggerated way like she was giving birth, and hung up the phone – or at least, began to. As soon as she lifted her arm to pull away the phone, she discovered something was terribly wrong. The phone wouldn't budge from in-between her ear and shoulder. She pulled at it again, and felt the fabric on her t-shirt rip above the shoulder. But then, she discovered that even though the phone wasn't stuck to her shoulder, it was now dangling in her hair. She yanked it, but to no avail. All she could feel was her poor scalp begging for mercy.
Rushing to the bathroom mirror, she then saw that the syrup and sugar and whatever else was on the phone was causing it to stick to her hair. Pulling it again, she realized she had only one choice – she would have to chop off her head to get the phone out of her hair.
Thinking that over for a moment, she realized she didn't have to chop off her head, but only the parts where the hair was stuck. Grabbing the scissors from a drawer, she pulled the phone in front of her so that the portion of where it was stuck was straight. Then, feeling like she had no other choice, she grudgingly closed her eyes, and snipped.
She then felt a warm sensation on the side of her head, and when she put her hand to her ear and pulled her hand back, she saw a thick red substance on her hands.
"Oh no! I'm leaking tomato juice!" She screamed, and then saw her ear in the sink, and fainted on the floor….
(Just kidding, just kidding. Below is how it's supposed to be.)
Opening her eyes, she saw a piece of her long, black hair in the sink. But something else was wrong – the phone was still in her hair. She completely missed! Mentally slapping her forehead, she decided just to cut all her hair short, after all it grew back fast. After a few moments of snipping, her hair was above shoulder length, and she had the phone in her hands.
After hanging up the phone, she then rushed to the kitchen, knowing that probably her cookies were nothing but burnt crumbs and her cake was nothing more than a little black round thing.
After reaching into the oven, she almost jumped up and burned her arms when she heard a familiar voice from the hallway.
"Nice hair, Kagome." Sesshomaru snickered.
Kagome gritted her teeth.
"Thank you, I decided to cut it short." She replied, pretending not to be fazed by his criticism.
"Oh, yeah, short everywhere except in the back." He snickered lowly again.
After putting the cookie tray on the counter, she reached back to feel that there was still a long strand of her hair running down her back. Blushing slightly, she pretended to ignore him and focused on the cookies she just got out of the oven.
"Oh, and nice cookies too. I don't want any of those in my lunch box though." Kagome grimaced as they both peered down at her cookies, which looked like little aliens in fetal positions on her tray. One even was mumbling "Help me."
"What in the world did you put in those, anyways?" He asked, sniffing the air as she scraped them in the trash. She looked at the front of her recipe book.
"No wonder they didn't turn out right." She mumbled to herself after realizing she had followed a recipe from "How to Cook Your Own Alien Race!" She also trashed the book, instead looking back to where the donuts were. At least they, besides the fact that instead of having a circle in the middle they had various star shapes, squares, and triangles, looked normal and edible. She stuffed them in a bag and put them in the refrigerator.
Finally, she picked up the mixing bowl she had almost forgotten about and began mixing the eggs and flour once more, this time with a vengeance.
She decided to present the situation at hand as delicately and non-accusing as she could. (Though at first she figured that meant screaming at the top of her lungs at him for being such a first-class butthole.)
"The most peculiar thing happened last night, Sesshomaru." Kagome announced, starting to beat the poor eggs and flour in the mixing bowl extremely hard. They were victims to her anger.
"Oh really? Did another adoption of a dog turn out horribly wrong?" He asked, clasping his hands together in a false shocked, sarcastic way.
Kagome glared at him for a moment, and then went back to her mixing.
"No." She paused for a second to roll her eyes. "I went outside after hearing a very long dog or wolf call, I'm not sure. But when I went out there, the howling stopped, so I went back inside. That very same night, almost an hour later, that same howl woke me up after I fell into a needed sleep. Can you believe it?" Kagome looked up once more, to see what his response was.
"Hmm. Quite interesting indeed." Sesshomaru nodded, looking around vaguely.
"You know, I wasn't aware that any lone wolves lived in my one foot by one foot back yard, certainly not any invisible ones, or even ones that live in trees." Kagome hissed, but continued to keep her cool.
"It could be the squirrels." Sesshomaru suggested, shrugging.
"You know, that's what I thought, until I found this in one of the branches of the tree." She exclaimed, holding up a piece of white hair that seemed to appear in her hand out of nowhere.
Sesshomaru, however, did not look taken back, or look anything for that matter. She discovered that he, once again, had put a mask over his face so that she couldn't tell what he was thinking or feeling. She sighed.
"Sesshomaru, can you please take off that horrible mask? You know it bugs the heck out of me." Kagome said, her voice almost bored.
"Oh yeah, sorry." He replied, and pulled off his clown mask, and hid it somewhere behind him.
"Anyways." Kagome replied, looking uncomfortable.
"Yes, anyways…"
There was a moment of silence. It happened every time he took off his mask. But Sesshomaru continued not long after.
"Wow. I can't believe you actually have evidence they exist! This is a moment to be put into the history books." Sesshomaru exclaimed. Kagome furrowed her brows.
"What are you talking about?" Kagome asked, looking at him strangely.
"Well, of course you have heard the myths." He moved closer to her.
"The myths of what?" She asked, annoyed.
"The myths," he moved even closer to her, and then whispered in her ear, "of the black-eared … albino squirrels of … Schlitzenheimershingler–dur."
Before Kagome could figure out what he had said, he had already escaped to another part of the house. She almost chased after him with her mixing bowl, but she remembered she had a phone call to make. Grumbling about how she had let him escape an almost inevitable situation, she picked the phone out of its cradle, put down the mixing bowl she had no interest to mix with any longer, and pressed the redial button with a cool slickness that only existed in her mind.
"Hello?" She could hear Shaniqua-Pong's voice from the other end.
"Hey Shan, its Kagome. What's up?"
"Oh right. Listen, you know the boy I have been talking about lately, my 'item of interest?"" She questioned, suddenly talking very low.
"No." Kagome stated bluntly. She didn't talk to Shaniqua-Pong much.
"Oh. Well I've had my eye on a guy for quite some time. Yesterday, I finally had the guts to ask him out. The trouble is, he says the only way he can go is if it's a double date. At least, that's what his parents said. But don't worry, we won't be partying all night or anything. His parents set a 10 o'clock curfew for him on Saturdays. So, I was wondering if you could do me a big favor and come, bringing a guy with you of course." She explained.
Kagome looked perplexed. "Uh, Shan, how old is this guy exactly? I told you already – find someone your age!" She switched the phone to her other ear uncomfortably, remembering how a year ago Shaniqua-Pong went out with some guy that was way younger than her.
"22, of course." Shaniqua replied with an air of snootiness. Kagome sighed in relief. She didn't want to be a part of another police investigation.
"Huh. Well, you see, I don't have the looks today to go. I mean, I had to cut my hair short due to a phone incident, and its pretty messed up." Kagome made up a fast excuse.
"That's terrible!"
"And I don't exactly have anyone to bring with me –" She stopped herself, an evil grin spreading all the way across her face.
"Never mind. I have someone to bring, in fact, were engaged. So I guess I will come. It's a good time to escape this boring ol' house!" She suppressed an evil cackle in the back of her throat.
"Great! How 'bout you meet us at The Poisoned Tuna at 8 PM tonight? We already have reservations. It's a great sushi bar." Shaniqua questioned.
"Sure thing. We'll be there at 8 sharp." Kagome assured her friend, and then hung up.
She peered up at the clock hanging above her couch. It was only noon. That meant she had all day to tell Sesshomaru exactly what was happening that night. Naturally, she would wait till they had to go to tell him, so he wouldn't be able to back out. Yes, it would be a wonderful, wonderful night.
The clocked beeped 6 PM. Kagome hummed a cheery tune to herself as she put on a sleek black dress and brushed her hair that had grown down to shoulder length since she had first cut it. After tying it in a black bow, she called Sesshomaru, who was busy watching a program on TV.
Soon, he was standing in her doorway.
"What?" He grumbled.
"Well, I've decided that we would go out tonight with a friend of mine. So put on this suit, and we'll go from there." Kagome said curtly, handing him the suit and proceeding towards the door.
"Wait a minute. I'm not going anywhere tonight." He responded, his claws beginning to stab into the suit she threw in his hands.
"I knew you would say that. Well, lets just say, I know the number to the kennel I got you from, and I'm sure you don't want to go back there again." Kagome replied, folding her arms against her chest.
His eyes turned to slits.
"I hate you." He replied, and shut the door in her face.
Kagome began humming another cheery tune as she skipped away, appearing as if she was picking daises in a field full of butterflies and fairies, not walking down the hall in her dinky apartment.
Kagome waited a few moments, touching up her hair, before Sesshomaru had called her (more like yelled).
"KAGOME! GET OVER HERE YOU LITTLE WORM!" Kagome suppressed a laugh.
"Yes, darling?" She pushed open his door and peeked around the side. He was standing in front of the mirror, observing himself. He looked very chic with his dark suit and platinum hair. But… he also looked like a girl. A girl named Butch. That was half penguin.
"I am in NO way obligated to wear such an ATROSITY." He yelled.
"What do you mean? You look very stylish!" Kagome tried to keep a straight face.
"What I look like IS A GIRL!" He began storming around the room, and Kagome winced as his hand soared through the air, almost demolishing her porcelain horse collection.
"Wait, wait! Come here a moment, ill fix ya up." Kagome attempted to soothe him.
"That is THE last thing I want!" He continued to storm around.
"No, no! I'm serious!" Kagome winced again as one of her Furby's went spiraling to the floor.
"Not Princess Sprinkled Cupcake!" Kagome said lowly as she saw her poor Furby lying facedown on the floor. She growled to herself as she faced him. She would, in NO way, have him destroy such a private and important collection of Furby dolls, especially not her favorite one.
"SESSHOMARU!" She bellowed. At the exact moment his hand froze, which was skimming the top of a very large stack of coloring books.
She sighed in relief as his hand went back to his side.
"Stop throwing a temper tantrum. You're acting like a five year old. Come here and I promise I'll make you look less like a girl." She said softly to cover up her silent laughing as she thought 'If that's even possible…'
He glared at her a moment.
"Fine."
"Good, now come here and let me work my magic."
After 15 minutes of "STOP PULLING MY HAIR, WENCH," and "YOU BRUSH LIKE A MANIAC," Kagome had managed to put his hair in a high ponytail, just before he broke the brush in a million pieces, claiming that it, just like the shower head, was a demon in disguise. Afterwards, she looked in her closet and under her bed, not finding the desired item she needed. Dashing to her computer, she saw what she was looking for.
"Well, I don't know how happy he will be about this. But it looks like I don't have much of a choice." She picked it up, and held it behind her back as she re-entered her room.
"Come here." She ordered, and Sesshomaru eyed the broken brush on the floor quickly before turning around.
Kagome placed the hat on his head, pulling the pony-tail through the opening in the back. Sesshomaru stepped towards the mirror, but Kagome pulled him back quickly.
"No time, we have to go." Sesshomaru grumbled at this, but followed her anyways.
Kagome silently breathed in relief as she picked up her coat and turned off the apartment lights. Sesshomaru would not be a happy penguin if he saw his hat said in big, bold letters "I LIKE BOYS AND BIG FLUFFY CATS."
It was a car ride from hell for Kagome. Not only was Sesshomaru constantly reaching towards the mirror in the car (Kagome had to convince him it was another demon in disguise), but she noticed another thing that would be impossible to cover up. He was wearing lavender makeup. At first she wanted to yell at him to take it off, but she had a feeling it was something more.
"Sesshomaru, when did you get tattoos?" Kagome asked sincerely, trying not make it obvious that she was in a deadlock stare at his "eye shadow."
"They are markings, Kagome, you little-minded parasitic flea." Sesshomaru lashed back at her seriously.
"Markings? What guy gets pink markings above his eyes?" Kagome questioned, keep a steady gaze on the wheel.
"Why should I be complaining? Humans get ugly moles and freckles and wrinkles." He responded.
"At least they aren't pink."
Kagome giggled at his scowl all the way to the restaurant.
"And this is Ed Ible." Shaniqua-Pong announced brightly. At first Kagome was just outright stunned by his appearance (he looked like a platypus with a bad nose job, but even then that is insulting to platypuses) but then she realized his last name was no joke, and wondered how in the world Shaniqua-Pong managed to pronounce it without catching a major case of the giggles. What kind of parents were his?
But Kagome, being the kind girl she was, kept her thoughts inside her brain and shook his hand brightly, almost gagging when she felt a slimy mystery substance on his as they shook.
"Nice to meet you. I'm Kagome Higurashi, and this is Sesshomaru … Higurashi." She stumbled along her words for a second. Sesshomaru extended out his hand, his facial expression resembling someone who was digging through a full food garbage disposal as he shook both Ed's and Shaniqua-Pong's hands.
Kagome couldn't help but notice Shaniqua-Pong's and Ed's eyes darting up to Sesshomaru's hat and then darting back down. But they didn't say anything. Luckily.
"Say, Kagome, wasn't Higurashi your last name before you got married?" Shaniqua-Pong asked as they walked up to a booth to get seats.
Kagome inwardly rolled her eyes at her friend's curiosity and could only picture her strangling Shaniqua-Pong and then cackling like a maniac in her mind.
"Uh, yes. Its actually a funny coincidence. Sesshomaru has, or had, the same last name as me…but don't worry, he's not my cousin." She let out a nervous laugh.
Everyone just looked at her strangely, including Sesshomaru, and some old lady sitting nearby she had never seen before in her life.
"Or my uncle, or father, or grandfather, or brother, or second-cousin, or nephew, or son." She added on.
It seemed at that moment, the whole restaurant went quiet. Even the two obnoxious teenage girls who were talking at a ridiculous speed ever since they first entered the restaurant were silent.
"What?!" Kagome said accusingly. People gave her one last glance before returning to their meals. Kagome could feel the gossip about her.
"Your tables are this way." A hostess said suddenly, breaking the awkward silence between the small party of four.
Kagome looked up as they reached their table, noticing a large sign above it saying "This Way." Taking a seat closest to the window (in case A) Sesshomaru became angry B) the conversation became too weird or C) the food was bad) and politely thanked the hostess for the menu.
The waitress came to them a second later.
"Hi, my name is Name. Can I start you guys out with something to drink?" She asked, and Kagome couldn't help but notice she looked exactly like their hostess.
"Sure, and I believe we're ready to order too." Shaniqua-Pong replied, looking at Kagome to make sure. Kagome stupidly nodded, even though she hadn't even opened up her menu yet.
"Ed and I will both have the number 10005, part a, leave off section 2b and don't forget the sequins." Shaniqua-Pong stated, handing her menu back.
Kagome looked dumbfounded as the waitress turned to her.
"And you, ma'am?" Name asked.
"Uh, yes, my husband and I will have the number two." Kagome said, smiling sweetly as she hissed the word 'husband.'
As soon as the waiter was no longer in earshot, Sesshomaru whispered harshly in Kagome's ear.
"I don't want the number two!" He exclaimed, imagining in his mind a steaming hot number 2 on a plate, complete with parsley as decoration, before him.
"Too bad. You could've spoken up, but I doubt they had any raw squirrel on rice." Kagome hissed back. In the distant corner of her eye, Kagome could see him give her a nasty look.
"Kagome, do you come here often? I've never seen anyone order something without looking at the menu when I come here with friends." Shaniqua-Pong took a sip of her water.
"Oh, yeah, sure. I come here every Tuesday and Thursday." Kagome fibbed.
"What a coincidence, I come here there too on those days!"
"Gosh, really?" Kagome faked a bug-eyed look.
"I never see you here on those days." Shaniqua-Pong was on to her…
"Well I come at weird times, sometimes it's around 3 P.M, sometimes 6. It varies every week."
Shaniqua-Pong inhaled dramatically. "Me too!" This time Kagome didn't fake a bug-eyed look.
"Did I say P.M.? I meant A.M.!" She said to shake Shaniqua-Pong off her tail.
"Well in that case, how is it never get to see you? We're here at practically the same time!" She questioned, looking more thrilled about this than humanly possible.
"Heh…big restaurant?" Kagome was at the end of her rope. She looked around, noticing how the restaurant was a small sushi bar and she could clearly see the faces of the people that were across the room.
"Imagination, you have failed me yet again." She mumbled.
"Oh don't be silly. It's weird how we haven't seen each other, but no matter. We should definitely get together sometime when we spot each other next. You should probably bring Sesshomaru too, because Ed will be here with me next. Speaking of Ed…" Kagome could sense a long, boring conversation ahead.
"Whoops, I dropped my fork." Kagome announced suddenly, picking up her fork and dropping it to the ground. She made it fake gasping noise, but it seemed Shaniqua-Pong paid no attention and continued to talk, this time about her beloved Ed Ible.
"His mother's name was Hydroxyethylcellulose, and his father was Poindexter. Both were well-off and enjoyed –"
Kagome ducked under the table once more, only to resurface a few seconds later, seeing that Shaniqua-Pong was still rambling on about something, and Ed was asleep on the table. She ducked, wondering where the heck her fork was.
" –eating sponges every night. Of course the meowing started later, and too many of the eaten-sponges eventually-"
She peered above the table once more, her hand feeling nothing but cold, gross Sushi-restaurant floor instead of her fork. Her fork had disappeared, but for a reason not known. It wasn't as if her fork could sprout legs and walk away.
(Yet, with everything that had been happening lately, Kagome could just picture in her mind a fork with silver legs running away from the table, cackling lowly and mumbling about how he was finally free...)
"-turned on all the lights in the house. They were determined to find the ghastly thing before it terrorized-"
Up and down she went again.
"his pajama drawer. And that was the end of that."
Kagome sat up finally, fork in hand, brushing the hair off her face.
"Sorry, found the fork!" she exclaimed, and then had a puzzled look on her face when she recalled what she had heard.
"That's good, Kagome. Can you believe what happened in the story? I never knew these things occurred!" Shaniqua-Pong exclaimed, the water from her spoon flying everywhere as she thrust her hand in the air.
"Neither did I." Kagome meant what she said, but she was sure Shaniqua-Pong was talking about something completely different.
(A/N: If you didn't understand that part, I'm really sorry to confuse you. What happened was Kagome kept ducking underneath the table and then coming back up, so she only heard part of the story that was being told.)
Kagome looked around. Ed was busy snoring, and Sesshomaru was wearing yet another mask, probably bored out of his mind.
Kagome growled lowly and swiped his panda mask off his face, putting it in her bag.
And then Shaniqua-Pong did something Kagome couldn't believe.
"That's, um, an interesting choice of make-up, Sesshomaru." Shaniqua-Pong looked at him oddly, trying to hide her confusion.
Kagome could hear his low rumbling growl. She had to make up an excuse, and quick, before their meal table was thrown in the air and turned upside down.
"Well you see, he's a feminist. I know, I know. It's odd for a man to be a feminist – but actually at one point he wanted to be a girl permanently. You know, a little gender confused. He went on a lot of shows – Oprah, Dr. Phil, A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila - and as time went on, he realized he just went through a phase. But during that phase, he had worn make-up every day, dressed up in girls clothing – the usual. He got into the habit of wearing make-up, and has done it ever since. But I wouldn't talk too much about it; he's a little touchy on the subject."
"You know, I do recall seeing Dr.Phil talking with a white haired man that was gender confused." Shaniqua-Pong admitted.
"Yeah I taped the shows for him. Sometimes, he feels ashamed for what he had thought, the relationships with men that he had… but when I show him the videos, it reminds him of the tough times he went through, and that, sometimes, thinking about men is okay. Isn't it, Sesshomaru?" Kagome smiled sweetly.
Sesshomaru's face was so relaxed to the point it was strained and sort of creepy.
Shaniqua-Pong took a polite sip of their drink.
"I see." Shaniqua-Pong took a sudden interest in a leftover seed on the table.
After moments of awkward silence, Sesshomaru finally spoke up.
"Please excuse me to go destroy – I mean go to the restroom."
"Of course, dear." Kagome addressed him kindly, fidgeting with her blouse buttons, unsure if she had taken it a little far.
She knew one thing for sure -
Those, poor, poor souls in the men's restroom…
The End
After reading this, it didn't turn out as funny as I hoped. Probably because I had the funny ideas for this chapter, but its taken me months to complete this chapter...so something was probably misplaced in that time...but anyways...
ALSO, the complete story that Shaniqua-Pong was trying to tell is in my profile. If anyone cares.
Again, sorry for the wait! I had to cut it off here… but I will continue this little adventure next chapter, and how it will be for Kagome when she gets home -evil grin-.
Also, READ THIS BECAUSE IF YOU LIKE THIS STORY YOU WILL FIND IT INTERESTING!
I know for sure, I will have Kagome take Sesshomaru to the beach in the next few chapters. Also, probably in the next chapter, I will have Kagome's car break down. I'm not sure though. I NEED suggestions from you readers, on how to end this sucker. It seems like I'm just taking these two around in circles with my "WTF!" humor. Hehe. Not to mention, I think I'm disgracing the Inuyasha society by writing this story. I sort of, in a teeny tiny itty bitty way feel terrible for doing that… but this story makings me crack up because it's so full of randomness that's locked up in my body all day. Yeah.
So please send in these suggestions, whether it's in a review or an email or whatever (I already got one suggestion from a person about T.V., thank you!) the faster the suggestions get in the faster I will update.
See you soon! Maybe...hopefully...