Disclaimer: I don't own Sesshomaru. I wish I could adopt him though.
Summary: AU After Kagome loses her cat Buyo, she searches for a new pet to replace him. She soon finds and adopts a free dog in the Adopt A Dog services, not realizing the trouble he will cause. Now a full story series!
Wow…heh…long time no posting right? Well, I'm not going to remind you it's been almost a year since I last posted, cause that's sort of unnecessary, and I'm not going to say that I probably won't post the next part within the next week, because that would be foolish of me and discourage any new readers from continuing to follow along with this epic tale…
BUT what I will say is I will post as fast as humanly possible (if that's any comfort), AND what I will do is crawl back into a tiny dark corner and hope no angry readers will find me.
Oh, and enjoy. Reviews are cookies for the author. Everyone likes cookies.
Adopt A Sesshomaru – Chapter 7
By Imperfectly-Yours
Kagome had her backed turned to the men's restroom for only about a minute before she realized it was her duty as a "loving pet owner" to watch after her "faithful pooch", and also make sure that if someone was to walk out dismembered, she could escape as fast as possible.
As Kagome watched the entrance to the restroom, she pondered what would be the best exit. She was sitting next to the window, but below was pavement – not a welcoming place to fall.
Another alternative would be to get bitten by a cat, transform into Catwoman, jumping out the window to then do a series of complex flips and summersaults off a few handrails, to then land only a few feet from the elderly woman and the small girl who were currently walking along the sidewalk, hoping the ice-cream cone that the girl held so tightly in her hand would drop from fright.
She sat there, deciding that would be no good (though rather cool). She decided on just running down the hall and out the entrance.
A few moments passed and Kagome realized that though Sesshomaru was taking a rather long time in the men's potty place, no one was coming out dismembered. In fact, only one man had come out so far, though she failed to ignore his large eyes and wheezes for "help." Kagome relaxed her tense shoulders as she then saw Sesshomaru stride out of the bathroom, glad to see there was a lack of blood, body parts, or anything of that grotesque nature.
Yet, there was something terribly wrong with the picture. Horrifically wrong.
His hat was no longer in place, allowing his long white hair to cascade down his shoulders.
As he sat down at the table and muttered strangled and forced apologies that sounded like someone choking and dying, Kagome decided to drop the bomb.
"Where is your hat, darling?" She looked at him with a creepy strained smile on her face. He took one look at her face and instinctively reached below his chair and put yet another mask on his face, this time one of a yeti.
Kagome growled, swiped it off his face, and wondered where the heck he got all his masks.
Before he could answer her question, their waitress Name had come with delicious meals in hand. She placed plates in front of Ed and Shaniqua-Pong; their meals looked like a birthday cake covered in fish eyes. Kagome was slightly nervous as she looked down at her plate, but was slightly relieved when she saw it was a big brown mush of sorts – maybe mashed potatoes, onion soup, and macaroni and cheese mixed together. However, when she looked over to Sesshomaru, her relief disappeared with a poof! and a cloud of smoke. His eyebrows raised, he looked down at his meal with disgust, curiosity, and pity.
Nervous, Kagome swallowed the wad of spit that was accumulating in the back of her mouth, not realizing the intensity of its size and choking slightly while reaching for her water, which she knocked over onto her lap.
"Kagome," he suddenly addressed her rather formally, obviously oblivious to Kagome's petty troubles, "I do not want to eat a meal that looks like something that came out of a cat's rear end."
Even though Kagome was busy mopping up her dress, she could still sense a golden opportunity shining bright. That, or it was the lamp hanging above their table.
She stood up abruptly. "That's it! I will tolerate it no longer!"
Shaniqua-Pong and her husband stopped chewing and looked up at her, confused. An eyeball slipped out of Ed's mouth and he sucked it back in quickly.
"What is it, Kagome?" Shaniqua-Pong asked lowly as the restaurant became unusually quiet.
"His attitude! He's been complaining about everything the moment we stepped into this restaurant! His rudeness is not fair for anyone!" She rattled on, trying to gather her coat when she didn't bring one in the first place.
Shaniqua-Pong tried opening her mouth but Kagome interrupted her mouth opening process. "No, no, don't protest. I know you are as equally upset but polite enough not to show it. Let's go Sesshomaru, gather your things!" She yelled.
Sesshomaru, who had slipped on another mask and managed to remain impassive, stood up and followed Kagome down the hall.
Slowly, the conversations of the restaurant returned.
"Blab blab bla blab bla" could be heard from the hallway where Kagome and Sesshomaru continued their flight.
"Caution to all: Police departments are on the lookout for a tall man with long white hair. He is potentially dangerous and any sightings of him should be reported immediately to local stations. He was last seen at 'The Poisoned Tuna" sushi bar in…"
Kagome's face was nothing slight of a scowl as she turned down the radio. Broadcasts like that had been repeating on almost all stations for the past few minutes. Sesshomaru looked far from sorry.
"Are you dumb? What exactly did you do in there? You're lucky we left when we did, the police must have showed up only moments after we reached the car!" Kagome ranted, both hands and eyes off the steering wheel, narrowly missing a large sign that said 'Be a responsible driver. Keep your eyes on the road.'
Sesshomaru seemed either oblivious or ignorant of what she was saying.
"Well? Answer me!" Her voice thundered.
"I do not need to explain any of my business. The information that I will indulge in you is this: when a fly pesters a human, they take care of it. I don't see them being searched for, yet I also do not see the difference."
Kagome wanted so desperately to reach over to him and throttle him but decided the little old lady who was crossing the street was more important. She slammed on the breaks and screeched to a stop, causing the old woman to fall over from fright, grocery bag toppling her.
"Look. I'm not going to get into philosophical mumbo-jumbo about the difference of taking humans lives verses other creatures."
"You just did, by bringing it up." He said matter-of-factly, instead taking more interest in the old lady that had just gotten up and was now swinging her cane around in a threatening manner.
Kagome's eyes narrowed.
"Whatever, Sesshomaru. Someday this will all catch up to you and I will just laugh."
He looked hardly threatened. The old lady was now advancing on the car, swinging both her cane and grocery bag with strength that someone her age should not possess.
"Perhaps. But for now, I say we continue back to your house."
Kagome, who had not been paying attention, say the old lady was only a few feet from her car.
"Oh jeez." Kagome put the car in reverse just in time; the cane came crashing down into the pavement.
"Dang whippersnappers!" The old lady cursed, launching a zucchini from her groceries at the car. It landed a few feet in front, and exploded as a vegetable bomb.
"Old people these days. Hell-bent on destroying the younger generations." Kagome shook her head, peeved.
She took a U-turn and turned right onto a freeway ramp. There were many minutes of silence, until the car gave a jolt and a pathetic little grumble.
Kagome looked at her dashboard and then cursed. Her fuel tank read empty.
"You've got to be kidding me. Well, I guess I better pull over while I still can." She grumbled.
Putting on her blinkers, she pulled to the right side of the road, hearing many beeps and honks from oncoming cars.
Once she was safely to the side, she clicked open her glove compartment and grabbed her cell phone, straining to take it from the compartment.
"What are you doing?" Sesshomaru questioned.
"Uh, calling for help." Kagome replied with a duh tone in her voice, turning on her cell phone.
"Aren't they supposed to be smaller?" He asked again, this time taking a curiosity in her cell phone, which was as big as her head and looked like a radio.
"What?" She looked confused as she took out an address book from below her seat.
"And aren't those already supposed to be on that?" Sesshomaru questioned again, pointing at both the address book and the cell phone in her hand.
Kagome turned a slight shade of pink, realizing what he meant.
"Yes, I know we are in the 21st century. I know cell phones now-a-days are super tiny and have address books, music, the internet, and god knows what else. My mom gave me this one a while back in case of an emergency, mostly in the car, and it still works. Probably better than some," she paused for a moment, chewing on the inside of her lip, "But hey, I'm not the one walking around in a kimono." Kagome laughed loudly as Sesshomaru abruptly turned in his seat, facing the opposite direction.
"Oh don't be so touchy. I'm sure you'd make it tops as a model. Very fashionable." She laughed even harder as she found her friend's number, and began dialing it.
She was still snorting with laughter even as the other line was ringing.
After a few rings, her friend answered.
"Hello?" A quiet voice on the other line responded.
"Hi there, is this Melikeypie?" Kagome asked politely.
Sesshomaru couldn't help but look over quickly and give a weird face.
"Yes. Why? Who's this? What do you want from me?" The voice began to sound panicked.
"Hey, it's Kagome. No don't worry I just have a small favor to ask you." Kagome responded.
"Oh, hi K-kagome. What do you want? Do I have to go outside? Is it light out? I don't remember." Melikeypie stuttered.
"Well the thing is I just ran out of gas out on the highway and I'm not too close to a gas station. Do you think you could bring me a gallon so I could get to one and get home?"
There was a long pause on the other end.
"I d-don't know. It's been a while Kagome." The stuttering returned.
"A while since what?" Kagome's eyebrows pinched together in confusion.
"Since, you know, I've been out…" Her voice trailed off.
"You'll be fine. I really need your help Me. I really do." Kagome's voice turned pleading.
"Well, let me check."
"Ok. I'll be here." Kagome sighed in relief.
Kagome covered up the talk piece of her phone. "She's going to check if she can go or not." She whispered.
"You must not have very many acquaintances." Stated Sesshomaru suddenly.
"What are you talking about? I have many friends. And Melikeypie happens to be very dependable. I wouldn't have called her otherwise." Kagome replied in defense.
Sesshomaru grumbled.
A sheepish voice could be heard faintly from the phone.
"Oh, hello? You back?" Kagome said quickly.
"Yeah. Well I guess I can go. I did pass driver's-ed after a few attempts right? I think I have my license. I used to have it at least. How much gas do you need? Is anyone with you? Will I have to talk to anyone besides you?" The panic in her voice returned.
"Melikeypie, just relax. You'll be fine. I am on Highway 45, beach route. You'll see us on the right side of the road just as you get off the off ramp. I only need a little bit of gas, I'll pay you once you get here. Okay?"
"Okay. I'll leave right now. I'll go out the front door right now, get in the car, and drive to you."
"Don't forget the gas." Kagome reminded softly.
"Oh right, the gas…well, bye then." She hung up.
"Bye…" Kagome turned the phone off as well, and sat there with a blank stare at the dashboard.
"We're doomed, aren't we?" Sesshomaru asked, slightly growling.
"No. She should be here soon." Kagome's face was covered in skepticism.
Several minutes passed. Kagome drummed her fingers against the door, staring blankly ahead.
Finally, she spoke.
"Well, I guess the only thing to do now is sit in the back seat…take off our jackets…" she smiled widely mid-sentence, raising her eyebrows suggestively.
"And do what?" Sesshomaru's left eyebrow twitched nervously.
"…and watch 'Everybody Loves Raymond!'" Kagome exclaimed suddenly.
"And what might that be?" Sesshomaru demanded.
"Oh, just a television show. I have a TV in the back. Com'on, you'll love the show. Everybody loves it. Hence the title." Kagome explained matter-of-factly, getting out the driver's seat, opening and closing doors, and plopping herself down in the back. Sesshomaru had not moved.
"Com'on. You have to watch it. I bet you'll be in a fit of giggles in no time." Kagome pleaded with him. He responded with a growl.
"I don't 'giggle.'"
Kagome cringed, feeling the heat of his glare on her face. She patted her skin, making sure none of it had melted.
"You know what I mean." She said softly, pushing in her video cassette recording of the show into the bottom of the TV. Yes, an actual video cassette player.
Slowly, but surely, Sesshomaru slinked out of the passenger seat and relocated himself to the back of the car.
"Excellent. Now the fun begins." Kagome smiled as she looked over to him, pressing the large play button.
5 minutes later…
"I hate 'Everybody Loves Raymond!'" Sesshomaru exclaimed, flexing his claws in a threatening manner.
"What? Why?!" Kagome looked at him as if he was the weirdest looking person she had ever seen (which, he was, but just go along with the description).
"It is a torturous activity to engage in and yet again proves that the human race is petty, immoral, and weak." Sesshomaru grumbled, looking away from the TV.
"Well, sorr-ee Mr. Nevercanbepleased. I know I don't have any home videos of torturing people but this is a great show!" Kagome argued defensively.
"Not it isn't. It shows the stupidity of humanoids and how they deserve to be killed one by one."
"You're terrible!" Kagome exclaimed.
"Not as terrible as the show." Sesshomaru retorted.
"You're unbelievable." Kagome rolled down the window, staring out with angry eyes. "Maybe they should just make a show called 'Everybody Except Sesshomaru Loves Raymond' then!" She yelled.
(Little did Kagome know that at that exact moment she had shouted that out the window, an executive producer of television shows had driven by in his convertible sports car and heard her idea. Inspiration filled him as soon as he repeated the title in his head, now determined to begin working on this new show as soon as he got to his office.)
Sesshomaru didn't respond. Kagome pouted in the corner of her car, now watching 'Everybody Loves Raymond' much like a person who isn't hungry any longer but continues to eat.
There was a sharp poke. Kagome grumbled something about bumblebees and shoved the hand away. Another poke came and crashed into her skin, this time harder.
"Mmmwhat?" She asked lowly.
"Your cellular box is ringing." A deep voice replied.
At first, Kagome had no idea what the voice was talking about. Two seconds later, once the gizmos and gadgets in her head began turning, she sprang up.
"Hand it to me!" She asked furiously fast, quickly coming out of her sleepiness.
Sesshomaru lifted her cell phone from the front seat to her with ease. Forgetting the weight of it, Kagome reached out to grab it, and her entire front half of her body fell over with a loud "Oof!"
Even on the floor of her car, her hands scrambled to press the talk button before it was too late.
"Hello? Hello? Are you there?" Kagome said in rapid succession.
"Yes? Kagome? Mother? Who is this?" a quiet voice replied on the other line.
"Uh, this is Kagome. Weren't you the one who called me?" Kagome asked, realizing it was indeed Melikeypie.
"Oh, right. We'll, I think I see you. I'm going pretty fast so I'm going to slow down, pull over, walk to you, and then hand you the bottle of gas ok?" Her friend verified.
"Yes, yes. That's perfect." Kagome replied.
She looked in the rear view mirror and saw a small red car inch along the side of the road behind her at a snail's pace.
"Yes, she's definitely here." She announced quietly.
"What?" Her friends voice could be heard.
"Oh, nothing. I'll talk to you when I'll get here okay?" Kagome said quickly.
"Okay…now don't drive off or anything…bye." She hung up.
Kagome shook her head. "Sesshomaru, bask in the glory of this moment for I am about to agree with you. I do need more friends."
"Humans," he seemed to be scolding her, "Always need to be proven wrong before they admit it."
"Weird looking men with white hair," Kagome imitated his voice, "need to rub in mistakes and failures even deeper with sponges and toilet scrubbers."
Before another argument broke out, the squeaking of a pair of bad breaks could be heard from behind the car.
"She's here. Don't say or do anything-" Kagome began, but was cut off as part of the face of her friend appeared beside her window. A pale hand reached in and dropped a large bottle of gas on to her lap.
"Hi there, Melikeypie. Thanks so much for doing this for me, it means a-" Kagome was cut off yet again, as Melikeypie let out a blood chilling scream.
Kagome was so surprised that she flung her arms up, and the money she had in her hands for her friend flew everywhere.
By the time the flurry of paper bills died down, Melikeypie had already ran to her car, peeled backwards, and headed down the freeway at what seemed a 100 miles per hour.
"What did you do?" Kagome accused Sesshomaru, looking at him strangely.
"I did nothing. But judging by her sour smell and pale skin, my assumption is she worked at the facility from which you took me."
Kagome's mouth formed a perfectly round O.
"I see. So your terror has spread far and wide. You probably ate a dog right in front of her and scarred her for life." She rolled her eyes.
"Again with the petty assumptions." Sesshomaru retorted. Kagome ignored him.
"Anyways. Let's get this show on the road." Kagome said, clearing money off the driver's seat and placing the key in to start up her car.
"What show do you speak of? Surely not that horrid nightmare from earlier." Sesshomaru asked, beginning to look angry at the slightest mention of 'Everybody Loves Raymond.'
"No, you idiot. It's a figure of speech; I meant let's get going, let's get moving, we should start going home now, and any other variation of that sentence you can think of." Kagome informed him, starting to turn the key to rev up the engine. "And I don't see why you have such issues with that show. Must have made a rude joke about your mom or something." She added with a flat voice. She turned the key completely.
But the engine would not rev. And so her efforts were futile.
"What the-" Kagome began, the color in her face beginning to rise in anger.
She turned the key twice. And then three times, and then four times, saying "No!" in a loud angry way after each failed attempt. But the engine would just not start up. The car sounded pathetic, wheezing and coughing like it had a cold.
After a few minutes, she was silent. And then she turned on Sesshomaru, her eyes reduced to dangerous slits. He looked back at her, sensing the danger ahead.
"You! What did you do when I fell asleep?" She pointed a menacing accusing finger at him.
"I did nothing. While you were busy sleeping to regenerate the little energy you have, I merely sat in the car." He explained.
"Yeah right, 'merely sat there.' You were bored, weren't you? You wanted something to be blown up, didn't you? You put the engine somewhere, huh? Where did you take it? I know you're strong enough. Where did you put it, did you put it on the beach? What have you done?" Kagome rattled on, wild and strange possibilities filling her mind.
Her engine was somewhere out on the beach, she figured. Or it could be hidden in some dark corner with the rest of Sesshomaru's stolen goods and items of torture.
"You're brain must decrease in size every minute, just as I suspected. If I took the engine, you would have heard it being cut out of its container. And if I took the engine, your car wouldn't even be able to start as it did now." Sesshomaru snapped back.
Kagome's mind raced. She twitched.
"Well, then, what happened?" She raised her voice.
"Let me see. You fell asleep with that horrid show on. And if I am not mistaken, that uses energy to power itself. So for a few hours, the energy from the base of this contraption was used to allow that show to work." Sesshomaru stated simply.
Kagome's face was wiped blank. Her eyes, nose, and all facial features were wiped completely off and fell to the bottom near the break and gas pads as she realized one horrible truth:
Her car battery had died while waiting for her friend to get there.
And then she realized a truth even more horrendous, heart breaking, and terrifying:
There would be no more Everybody Loves Raymond.
And then it began to pour rain.
Oh, and her cell phone died.
Oh, and water began to leak in through the roof.
Kagome slammed her head against the steering wheel in frustration, accidently knocking herself out. It was probably for the better. For Sesshomaru at least…
Morning came to a light headed Kagome who had a crook in her neck and smelled of wet socks left in the washing machine too long.
She stumbled out of the car, determined to find a town where she could find an ATM, a payphone, and a hot cup of coffee. She failed to notice that Sesshomaru was already missing.
She walked for a good ten minutes before she reached a small town on the outskirts of the beach. It was then she realized she wasn't far at all from a gas station, but that wasn't important anymore.
She looked like a bum that had just won the lottery. Literally. She skipped and danced midair as she leapt to the ATM and then twirled down the street to where she saw the large coffee and bright green sign hanging above a building.
"Oh yes, Starbucks. My savior." She looked up the sign and instead saw it was a fake of the restaurant.
"Er, Starmucks. You are…my savior…whatever." She corrected herself, looking around to see if anyone had heard her talking to herself.
And then she pondered whether she would really be talking to herself if someone else was around, but that is beside the point.
Kagome peered through the window, using her hands as shields from the glare. The coffee shop looked far from busy, except for a few kids who sat at a lone computer in the corner, giggling at something that looked like a picture.
Curiosity tingled her insides. That, or it was her poor stomach begging for food.
She pushed the doors open and strode inside the restaurant. The aromas she smelled were surprisingly good. But she barely noticed. She kept her mind focused on the blaring computer screen, and the three adolescent males surrounding it.
She snuck closer, pretending to be looking at the menu above, but instead stole a glance at the picture.
But the picture looked too familiar for comfort.
In fact, it was not the picture that looked familiar, but what was in the picture—
There was her car upholstery. There was her steering wheel with the scratch on the left side. There was a mess of money across the dashboard and seats.
And there she was, with hair that looked like a bird nest she once found in a tree, complete with eggs and bird feathers; with a mouth wide open in an apparent snore, a dribble of spit sneaking out of the corner of her mouth; with skin that looked almost green in the light she was in.
And plastered right above her face were big red letters saying: "Who wants to look like her? STAY AWAY FROM DRUGS!"
And there this horrible picture was, on all major and popular websites, somehow within 8 hours of the picture being taken. And people were getting a kick out of it!
Oh yes, Sesshomaru was a busy boy last night. Very busy indeed.
Suddenly, Kagome was no longer in the mood for coffee. She burst out the front door of the shop and took a few angry steps before reaching the sidewalk on the opposite side of the street. And then she stopped, turned on spot, and faced the town.
"It's on! Everybody better be prepared for World War II!" Kagome shouted loudly, raising both hands in the air as if she was an enthusiastic concert attendee in a moshpit.
As evil thoughts began to breed like rabid bunnies in her mind, she was completely unaware of an elderly man behind her who was scooting along at such a slow pace it didn't even look like he was moving at all.
"Young lady, you do know there's already been a World War II?" He croaked.
Kagome was both surprised and embarrassed as she turned around to meet whoever had challenged her logic. Seeing that it was, in fact, an ancient hominid, she muttered "stupid old people" under her breath and switched the dial on her tone of voice to "sassy."
"Uh… World War II – World War III, what does it matter?" She replied, shrugging her shoulders.
"It makes all the difference you know. You could offend a lot of people who had lost someone in the Second War. You're lucky I'm a sensible person." He responded, shaking his finger at her.
Yeah, sensible alright. You probably lost your brain in the Second War. Thinking this was a slick comeback (though she didn't even say it aloud), Kagome had to refrain from snorting with laughter.
But because she grew up at a shrine and had to learn to respect ancestors, she decided she'd take a more polite route.
"Right. Do I know you?" she questioned with raised eyebrows.
But it seemed like he had either not heard her or chose to ignore her question. "And you're also lucky I'm not going on about this." He added on instead.
"Of course you aren't." Kagome's voice was heavily sarcastic.
"Well, I'm not. It was only a silly mistake on your part. It wouldn't be exactly fair if continued to drabble on about something of little importance." The old man blinked many times behind his large spectacles and licked his lips – the nasty habit of old people. He obviously was unaware that he was indeed contradicting everything he was saying.
"Good thing you aren't I guess." She inwardly rolled her eyes.
"Exactly, because if I was, I would be mentioning about how you made the initial mistake of saying World War II instead of World War III, and then denying how you made that mistake by trying to blame me of caring too much, and then continuing on in a large circle of continuation by mentioning about how you made the initial mistake of saying World War II instead of World War III, and then denying how you made that mistake by trying to blame me of caring too much, and then continuing on in a large circle of continuation by again saying…"
The sound of his voice faded as Kagome mentally tackled the old man to the ground, throttled him, and then beat him with a rubber chicken. She couldn't imagine how Sesshomaru would be as a crippled old whatever he was.
"Alright alright! Correction! World War III is about to begin!" She yelled, feeling like she was at the end of her rope.
The silent pause after what she had yelled was too long for comfort. Even the old man was quiet. Usually, a silence like this was followed by laughter, crickets, or some other loud pestilence of noise…
"Aiiieeee! Everybody, to the bomb shelter!" A women yelled suddenly, arms flailing as she ran around pointlessly in a large circle in the middle of the street.
More screams filled the streets as people covered their heads with whatever they were holding. One unfortunate person tried lifting a watermelon and ended up falling face first into the cement sidewalk.
"Run, run! Grab your sister and head home! I'll fight them off as best I can here!" Another man yelled to two twin babies in strollers, who were contently sucking on pacifiers.
"I love you! In life and death!" A woman said to the large chocolate cake she was holding, before completely smashing her face into it, bits of pastry flying everywhere.
"Save the ducks! Whatever you do, save the ducks!" was the last voice that could be heard above the many other screams. Kagome could not see where the voice was coming from, and could not imagine the sort of situation that person was in.
Kagome continued to watch the commotion of the once quiet street in disdain. She sighed loudly, the symptoms of a five-year-old-pout beginning to show on her face.
"I can never win, can I?" she mumbled to herself, not realizing the menacing dark shadow she had mistaken as the shadow of a tree earlier (though she noted it looked awfully like Sesshomaru) moved slightly.
"Nope." A voice behind her replied, as the sleek shadow came into the sunlight.
Dundundun.
(Gee, in this sort of story, I wonder who that could possibly be.)
The End
Yay! Its 3:08 in the AM and I finally finished this godforsaken chapter! Sorry if it isn't funny. I rushed it a bit.
I have the rest of the series planned out so it should be a bit easier to write and complete chapters.
Cheers