Chapter 14- The Angel From My Nightmares

That night I had fallen into an exhausted sleep. I dream about a garden, I was sitting on a swing while the same boy I had had a vision about appeared and pushed me. It was only a fleeting dream, and I had forgotten his face when I woke up from it in the middle of the night. The world is still dark outside as I try to catch my breath and calm my heart down. I get up, my knees buckling slightly, my body shaking. I pull myself together and go to the bathroom for a glass of water. The light blinds me so I keep it off. I lean my head back against the door, closing my eyes. I have to do something about these dreams. I had read that it was impossible to dream about someone you had never seen before. But that wasn't it, I knew I knew him. Just the ache in my heart confirmed it whenever I thought about it. A strange thought entered my mind, Didn't my heart ache the same way when I was anywhere near Ren. I shook my head, I was drunk on sleep. I push myself off the door and make my way out of the bathroom. It was frustrating when something was nudging you at the back of your mind, and no matter how hard you tried you couldn't reach it. Suddenly, I hear a muffled cry. I jump and look towards the door, it had come from outside. I creep to my door and open it. The corridors are pitch black but I focus on my hearing. There is silence. I'm sure I didn't hear the sound from Mr. Sakura's room, rather the opposite direction. I hear a groan, I whip my head to the direction and walk out my room towards it. I walk faster as I approach the door. Ren's door. I stand in front of it, not moving, my heart pounding, and my breath coming in gasps. I knock lightly on the door. I hear another groan, and in a panic I open the door.

'Ren,' I whisper into the darkness. I see a figure on the bed, rolling and thrashing. It must be a bad dream, I think to myself. I make my way towards the bed in a hurry. I take hold of his hand and move them out of the way as I start shaking his shoulders.

'Ren. REN,' I say, half-whispering, half- screaming, 'Wake up!'

I hear him gasp, and then he opens his eyes. His clothes cling to him because his body is caked in sweat. He moves his head around, his gaze flailing, breathing hard, still gasping.

'Shh,' I say, to calm his nerves and mine, my heart and body relax as he returns to reality, 'It's alright Zero.'

I freeze. Zero. Why did I say that? This is Ren. His eyes land on mine and they open in surprise.

'Sorry...Ren, I'm a little out of it right now. That just came out.'

His eyes are still intense on mine and I'm glad it's dark so my blush is hidden. The moonlight from outside shows Ren's features contorted, it was like he wanted to say something but couldn't. I reach my hand up and move his hair away from his forehead softly. Its damped in sweat. I move it across his forehead, he sighs and I see him relax, closing his eyes.

'Yuki,' he whispers so softly, I thought he was dreaming. Ah, my heart hurts. I move my hands away, and I see him looking at me with such sadness in his eyes, I almost reach out and embrace him. I keep myself in check however.

'You had a bad dream,' I whisper, 'It's going to be okay.'

He reaches up and takes hold of my hand. I don't move, though my heart accelerate and a blush starts forming on my face. He just holds it, not moving, as if he's content with just this. I don't move either, his touch sending tingles through my body.

'Do I know you?' I ask him suddenly. He doesn't move, maybe he fell asleep. I keep talking though. 'It's just that you seem so familiar,' I use my other hand and almost instinctively, as if it's the most natural thing in the world, start stroking his hair. He breaths out another sigh. 'I think you're the person in my dreams, I can't figure it out but I feel as if I know you. I'm not a stalker or anything,' I say, laughing through my nose, 'but I just want to know. I want to remember my past.'

I stroke his hair, though half of it is damp, the other half is soft and feel good to the touch. He's breathing deeply. I stare at his face. So familiar.

'I'm sorry your hurting Yuki, but I can't help you. You'll have to remember yourself. I wish I...I'd do anything to...I'm sorry I can't help.'

I stare at his face, he seems to be struggling and my heart goes out to him. I see him open his eyes slowly.

'I'm going to take a shower,' he says softly, almost to himself. I move away, he gives my hand a final squeeze before letting go. He gets up and walk to the bathroom, picking up a towel that hung on the shelf on the way. I stay where I am. He was right, I had to remember everything myself. But how? This whole year, day after day I was trying to figure out what had happened to me before I came here. No matter how many times I had asked Mr. Takumi, he had always said that he didn't know and had always tried to avoid the subject. I stopped bothering them about it when Mrs. Sakura told me it was annoying and it bothered them. But this whole time, living in this castle, even with so many people around me, or even alone in my bedroom, I had felt some kind of hopelessness in my heart, such a big hole that I didn't know what to do but live with it. I had felt lonely, so lonely.

I felt a hand on my cheek. I turn to see Ren standing beside me, his head in level with mine, his hair drips on its ends with water, a concerned and sad look in his eyes. I stare at him, he looks as lonely as I do.

'What wrong?'

His voice brings me back to reality. My eyes widen as I realize I have tears running down my face. I turn my head away from his scrutiny.

'Nothing,' I say, my voice cracking. His hands move my face back to his again, I keep my eyes downcast. It was embarrassing to see me like this, vulnerable and exposed. His thumbs caress my cheeks, wiping my tears. I sigh, there was no one in this world who would ever even attempt this kind of gesture with me, so why him? I look at his eyes, they stare intently into mine and before I notice anything, I find my lips moving towards his, I hear him swallow and his hand on my jaw stiffens. He sighs, fanning my face with a cool and minty smell. He moves his hands away and stands back up. I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand, embarrassed. What the hell was I just about to do?

'Are you okay?' I ask, remembering why I had come.

I look up at him and he looks away, his bangs hiding his eyes, 'Yeah, sorry for making you worry.'

I shake my head, 'No worries.'

There's an awkward silence, my face was on fire as I remember that I was about to kiss him. 'Well, I'll just go back then.'I get up and walk past him when he grabs my wrist, I turn back to him, but he lets go in an instant. Tingles run up and down my arm. I almost smile when I remember that I had done the same just a few hours ago. So I ask him what I wish he'd said.

'Do you want me to stay?' I whisper, taking a step towards him. I hear him swallow audibly. I take his hand and pull him to the bed. He follows me, I feel like a puppet master, leading my toy to do my bidding. I push him softly on the bed and he lays down, his eyes on me. I get on and climb over him and lay on his other side. I don't know why I was acting like I was. It's because I have nothing to lose and because I wanted to. I see his hands clenched and his jaw tight. I climb up and lift my head and place it on my hand, so that my face hovers over his. I bring my other hand up and start to trace the features of his face. I've seen you before. He sighs and my finger moves over his eyes and forehead, eyebrows, his nose, his cheeks, his jawbone, and finally his lips. My hands linger there, and I stare at them, his mouth slowly opens and he breaths into them. I lean forward and kiss him softly on his temple, taking him by surprise. His eyes shoot open and I move away from him. I lay back down, facing him. I take his hand and hold it.

'Good night,' I say.

I feel his eyes on my as I fall asleep.

I wake up feeling so warm and comfortable that I don't want to get up. Light now floods the room. I turn, groaning, and bring the covers to my face. Stupid light. I open my eyes to see Ren staring at me, his body turned towards me. After a few seconds of confusion, I get up. Memories of last night flood into my mind. I let out a breath and look at him, his eyes still on me, making my heart jump and convulse.

'Sleep well?' I ask, knowing that he probably didn't sleep at all by the red-rimmed eyes and the bags under them.

His eyes dropped and he turned his gaze away, shutting them. I catch a glimpse of red creeping up his cheeks before he turn away. I get off his bed and walk to the door. I open it and let myself out. I walk to my room and slip in, hoping nobody caught me doing that. Rumours spread like wildfire here. I lay on my bed and for the third time that night, fell asleep.

I stay in my room until evening trying to read a book, but find that after an hour I'm still on the second page and I don't remember what I've read. I throw the book in frustration at the door. I've been thinking about Ren this entire morning. It was frustrating how I couldn't function unless he was on my mind. I slump back into my pillow, I turn my body until I'm lying on my belly and I grab my pillow, screaming into it. After I've let it out I feel much better, and exhausted. I hear the door open and lift my face slightly to see Mary. She tells me that dinners being served. I thank her and get up, fixing myself in the bathroom and make my way to the dining hall.

Mrs. Sakura sits at the head of the table while Mr. Hugh's sits on her right. They're talking and laughing. I sit down across John, who was glaring daggers at me. Mr. Hugh tells me they were leaving the castle right after dinner. I groan, no matter how much I hated they're company; Mr. Hugh for his late night rumbles and John's nonsense and fumbling, they would leave me alone with Mrs. Sakura. She didn't beat me, but she would find every opportunity to degrade me. She looked at me with disgust, especially when she looked at my neck, where Mr. Takemura's puncture wounds lay. I would ignore her hateful gaze, because what else could I do?

I hear the door open and look up the see Ren enter. He seemed so out of place here, he was like a white sheep in a herd of black ones, there was some innocence in him that I wanted to protect from corrupt people that sat on the table. From the corner of my eyes I noticed John glareing at him as profoundly as he did to me. He came to at the chair right beside me. I blush, though I wanted him to sit somewhere else, I felt smug that he had left the chair beside Mrs. Sakura empty. Just as butterflies formed in my stomach, I heard Mrs. Sakura's voice.

'Ren, come sit by me.'

He seemed to hesitate pulling his chair, I picked at my salad, not knowing what he would do.

'Its fine,' he says, about to sit down.

'I insist,' her voice wasn't fake and sweet anymore, but hard and demanding. Ren got the idea and left the chair and went to sit beside her. A knot formed in my throat and I felt an empty yet heavy void inside me which I ignored.

I ignored them throughout the meal as they talked, Ren answering in a monotone voice, a single word answer. He didn't really eat anything just like before. Was there something wrong with his appetite? I thought to myself, worry grew inside me but I pushed it away. It wasn't my business. There was suddenly a dark expression on his face and I saw his jaw clench. I was so surprised at the change in his features that I dropped my fork, fortunately nobody noticed, John talked to Mr. Hugh who was too busy trying to catch Mrs. Sakura's attention, who was eye-raping Ren. I bent down and picked it up, I would have come right back up and continued eating but a movement made me stop. I saw Mrs. Sakura's long legs, crossed under the table, but that wasn't what stopped me, she moved the tip of her toes which were, unlike the other foot, bare of her heels, against Ren's leg. I couldn't describe the burning emotion that filled me. I was angry, more angry then I had ever been. All coherent thought was lost to me and I felt my throat clog with sheer hatred. That slut. It wasn't enough that she had Mr. Takemura, Mr. Hugh, John, several butlers, and other people to bed, but she had to have him as well. I felt tears prick my eyes and my nose tickle as I sauntered back up, straightening myself. I look towards them, the three of them still talking but Ren's eyes are on me, there are so many emotions swimming around them. I got more angry as the emotion of jealousy and envy inside me grew for a man I had met a few days ago. Who the hell are you? I demand to him with my eyes. His eyes grow pained. I've had enough. I get up the table, my chair screeching loudly, all their talk stops as they stare at me.

'I'm done, thank you for dinner,' I say through gritted teeth, before turning away and almost running out the door. I run to my room and close the door behind me. Sobs wrack my body, I feel so helpless that I fall in a heap on the floor beside my bed and lay my head on it. What were these feelings? They were so overpowering that I didn't know what to do about them. I calm down after a while and lie against the side of the bed. I've been crying a lot lately. I hear my door open, I turn to find Ren standing there. I don't move, my body is tired and I feel such a helpless lonliness that it leaves me stiff. I watch him close the door and walk towards me. My eyes are heavy, my body is numb and my mind is fuzzy. He kneels down next to me and pulls me into his arms. My eyes widen in surprise and my heart starts accelerating. Why did he do that? Why did my stomach fill with butterflies?Why did my thoughts go numb? Why did my heart react as it did?

I push his chest. I didn't know him, I tell myself, I didn't know him. He tightens his hold around me breathing hard down my neck.

'Yuki, please. Don't you remember me?'

I freeze. What did he say? I push him harder, reluctantly he lets me go. I stare into his eyes, they are pained and empty, but there is so much love there that I almost drown in them. Tears spring to my eyes again. This was all so confusing.

'What do you mean?' I ask, my voice breaking, 'Am I supposed to?'

My tears fall, I pull away from him but he grabs my wrists.

'Let me go.' I scream this time. I didn't care if anyone heard, I wanted to be left alone. I didn't want him to see me like this.

'Yuki, plea-'

'Stop saying my name. It hurts, you idiot. It hurts when you call my name. My heart can't take it. You look at me all the time, I feel your eyes on me and it hurts my heart. I don't know you, why do you have such an effect on me?'

My tears are flowing now, and I can't seem to stop them. I'm screaming but he doesn't care, he still has that pained look in his eyes. I close my eyes to him. Tears breaking free and flowing down.

'Stop crying,' he says, so softly my heart breaks.

'What am I to you?' I scream at him.

'Stop crying,' he says, snapping at me.

Before he even finished his sentence, his lips are on mine. I struggle against him, he pushes me against the bed, so my head lies back as he dominates the kiss, his head towers over me, he traps my wrists on either side of me. I lay limp as I feel the tingling in my lips and the thumping of my heart telling me that I want nothing more then to lie under this man forever. His lips mould into mine, they are gentle yet urgent as if he can't get enough, as if he's clinging. I moan against him. He kisses me harder. He pulls away slightly to let me catch my breath. Then he brings his face to mine again, this time I meet him half-way. I pushed my lips to his hungrily, he moans in the back of his throat, making me want more. His lips are so familiar, as if I've kissed them before. Suddenly I come back to reality, I didn't know him and here I was, no better than Mrs. Sakura, kissing a stranger. I pushed his chest.

'No,' I say against his lips. Immediately, I feel thin air where he was supposed to be. I look up to find that he listened to me and moved away. He's panting, his hands shake and lights play in his eyes, his face seems brighter.

'I'm not Mrs. Sakura, Ren, don't treat me like her.'

His eyes smoulder and his shoulder slump. He stares at me in a way that makes me believe that I'm the only person in this world that he loves. Then he turns away and goes to the door. He rests his hands on the knob and hesitates then turns to me.

'She could never have the effect that you have on me Yuki.'

He shuts the door, rendering me speechless.