Chika cackled with glee, "I know! Isn't it wonderful? Oh, the girl who wrote this is a genius!" The others were beginning to seriously doubt her sanity - and rightly so.

"So who's reading next?" asked Ron.

"I am, of course! After all, everyone else has had their turn."

Malfoy passed Chika the book, throwing in a hate-filled sneer for free.

"Chapter 5." Chika flipped her hair over her shoulder and began to read in an overly dramatic voice. "AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr!"

"No," said Hermione patiently, "I means you have at least a minor grasp on the basic needs for a story."

"Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache"

Harry snorted, "A headache! I've seen Dumbledore when he's absolutely furious and he's never sworn once."

"ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!" Chika looked up, grinning, "I bet she's gives herself good reviews just so she can continue writing."

Ron shrugged, "Probably."

"Load of random misplaced Xs with a 666 in the middle…and…Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted."

"Aw, c'mon…" Ron scoffed, "Dumbledore would never say that."

"I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. Ick, that'd be all sticky! Draco comforted me."

"Like hell I did!"

"When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry."

"I knew Snape'd turn up…" groaned Ron."

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice. I'd pay good money to hear Dumbledore say 'sexual intercourse'! "Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall."

"At least McGonagall isn't quite as out of character as the others," noted Hermione."

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape. And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!""

Malfoy waited for the laughter to die down before saying pointedly, "At least I'm important enough to be in this piece of filth. Where are any of you?"

Before anyone could reply, Chika chirped out, "Oh, they'll in there later, don't you worry. Anyways, Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms.""

"Of course Snape would let Malfoy off…" muttered Ron.

"Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us. "Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently."

"Why'd I care about her?"

"Because you're both stuck-up gits!" Ron replied and Harry nodded, grinning."

"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. When I came out…. Bets!"

"Voldemort was there." Harry insisted obstinately.

"Malfoy was dead on the floor," Ron rejoiced.

"I Avada Kedavra-ed her," drawled Malfoy.

"I don't know," Hermione shrugged, "There's too many variables."

"Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte."

"I hadn't even heard of that scum band until now!"

"I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed."

"Awww…" cooed Ron, mockingly.

"After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room. End of chapter!" Chika finished, throwing the book over to Hermione.

"Chapter 6," Hermione started reading, "AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows! Then there's the Xs again with the 666 in the middle."

"She really needs to get a new way to separate the Author's Notes from the story," remarked Chika.

"The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple."

"Spray-painting your hair is a really bad idea," Chika cut in, "it'll make it go all stiff and icky."

"I suppose you've tried it," Malfoy raised an eyebrow.

"No but I sometimes get regular paint in my hair when I'm working on my folio for art class."

"In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal"

"Which you can't get in the UK…" Chika hissed in a stage-whisper.

"with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood."

"Rather than green blood?" Ron chuckled.

"Well, unicorn blood is silver," reasoned Hermione,"Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top."

Everyone cheered.

""Bastard!" I shouted angrily."

"Like you're one to talk," Harry rolled his eyes.

"I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have glasses anymore"

"Oh, no…" Harry grimaced in horror.

"and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore."

"No!"

Malfoy sniggered, "Let's see how you like it now, Potter."

"He had a manly stubble on his chin."

"Don't worry, mate!" Ron said, laughing, "even when you have eyeliner going all down your face you're still 'manly'!"

But Harry just glared at him.

"He had a sexy English accent. We all have English accents!" Hermione exclaimed, shaking her head, "He looked exactly like Joel Madden."

"No, I don't…" muttered Harry.

"He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko."

"Suspiciously Specific Denial!" crowed Chika, triumphantly.

""I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice."

"Don't apologise to her, Harry!" Ron shouted.

""That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned."

"I bet that if it were some little first-year you would have jinxed them… but no, just cause it's a guy you like the look of…" Chika mumbled.

""My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled."

"I swear, I'll curse any of you who even think about calling me that," said Harry dangerously.

""Why?" I exclaimed."Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled."

"It's not that funny, mate."

""Well, I am a vampire." I confessed. Because it's really sensible telling that to the first person you come across."

Chika nodded, "Serves her right if he stakes her."

""Really?" he whimpered."

"'Whimpered', Potter? You whimper?"

"Shut it, Malfoy. Go make out Enoby."

"Quiet, you two. "Yeah." I roared."

"YEAH!" roared Chika, "I am a VAMPIRE and I just YELLED it to the WHOLE SCHOOL!" she giggled, "Enoby is a prat."

"We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me"

"And hit her on the head with a Beater's Bat," Ron interrupted.

"and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him. That's that chapter finished."