((A.N.: I've just finished reading The Strange Disappearance of SallyAnne Perks and I still have goosebumps… turned out my theory that she was an animal turned into a human and then given Polyjuice Potion to look like SPOILERSPOILER was completely ridiculous. Ah, well. Anyway, I'm updating twice today to make up for taking ages to do it before. All my reviewers are gorgeous smart funny individuals! Love, Chika. xox.))

"Harry's turn!" announced Chika.

Harry groaned as Hermione passed him the book, "Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life"

"Why does this chapter get a title," Ron asked, eyeing the book with utter distrust.

Chika shrugged, "I dunno, maybe it's especially crap."

"I thought you'd read this before?"

"I have, Hermione, but I can't remember individual chapters. It's all kind of merged into one long experience of shock and horror. I've never managed to get past Chapter Thirty, anyways. C'mon Harry!"

"AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws."

"Y'know, Chika, I reckon you're right," said Ron speculatively, "I reckon she gives herself good reviews just so she has an excuse to keep going with her sick fantasy of Hogwarts."

"Wouldn't put anything past a Muggle…" Malfoy muttered but everyone pretty much ignored him.

"n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons!"

"Like it'll make a difference!" scoffed Hermione.

"STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!"

"If she's a Satanist…" Chika began with the air of one pointing out the flaw in the plan, "Why does she say things like 'for God's sake'?"

"Because she's a prat," Harry said sensibly, "Anyway, then there's Xs with a 666 in the middle - no, wait, one of the Xs is a Z but it's still pretty much the same as always I guess - and then Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs."

"Black nail polish!" Ron snorted.

"I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?)."

"Yes," Chika grinned, "It does actually."

"I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco."

"No," said Harry firmly, "Absolutely not."

"Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…" Harry stopped and looked at Chika expectantly.

"No point in betting," she sighed, "it'll just be snogging anyway."

"We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra"

Hermione and Chika winced horribly.

"and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)"

The 'YES' yelled by all made dust fall from the rafters.

""Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm"

"Did not need to know…" Ron looked nauseous.

"when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Vampire!"

"WHAT?" shrieked Malfoy and Harry looked revolted.

"Ugh…"

"Yuck…"

"Like I'd ever…"

"We get it, you two hate each other, get on with it," Chika couldn't help but laugh a little, watching the two boys - so commonly shipped - glaring at each other with utmost loathing.

"I was so angry."

"She's not the only one…" Ron smirked slightly at Malfoy who looked like his head was going to explode.

""You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed."

"Yes! Get away from me!"

""No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded."

"'Pleaded'? You plead, Malfoy?" Harry mocked the blonde boy's previous comment - but continued reading when he saw that he'd get no reaction out of Malfoy, "But I knew too much. "No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!""

Chika hissed menacingly.

Malfoy didn't even seem to be paying the slightest attention, he seemed to be in shock. It was decided unanimously to just let him be. He'd get over it soon enough.

"I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out."

"Melodramatic bitch,"said Ron matter-of-factly.

"Ron!" Hermione chided him but she had a small smile on her face.

"Draco ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what"

"Ew."

"but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape"

"No! Snape is back!"

"Shut up, Ron."

"and some other people."

"Don't we get a mention?"

"No, we probably aren't 'goffik' enough for her," Hermione smiled.

""VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled. My name is Harry, you…"

Chika laughed, "I assume that's the chapter end then?"

"Yeah."

"Right, Ronnie's turn!"

Malfoy sniggered but was cut off by a glare from the redhead.

"Chapter 8," Ron intoned, "AN: stop flassing ok!"

"Flassing?" Malfoy looked amused.

"I don't know, maybe she means 'flashing'. Yeah, she wants people to stop displaying themselves her, it's making a feel all hot - like she has an erection, only she's a girl so she didn't get one, you sickos." Chika giggled.

"if u do den u r a prep!"

"STEREOTYPER!"

"Argh! My ears!"

"Calm down, Chika,"

"Sorry, 'Mione."

"'Mione?" asked Ron incredulously.

"Yup!"

"I'm not even going to ask…" muttered Harry. Ron nodded in agreement.

"Xs and 666," Ron read, "Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back."

"Like I'd-"

"We get it, Malfoy, you are acting like even more of a stupid git in this book than you do normally. "Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly."

"Hah, right," Chika chuckled darkly, "That's what they always say."

"My friend B'loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly. Who the hell is she? We've never heard of her before, right?"

"Not that I can remember," Harry nodded.

Ron shrugged and continued, "She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on."

"Another Enoby clone then…" sighed Hermione.

"Hermione was kidnapped when she was born."

"What have I got to do with this? Don't tell me I'm B'loody Mary!"

"Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it."

"Worst backstory ever…" Harry snickered.

"She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed."

"No, I'm not because it DIDN'T HAPPEN!"

"It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger."

"Why…? Oh, I'm not even going to bother asking."

"(Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. ) How come she can spell Slytherin right but not Gryffindor?"

"Because she's evil," Chika said decidedly.

""What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Snape demeaned angrily"

"She obviously has no idea how he speaks…" Malfoy commented.

"in his cold voice but I ignored him."

"DETENTION!" yelled Harry, making everyone jump.

""Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him."

Hermione frowned, "But if she was going out with Malfoy then wouldn't it mean that it was him who cheated on her, not Harry?"

Ron shrugged, "I've just stopped thinking."

"Like that make a change, Weasley."

"Everyone gasped. I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me."

"We've changed points of view?"

"I think so. I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony) for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker."

"Who the hell is Britney?"

"Merlin knows."

"We were just good friends now. Ugh, no. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.) My brain is dying…" whined Ron,""But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire."

"And I never was in the first place!"

""Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility"

"No." said Hermione solemnly, "Just no."

"to Draco and then I started to bust into tears. End of chapter."

"Malfoy's turn to read!"