((A.N.: Again, I'm sorry for the time between updates. I've got to send my art folio off at the end of February and, right now, it's only half done so I've been working on it every minute of my spare time so I haven't really been able to write this. It's not that I don't care! All reviewers are brilliant, by the way. Love, Chika. xox.))

Malfoy made sure to have a particularly arrogant look on his face as he took the book from Ron and but his drawl sounded a lot more nauseated as normal, "Chapter 9. AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox!"

"Which explains a lot," Chika noted.

"dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers!"

"Yeah," Chika nodded, "the guy they got to play Dumbledore in the movies does sound like he'd swear at students."

"Movies are a Muggle thing," Hermione muttered to the purebloods of the room - but mainly to Ron, as she didn't really care if Malfoy understood or not.

"besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE!"

"Because that excuses for everything," said Ron scathingly.

"and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist!"

"What?"

"Don't even bother trying to work it out, Harry," Hermione sighed.

"MCR ROX!"

Chika giggle, "Bit random, but there you go."

"Xs with a triple six in the middle," Malfoy sounded unavoidably bored, "I was so mad and sad."

"If she takes up poetry then I may have to kill myself," Ron groaned.

"I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me."

"I could," Harry grinned.

Chika smiled grimly, "Well, maybe you've forgotten who he cheated on her with."

"I'm trying not to think about it."

"I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco."

"Ew…" Chika murmured.

"Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick!"

"What!" Harry yelped.

"He didn't have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie)"

"The real Voldemort didn't have a nose either."

"and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic."

"I thought You-Kn- I mean, Voldemort would have been her idol." Ron chuckled nervously.

"It was… Voldemort!"

"No, really?" Hermione said with false concern.

""No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!" and I couldn't run away."

"I never thought I'd say this…" Harry began, "but wouldn't it be useful if Voldemort just killed her?"

"And the name of the spell is Imperius. The actual incantation is 'Imperio'." Hermione said snippily.

""Crookshanks!""

"What?" For once, Hermione looked inordinately confused.

"She meant 'Crucio'," explained Chika.

"I shouted at him. Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream."

"But… if he had Imperio on her… then how could she have done that?"

"And how could yelling 'Crookshanks' help, anyway?"

"I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped."

"Which makes absolutely no sense at all in any way, shape or form." Chika sounded supremely unconcerned.

""Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!""

"But… if she was in seventh year and so were we… then surely we wouldn't be at school… because that was the year we left?"

"Ron," sighed Hermione, "She obviously doesn't care about that. Dumbledore is still around in her story, after all."

"I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes"

"That sounds way more disturbing with Malfoy reading it, Chika snickered.

Malfoy glared at her but kept reading,"and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden."

"Arghhhh," Harry moaned, "when will she stop…"

Chika shrugged, "not for a while, anyway."

"I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up?"

"Oh, wow! No way! How come no-one ever thought of that before?" Hermione exploded in a tirade of sarcasm, "I mean, it's not as if anyone tried to tell you that! Or as if you then disregarded that statement straight away! And why are you swooning over some other guy when you're supposedly still in love with your ex - who, I admit, is a complete and utter git - and you just broke with him without even bothering to hear his side of the story and-"

"Hermione!" yelled Ron, "calm down!"

She sighed, "sorry, it's just that everyone is being so stupid."

""No, Voldemort!" I shouted back."

"And then he yelled "Avada Kedavra" and bam! Now you're dead." Chika interrupted.

"Voldemort gave me a gun."

"What?"

""No! Please!" I begged."

"Oh, come on," scoffed Chika, "you don't even know the guy. Besides, just yell "Crookshanks" again and then run off while he's screaming."

""Thou must!" he yelled."

"You know, Voldemort doesn't even speak like that."

"We know, Harry."

""If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!""

"No! Don't do it! Make him get rid of Malfoy! Refuse completely!" cheered Chika.

""How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way."

"The whole WIZARDING WORLD knows by the way you go on about it!" Ron declared.

"Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face."

"Never thought I'd see a day when I agreed with Voldemort," sighed Harry mournfully.

""I hath telekinesis.""

"Doesn't he mean Legilimency?"

"he answered cruelly. "And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!""

By now, Chika was shrieking with laughter. "I'm sorry," she choked out, "It's just… the way he talks…" she took a deep breath. "Ok, I'm ok."

"he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick."

"Bit of an anticlimax there too." Ron said wryly.

"I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods."

"Is it just me or does she seem to start every second sentence with 'suddenly'?" Harry asked. Ron nodded in agreement.

""Draco!" I said. "Hi!""

"I thought she was mad at him?"

""Hi." he said back but his face was all sad."

"Bleh."

The others looked at Chika, confused.

"What?" Ron asked carefully.

"I finally realised how exceedingly dumb this whole thing is," she muttered, "don't worry about it, keep reading."

"He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) between Joel Madden and Gerard Way."

"Shut up about Joel whatever-his-name-is already!" Ron snarled.

""Are you okay?" I asked. "No." he answered."

"Good."

""I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled."

"Yeah, we got that bit. After about three billion paragraphs of you going on about it."

""That's okay." he said all depressed"

Harry laughed, "I'd be depressed too if I was going out with her."

"and we went back into Hogwarts together making out."

"Ew. Anyways, I'm guessing that's the end of the chapter?" Chika asked.

Malfoy nodded, not looking at her.

"Alrighty then. It's my turn to read!" she grabbed the book off Malfoy and began.

"Chapter 10," Chika read in a childish sing-song voice, "AN: stup it u gay fags" she faltered here and then took a deep breath and continued, "if u donot lik ma story den fukk off!"

"Can we-"

"No, ps it turnz out b'loody mary isn't a muggle"

"Hermione never was a Muggle…" growled Ron.

"afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok!"

"That makes little to no sense at all."

"Then there's the Xs and 666 and everything and then I was really scared about Vlodemort all day."

"Vlodemort…" Harry mused.

"I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666. Crappiest band name ever. I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR."

"I'm guessing Slipknot is another band?"

"Right in one, 'Mione. The other people in the band are B'loody Mary, Vampire,"

"But I thought she had never met him before?"

"Ron, this is My Immortal. Logic is not applicable. Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo now."

"Don't even think about it," Ron muttered mutinously.

"He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.)"

"No."

"and Hargrid."

"Hagrid is in her band? I'd have thought he wasn't 'goffik' enough."

"Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren't coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s" (there's no way I'm writing that)"

"But she wrote it earlier!"

"You're using logic again … or a steak) She's written it as the meat-steak instead the wooden type, the prat. and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride. Which really isn't that depressing. Oh great, more Costume Porn. I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not."

Ron had a sudden inexplicable coughing fit that sounded strangely like "Yeah, right."

"We were singing a cover of 'Helena'"

"But she just said that they wouldn't be singing today!"

"and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears. Because she had just realised what a useless singer she was. "Ebony! Are you OK?" B'loody Mary asked in a concerted voice. I don't think that means what she thinks it does."

"I don't think most of these words mean what she thinks they do."

"True. "What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily. Wow, what a load of bitch. And then I said. "Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry!"

"Stop with the swearing," Hermione complained.

"But I don't want to kill him, because, he's really nice, You've barely met the lad! even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don't kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!" I burst into tears. I thought it said she was crying before?"

"Now you're using logic."

"Good point. Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall," Chika laughed, "I don't think she meant it to sound like that."

"You never know, maybe she thought it would sound exciting and dramatic," Harry shrugged and Malfoy snorted at these words.

"Well, she was wrong on so many levels. "Why didn't you fucking tell me!" he shouted. "How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!""

"Wow, she actually got something right for once," exclaimed Ron.

"(c is dat out of character?) Surprisingly enough, it isn't. I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Just when she was doing so well! Then he ran out crying."

"Awww…" mocked Ron.

"We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily!"

"Oh great, more out of character swearing."

"His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't cause he had a headache. How did you know? Bet your useless singing gave him a headache, anyway."

"It never said her singing was bad."

"Yeah, but I bet it was. "What have you done!" He started to cry wisely. (c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y)"

"Crying wisely. Right…"

""Ebony Draco has been found in his room. Better than to be found in Enoby's room, perving on her again. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists." YES!"

There was a great cheering and celebrating. Even by Malfoy because if he was dead in the story then he wouldn't have to make out with Enoby anymore.