((A.N.: Apparently, I'm really crappy at updating. But you guys already knew that, didn't cha? Of course, it doesn't help when FF doesn't let you into your 'My Stories' tab for TWO WHOLE WEEKS! Anyways, my brain is melting from so much studying and, on a completely unrelated note, I hate exam prelims. Reviewers, on the other hand, are fabulous brilliant gorgeous individuals who should be given all the cookies. Apart from the ones that go to me. I'm sorry that there's only one chapter, I try and do two at the weekend. I'm pretty busy at the moment. Real life and all that. Love, Chika. xox.))
Once everyone had calmed down, Chika threw the book at Hermione's head. It wasn't intentional. Really.
Fortunately, Hermione ducked and, after she had retrieved the book and sent a reprimanding look towards Chika, began reading.
"Chapter 11," she declared, "AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111"
"Bet you a Galleon that it is," Ron muttered to Harry.
The Chosen One shook his head, "no bet," he replied, grinning.
"it delz wit rly sris issus!"
Malfoy snorted in derision.
"sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid"
"It will be," Harry and Ron said together.
"brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me!" Hermione sighed, "if Raven really did help her with the spelling and such then I'd hate to see what it was like before it was edited," she glanced back at the book, "and then there's the Xs with the 666 in the middle," she cleared her throat, ""NO!" I screamed."
"YES!" cheered Chika.
"I was horrorfied! I'd be more horrified if she actually spelt something right! B'loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off"
"Don't say stuff like that to Hermione!" Ron yelled and then turned bright red as everyone stared at him.
Hermione smiled,"and I ran to my room crying myself."
"Crying … herself?" Harry looked utterly bamboozled.
"Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way."
"Right…?" Chika frowned, "why does she automatically assume everyone is lusting over her? Egotistical little bitch."
"Anyway, I started crying tears of blood"
"She should go to Madam Pomfrey about that," Ron snickered.
"and then I slit both of my wrists."
"Enough with the wrist slitting already…" Malfoy sneered.
"They got all over my clothes"
"What did?"
"The blood, presumably. so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin Park"
"I don't know if I've mentioned them before," Chika cut in,"but they're a Muggle band."
"song at full volume. Which would damage your ears, possibly permanently. I grabbed a steak"
"What? Did she suddenly need a snack?" Harry laughed.
"and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide."
"Yes! Do it!" shouted Ron.
"I was so fucking depressed!"
"Come on, get it over with!"
"I got out of the bathtub"
"Die already!"
"and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it"
"Hurry up!"
"Uhh… Ron?" Harry nudged his redheaded friend - who was currently jumping up and done in excitement - with a wary look on his face, "I don't think she's going to do it."
"Awhhh…"
"sandly."
"Oh, I do like to be beside the seaside," sung Chika, "I do like to be beside the sea, I do like to stroll upon the prom, prom pr-ARGH!" she shrieked as Malfoy stomped hard on her foot, "Damn you, blondie."
"I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings."
"Ouch," Chika muttered, thinking about the weight those things would put on her ears.
"I couldn't fucking believe it."
"Well, I can't believe you didn't DIE!" Ron growled.
"Then I looked out the window and screamed…"
"What?" Harry asked eagerly.
"Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me!"
"…what?"
"And Loopin was masticating to it!"
"No, really, what?"
Hermione shrugged, "that's what is says," she shrugged, "I've no idea why Lupin would want to eat a video tape."
Ron furrowed his brow, "where did it say that?"
"Masticate means chewing," Hermione explained.
"Oh, ok then." The group felt that, by this time, anything was accepted.
"They were sitting on their broomsticks."
"Since when could Snape ride a broom?" scoffed Ron.
""EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED!"
"But she just described the dress she had on … didn't she?"
"Yeah, she did, Ron. I think she might have just forgotten," Harry replied.
"ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!""
"They're not - because you're not naked!" cried Chika, exasperatedly.
"I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it."
"On top of her dress," added the Muggle girl.
"Suddenly Vampire ran in."
"Oh, this should be good," sniggered Malfoy.
"You can't talk, you're dead!" snapped Harry.
""Abra Kedavra!""
"What sort of killing curse is that?" Chika looked sceptical.
"he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb."
Hermione and Chika carefully avoided each others' eyes and thanked the heavens that Hogwarts didn't have sex education classed.
"I took my gun"
"Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more, say no more," intone Chika solemnly, ignoring the strange looks sent in her direction.
"and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times - even though the gun would have run out of ammunition by then - and they both started screaming"
"Probably realised how ugly she was," Ron chuckled.
"and the camera broke."
"Unlike Justin Bieber's voice!" Chika shrieked.
There was a sudden silence as all turned to stare at her.
She shrugged, "what? It's true."
"Ok then," Hermione looked rather freaked out, "Suddenly, Dumblydore"
"Who does she think she is, Madame Maxime?"
"ran in. "Ebony, it has been revealed"
"Don't want to think about that…" muttered Chika to herself.
"that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!""
"Has what?" Ron asked, frustrated.
"he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly…"
"The whole world exploded and everything went to normal?" Harry suggested hopefully.
"Hargrid ran outside on his broom"
"Since when did they make brooms big enough for Hagrid?"
"That's probably why he was running.
"Good point."
"and said everyone we need to talk. Speech marks were invented for a reason, you know. "What do you know, Hargrid? You're just a little Hogwarts student!""
"What?" The confusion in the air was almost tangible.
Chika groaned, "She's got Hagrid mixed up with Cedric Diggory."
""I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT….""
"Right?"
"Hargirid paused angrily."
"But?"
"BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!""
"…ok then." Harry shrugged.
The others looked at him incredulously.
"It makes about as much sense as everything else in here."
"Which is … none at all."
"Well… yeah."
""This cannot be." Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore's wand had shot him."
"He was shot … by a wand?"
""There must be other factors.""
"Seriously, who even speaks like that…" Ron shook his head in disbelief.
""YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!""
"Any what?"
"Factors, I guess."
"I yelled in madly."
"In madly?"
"It's what it says. Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly."
Chika snickered to herself.
"The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!""
"Surprising enough, that actually made sense," Harry remarked.
"I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood."
"Yeah, we're all very familiar with that feeling," snorted Ron.
""Why are you doing this?" Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook."
"Clook?"
"Cloak."
"Ah, right."
"And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him."
"What?"
"I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint."
"Just kill yourself already."
"Ron!"
"He's got a point, Hermione."
"Fine. "BECAUSE…BECAUSE…." Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly,"
"In the air?"
"I don't know either. waving his wand in the air. Maybe that's what she meant. But with Enoby, Merlin knows. Then swooped he in"
"What?"
"Just stop asking."
"singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent."
"Muggle band," explained Chika, wearily.
""Because you're goffic?""
"'Goffic'?"
"I know, I know. Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraid"
"Oh, I though he asked in an afraid voice because he wasn't afraid at all!" gasped Chika.
"it meant he was connected with Satan."
There was a collective sigh.
""Because I LOVE HER!""
"Right then…" Ron looked rather nauseated, "if I fall in love with her too, will you please kill me?