((A.N.: Hey, guys, guess what? No, the men in white coats haven't come to take me away yet (they're due on Monday). Anyway… I'd make some petty excuse about my updating (or lack thereof) but I think you've all got the gist of how I'm in the middle of exams and have to revise more than is probably legal. This is quite a long chapter - comparatively, anyway - so I'm just going to post in on its own and then get to my manuel scolaire français. Reviewers, as aforementioned, are pretty damn awesome. Love, Chika. xox. P.S. Happy birthday, Misery, darling! I hope Theda dies.))

"Harry, your turn."

"Alright," Harry looked apprehensive but began reading despite this, "Chapter 12. AN: stop f,aing"

"'F-aying'?"

"Eff comma ay eye enn gee."

"Right…"

"ok hargrid is a pedo What. 2 a lot of ppl in amerikan skoolz r lik dat"

"I never want to go anywhere near America then…" Ron mumbled and Chika nodded.

"I wunted 2 adres da ishu!"

"She could better address the issue by not classing everyone in her writing as either a 'prep' or a 'goff'!" Hermione said shrilly.

"how du u no snap iant kristian Because he isn't? plus hargrid isn't really in luv wif ebony"

Ron and Hermione looked hopeful at these words but Chika just sighed and Malfoy looked like he couldn't care less.

"dat was sedric ok!"

"So she really did get Hagrid mixed up with Cedric…" remarked Hermione.

Chika shrugged, "I did say she did, didn't I?"

"X with a triple 6..." Harry continued, "…and I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife that Drago had given me"

"What sort of person gives their girlfriend a knife?" Hermione looked sceptical.

Ron shrugged, "Malfoy, maybe?"

"in case anything happened to him."

"So basically he told her that if he died she should kill herself. That is quite literally one of the most ridiculously sexist things I've ever heard," Chika pulled a face.

"He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy"

"Is she a witch or not?" Ron muttered and Hermione smiled at him.

"but I knew that we must both go together."

"Oh geez, it's like Twilight all over again…"

"Twilight?"

"It's a book about a girl who's in love with a vampire who sparkles and they're dating and there's this werewolf - except he's not really a werewolf - in love with her too and… you know, on second thoughts, just forget about it."

""NO!" I THOUGHT IT WAS HAIRgrid but it was Vampire."

"What? How can you get Harry and Hagrid mixed up?" Ron snorted.

Chika rolled her eyes, "She's Enoby, she's a prat."

"He started to scream. "OMFG! Ohmafuhguh?"

"Ehh, don't worry about it."

"NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!""

"She's got you down pretty well, Potter," Malfoy sneered.

"and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites."

"Looks like you've got egg on your face!" Chika looked around hopefully, "No? Ok…"

"I stopped."

"Stopped what"

""How did u know?" Maybe because I felt it? "I saw it! How could I see it hurting? And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!""

"You can see your own forehead," Chika giggled, "Wow, that is freaky!"

""NO!" I ran up closer. "I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!""

"Even though Dumbledore specifically says in the first chapter of the first book that he can't affect - so it'd be unlikely anyone else could - and then even if he couldn't he wouldn't which implies that something bad would probably happen if somebody tried to do something to it … but whatever."

"I shouted."

"Enoby seems to do a lot of shouting," remarked Hermione.

""I do but Diabolo"

"That's me, right?"

"Yup. Congratulations, Ron, you're now more powerful than Dumbledore! And stupider - but most people are so don't feel too bad about that."

"changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation.""

"What's the point in changing its shape if you're just going to cover it up?" Hermione asked, exasperated.

"Well, you'd look pretty silly going around with a pentagram on your head," Ron pointed out.

Chika giggled, "I don't think looking silly really matters to goffs."

"he said back."

"The word 'replied' was invented for a reason!" For some reason, Hermione sounded rather vexed.

""Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the lightning bolt! Save me!"

"Oh no! He isn't quite so goffic! It's a tragedy! Please, please save him!" Chika was still giggling in that irritatingly high-pitched and manic manner of hers.

"then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco"

"I thought I was dead," Malfoy scowled, "How can anything be happening to me?"

"….Volfemort has him bondage!""

There was a ten second pause as everyone processed what Harry had just said - and then Malfoy started yelling.

"There is not bloody way that it says that! Give me that book, Potter!" Malfoy snatched the book of off Harry, took one glance and immediately dropped it again, letting out a sting of swearwords. Meanwhile, Harry, Ron and Hermione were alternating between disbelief and deep amusement while Chika tried to stop herself from choking with laughter.

Once everybody had calmed down a bit - or, in Malfoy and Chika's cases, a lot - they continued.

"Anyway I was in the school nurse's office"

"You mean the Hospital Wing?"

"now recovering from my slit wrists."

"What?" Ron looked - understandably - confused, "When did this happen?"

"She slits her wrists every five minutes anyway. I bet she was just walking along the corridor and realised, 'oh oops, I haven't slit my wrist in over half an hour!' So then she did it extra deep to make up for it! Maybe there's some sort of contract making her do it or something," Chika was giggling. Again.

"Snap"

"Crackle and Pop," murmured Chika.

"and Loopin and HAHRID were there too. They were going to St. Mango's"

"Because they've gone bananas! No? Ok…"

"after they recovered cause they were pedofiles"

"Technically they're not because, at seventeen, you're of age," Hermione threw in.

"and you can't have those fucking pervs"

"But if Hagrid is Cedric then he's only like… twenty… anyway. Which is pretty old but still."

"teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz."

Hermione sighed, "If they really are paedophiles then they shouldn't be teaching whether there are 'hot gurlz' there or not."

Dumbledore had constipated

Ron snickered but everybody else - including Chika, surprisingly enough, - kept an ridiculously straight face.

"the cideo camera they took of me naked. I put up my middle finger at them."

"Ooh, so badass!" drawled Chika.

"Anyway Hargrid came into my hospital bed"

"I thought he was being taken away to St Kiwi's or whatever she called St Mungo's," Ron frowned.

"holding a bouquet of pink roses."

"Aww… he's such a sweetie…" cooed Chika.

""Enoby I need to tell u somethnig.""

"Don't worry, we all already know about your gofficness and love for Enoby."

"he said in a v. serious"

"Serious face," Chika intoned, looking mind-wrenching sombre.

"voice, giving me the roses. "Fuck off."" I told him."

"Well, that's not very nice! And after he went to the trouble of buying you flowers too!"

""You know I fucking"

"Stop swearing," moaned Hermione.

"hate the color pink anyway,"

"How can you not like pink? It's the very essence of femininity! So pretty!" Chika exclaimed, a scarily mindless look in her face. The others tried to edge away from her a little.

"and I don't like fucked up preps like you."

"I thought he was a Satanist now?"

"I snapped. Hargrid had been mean to me before for being gottik."

"I'd be mean to someone who had ticks too. Anything to keep them away from me. Nasty little beasties! They should all be dowsed in paraffin and then have lit matches 'accidentally' dropped near them. And so should the ticks!" Chika grinned manically. The magical occupants of the room edged away a little more.

""No Enoby." Hargrid says. "Those are not roses.""

"They were described as roses about ten times - and now suddenly they're not?" Ron furrowed his brow.

Hermione hushed him, "I want to see if they turn into something goffic!"

"Make no less sense than everything else in this," Harry chuckled, "What, are they goffs too"

"They're more goffic than you! Ooh, burn!"

It was unanimous decision to ignore Chika when she started saying things like that.

"you poser prep?""

"A poser and a prep? You might as well be a Hufflepuff, you're so low!" crowed Chika.

Who then pouted when she realised that no-one was paying any attention to her.

"I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses."

"What a load of bitch!"

Chika was starting to sulk. Chikas die if people ignore them, you know, she thought viciously.

""I saved your life!" He yelled angrily. "No you didn't I replied.""

"She actually said 'I replied'?"

"I guess so. "You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton"

"She's some random Muggle celebrity type person who's, like, mega-rich or something. I don't know, I don't pay much attention to celebs," Chika shrugged.

The others acknowledge that they'd heard this and Chika grinned to herself.

"p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by Snap and Loopin." Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong)"

"Yes."

"to it he added silently."

Chika coughed importantly and everybody looked up despite themselves.

"I have a very important announcement to make," she, not surprisingly, announced, "My dear darling little sister will be joining us."

"WHAT?" yelped Malfoy and Chika grinned.

"Yes, indeedie, my blood-obsessed friend. There will be two Muggle girls in your presence. This is because today, the twenty-first of April, is my sister's fifteenth birthday and she asked me, in jest, for a ticket to Hogwarts. I told her that I couldn't do that but I would allow her to read My Immortal with the main characters of the books. Needless to say, she was overjoyed."

"Well, wouldn't you be if you could meet the person who'd been the object of your musings for about … eightish years?" This was from a small slender girl, dressed all in black and varying shades of dark blue and deep purple, who'd just skipped through the locked door - without bothering to open it first.

"I present to you the most lovely Misery Anna!" Chika giggled to herself at the expressions on the book characters' faces.

"Your name is Misery?" Hermione looked sceptical.

The girl rolled her eyes, "Marissa Anna, actually. Everyone calls me Missy and Chika insists it's short for Misery."

Chika shrugged, "Well, when you're goffic what am I supposed to think?"

"Gothic, dear, gothic. Only Enoby and her band of clones are goffic," Missy said, rather primly, sitting down on a rather chintzy chair (in this context 'chintzy' means fussy, quaint or would-be genteel) chair that definitely hadn't been there a few seconds ago.

"Close enough. Anyway, happy birthday."

"Thank you. Look what Grandmama bought me!" Missy pulled a large cage out of thin air and onto her lap. In that cage was a rather large spider.

Ron turned pale - and so did Chika.

"A spider? A flipping spider? Oh, Grandmama really has gone too far this time."

"It's hardly my fault if she isn't overly fond of you. And it isn't just any old spider, it's a tarantula! Isn't she beautiful? I'm calling her Theda," Missy poked a finger through the cage grid, smiling in an overly eerie manner. How Chika puts up with such a morbid sister is anyone's guess.

"She is not beautiful and she should be dowsed in paraffin and then have a lit match dropped near her."

Missy tutted, "Just because you're scared of spiders doesn't mean they're monsters that should die. They're quite exquisite creatures really. Anyway, you have Catullus and I didn't have any pets so it's hardly fair."

"Catullus is a sparrow. He is adorable. Theda is a spider. She is not."

"I think Theda is prettier than Catullus - and she's certainly more interesting."

"I hope she bites you and you die."

"Tarantulas aren't poisonous, Chika."

"Hmph," Chika looked sulky while Missy remained supremely poised. But only because it was her birthday. If it had been any other day Chika would have totally beaten her.

"Now, don't we have a load of useless to read?"

"Only if you put that … thing away."

"Certainly." Missy pushed the cage into disappearance, with the air of one merely posting a letter into a post-box.

Chika looked over to the Boy Who Lived, who had watched the proceedings without really being sure of whether to laugh or frown - this was similar for most people who say Chika and Missy arguing, and with a tone so sweet that it would have made Umbridge grimace and say 'Oh, that's a bit much, isn't it?' addressed him, "Harry, if you will?"

Harry picked up the book again and began again, ""Whatever!" I yelled angirly."

"Wait," Missy interrupted, "what bit are we at?"

"Hagrid just visited Enoby in the Hospital Wing with a bouquet of pink roses," Hermione told her.

"Thank you, Hermione."

"He pointed his wand"

"Hagrid's wand is broken," Ron cut in.

"Yes, but she said it was Cedric earlier." Hermione explained.

Missy pulled a face, "Cedric's dead so it still doesn't work."

"Stop trying to make sense of My Immortal, it's not going to happen," Chika grinned her manic grin.

"at the pink roses. "These aren't roses.""

"Yeah, you already said that," muttered Ron.

"He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that's all you haD TO SAY! ."

"What?"

""That's not a spell that's an MCR song." I corrected him wisely."

"So very wise!" Missy exclaimed, "You could give Dumbledore a run for his money!"

"Oh, totally," Chika agreed, "Like, she's even wiser than she is goffic!"

"Oh, damn, that's just so wise!"

"I know!"

""I know,"

"I'm psychic!" Chika exclaimed delightedly.

"So psychic," agreed Missy, amused.

"I was just warming up my vocal cordes." Then he screamed."

"What, did someone say 'Crookshanks'?"

""Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio(4 all u cool goffic mcr fans out,"

"As cool is antonymous to goffic that would be precisely … no-one." Whilst Chika's grin was manic Missy's smile was rather … disturbing. And adorable. But mostly disturbing.

"there, that is a tribute! specially for raven"

"I thought she hated Raven?"

"So did I, Ron. I love you girl!)imo noto okayo!""

"Imo not okayo? What sort of language is that?" Chika wrinkled her nose in disgust.

"Goffic-ese?" suggested Ron.

"I like the sound of Goffinch," Missy said with another smile.

"And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air."

"Ooh, pretty!" Missy giggled. And, like practically everything Missy did, it was disturbing.

"And it was black."

"Yeah, 'huge black flames' kind of tend to be," Chika snorted.

"Now I knew he wasn't a prep."

"Unless it's all a disguise and Hagrid is just pretending to be a goff so that he can get close enough to Enoby to murder her."

Chika shook her head, "Don't get their hopes up, Misery."

""OK I believe you now wtf is Drako?""

"Wuhtuhfuh?"

"What the swearword," explained Chika.

"Yes, what is Malfoy?" Ron laughed.

"A ferret obviously," Chika replied - but not loud for anyone to hear. Getting your head cracked open once is enough for anybody.

"Hairgrid rolled his eyes."

"As anyone would when they're forced into close proximity to Enoby."

"I looked into the balls of flame"

Chika giggled wildly until Missy glared her into silence.

"but I could c nothing."

"Should've gone to Specsaver's," Chika quipped.

""U c, Enobby," Dumblydore said,"

"When did he turn up?"

"watching the two of us watching the flame. "2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT)"

"So much hilarity," Missy said solemnly.

"u mst find urslf 1st, k?""

"She's right there in the Hospital Wing, she already knows where she is." Chika seemed to have a habit for completely missing the point.

""I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!""

"Take a chill pill, Enoby!" Chika rolled her eyes.

"Hargrid yelled."

"That was Hagrid?" Hermione looked shocked.

"dUMBLydore lookd shockd."

"Can't blame him," said Ron.

"I guess he didn't have a headache or else he would have said something back."

"Enough with the headache excuse already!" cried Chika.

"Hairgrid stormed off back into his bed."

"Wow, so hardcore."

""U r a liar, prof dumbledoree!""

"No, that's you."

"Anyway when I got better"

"When did this happen?"

"I went upstairs"

"Why?"

"and put on"

There were large amounts of groaning following this sentence.

" a black leather minidress that was all ripped on the ends with lace on it. There was some corset stuff on the front. Then I put on black fishnets and black high-heeled boots with pictures of Billie Joe Armstrong on them. I put my hair all out around me so I looked like Samara from the Ring (if u don't know who she iz ur a prep so fuk off!) and I put on blood-red lipstick, black eyeliner and black lip gloss."

"Did anyone even bother listening to that?" asked Ron.

Everyone shook their head, including Harry.

""You look kawai, girl." B'loody Mary"

"Isn't that Hermione?" Missy, who had last read this piece of uselessness about four months ago, asked.

"Yeah. said sadly. "Fangs (geddit)"

"Ha," there was a long pause as everyone stared at Chika, "ha."

"you do too." I said sadly too, but I was still upset."

"About what?"

"I slit both of my wrists"

"She just remembered her contract!"

Surprisingly enough, Missy didn't ask what contract Chika was referring to and instead just sighed indulgently.

"feeling totally depressed"

"If I looked like that I'd be depressed too!"

"and I sucked all the blood."

"As you do."

"I cried again in my bathroom and put the shades on so Snap and Loopin couldn't spy on me this time."

"Even although they were sent to St Nutty's."

"I went to some classes."

"For a piece of utter atrocity, this sure is boring."

"Vampire was in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures."

"Redundant Department of Redundancy!" crowed Chika and Missy smiled.

"'Hair'?" Ron said incredulously, "What is she on?"

"He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Draco. Shut up with that theory, why don't you? He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff."

"As you do."

""Hi." he said in a depressed way."

"Enough with the depressedness!" Missy, who was a Perky Goth about fifty percent of the time and a Deadpan Snarker the other fifty, glowered.

""Hi back." I said in an wqually said way."

"We get it, you're depressed, he's depressed, the whole school is Depressed City! New subject please!" Chika grew bored quickly.

"We both looked at each other for some time."

"Yawn," said Chika.

"Harry had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Dracos."

"They probably go to the same place to buy their contacts," Missy commented brightly.

"Then… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other."

"What?"

""STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!" shouted Professor McGoggle"

"I think Aragog would make a good teacher. And he could eat all the pupils who misbehaved," Missy remarked randomly.

The others were beginning to see how she and Chika were related.

"who was watching us"

"What was she doing in Care of Magical Creatures, anyway?" Hermione frowned.

"and so was everyone else."

"She's going to call them all perverts now, isn't she?" Ron sighed.

""Vampire you fucker!" I said slapping him."

"Bitch."

""Stop trying to screw me."

"Hey, from the way you wrote it, it was apparently mutual!"

"You know I loved Draco!""

"Past tense there."

"I shouted and then I ran away angrily."

"She spends a lot of time angry," Hermione observed.

"Can't be good for her blood pressure," Chika grinned.

"Just then he started to scream."

"Crookshanks!"

""OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites."

"What?"

""NO!" I ran up closer. "I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted."

"Wait, we've already heard this bit, right?"

""I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation." he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!""

"Definitely heard this before."

"There's a lot of Xs again with another triple six and SPECIAL FANGZ 2 RAVEN MY GOFFIX BLOOD SISTA WTF UR SUPPOZD 2 RIT DIS!11111111"

"Right?"

"HEY RAVEN DO U KNOW WHERE MY SWEATER I"

"Couldn't she just ask instead of writing it in her story?" Hermione sighed.

Chika shrugged, "Eh, probably. That the end then, Harry?"

"Yes, there isn't even an 's' in 'is'," Harry passed the book over to Ron.

((A.N.: Does anyone (apart from me) want Missy to go away? She'll be upset if I write her out but it was really just for her birthday - if you like her, though, she can hang around some more. Her comments on gofficness might prove to be mildly hilarious.))