Snape Revealed Shorts, Story TWO:
Pure Romance
Part 7: Giving Thanks
AN: JK Rowling created most of these characters and the universe from which they hail…
I can't leave the house these days without some stay-at-home Mom trying to sell me some Pure Romance. I assume this type of stuff is sold worldwide, but I live in the town that started Pure Romance. Yes, a family in Cincinnati, Ohio came up with the idea years ago and it's grown into a monster. If you are unaware, it's a company that sells sex toys. Yes. So I'm going to write a story about it for no good reason. No, I don't work for Pure Romance, no, I've never been to any of their parties, but I'm invited all the darn time!
It goes without saying this installment is rated M for mature language and some graphic…um…depictions. Okay, it's just plain raunchy.
(This story begins during the first week of October, 1985. Rhys is long gone, as is Lily, and after four years of mourning, Severus is still deeply affected, however, he's slowly beginning to emerge from his self-imposed mental-exile.)
This story is not yet beta'd…
After a while, Severus and Kathleen drowned out the banging sounds Elle the mermaid's tail was making. In fact, after ten minutes or so, Elle seemed to just give up, not that Severus or Kathleen stared at the window to see for themselves. Afterwards, Severus lay on his back, staring up at the ceiling, with Kathleen right next to him doing the same. The two were silent, but panting slightly. Severus turned over to his nightstand and grabbed a cigarette. He placed it in his mouth and then motioned to her if she wanted one.
She shook her head no, but a moment later, grabbed it from his hand.
"I'm a terrible quitter," she remarked as he used his wand to light her cigarette.
"Potion not work then?"
"I think so, I've not had a cigarette in a while, but I really wanted one tonight."
"Ah. Well the potion only does so much, you have to really want to quit."
Kathleen inhaled on her cigarette deeply as Severus just turned his head to watch her. She moved her sweaty hair from her forehead and smiled at Severus, who smiled back.
"I'm glad your bitchy mermaid is gone."
"She'll be back. She's normally nice. Fuck, I have so much to do," he said, rubbing his hands through his sweaty hair that time.
"Like what?"
"Research. I've been really neglectful of a certain potion lately. The experiment is this weekend and I have so much to do before then."
"On a holiday weekend?" she asked naively as Severus just lifted a brow at the witch. "Oh, you guys don't celebrate that, sorry."
"I've been trying for two weeks now to get this...item...and I just can't find it."
"What's the item? Can I help?"
"I doubt it. It's nothing, it's...don't worry about it."
"No, tell me about this potion," she asked, turning onto her side to face him in his bed.
"It's...it's pretty secret. I'm assisting this moron; he has the influence and financial backing to get this potion made, while I'm the idiot who's actually making it."
"Why? Getting paid a lot?"
"Getting paid...some. If it ever works, I made a deal with him that I'd get paid a pretty decent amount, thirty-five percent of the total patent earnings. It's a very expensive potion, but he'd get the credit."
"Why?"
"It was his idea; he's been working on it for years to no avail. We've made great strides since I started helping him a few years back. Last month, we had a breakthrough. I can't stand him personally; I'd rather not be associated with him. Of course I guess he'll mention me as his assistant, but not as the person who made the potion work, and believe me, if it ever works, it'll be because of me."
"So, what's the potion?"
"Fine, fine, it's top secret, I should not even be telling you. It's called Wolfesbane."
"Ew...as in werewolves?"
"Yes, shit-eating, leg-humping, tick-having, should-be-neutered, matted, stinky, filthy, rotten werewolves. In theory the potion keeps them sedated during the full moons. They'll still turn but they'll maintain their human mind."
"So, instead of eating shit, humping legs, getting ticks, and all that other stuff, they'd just...curl near the fire, read a book and...snooze?"
"Read a book, no, snooze, perhaps. They should have more of their human side emotionally speaking, hopefully enough to overpower the wolf side, physically. At the very least we hope they'd just stay put, in their locked house, and not hurt anyone, or themselves."
"Interesting. But for it to work, they'd all have to take it. If it's that expensive, and they can't hold jobs, how will you get it to them?"
"Damocles will probably give it away. He's wealthy enough so what does he care?"
"That bastard. He clearly does not like money."
"He likes the well being of those shit-humpers more."
"I thought they were shit eaters?" she joked.
"Werewolves will hump anything," Severus joked back.
"So, what's the ingredient you need?"
"A dog in heat," he said matter-of-factly. She smiled and looked a bit confused.
"You're putting a menstruating dog into the potion?"
"Shit, you're a genius, that's the missing-link!" he jibbed. "No I need her for the experiment. See last month they did great, in fact, Damocles and I thought we finally got the recipe right, only the last three hours it wore off and they all became assholes again."
"And a bitch in heat will...prevent this?"
"No, she'll make them worse. Werewolves are like wolves and dogs, times a thousand. When a dog senses a dog in heat nearby, they lose all control. I need to see if the Wolfesbane will work if there is a dog in heat, or better yet, a menstruating woman, nearby, since they'll often have those to overcome."
"Yeah, menstruating women are everywhere and we invoke insanity in all who cross our path."
"You do," he smiled.
"Well, I have no idea where you can find a bitchy period-dog, but I am in possession of a menstruating woman actually," she said as Severus glanced down at his sheets momentarily. "No, ew, gross, I don't do that...I do not play for the red team," she said with a sickened face. "But, I should be a menstruating woman in oh...two days."
"Ah. I see."
"Yeah."
"Well thank you but I'd never put you in such danger."
"I assume they are restrained?"
"Yes, behind iron bars in stone-walled cages but..."
"Well that sounds pretty safe."
"Need I remind you...Professor... that no magic in the world works on them?"
"I am aware, but stone cages with iron bars sounds reasonable to me."
"They have escaped them before, we've had to reinforce the iron bars and allow Apparation in the room as a safeguard so we can get out fast if we need to."
"So, sounds pretty safe to me. Tell me more about this...Damocles person," she pressed. Severus exhaled, loudly and rolled his eyes.
"Let's see...he's a mostly no-talent wanker with dark hair and..."
"Money? Is he rich?"
"He's rich enough."
"Well I like money."
"Yeah...he used to brew and patent only kinky potions, you'd love him."
"Really?" she asked with a wide smile. "Which ones?"
"Um let's see...oh, Pecker-Up comes to mind..."
"He's the inventor of Pecker-Up?" she asked and then sat right up in the bed. "I sell Pecker-Up! I'm a licensed Pecker-Up dealer!"
"Of course you are," he said sarcastically.
"You'd be amazed how many wizards need it, even young ones. Oh but more so you'd be amazed at the older-than-fuck people who use it. I have a client back home, she's eighty-five, her husband is one-hundred and twelve! They still get it on! With the Pecker-Up."
"How truly fascinating," Severus droned in a bored tone.
"So, what's he like?"
"He's short, fat; he's a total asshole..."
"You're an asshole," she said with a flirty smile.
"Come to think of it, you two would get along perfectly."
"So, do I just, give you a sample of my...uh...for the experiment?"
"Oh, uh...well, I guess that would work, but I really need a willing subject there, in the room."
"I'm willing, if I'll be compensated. Does he pay?"
"Huh? Well, yeah, but I don't think it's..."
"Cool, sign me up, where do I go?"
"No, I don't want you to..."
"Will I get hazard-pay?"
"Now listen to me! No, I won't allow it. It's too dangerous. Your love of money must not interfere with your safety."
"Listen. I am the Defense Professor. I work for the Ministry. I'm not a complete moron. I trust you and your iron-bars. Also I really want to help with your potion. You seem to hate werewolves as much as I hate vampires. Maybe someday I'll need your help with some kind of...vampire-repellant. I want to help you."
"No, thank you, but no. I insist..."
"Well, Sev, you're not in charge...Damocles is...the short, fat, asshole...does he have kids?" she asked.
"Oh, yeah."
"Oh," she said and then bit her bottom lip. "What's his wife like?"
"Dead."
"Oh good! Dead wife and he has kids...that works," she stated as Severus grew truly confused.
"Am I insane or didn't we just fuck a few minutes ago?" Severus asked, trying not to sound too pissed off.
"Yeah, but we agreed, nothing serious. Besides, I'm kind-of kidding. I'd not just fuck some guy for money, that's what hookers do. Marry on the other hand?" she said in a joking tone before turning to Severus with a smile. "Jealous?"
"No. Just...all the money in the world wouldn't make that man endearing."
"That bad huh? That ugly?"
"I don't know, I guess, I mean, he's kind-of troll-like, but not...hideous."
"Ah."
"Well, wait, you know his son...Draidan."
"Belby is his son? I guess Darrius too."
"Yeah."
"Draidan is a good looking kid!"
"He must favor the mother."
"Oh. Well, I want to help."
"No."
"I don't need your permission. I'll contact this...Damocles Belby myself and offer my...menstruating services."
"Gross," Severus sighed. He then yawned and brought the sheets up over his chest.
"It's pretty late. I should take the walk of shame back to my quarters now," she said, rising from the bed. Severus turned to stare at her naked backside as she wondered over to the edge of the bed to find her garments. Severus threw his robes over his head quickly and then rose from the bed.
"Thanks for...stopping by," Severus stated, not sure what else to say. She threw her robes on and put her undergarments in her pocket. She smiled and leaned in to kiss him, rather passionately. He grabbed her waist tightly and kissed her back, only to be interrupted again by the bang of a mermaid tail against his window.
"Fuck you!" Kathleen shouted to the window, with her middle finger aimed right at it. She then went to the window, lifted her robes and rubbed her bare ass against the glass. "See this bitch? Yeah, I got what you don't! A fine ass, hair on my pussy, and legs! Legs bitch, legs!" she shouted as Severus couldn't help but crack up.
"Are all Americans as crude as you?" he asked as she lowered her robes and ran her hands through her hair.
"I have no idea. I'm pretty crude though."
"So am I but damn, you got me beat I think."
"Nah, I'm sure you can out-crude me if you tried."
"I don't have to fuckin' try all that God-damned hard ya cunt," he said, reverting back to his natural, northern accent. She lifted her brows and smiled, before running to him. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him even more passionately than before.
"Swear at me again," she asked, releasing her tongue from his mouth for a few seconds.
"Um...you fuckin' cunt?" he said as she began to kiss him again.
"See, you Brits take swearing to a whole new level here. You throw the 'C' word around like it's nothing. It's like, the forbidden word in America."
"Well what can I say, America is full of a bunch of cunts I guess," Severus joked. She began to kiss him again, as a mermaid tail smashed into the glass. "Speaking of cunts," Severus said, looking over Kathleen's shoulder to glare at his window. Kathleen burst into laughter and then left the room.
He followed her into the sitting room, to find Nina on the sofa. The instant Nina saw Kathleen she jumped off of the sofa, walked over to her shoes, squatted down, and peed all over them.
"Oh...you...bitch," Kathleen said in slow motion.
"Nina! You know better!" Severus shouted as the cat just turned to glare at him, while still peeing on the shoes. Once she was done she slowly walked to the high-backed chair and curled up into a ball as if nothing happened. Severus used magic to lift the socks and the shoes and toss them into the fire. Kathleen's mouth dropped. "Sorry, no magic in the world will take the scent of cat piss out of those."
"I loved those shoes, they were so...corny," she said in a saddened, albeit phony, tone.
"They were pretty revolting actually," Severus mentioned as the witch made a saddened face and forced frown at him. "Your knickers on the other hand..."
"Oh there's that British dirty talk again," she smiled. She walked forward and wrapped her arms around him. "Go on!"
"Those knickers were...um...great?"
"You suck," she smiled. "My feet are freezing now!"
"I can get you some socks for your walk of shame back," he offered. She smiled and nodded. He got her a pair of thick socks that Pomona had knitted him as a welcoming present when he began working at Hogwarts. She happily put them on went to the door. "Shall I escort you?"
"No, too suspicious. No, I know the way. But thanks, my chivalrous wizard," she mocked.
Severus sat with dread the following evening at the table in the Great Hall. Kathleen joined him, with a smile, but he was dreading the food, not the woman seated to his left.
"Tonight students, we have a special treat. Authentic American Barby-koo!" Dumbledore said as a large portion of the students began to rejoice. "Enjoy!"
"Oh no," Kathleen said as Severus became terrified.
"Barby-koo is...bad?" he asked as she giggled.
"It's barbeque and it takes years to master. If not done properly, it's a disaster!"
"Oh," he said as a platter of carcass appeared before him. "Ew."
"Oh yeah, and it's mostly meat."
"Oooh this looks good!" Sprout said, reaching over Kathleen to grab red and brown colored chicken, ribs and something resembling a sausage. Kathleen looked hesitant as she grabbed a rib, just one rib, from the platter. Severus felt that the corn and the potato salad were safe. Kathleen brought the rib to her mouth, gave it a sniff, closed her eyes, and took a bite. She then made an awful face and put it down.
"That bad?"
"Oh my God, it's just ketchup with, I think, some brown sugar and it's so overcooked it's not even funny. It tastes like...feet."
"You have a foot fetish?"
"No, I just couldn't think of something disgusting enough," she said grabbing a sip of the yellow water, which she nearly choked on. "Oh God, is that supposed to be lemonade? It's just water with lemons, no sugar!"
"This lemon-beer sure is tart," Sprout said, also making a face, but seeming to enjoy her ketchup platter. Severus looked over at Flitwick who was just removing the kernels from the cob just as Severus was doing. "Severus, have some sausage," Sprout said, tossing a wet piece of grossness encased in the intestinal lining of a pig at Severus, who dodged it so it hit Flitwick instead.
"Severus!" Flitwick exclaimed.
"What? She flung it!"
"Pomona, stop flinging dead things at me!"
"I wasn't aiming for you Filius, I was aiming for Severus's plate!"
"Woman, he does not want it!" Flitwick nearly spat. Even Severus was shocked at his outburst.
"As for disgusting terminology," Severus said focusing back on Kathleen, "troll-bogeys would be a good depiction of how awful your rib is."
"Thanks Sev. Troll vomit perhaps. Hey, can we go fishing out on the Black Lake?" she asked, bringing her napkin to her lips.
"Um, I guess, why?"
"Let's catch us some mermaid tonight, filet, and deep fry that shit."
"Well," Severus said through his giggles, "I don't think she'd taste all that great, probably pretty tough."
"Bitches never taste good," Kathleen joked. "Oh, I sent a letter to Damocles and he said he'd love for me to be there for the experiment on Saturday."
"Wonderful," he said, unimpressed.
"I told him I work here with you, but he didn't mention you."
"Of course not."
"He'll pay me for my time."
"Splendid, I know how much you enjoy money."
"That I do, far more than this Hippogriff-rib."
"That's just wrong," Severus said as the witch smiled at him.
Severus sat near the window in his sitting room that night, thankful to be a vegetarian. Elle swam by a few times, but didn't stop. Nina curled up on his lap and Mini seemed happy to collect his dirty robes from the floor and shine his boots for him. Severus dreaded taking Kathleen to Belby's on Saturday. She seemed to be a competent witch but werewolves couldn't be trusted, no matter how good the potion.
The next day was American Thanksgiving, not that Severus would ever have known if it wasn't for Dumbledore insisting everyone eat a traditional Thanksgiving dinner that night. Severus sat, almost shivering, at the dinner table. Kathleen sat down next to him, and looked nervous as well.
"Everyone, in honor of our resident American Professor, Professor O'Hara, today we will help her celebrate Thanksgiving. The elves have been working hard all day preparing this special meal. I hope everyone enjoys it," Dumbledore said with a smile. A moment later a golden skinned turkey appeared before Severus, along with mashed sweet potatoes, green bean casserole and a bowl of hot, steamy gravy.
"What's the brown chunky stuff?" Severus asked the witch, who leaned in to peer into the bowl.
"It's dressing, or stuffing. It's bread, onion, celery, spices and turkey broth usually. Normally it's good, but here it may be lethal."
Severus smiled and put some on his plate. She loaded gravy on top of his stuffing for him and handed him the large bowl of sweet potatoes.
"Oh yum! Turkey!" Sprout said, grabbing the massive drumstick off the bird. Severus helped himself to some green beans and then stared, clueless, at the plate of red jiggly stuff.
"What's that?"
"It looks like cranberry sauce. Normally very good, again, here, probably lethal."
"How does one make sauce from a hard berry?"
"I have no clue, but I love it," she said, taking some to put on her plate. "Everything looks normal, except the turkey."
"What's wrong with it?" Severus asked.
"Well for starters, it's staring at me," she said, giving the turkey's head a funny look. "And why a crab-apple is rammed in the beak, I'll never know."
"I can't help you with that one," Severus said as the witch helped herself to some breast meat. She covered all of her food in gravy and slowly took a bite. He watched as she had a look of pleasant surprise on her face. "Good?"
"Wow, it's...great. The meat is tender, and buttery, and moist. Shame you don't eat meat. Why don't you eat it again?"
"Most meat makes me sick. I have a bad stomach. I just don't like the taste and texture of most meat."
"Will one bite of turkey kill you?" she urged.
"Um, well, I doubt I'd die," he replied as she put a small piece of white meat on his plate. He glanced t make sure Sprout didn't witness him as he covertly brought his fork to his lips. She was right. The meat was tender, and very moist. He had no other turkey to compare it to but he found the flavor to be mild, but it had that meaty texture the goblin in him despised. He smiled, nodded, and swallowed. "Tasty."
"Good," she smiled. "Eat your veggies now!"
"Yes ma'am," he replied, eating the sweet potatoes which seemed to be loaded with butter, cinnamon, cream and brown sugar. "So, this is a good re-creation?"
"It is. I mean, it's hard to screw up potatoes, stuffing and a dead bird, it's like chicken."
"True. This stuffing is...interesting."
"You don't like it?"
"It's just different. I've never had it before. Never occurred to me to dice up bread and serve it like this. Gravy is really good."
"Well good. I'm glad the elves did such a fine job tonight," she smiled.
After the turkey was gone, all but the head, a wide array of pies appeared on the table. Pumpkin, cherry, chocolate cream and all American apple pie. Severus instantly went for the chocolate cream pie. Kathleen just gave him a funny look.
"What?"
"Not going to try the others? Just plain, boring old chocolate?" she teased.
"I like plain, boring old chocolate."
"Ever had apple pie?"
"Nope. I've had the others though," he said as she put a small piece of apple pie on his plate. "Fine," he sighed. The apple pie was...good. It wasn't very sweet and the apples were a bit firm. He greatly preferred the chocolate.
"Well, it's nice to see you enjoy something so thoroughly," she said in a flirty tone as he finished off his piece of chocolate cream pie.
"It's not the only thing I've enjoyed thoroughly this week," he said back, just loud enough for Flitwick to hear, as he dropped his fork on the floor...again.
"Come to think of it, I've had some enjoyment this week too...thorough enjoyment. How's your fish?"
"Elle? Still angered. I suspect she'll be fine."
"Oh, I have your socks," she whispered. "Hinnie cleaned them, they're in my quarters."
"I was missing them so much, thanks," he replied with a quirky smile. "Perhaps I should stop by later to collect them?"
"I'd hate for your feet to grow cold. So, around nine o'clock, if you really want them, why not join me in my quarters and I'll give them to you?"
"Sounds like a plan."
"Sounds like a good plan," she smiled. She took her last bite of pumpkin pie and winked at Severus again. That time Flitwick began to choke on his cherry pie, but Severus and Kathleen hardly noticed.
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