A/N: I do not own the song used in this chapter. It's called "Walking and Thinking" by Ra.
Chapter Forty-Three
Neither Jude nor Tommy could sleep that night. They couldn't stop thinking about what the next day would hold, how they would deal with each other. Jude couldn't stop tossing and turning, replaying her talk with Rachel over and over in her mind. What she had said rattled Jude, not because she never knew Rachel felt that way, but because of how naïve it made herself feel.
If Jeff was out of the equation, Tommy would've been proposing to her tomorrow, and she would've said yes. Jude would've said yes, and that was what unnerved her now at one thirty in the morning. The day of the finale.
She thought she loved Tommy, but she couldn't stop thinking of something Rachel said: It's hard to say you're in love with someone you hardly know.
Did she know Tommy? Did she know anything about his past, his family, what his goals were for the future? Did she even know his middle name? No, Jude thought, I don't know any of that. I was too busy worrying about Jeff and the show and my feelings to think about the important things, like do I actually know the man I say I love.
It was the toughest realization Jude had come to in ages. The last one being when she was five and Jamie told her that Santa Clause wasn't real.
Jude clenched her stomach and closed her eyes tightly, trying to ward off the uneasiness that encompassed her. It was never that she never cared for him, she did, very deeply, and she still does. It was the notion that she would've married a guy she hardly knew, something that she would've mocked and laughed at before this show. However Jude still couldn't help but feel disappointment along with the shame.
Jude was mainly disappointed at herself for not caring to pry more into his life. That was the problem with reality TV shows; they are anything but reality. Both of them had been so wrapped up in Jeff and the other girls that neither had actually stopped to think: What am I doing?
A tear slid down her cheek as she let out her pain and shame. Not because she was leaving Tommy, but because she never had the chance to find out who he really was. On a certain level she did. She had learned that he wasn't this pop star fame junkie. She found that he was a person filled with passion for music and an aura of mystery. But the mystery, she now saw, was what kept him from truly giving himself to her, and was what kept her holding back. More tears plummeted down her face as she thought: And now I'll never know…
~*~
Tommy stared up blankly at the ceiling, reflecting back on the show, his times with Jude, her letter, finding with horror things he never saw before. And things that he'll never know.
To be honest, he was royally pissed off at Jude. And Jeff, he couldn't forget him. But he also felt betrayed, like he was the one being played for the first time in his life. He just never thought Jude would be the one to play him. However, to be fair, it did make some sense considering all of the lies that she gave him.
How was he going to go through with picking Rachel when his heart lay somewhere else? That was his decision; to choose Rachel. That's what Jude wanted anyway. But to be honest, if he really had to choose, he would be going home with no one. He didn't need Jude's false comfort and he didn't need another girl he wouldn't pay attention to. Although Rachel was different from all the other girls on the show, even Jude.
Rachel had never tried to pretend she was someone she wasn't. She had never succumbed to pulling ridiculous stunts to gain his attention. She had never tried to make him do something he didn't want. She had never used this show as a way to gain fame, even with her gift at music.
Tommy imagined what it must be like to be her, competing for a guy she knew wanted someone else. Competing against a girl who had all that she had aspired for herself; a career in music. Tommy suddenly felt a little sorry for her, that he didn't at least try to get to know her a little bit more. But it didn't even matter now.
Problem was, Tommy was also mad at himself. He had been too busy trying to get with Jude he hadn't stopped to think that getting to know her might have been a good idea. He had just flew away with how he felt and was going to ask her to marry him, not even knowing anything about how she got to where she was, what she wanted to do with her life, her past, hell…even her favorite movie he didn't know. Then again, he hadn't been Mr. Open Book either. It had always been a habit for him to rush into relationships but at the same time keep himself from actually entering it. He realized with regret that he had treated Jude the same way. That was something he had never wanted to do. Jude was different; at least she was supposed to be.
Unfortunately, he didn't know if he wanted to know the real Jude. He was too afraid. Afraid to find that the girl he loved was nothing more than a liar. Tommy turned over on his side, erasing that thought from his mind. Jude couldn't be like that. She just couldn't, he thought with certainty…however he still couldn't hide the pang of hurt that filled his stomach.
Restlessly, Tommy decided that sleep was not going to be an option. Getting out of bed, he walked across the room to his closet. Inside he rummaged through until his hands connected with the cool strings attached to his guitar. Perching on a chair Tommy started picking at different notes until words started forming at the tip of his tongue.
From the air I see your loneliness
You carry on despite your fear
Inside a box you keep your sanity
And it will never seem clear, to me
Over the hills, the light, it flows...
It shows the angels laughing
And where is the love that we're supposed to find?
Lost in a maze of games so very dark and overwhelming
Lost in these thoughts that seem to rule my mind
A simple spell cast is broken through
The force of life decides to bend
You lay below the sacred stormy skies
And you will write the end... for me
Over the hills, the light, it flows...
It shows the angels laughing
And where is the love that we're supposed to find?
Lost in a maze of games so very dark and overwhelming
Lost in these thoughts that seem to rule my mind
The door will close and I will be denied
A dagger thrust into my chest
You claim yourself to the victory
But it is I... who will rest, in peace
Over the hills, the light, it flows
It shows the angels laughing
And where is the love that we're supposed to find?
Lost in a maze of games so very dark and overwhelming
Lost in these thoughts that seem to rule my mind
My mind......
~*~
The morning of the finale seemed to flash by in one big blur. Jude couldn't concentrate on anything the producers were telling her, and when she broke free and entered the kitchen she froze in place. Wishing she could just turn around and leave, she started to before a voice broke through the air like a knife.
"Jude?"
A little surprised, Jude noted, and also a little bitter. Totally expected. Jude turned back to face Tommy. She tried to read his expression, but he didn't let anything show what was going through his mind right now.
"We need to talk," Tommy stated. Jude only nodded in response and entered farther into the kitchen to perch onto one of the stools.
She waited for the yelling, the screaming, the pleading for ways to work things out. However Tommy just stood there, staring at her as if waiting for her to start the conversation. His blue eyes plummeted through her, unreadable and fierce, almost making her want to cower underneath his gaze. If Jude was prepared for him to be mad, she wasn't prepared for the first line to come from his lips.
"Why did you lie to me?" He asked with a calmness that surprised her.
"I didn't want to lie to you. But I was scared. Scared of Jeff, scared of the consequences, and scared of what would happen to us," she sighed before looking away from his judging stare. She felt naked and unable to hide from anything when he stared at her like that.
"I think you pretty much had what would happen to us figured out already," he snipped, "If you didn't, you would've came to me to talk about it before making decisions about us by yourself."
"I wanted to, I was going to. But I thought I was going to have more time. I didn't know I was going to have to scramble a letter together under five minutes!"
Tommy looked away from her, increasingly becoming more irritated by the minute. How was it that she could be so calm about her decision to leave him, to leave their relationship? And it was her idea…his mind rang out.
"You know, Jude, it doesn't bother me so much that you wrote it in a letter that it did having you literally lie to me through your handwriting! You know what, why am I wasting my time arguing with you, when you clearly don't give a damn about any of it. Maybe that was the problem. You've never once tried to fight for our relationship. It was always Jeff this and Jeff that, that you forgot about me," Tommy confessed furiously, "about us."
Jude's face was one of hurt and understanding. She knew that her obsession with not getting in trouble with Jeff hurt their relationship. Hell, it was the whole reason she tried to not fall for him. But at the same time it prevented her from seeing the real Tommy. The real person, she thought, she was trying to save. But he was wrong. She did care. A tear began to slide down her cheek.
"Tommy, I do care about you! Why the hell do you think I wrote that letter? Did you want to be humiliated when I would be forced to take the million dollars? I was trying to give you a heads up! And about Rachel…Tommy if you think I would rather see you with her than me your wrong!" Jude cried "But if I can't be with you…I would rather you be with someone else who can love you just as much." Tommy tried hard not to roll his eyes.
"Jude! Why do you continually lie to me? Why? If it's because you don't want to be with me, just say so!" Jude looked at him angered and confused.
"What the hell are you talking about?" She said, her face wet from crying.
"Your act is over Jude! I talked to Jeff, and he told me everything," Tommy spat out.
"You went to Jeff?! Are you crazy?"
"I don't know, maybe I am. But now I know what you are: a liar. I didn't want to believe it, but I can't understand how you can literally sit there and spit out lies like you actually believe them!"
"Tommy, I don't know what he told you, but I'm not the liar. How can you believe him over me?" she asked sounding hurt, "but more importantly, what the hell did he say I lied about?"
"He, for once, didn't have to say a word," Tommy breathed, "I saw the contract Jude! The contract you signed with your name at the bottom." He waited for the realization that never came to Jude's face.
"And…?"
"The contract where it stated you had the choice to pick either the money or me! You were never forced to take the money Jude…so stop lying!" Tommy shouted, not being able to control his temper that had been teetering on the edge of a cliff, ready to plunge.
"What?" Jude asked in a loud whisper. Surprise and disbelief reigned over her face and Tommy was genuinely surprised to see her react this way. Either she was truly shocked, or she should be thinking about switching professions to be an actress.
"The contract said what?!" Jude prodded, a little more urgent this time. Tommy was taken aback.
"It…um, said you had the choice to pick me or the money," Tommy paused, "So you really didn't know?" he asked incredulously. Jude shook her head rapidly back and forth as concentration furrowed her brows. Anger came next.
"You mean to tell me, that all this time when I pushed you away unwillingly, thinking I was going to be slapped with a lawsuit…it was under my contract that I could have you?" Jude asked angrily while stepping closer and closer to Tommy who was standing next to the island. Tommy simply nodded.
Jude emitted a low growl, never wanting anything more in her life than she wanted to kill Jeff at that moment. Suddenly she was brought out of her thoughts by Tommy.
"The truth is Jude, even if Jeff wasn't in the picture, we would still have to talk right now," Tommy started, settling his gaze on hers until she matched it. With a simple look her anger was swept away replaced with a certain level of understanding.
"I know," she whispered, uncertain of what would happen next, or more importantly, what she wanted to happen next.